DH says he can't enjoy his time with me because I'm spend so much time talking about the kids and home

[Adana22]

We have 3 kids. I'm a SAHM. We're very different in that I like to plan, organise, make lists and see things get done. He's much more laid back.

There's been a bunch of things that have been needing doing for a year or more. The washing machine needs replacing (leaks each time I use it). Dish washer is broken and just sits there for my toddler to climb in and out of. The cordless hoover doesn't work and the corded one is too heavy for me to drag around the house (I have some back issues and I'm pregnant).

Yesterday I printed out some information regarding one of the toddler- we've been having trouble with her food and sleep, and only recently have things improved. So I want to make sure things continue improving. I just typed up stuff about her meals, nap schedule, sleeping routine, milk etc. This is for when I go into labour, and also for the days immediately after while I'm looking after our newborn.

He was not only very dismissive, but seemed to suggest I spent too long discussing the kids and the house snd what we need for the house. And really we should only need 30mins a week to discuss such things. Also that he doesn't enjoy his time with me anymore because I'm talking about these things with him all the time.

It's really upset me. For years I've pleaded with him to make more time for me- arrange a lunch date at a café he knows I like. I keep dropping hints about places I'd like to visit (I'm talking mundane stuff like antique mills, markets, IKEA(!)), but he never does take the hint and the only time we have together without the kids is an hour at most in the evening.

It seems unfair of him, but his comments have also got me questioning myself. I used to have a rich life before I married and started a family. Now my husband just sees me as a boring old nag. AIBU for feeling this way?

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. From everything you’ve said, it sounds like you’re carrying the full weight of managing your home and children, while your husband dismisses the things that need doing. That’s incredibly unfair, especially when some of these things like replacing a broken washing machine are fundamental necessities for running a household with small children.

A leaking washing machine, a broken dishwasher, and a hoover you physically can’t use aren’t minor inconveniences they’re things you need to keep your home functioning. Expecting you to just put up with them for over a year, while pregnant and dealing with back issues, is completely unreasonable. These aren’t luxuries, and it shouldn’t all fall on you to keep pushing for them to be sorted. The fact that he doesn’t seem to recognise how essential these things are is really concerning.

On top of that, you’ve moved somewhere where you don’t have family or close friends, and you don’t have access to money to replace these items yourself. That’s really worrying because it means you’re completely dependent on him for everything from fixing household problems to just getting out of the house for a break. Being isolated like that makes everything so much harder, and honestly, it’s not okay. You deserve to have some autonomy, support, and the ability to meet your own needs.

You’re not asking for grand gestures just small things like a cafe date, a trip to IKEA, or a simple day out together. That’s normal in a relationship, and it’s painful to be dismissed when you’re trying so hard to keep everything going. It’s especially frustrating that he says he doesn’t enjoy time with you anymore because you bring up things that need to be dealt with. The reality is, you wouldn’t have to keep talking about them if he actually helped you solve them.

You deserve support, respect, and a partner, not someone who tunes out when things get inconvenient for him. Please don’t let his words make you question yourself. You are doing an incredible job under really tough circumstances, and you deserve so much better than this.

Why don't you have access to family finances. I think this goes deeper than your original post. You need your own life and money. You can't just be a passenger in your own life. Get a job and have your own priorities. It sounds like you are reliant on him for every decision.

Are you ok op? You say you have no access to finances and you don’t drive and find it hard to go out with young kids, are they in school/nursery? Are there any local mum group you could join? You sound very isolated

I agree the main problem is no access to finances. You need to tell him it is non negotiable that you have access to all family money, or else you will divorce him and get half of it that way.

If he (or you) sorted out the new dishwasher, washing machine and he did the jobs that need doing you wouldn't have to keep bringing them up with him. It's his way of shutting you down because he's lazy and can't be bothered.
Go back to work ASAP, because it won't get better.

@strawberrysea

I see you've read further and changed your mind but IMO policing what your wife is ALLOWED to talk about and for HOW LONG is definitely abuse.

Oh op 💐. My heart sank a bit when I read your opening post. I hope I am wrong but I have a horrible feeling that this is about much more than the quality of your conversation and broken white goods. I think your dh is being massively disrespectful.

I agree with pp that you should just order the new household items yourself if you can afford it and you have access to household money? Being an SAHM, especially with three kids and one on the way, is a job, and you need the tools to do it properly, so don’t ask permission.

But I also think that your dh talks like he played no part in you having 3 kids and one on the way!

And being dismissive of your spouse when they are acting with good intentions is very poor behaviour whatever the circumstances.

What did he say when you said you had been hinting to go out without the children for years?

If he wants a more exciting life and erudite conversation (or is this about sex?) when you are both in the trenches of parenthood; maybe he could help a bit more, which would result in you having more time for other things? I’m surprised he has time for it though, or is he not exactly hands-on?

Let me hazard a guess that if the hoover, dishwasher and washing machine are all broken; he doesn’t help much around the house?

Op do you mind me asking a question about your finances?

Do you have access to a joint account?

The reason I ask this is that financial equality is really important when it comes to the power balance between a couple.

