DH says he can't enjoy his time with me because I'm spend so much time talking about the kids and home

[Adana22]

We have 3 kids. I'm a SAHM. We're very different in that I like to plan, organise, make lists and see things get done. He's much more laid back.

There's been a bunch of things that have been needing doing for a year or more. The washing machine needs replacing (leaks each time I use it). Dish washer is broken and just sits there for my toddler to climb in and out of. The cordless hoover doesn't work and the corded one is too heavy for me to drag around the house (I have some back issues and I'm pregnant).

Yesterday I printed out some information regarding one of the toddler- we've been having trouble with her food and sleep, and only recently have things improved. So I want to make sure things continue improving. I just typed up stuff about her meals, nap schedule, sleeping routine, milk etc. This is for when I go into labour, and also for the days immediately after while I'm looking after our newborn.

He was not only very dismissive, but seemed to suggest I spent too long discussing the kids and the house snd what we need for the house. And really we should only need 30mins a week to discuss such things. Also that he doesn't enjoy his time with me anymore because I'm talking about these things with him all the time.

It's really upset me. For years I've pleaded with him to make more time for me- arrange a lunch date at a café he knows I like. I keep dropping hints about places I'd like to visit (I'm talking mundane stuff like antique mills, markets, IKEA(!)), but he never does take the hint and the only time we have together without the kids is an hour at most in the evening.

It seems unfair of him, but his comments have also got me questioning myself. I used to have a rich life before I married and started a family. Now my husband just sees me as a boring old nag. AIBU for feeling this way?

These thread start getting me scared what my daughter's future will hold, as she is such a small, sweet, innocent, idealistic child....thanks God she is adamant she won't be married. I will have to make few clauses in my will to ringfence any money I could leave to her

yes, we have gleaned this and these threads are scary to read as there hundreds of them
and these are modern day raised in the west women

Why don't you have access to family finances? You say you had a career before kids so must have had your own bank account then as well as access to a joint account. Has he changed the details and not told you? I don't know how you pay for things daily when looking after the children at home - surely you're not calling your DH to pay every time you need to get them an ice cream or take them to the zoo or buy medicine or clothes??

Driving - have you tried lessons or do you not want to drive, or will he not give you the money? It's really unclear. Also you say you moved from one city to another - is there no public transport? How do you get the kids to places and where do you get the money for transport?

Dear poster, please can you come back and give us more info how your whole life goes and do you think you are abused financially? How do you get the kids to fun places, how big is his car ( let's call it that?) , when does he finds time to drive all of you to where, how often? Do you do family holidays, in the UK or foreign? How the daily food shopping is organised, who buys it with what kind of a bank card and how does it get delivered to the home, by delivery man or him goes and shops it?

Who buys the kids clothes, nappies, your own clothes and when, how often? Do you decide on that. Do you get haircuts, new tops, dresses, nails and coffee meetings with women or hobby groups? Do you go at least to mums and kids groups and do you feel happy doing this

you see , before restarting work I did not have access to my poor husband bank account but I knew what the poor guy earns and also he would give me cash just like that, he would buy me all the things I needed and even would buy me nice things I did not needed nor wanted. He would just tell me : ok, a nice new haircut, a colour? Where do you want to go on holiday, what colour you want the walls to be repainted, what kind of new sink - you see what I mean....Since I restarted work, he does not have access to my bank account also but I am not hiding money or spending money on someone else.

So he didn’t trust you with access to his money.
When I wasn’t working my husband set up a joint bank account and transferred money into it. I didn’t have to come to him for money nor get his opinion on what I was spending money on. I don’t use it much these days as I work part time but he still keeps it topped up and reminds me it’s there and to use it.

Agree, why are you waiting for over a year for someone else to deal with the he broken things, just go online and order them. Would drive me nuts waiting, just do some of it yourself

Thanks to everyone for responding. I'm reluctant to provide too much information for the fear of being identified, but also judged.

We share only the toddler. The first 2 children are his from a previous marriage. They don't need picking up and dropping off from school. I'm reluctant to drive because (1) I can't fund it (2) I suspect I will be expected to drive the older children to and from friends, hobbies, and when they visit their mum (my DH is the resident parent), which I don't want to do.

