DH says he can't enjoy his time with me because I'm spend so much time talking about the kids and home

[Adana22]

We have 3 kids. I'm a SAHM. We're very different in that I like to plan, organise, make lists and see things get done. He's much more laid back.

There's been a bunch of things that have been needing doing for a year or more. The washing machine needs replacing (leaks each time I use it). Dish washer is broken and just sits there for my toddler to climb in and out of. The cordless hoover doesn't work and the corded one is too heavy for me to drag around the house (I have some back issues and I'm pregnant).

Yesterday I printed out some information regarding one of the toddler- we've been having trouble with her food and sleep, and only recently have things improved. So I want to make sure things continue improving. I just typed up stuff about her meals, nap schedule, sleeping routine, milk etc. This is for when I go into labour, and also for the days immediately after while I'm looking after our newborn.

He was not only very dismissive, but seemed to suggest I spent too long discussing the kids and the house snd what we need for the house. And really we should only need 30mins a week to discuss such things. Also that he doesn't enjoy his time with me anymore because I'm talking about these things with him all the time.

It's really upset me. For years I've pleaded with him to make more time for me- arrange a lunch date at a café he knows I like. I keep dropping hints about places I'd like to visit (I'm talking mundane stuff like antique mills, markets, IKEA(!)), but he never does take the hint and the only time we have together without the kids is an hour at most in the evening.

It seems unfair of him, but his comments have also got me questioning myself. I used to have a rich life before I married and started a family. Now my husband just sees me as a boring old nag. AIBU for feeling this way?

@Adana22 - you wrote "I'm a SAHM".

That's all you needed to write.

Your DH is an arse if he thinks that your life doesn't revolve around your family - i.e. your kids.

I'd recommend doing a night course in something, anything, that can help you get back into the workforce. You will of course have to discuss exactly what you're handing over to your DH when you do resume working outside the home as he will have to step up and help run the household now that it's not going to be your full time job.

I'd also consider reminding him that your 'job' at the moment is being the Domestic Engineer and you will be talking about your 'job' when he gets home just as he is allowed to talk to you about his job.

He's being terribly disrespectful to you. I hope you can see that.

I actually think it’s awful to (presumably) want you to do everything for the kids, including to not even discuss it with him. Imagine not having a few minutes each day to hear about what your own children got up to!!!

Fair enough schedule a time to discuss things that need doing around the house that he should be helping with but it would be really joyless and controlling to wait for one 30min slot a week to talk about the kids or plans for the birth. He’s not your manager!

Do you have access to money? Would you be able to just sort the washing machine/dishwasher yourself if he is dragging his heels?

Maybe call his bluff and leave him home with the kids once a week while you do some of the things for yourself that you have been wanting to do.

How do you do food shopping, get the DC clothes, buy petrol etc?
If you mean you actually don't have access to any money that's very concerning.

Oh @Adana22 please get help. This relationship sounds abusive and with four children you’re in a real pickle.

Could never understand how women in this day and age get themselves in these kind of situations! In the western world with so many opportunities. Sad

I will add if you are the person who uses the washing machine, dishwasher and vacuum more than 50% of the time, then just go out and get the replacements. He doesn't get to have a say in the brand/make/model of these as he clearly isn't the person using them.

It would be different if he did 50% of the domestic workload but I'm guessing he barely does 10% of it.

Also, please consider not having any more children after this one.

Stop keeping having more kids with this man.

And here is the actual problem - "I don't have access to family finances"!

Your husband actively CHOOSES to do nothing about the appliances falling apart, leaving you to soldier on. He actively CHOOSES for you to have a very small world, and by denying you access to 'family money' (I'd bet he thinks of it 'his money') ensures you can't do a damned thing about it. He prefers you poor, embattled, and pregnant.

And now he's turning the heat up, complaining to you about what he created and making it all your fault.

He is an abuser. A man doesn't have to use violence to abuse. Some of them prefer to entrap, and enjoy watching the woman struggle. unaware that he is playing her like a puppet. I think you'll find he is enjoying his time with you, in control of you, very very much.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

You need to change that immediately. So learning to drive maybe difficult straight away but he's got you financial dependant, isolates and literally barefoot and pregnant.

You are very vulnerable and need to work out what happened to the independent career woman and then get her back

You do have agency here.
No access to finances, that's abuse.
Almost 4 DC and a SAHM. If he leaves that's a tough place to be for anyone if you don't even personally have the money to buy a new washer and dishwasher. These aren't conversations I'd need to have.
Can't drive, no wonder you don't get out much.

It is easy to fall into the habit of just talking about house and kids stuff.

