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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t want MIL living with us

203 replies

Justlivelovelaugheat · 04/02/2025 07:34

I feel awful writing this. My MIL is the loveliest. I feel like the grinch. My husband really wants to move her in to help with the kids and have a closer family unit but I feel like it’ll be more of a hindrance than a help. I love my privacy. Walking around, hair looking a bit crazy, don’t have to worry about nobody judging me and my parenting skills. And above all I feel like if husband and I disagree then it won’t be 2 against 1. Has anyone ever had a successful story with any in laws moving into your gaff?

OP posts:
JimHalpertsWife · 04/02/2025 07:35

Oh lordy no don't do it - is he wanting her to move in as it's then less for him to do? Or are you both doing your fair share and still need support?

StormingNorman · 04/02/2025 07:36

I would hate it too. Solidarity for you OP x

olympicsrock · 04/02/2025 07:37

I think you say that you love and want to protect both your good relationship and privacy within your self and your marriage.

It’s a bad idea to put yourself under such strain

Original poster
Justlivelovelaugheat · 04/02/2025 07:37

JimHalpertsWife · 04/02/2025 07:35

Oh lordy no don't do it - is he wanting her to move in as it's then less for him to do? Or are you both doing your fair share and still need support?

Well as it is I cook clean look after 2 kids life admin all of that he has a very demanding business. I’m happy with my tasks tbf I just get on with them I love my little routine. But having someone else to cook for? Clean up after? Sounds like a nightmare

OP posts:
Redcandlescandal · 04/02/2025 07:38

How would he feel if one of your parents moved in?

You have to say no.

Lovelysummerdays · 04/02/2025 07:38

I couldn’t do it, it’s a lot to take on. Then as the years March on you become default carer as it’s easier to accept a woman doing personal care.

Original poster
Justlivelovelaugheat · 04/02/2025 07:38

olympicsrock · 04/02/2025 07:37

I think you say that you love and want to protect both your good relationship and privacy within your self and your marriage.

It’s a bad idea to put yourself under such strain

Exactly!

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 04/02/2025 07:39

Absolutely not. I'd rather get divorced. Genuinely.

Original poster
Justlivelovelaugheat · 04/02/2025 07:39

Redcandlescandal · 04/02/2025 07:38

How would he feel if one of your parents moved in?

You have to say no.

Too right he would hate it lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Justlivelovelaugheat · 04/02/2025 07:40

Lovelysummerdays · 04/02/2025 07:38

I couldn’t do it, it’s a lot to take on. Then as the years March on you become default carer as it’s easier to accept a woman doing personal care.

Omg no chance already have changed enough nappies

OP posts:
Cattreesea · 04/02/2025 07:40

Nope.

Say no and stand your ground.

You will lose your privacy, you will feel watched/judge all the time. Plus she will never leave, even once your kids have grown up, and you will become a 24/7 carer for her as she ages.

nodramaplz · 04/02/2025 07:41

In my opinion it's not a good idea x

Original poster
Justlivelovelaugheat · 04/02/2025 07:42

nodramaplz · 04/02/2025 07:41

In my opinion it's not a good idea x

Yup I agree lol

OP posts:
SpringBunnyHopHop · 04/02/2025 07:42

Absolutely not.
Nobody helps like they say they will.

TicklishSheep · 04/02/2025 07:42

Absolutely no way would I agree to this! You’re definitely not being unreasonable

Radiatorvalves · 04/02/2025 07:43

i would not want this. Having anyone in your space 24/7 is very difficult. How old is she? Would she be helpful with kids? What about in the future? We’re probably at least a decade on. MIL is very physically infirm and has recently gone to a home and wants to escape. She’s suggested all sorts of impractical options including moving in with her DD (mid 60s and with her own mobility issues). The house would need conversion - stair lifts, a downstairs bathroom, finding space (impossible) for a downstairs bedroom. And in addition she needs someone on hand all the time as she’s fallen multiple times and help to dress, with toileting and standing up. For various sensible reasons none of her children are able to deal with this.

