Don’t want MIL living with us

[Justlivelovelaugheat]

I feel awful writing this. My MIL is the loveliest. I feel like the grinch. My husband really wants to move her in to help with the kids and have a closer family unit but I feel like it’ll be more of a hindrance than a help. I love my privacy. Walking around, hair looking a bit crazy, don’t have to worry about nobody judging me and my parenting skills. And above all I feel like if husband and I disagree then it won’t be 2 against 1. Has anyone ever had a successful story with any in laws moving into your gaff?

You like her so could she move to be nearer?
but move in? No no no

That’s the only answer you need. Put your foot down, he doesn’t get to decide this for you. You don’t have to passively agree because he’s “made up his mind” - it’s not just his future. You clearly wouldn’t be comfortable having her in your space 24/7 (no one would) and there’s no reason she needs to be! No care needs etc. He just wants mumsy also taking care of him and making his life easier. I’d be telling him the women in his life aren’t there to provide labour for HIM, they they and deserve their own lives, not be supporting characters. He’s had enough from his mum.

If he really wants a bigger house and his mummy moved in tell him you only agree on the condition your parents also move in. Fair is bloody fair. Of course he won’t like that because then he’ll be in your position of stuck entertaining the inlaws 24/7. But there we go.

Ah, and tell him he can say goodbye to any sex life. Awkward as fuck worried your MIL can hear or is aware what’s happening.

I bet he does, “very traditional” usually seems to mean he earns the money and is king at home, having a great time with no household/domestic responsibilities while she does everything else all the time, no weekends off. Maybe he sees his mum as an Extra pair of hands to assist this vision in becoming a reality?
But I agree with everyone else on this thread, stand firm against this idea!

We are considering inviting my MiL to live with us, but we would all have to choose the house and wouldn’t contemplate sharing either of our existing homes- it just wouldn’t work, they’re too small even if there are enough bedrooms. We all need our own daytime spaces and privacy, and also our own sense of control over our parts of the home- I think otherwise there would be clashes of people trying to control communal spaces to their preferences, or simply too many personalities in the available space. Your kids will only get bigger and need these things as well!

So you haven't RTFT.

I wonder if your DH has had pressure from his brother to have mum living with DH/you for a while as the brother has had enough. Is the brother married/got kids too?

Much as I get on with my MIL, it would be a 'no'. I've known my MIL for around 30 years now and know, for a fact, that she's criticised my house cleaning skills in the early days. (House may not have been tidy but it was always clean) DH told her what she could do with her opinion and we've had no issues since.

Does make me smile though when she comes round and I see her glancing at the missed dust ring on the sideboard. I'm such a slattern 😉. I really couldn't cope with that kind of life; always feeling I was being judged.

If he is looking to buy a property to do this, rather than move her in to your current family home then it could work.

I am 60 and I feel young and sprucey (mostly). I personally wouldn't want to be lumbered with kids on a regular basis again. Plus I still work and have a social life, so if I was MIL, you wouldn't see me much.

A lot of conversations need to be had about who is paying for her share of the new property, what happens if it doesn't work out (you and DH get divorced), MIL gets dementia in two years time and needs a care home, if MIL starts to need more help is she going to be responsible for this and fund it (cleaners for her area or carers if needed etc). It should all be discussed now and you put your cards on the table and say what you envisage it looking like if it happens.

Edited to say that on rereading the above, it sounds like I think it's a good idea - I don't. But the best way to knock it on the head is by having a discussion and pointing out all the problems and that you will not become a default carer.

I would never agree to this. You have the right to choose who lives with you.

she isn’t , and neither is her husband, so I assumed right .

Hell. No.

I actually did and the op saying she wasn’t Asian was quite a few comments after the person saying it works for Asians.

Op it isn't about other sucess stories because everyone is different, your mil moving in will only work if everyone has respect and boundaries and you don't need an inlaw to move in , in order to be a family unit. She can live in her own place and you can all be close. Remember once she's in she won't leave! Don't do it.

You could compromise at her maybe living on the same street or an annexe in the garden, but no way would I be wanting a 60 year old in law moving in, she could live for another 30/40 years, in that time you will also become elderly and will potentially end up being her carer. I would be putting my foot down.

And me.
You won't have privacy. You'll end up cooking, cleaning, doing laundry etc for her as she's a "guest". And probably for the other family members he wants to move in. It's highly unlikely she'll help with the kids or it will be "help" like playing with them while you get on with chores. In her old age you'll be expected to be her carer.

You say he's sold on the idea, but you haven't agreed. Not on.

Have you explained it will put an end to your sex life? That should do the trick…

Is he talking IN your house or a granny annexe?

Would she want this (I wouldn't)

Has he mentioned it to her already?

Does he know you are against it?