Op need to be very clear, direct and assertive with your spouse.

If he wants a wife who stays at home and takes care of everything and then talks to him about world politics and football then he needs to pay for white goods and take an interest in his family and children. And listen to you when you want to go out without the dc.

Don’t allow yourself to be treated like a doormat. And get some clarity on your respective roles and finances.

Be careful op as you are in a vulnerable position here. (And incidentally, are you paying in to a pension?)

Please look after yourself because your dh sounds like he isn’t!

Edited to say: I have just read your update about not having access to finances and not driving and my heart has sunk further for you. Op wake up! This is not acceptable.

You need access to a joint account. And you need to get some support from family and friends. Please be more assertive 💐

It sounds like he's controlling you, why can't you access the finances as well? He doesn't appreciate you

Fundamentally I would say that the choosing and maintenance of kitchen appliances would probably fall to the parent at home - however that requires a budget. This is a reasonable thing to bring up that you need (at a minimum) a "repair and replacement" account that you can access to keep things ticking over.

Otherwise, I'm another advocating the "family meeting" approach. DH and I did this for a couple of years when things were getting hectic. We scheduled it one evening a week, after dinner when we were all still around the table. We had some set headings to discuss (children, school, finances, household etc). Our kids we young teens at the time, and they stayed with us for the school and children bit - a great opportunity for them to tell us the bits and bobs they'd forgotten to let us know during the week, and we'd agree stuff like who was doing what/dropping children to sports matches & training or anything the kids needed for school the following week (home ec stuff usually!). Then the kids would get up and leave us to discuss everything else. We checked the calendar and allocated tasks. I did have to be careful that DH was adding value and not just expecting to be given a list of tasks to complete. It worked quite well and once the kids got older and life got a bit calmer we had no more need for it.

I have been an SAHM
I have lived far away from family

I had equal access to all finances and when I had PPD, DH insisted on a babysitter so we could go out together and I got a break.

This is not ok.

That is very concerning not having access to family finances, why on earth not!

So you have 3 children ,1 more on the way @Adana22 ? No career, no job, no interests , no access to finances and don’t drive ?!

Also did he want you to get pregnant with a 4th child?

@Windingdownsoon345 she has no access to money

And then using the fact that her world is small (because of his abusive behaviour) as a stick to beat her with. Gaslighting bastard.

Give over, the sod could easily have prevented it.

So he's kept you pregnant and isolated with 3 children and a broken washing machine 🤦‍♀️

Op, let the responses on this thread be the moment you realise this is not ok. How would he react to a conversation about rearranging finances? You should have access to family money. If he is getting annoyed at you for wittering on about white goods, then that's his own fault. You could have just got it sorted with minimal input from him if you were functioning as a team like most couples do.

I really hope this is something you can sort out with him and move forward. If not, you need to be thinking about what you want yours and your children's lives to look like and make that change for yourselves.

@Adana22 I used to have a rich life before I married and started a family. Now my husband just sees me as a boring old nag. AIBU for feeling this way?

He needs to start taking time out of his "exciting life" to look after the kids and your home, so that you can start bringing some of the rich life you had before you got married back into what he clearly considers a dull existence.

It needs to be discussed quite openly as you need to tell him about your feelings and how sad his comments made you feel and start making plans to devote at least one day a week to your hobbies, seeing friends and family etc, so that you do have something other than the kids and the house needs to talk about!

• You don't have access to money
• Your home appliances have broken and are making your life difficult, but you don't have any way of getting the situation resolved because your "D"H makes all the decisions but doesn't want to talk about them
• You can't drive
• You don't work
• You're now being told what you can and can't talk about at home

No wonder you're a shadow of your former self OP - he's ground you down so much that you don't even realise what position he's put you in!

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/ - is your relationship healthy?

Coercive control examples include:

• isolating you from your friends and family
• controlling aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see

Financial abuse examples include:

• controlling all of the household income and keeping financial information a secret
• stopping you from being in work, education or training
• having control over spending, checking receipts, having everything in their name

There is a much bigger issue than just his comment of not enjoying his time with you because you talk about the kids and home. Let's face it, you're not getting the opportunity to do anything else are you? What would he like you to talk about instead??

Frankly if you’re home with 3 kids and one on the way, no access to money, broken appliances, no easy way to get out of the house since you don’t drive, have access to money and have to take 3 kids, a partner (husband?) who never takes you out, doesn’t want to talk about his kids needs or do anything around the house, is this that different to modern slavery? Have you a family you can call? Can they collect you? The divorce would give you at least half the assets, even a pound or two sounds like a good exchange for this ‘d’h of yours.

It is abuse when he controls her access to the household money, so she has to ask him for things to be fixed or replaced, and he is ignoring her requests and saying it's boring conversation

So many women trapped like this. Why does it keep happening?

OP - you used to have a rich life. Don't you want that back again? Why do you not have access to family finances or any life outside of your children? Why don't you feel able to bring these things up and what would happen if you did?

Why why why have more kids when he's controlling the money?

At a guess, I bet all she has is the child benefit claimed for 3 children.