I find having Radio 4 on usually means I have something interesting to talk about. Do you have any shared internet any more? Even just watching the same Netflix series gives us something to talk about.

You need to divorce him. You are entitled to half but likely much more as you’ll get custody of the kids. Then as single parent you’ll also be entitled to more financial help especially with childcare. And of course he will have to pay maintenance. Then you can work, have your own money and independence back. He sounds atrocious, but (in the nicest possible way) you were a bit naive having 4 children to this man. He’s living his best life of course with someone baring and raising his children, doing all the life admin, and having his dinner on the table every night. You’ve been taken advantage of.

You are not a child, so unless you are a gambling addict, you need access to the family finances. That should be your priority.

OP you need access to the family finances, a credit card in your name and either he pays money into your account or you have a joint account.
To be a SAHM is one thing but that means his income must be shared.
As soon as possible find a job, however small to get a foot back in the door.

The conversation is the least of your worries.

That's very worrying

You can't replace the everyday items you need.

You're pregnant with a 4th baby?

So basically you're just a breeding machine/house keeper

You need to have a conversation that it is not normal to have no access to family finances and you want this to change.
Minimum you want an account with money in you can use to order a new washing machine etc.
If possible try and go to baby groups with the new baby to make some friends.
Use his comments to suggest having a weekly meeting to discuss finances and house stuff and suggest a daily 30 minutes about your children as being reasonable.

Just hoping it’s an innocent mistake on his behalf that he’s not given you access to the family finances…

At first I had to ask DH for money when I was running low/needed something. Not for his permission as he’s never ‘not allowed me’ or even had to justify why I wanted money transferring but just because he didn’t think what detriment it was on me having to ask… he thought it was fine as he’d immediately transfer over whatever I wanted/top up.

Now I say things like ‘can you get the lawnmower out the boot… it was on sale and I’d had enough of the old one cutting out’ and it’s conversation over.

Also I’d be booking intensive driving lessons. That will give you both something to talk about when you go out on many adventures/get some freedom.

Also it’s pretty shitty if he only wants to talk about the kids for max 30mins a week. I give my DH a daily update on how DD is getting better at building blocks, decided she no longer likes apples and seemed very excited to see the postman.

Is it you mean you don't have access in that you can't make a decision on your own on what to spend on such things? I really hope it's not you have no idea on the household position and savings so can't buy. I'd tell him you will be using the credit card to order these things if he won't sit like an actual adult and talk these things through

So your conversations @Adana22 are actually about needs: basic equipment, not being fulfilled because he won't provide the money.

My DH couldn't give a flying about whether we need a new dishwasher. When I was a SAHM, he expected me to replace it with his money. He might have commented if I'd replaced it with a hand-made model painted by elves in gold leaf but for a standard Bosch he just wrote me a cheque.

This is so not about you being a boring fart and very much about him being a tight git who is declining funds.

He is either tight or you don't earn enough to be a SAHM to three let alone four children if you have all these things that need replacing. I would recommend looking at going back to work.

And here is the actual problem - "I don't have access to family finances"!

This is the real issue.

I was coming on here to suggest dealing with all the house/kid/admin stuff by message. This is what my husband and I do - admin gets dealt with by message/whatsapp during our lunch breaks and while I'm waiting around at school gates/for kids' activities.

I say "we need a new washing-machine. What do you think of this?". He messages back, thumbs up emoji. Job done. He says "do you want me to take kids to soft play this weekend?" I message back, yay emoji. Job done. We don't discuss this stuff in person.

But as a sort of subtext to your thread, one finds the real issue. Financial abuse. No wonder you feel powerless.

Why doesn't op fix it?

If he doesn't sort out the broken items himself or give you access to money so that you can do it yourself, then of course you're going to have to nag him about them! I'd be going mental about the washing machine and dishwasher by now.

I was puzzled by how passive you sounded in your op, until your update. It sounds very controlling.

In a normal relationship a situation like a broken washing machine might lead a couple to realise that their access to money/financial information isn’t working well and that the person running the household needs to know whether to repair/replace and be able to access money to get on with that.

There’s a very strong vibe of boiling the frog .
Has he ever been physically abusive? Or emotionally or verbally abusive? The move away from family and friends, and the financial control are classic abuser moves.

Why don't you have access to family finances? Are you being denied or prefer to be an ostrich/ on an allowance?

Are you keen to start driving or prefer to be driven?

How are you on to baby #4 under these circumstances?

You admit your world is quite small, but you need to sort out finances before you can open that up.

In the very unlikely chance your husband is not in fact financially abusive, what interests do you maintain inside/ outside of the home (news, forums, online groups)?