BaublesAndGlitter · 04/02/2025 07:44

Say no! I say this as someone who gets on well with both parents but who, when they split up, had one of them live with me and DH for 9 months.
It caused no end of tension, especially between me and DH. Just things like not being able to cuddle on the sofa in the evening and having to consider their food choices when cooking.

While I'm glad we could help I'm even more glad it was relatively short term!

Original poster
Justlivelovelaugheat · 04/02/2025 07:46

Radiatorvalves · 04/02/2025 07:43

i would not want this. Having anyone in your space 24/7 is very difficult. How old is she? Would she be helpful with kids? What about in the future? We’re probably at least a decade on. MIL is very physically infirm and has recently gone to a home and wants to escape. She’s suggested all sorts of impractical options including moving in with her DD (mid 60s and with her own mobility issues). The house would need conversion - stair lifts, a downstairs bathroom, finding space (impossible) for a downstairs bedroom. And in addition she needs someone on hand all the time as she’s fallen multiple times and help to dress, with toileting and standing up. For various sensible reasons none of her children are able to deal with this.

Like 60 still very young and sprucey. The problem is now DH is sold on the idea!! He wants to buy a house and live with many family members including mom as he believes it’s “traditional.” I know I’d get so burnt out having her around. I want to feel comfortable in my space.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justlivelovelaugheat · 04/02/2025 07:47

BaublesAndGlitter · 04/02/2025 07:44

Say no! I say this as someone who gets on well with both parents but who, when they split up, had one of them live with me and DH for 9 months.
It caused no end of tension, especially between me and DH. Just things like not being able to cuddle on the sofa in the evening and having to consider their food choices when cooking.

While I'm glad we could help I'm even more glad it was relatively short term!

I could imagine how awkward it was lol.

OP posts:
Radionowhere · 04/02/2025 07:48

arethereanyleftatall · 04/02/2025 07:39

Absolutely not. I'd rather get divorced. Genuinely.

Yup. Me too.

RatedDoingMagic · 04/02/2025 07:48

No don't do it. It can't and won't work. Neither you nor she will be happy. Each person needs a defined sphere where they have autonomy and freedom. He loves you and he loves her but is being totally unreasonable to think that therefore the 3 of you can make a happy trio. It doesn't work like that. Even if she's the loveliest person ever and you love her to bits you will destroy your relationships within 3 weeks if you agree to this. Encourage her to move nearby, if she'd like to, but keep your boundaries up and don't take on more than you are comfortable with. For as long as she can be fully independent she should be. When she starts needing cook/cleaner/housemaid/carer services that doesn't have to be you.

Rockingrobin25 · 04/02/2025 07:49

I get on very well with my mother in law but this would still be a no from me! They very kindly let us (and 2 kids) stay with them for 3 months when the house we were buying fell through and it did strain things between us all. I think we were all relieved when we moved out and our relationship went back to being great again. Hold your ground on this one OP!

Original poster
Justlivelovelaugheat · 04/02/2025 07:50

Rockingrobin25 · 04/02/2025 07:49

I get on very well with my mother in law but this would still be a no from me! They very kindly let us (and 2 kids) stay with them for 3 months when the house we were buying fell through and it did strain things between us all. I think we were all relieved when we moved out and our relationship went back to being great again. Hold your ground on this one OP!

Was there arguments or just tension?

OP posts:
ThighsYouCantControl · 04/02/2025 07:51

I adore both my in-laws but it’s a no way for me. I’d have more sympathy if he wanted her to move in because he wanted to look after her (I’d still struggle with that) but he wants 2 mummies to take care of the house so he presumably does less. Cheeky twat.

SapphOhNo · 04/02/2025 07:51

As PP say, stand your ground.

This is not what you signed up for!