My MIL is old and infirm now, but even back when she was sprightly, there is no way I would have wanted that in a million years, help or no help!

My grandma lived with us when I was a child, my mum's mum, and her and my dad never got on (my mum was her carer). Looking back, my dad was a saint for allowing it, but I expect there was no viable alternative.

If he's so traditional and wants to live with many family members, tell him that you want your parents to move in as well.

Are you and your DH from a culture where it is normal to live with your parents?

Why don't you talk to your MIL and see what she thinks Op, she might be happy where she is or even be looking to get her own place. It would be far easier to stop your DH mad plan if his Mum says no. You need to get MIL on yiur side

Traditional where?

This!

I adore my DC and see them regularly but I would not expect them to give up their privacy to house me and I don’t want to give up mine! There’s an independence that comes with having and running your own place and I’m not sure it’s any better for MIL to give that up than it is for you. I’d be worried in her shoes I’d end up getting dependent on my DC much younger than I otherwise would. You could play this angle with DH. That it’s better for MIL to keep independent for as long as possible (sounds like currently she’s probably looking after your BIL rather than vice versa).

Does MIL even want to move in? I know you say she’s with BIL but is that out of an obligation to help him if he’s single?

A few things:

1. If you are the one at home, it makes more sense for your parents to move in, especially as MIL is already living with her other son - but I bet your DH doesn’t like that idea!
2. If she moves in, you will need a rota for cooking and cleaning etc just like with housemates, or you will end up doing everything - make it clear that you will not become household dogsbody
3. You are the alpha female in the house, when it comes to decisions in the home, MIL would have to defer to you, and DH would have to be prepared to take your side in all things
4. All parties need to understand that if MIL needs care at any point, this will not be provided by you, and DH would have to accept that either he would have to pay for care, or quit work and provide it, so he’d better be able to get the larger mortgage for the larger house with annexe paid off pretty damned quickly
5. As you want to go back to work, MIL would find herself the de facto housewife, cooking, cleaning, and shopping for you all, as well as doing school runs etc. Same if you go the other route you have considered of home schooling the children. is she really up for that?!?!
6. You and your husband will never be intimate again

Honestly I think your husband needs to talk to friends / acquaintances in multi generational houses about how it actually works, the good and bad, and take off his rose tinted glasses. I suspect it would be a disaster, and he would blame you for being unreasonable!

People keep talking about an annexe - don’t even think it, OP. You say your DH “ wants to buy a house and live with many family members” - even if your MIL lived in an annexe, that’s exactly what would happen. My parents moved my grandmother (father’s mother - he didn’t get on with her, so it was all a bit odd, but my DM was a slave to duty and DGM talked my DM into it) into an annexe, and it was hell - she used to come round all the time because she was a bit bored (she lived in the annexe with her partner) and every time any family came to see her, they’d all end up in the house with my DM having to run round and cater for them all. When she died, (and after my DM had done a great deal of looking after her including personal care) all the other family members descended like hyenas to see what they could scavenge - it was just horrible. It used to make me fume on my DM’s behalf, the way that my father’s siblings and families would treat my parents’ house like a hotel and think it fine to stay whenever they fancied because they were coming to see their DM. Just don’t do it, OP.

How old is your MIL and how old are your kids?

Personally speaking, I think this works if they have their own space so you and your family can have some "me" time and they can have visitors in their own space. By space, I mean a bathroom, bedroom and lounge.

And if your MIL deteriorates, who does DH expect to look after her...you I assume? That's why I ask how old she is.

Of course he wants this. He likes the idea of having two women to 'do' for him.

It is all very well saying this is somehow traditional and that other cultures do it so it must be right. What he is hearing are the public voices. He doesn't hear what, the mostly, women say privately, which is often a lot less positive.

Add to this the very strong chance you will become the carer. This will seem a long way off but it can happen very suddenly. Social Services won't help until you are broken by it. That or you will have to sell your home to release DMIL's share of the equity to fund a card home.

I love my mother in law to bits. She has come to live with us for months at a time when childcare arrangements fell through. She nursed me back to health after two horrendous post partum depression episodes. We live in a flat so the logistics are tricky as we give her our bedroom so are on sofa beds etc when she is here, which is the only issue.

She has done more for me and our family than my own mum ever has and if I had the space I'd move her in a heart beat. We are currently looking at options. She will need live in support in the not to distant future, at the moment my BIL lives with her as he works from home and he does a great job of looking after her. I imagine this arrangement will continue for the foreseeable, as they are happy but of course he needs to be able to relocate if he wants to. I am conscious that he perhaps puts his life on hold (no family of his own) and I often speak to him about this but he says he is happy as things are.

I wouldn't want to live with my own mum though, she is a tricky character. Another thread. Another time.