I had access to my savings when we married which are now depleted. Then I had some money coming in now and again from a tax refund, and stuff I've sold online. I don't have access to the money he earns, and we've never had a joint account. I know I'll get berated for this, but I don't receive the child benefit, and our marriage isn't legally registered in the UK. I know this was stupid. I held out hope that he'd agree to a legal marriage eventually, but he's become adament he doesn't want one now.I do the online shop on my phone, then give him my phone so he can enter his bank details to pay. He never saves the details on the app so I have to ask him each time. This has never sat right with me. I always wondered if he doesn't trust me. But I've never bought it up. If I need anything else for the house, I ask him once. If he doesn't buy it, I try and scrape money together to get it myself if I can. I had a large collection of jewellery before I married, and I've been selling pieces of that as and when I need to.

I don't know if I'm being financially abused. I think I just married someone who wanted to control family finances entirely, perhaps is a bit of a miser, and has very different values to me. I think it's more a case of us being incompatible with our values and outlook on life?The stupid thing is, the thing that upsets me is that my DH thinks I am boring. I've realised how much my world has shrunk when I married him. I barely recognise myself now. At the moment, it's this realisation that is bothering me the most. It's quite pathetic.

wrong. read my post. I was given cash with which I did what I found needed to be done. Some went into my savings. His earns very small salary which was/still is tied to the mortgage and bills.

It's really not. If colleagues are the same as children and you live in your workplace?

Oh you poor poor thing you are being emotionally and financially abused

you don’t get child benefit and you aren’t married - are you still in contact with your family or has he isolated you completely

no
one should berate or judge you these things happen so slowly and insidiously without your realising becuase I imagine he has always been so calm, confident and assured and made you feel thau his decisions were the right ones until you wake up like you have in a world that is much smaller and sadder than you had before.

that is not you it is him

The marriage still should be legal even if it is not registered. Register it then!!

@Adana22 Just saw your update . Do you feel comfortable asking your partner to give you access to the Child Benefit ? Also, are you from the UK , if not do you have indefinite leave to remain ? . Do you have family who can offer emotional and or practical support ?.

Register the marriage certificare, translated etc, make yourself having full EU settlement, if you are EU, stop doing much for his first 2 kids, concentrate on your own and the new baby and in couple of years time find a part time job and start saving. You don't need shared bank account with this scum.

Next time you order an online order, order cosmetics for yourself and some clothes also. The arrangement is ok as far as he gives you reasonable amount of spending money even this way and is faithful to you. Could be worse ....but once baby is born, start going immediately to mum and toddler groups, start living more outside your small circle and start planning more independent way of living and thinking. House and housework is not everything and you deserve a life

Honestly what the hell am I reading! How do women get in these positions. I will never understand it

"I don't know if I am being financially abused"
You are being abused full stop.

Op please share with your midwife and she can signpost you to some services. Not having access to any money is financial abuse.
Does he earn too much to claim child benefit?

OP. I wish you could read your thread with external eyes. You are being abused, full stop. Take some time to read and digest these comments.

OP it gets worse . No judgement just feel for you.

Do you what to leave ?
This can’t go on .
Start by making the child benefit claim
into your name . This will help with your pension stamps . Also when he pisses off or you realise you deserve better you can apply for benefits for you and the kids. .

You are his baby sitter for his other children and trapped.
How can any of us help ??

First of what do you want ? X

OP @Adana22 do you have ANYONE who you can go to at all ? Anyone in real life who can give you practical help ?

From the initial post, I thought "well, this is sometimes what happens - kids can be all-consuming, you've got to create some 'couple' time". But then I continued to read on. You're not only being financially abused, op, but most likely emotionally abused as well. Jesus, two of your 4 kids aren't even yours, and yet you're still expected to scrape together your own money to buy household things, or beg your husband. He views you as another child, to be controlled and managed on his terms. Please, for your sake and for the sake of your unborn child, make an escape plan and go. Your world feels incredibly small because it is, and he likes it that way. This is not a marriage, legal or otherwise. I'm afraid you have no protections if you leave him, and you are in an incredibly vulnerable position. I'm so sorry.

Two words: Financial Abuse.

@EineReiseDurchDieZeit is right, you need some outside help.

You aren't legally married and have none of the protections that come with it.

Your world has shrank because he has done this and obviously wants it this way or you would have access to finances and freedom.

You are absolutely being abused - finally and emotionally. You aren't being treated as an equal partner at all and he has all of the control.

Please call women's aid or something similar as the first port of call.

Please talk to your midwife about this. It is not acceptable, you and your children deserve better.