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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t want MIL living with us

203 replies

Justlivelovelaugheat · 04/02/2025 07:34

I feel awful writing this. My MIL is the loveliest. I feel like the grinch. My husband really wants to move her in to help with the kids and have a closer family unit but I feel like it’ll be more of a hindrance than a help. I love my privacy. Walking around, hair looking a bit crazy, don’t have to worry about nobody judging me and my parenting skills. And above all I feel like if husband and I disagree then it won’t be 2 against 1. Has anyone ever had a successful story with any in laws moving into your gaff?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 04/02/2025 07:51

I think I would put out the impossible. If he wants his mother to move in then he needs to wrap up his very demanding business so he's around for her.

He's spinning it as she'll be helping when in reality, you'll be wiping her bum when the time comes.

I think it would be a dealbreaker for me if he forces the issue.

LovelyDaaling · 04/02/2025 07:52

It's a terrible idea. MIL might be lovely now but it'll turn sour after she moves in. You won't be mistress in your own home.

Tourmalines · 04/02/2025 07:52

No no no . It’s not how it’s meant to be . No good for parents to move in and no good for adult kids with families to move back in with their parents either . It does work for a lot of Asian families but it’s a completely different culture.

SallyWD · 04/02/2025 07:52

We considered this as DH is Indian and traditionally mothers live with their sons. I really agonised over it because MIL is lovely and I know she hates living alone. She would have helped a lot with the kids and housework.
However. I know I would have struggled. I'm an introvert and desperately need my own space. Also we're very different and there would have been tensions.
Ultimately, your home needs to be your haven. Somewhere where you can be completely relaxed.
Can she move closer to you? I actually wouldn't mind if MIL lived around the corner from us. That would he lovely for everyone. I see that as being a good compromise.

lechatnoir · 04/02/2025 07:53

I get on brilliantly with my mother-in-law, but absolutely no way. She is on her own and comes to stay with us for extended periods and after about a week I start to get twitchy my own space and by week 2 I'm actively creating excuses to leave the house.

If worked away from home all day it might be different (as it is for DH) but if you're at either as a SAHP or wfh, you never get any time alone and it can be quite suffocating however nice someone is.

The only way I'd consider it would be living in an annex with separate living space AND if I worked elsewhere at least a few days a week so I didn't become the default carer.

Original poster
Justlivelovelaugheat · 04/02/2025 07:54

Tourmalines · 04/02/2025 07:52

No no no . It’s not how it’s meant to be . No good for parents to move in and no good for adult kids with families to move back in with their parents either . It does work for a lot of Asian families but it’s a completely different culture.

Yeah he says he wants to be more like how Asians are. But even my Asian friends don’t want to live with their in laws so each to their own!

OP posts:
ruethewhirl · 04/02/2025 07:54

Lovelysummerdays · 04/02/2025 07:38

I couldn’t do it, it’s a lot to take on. Then as the years March on you become default carer as it’s easier to accept a woman doing personal care.

Was about to say exactly this. Trust your gut on this one OP.

Rockingrobin25 · 04/02/2025 07:54

It was just tension really but think came close to arguments and probably would've done if we'd stayed longer. We were very grateful to be staying there so tried to fit in with them and not rock the boat but not sure I could've kept it up long term.

Original poster
Justlivelovelaugheat · 04/02/2025 07:55

lechatnoir · 04/02/2025 07:53

I get on brilliantly with my mother-in-law, but absolutely no way. She is on her own and comes to stay with us for extended periods and after about a week I start to get twitchy my own space and by week 2 I'm actively creating excuses to leave the house.

If worked away from home all day it might be different (as it is for DH) but if you're at either as a SAHP or wfh, you never get any time alone and it can be quite suffocating however nice someone is.

The only way I'd consider it would be living in an annex with separate living space AND if I worked elsewhere at least a few days a week so I didn't become the default carer.

I am a SAHM as well. I already know what it’s like to always have to be interacting with people!

OP posts:
Snowmanscarf · 04/02/2025 07:58

Do you need more help with the kids?

why would having mil living with you make a closer family unit? Where does she live now?

it would be a big no from me.

Is mil pushing for the move?

stopringingme · 04/02/2025 07:58

Worst nightmare, it would be a no from me.

Radiatorvalves · 04/02/2025 07:59

It’s a bit different but when the kids were younger we had a series of AU Pairs - some great, some not, but all were in our space. We were chatting to our neighbors last weekend - they gave a lodger and the current one seems sweet but she has no life outside work and wants to join in with all family activities. I think while MIL is by your own account lovely, you’d end up going potty and having no space at all. I can’t tell you how relieved I was when we no longer needed Au Pairs.

Original poster
Justlivelovelaugheat · 04/02/2025 08:00

Snowmanscarf · 04/02/2025 07:58

Do you need more help with the kids?

why would having mil living with you make a closer family unit? Where does she live now?

it would be a big no from me.

Is mil pushing for the move?

No he is. She’s single and lives with other son at the moment but maybe she would want to if he keeps dangling the carrot. The kids are hard to a degree but I’d rather sacrifice a few more years then them be hard and I don’t have any peace in my own home.

OP posts:
Moonnstars · 04/02/2025 08:00

Absolutely not!
Is he an only child? How would finances work? If she paid and contributed to the house, what if she then did need more care in the future and a specialist care home, would this then affect you in terms of needing to sell up to pay for this care? If DH has siblings will they see this as a move to get more money?

In day to day terms would she be eating with you every meal time or would she sometimes eat separately (additional costs of electric/gas). Same with washing, would hers be included with the rest of you or would she have separate times to do hers?
Would you all need to consult eachother if friends were coming over?

I do think it would be awkward and as others have said it would then naturally lead to you being her carer. I don't think your DH realises any of this because in his mind none of this affects him

Original poster
Justlivelovelaugheat · 04/02/2025 08:01

Radiatorvalves · 04/02/2025 07:59

It’s a bit different but when the kids were younger we had a series of AU Pairs - some great, some not, but all were in our space. We were chatting to our neighbors last weekend - they gave a lodger and the current one seems sweet but she has no life outside work and wants to join in with all family activities. I think while MIL is by your own account lovely, you’d end up going potty and having no space at all. I can’t tell you how relieved I was when we no longer needed Au Pairs.

Why did you need them can I ask? Was it too hard with the kids?

OP posts:
MigGril · 04/02/2025 08:01

My inlaws did this, they moved my mother in laws mum in with them. Nobody was ever happy, it was a bit of a miserable situation really. We said all alone they needed an house with an anxece (I can't spell that) but no they just bought a big house. Granny didn't like it as much as the inlaws as she couldn't cook when she wanted to and felt a bit trapped in her rooms.

I would never do it as you just don't feel comfortable in your own space anymore.

LovelyDaaling · 04/02/2025 08:03

Imagine having a friend over for coffee and MIL playing gooseberry or pottering in the background with a cheery 'don't mind me'. Just awful

MangshorJhol · 04/02/2025 08:04

In laws moved in with us in 2019- they lived 4 hours away by flight (mainland US). They had their own bedroom, and a living room but we shared the kitchen and the bigger family living area. I encouraged it as they were getting old and flying out to look after them each time was getting hard.
For context I like the in laws and I work FT. We have two small kids.

Best decision we ever made. In laws were with us in the pandemic and got to see the grandkids. MIL has a lung condition so we could also keep an eye on her. To be honest they did the bulk of the homeschooling. MIL cooked every day while DH and I worked and FIL entertained the toddler. FIL died in 2024 and that was hard. We looked after him in his last days (with paid professional help and also DH is a physician) and that was a real privilege.

Why it worked for us: they were very respectful of us and our space and we were of theirs. They had a life independent of us. DH is 100% an equal partner/parent. On the occasions we had small niggles he spoke to them for me.

My dad has recently moved in next door and so far so good. He has regular carers. He and MIL are great friends so they give each other company. Multigenerational living is possible but it requires everyone to be on board.

Funnily my dad winds me up more than he does DH (who finds my Dad’s stubbornness mildly amusing) and my in laws would wind up DH but would listen to me!

Original poster
Justlivelovelaugheat · 04/02/2025 08:06

MangshorJhol · 04/02/2025 08:04

In laws moved in with us in 2019- they lived 4 hours away by flight (mainland US). They had their own bedroom, and a living room but we shared the kitchen and the bigger family living area. I encouraged it as they were getting old and flying out to look after them each time was getting hard.
For context I like the in laws and I work FT. We have two small kids.

Best decision we ever made. In laws were with us in the pandemic and got to see the grandkids. MIL has a lung condition so we could also keep an eye on her. To be honest they did the bulk of the homeschooling. MIL cooked every day while DH and I worked and FIL entertained the toddler. FIL died in 2024 and that was hard. We looked after him in his last days (with paid professional help and also DH is a physician) and that was a real privilege.

Why it worked for us: they were very respectful of us and our space and we were of theirs. They had a life independent of us. DH is 100% an equal partner/parent. On the occasions we had small niggles he spoke to them for me.

My dad has recently moved in next door and so far so good. He has regular carers. He and MIL are great friends so they give each other company. Multigenerational living is possible but it requires everyone to be on board.

Funnily my dad winds me up more than he does DH (who finds my Dad’s stubbornness mildly amusing) and my in laws would wind up DH but would listen to me!

Wow I’m considering home schooling so this is a nice perspective. Glad someone has had a positive experience.

OP posts:
FindusMakesPancakes · 04/02/2025 08:07

Ask those Asian friends how easy they find it, even with the cultural expectations.

We had my inlaws here for about 3 months while MIL recovered from an op. That was more than enough. Up until then, husband has always thought she would move in once she was on her own. By week 6, he had agreed it wasn't a solution.

If she is only 60, you would potentially have 30 years of this. The bulk of your prime years of marriage, given over to prioritising someone else over your own relationship. No thank you.

CagneyNYPD1 · 04/02/2025 08:07

I would ask him 2 questions:

Would he be happy for your mother to move in?

Would he be happy with the impact it will have on your privacy as a married couple and the inevitable decline in your sex life?

I suspect that question 2 might have a bit of an impact. It's not a threat - it's a prediction of what will happen.

ApolloandDaphne · 04/02/2025 08:08

I am 62 and I would not want to move in with either of my DDs as much as love them dearly. We all get on better living in our own spaces and seeing each other periodically. Your Mil may not be at all keen.

Original poster
Justlivelovelaugheat · 04/02/2025 08:10

ApolloandDaphne · 04/02/2025 08:08

I am 62 and I would not want to move in with either of my DDs as much as love them dearly. We all get on better living in our own spaces and seeing each other periodically. Your Mil may not be at all keen.

Of course everybody deserves their own space after all you sound like a great mum.

OP posts:
Devon24 · 04/02/2025 08:11

‘dh, we have a fabulous relationship with your mother as things stand. It’s likely this will be totally ruined if she ever moves in, as much as I like her. The answer is no, it will always be no. Would you prefer to move in with her or stay with us? Your choice’

socks1107 · 04/02/2025 08:12

We took my fil in, and it was a big factor in my marriage breakdown. It was always them against me, I spent many evenings in my bedroom and it was awful.
My advice is don't do it