Don’t want MIL living with us

[Justlivelovelaugheat]

I feel awful writing this. My MIL is the loveliest. I feel like the grinch. My husband really wants to move her in to help with the kids and have a closer family unit but I feel like it’ll be more of a hindrance than a help. I love my privacy. Walking around, hair looking a bit crazy, don’t have to worry about nobody judging me and my parenting skills. And above all I feel like if husband and I disagree then it won’t be 2 against 1. Has anyone ever had a successful story with any in laws moving into your gaff?

My widowed mother moved into an attached annexe we had built for her when she was 72 and reasonably fit. She lived until the age of 87 and, although it was a bit of a novelty at first, and she could help with household tasks, her health gradually worsened, she needed more attention, and we found the situation very stressful. After a stroke she had help from community health services, who tramped through my house to get to the annexe every day, and although I was working I felt my home was no longer mine. I also had, and still have, health issues, which added to the pressure.

I could go on and on about the effects on my husband and myself. It was his idea to have her! We ended up sometimes resenting my dearly beloved Mum, which was not something we had seriously contemplated at the beginning when she was well. Also, we were unable to even consider moving house at any stage. I’ve told my children I wouldn’t move in with them, even if they wanted me. So I would say, think very carefully. Best of luck!

Personally, I can think of nothing worse. Far too many 'what ifs' and as you say OP, you like your privacy.
It is one ting having a granny annex where family can keep an eye on an elderly relative whilst they can live independently but actually having a MIL living in to help with the kids.........seems like a 'responsibility cop-out' on the part of the DH.

Really?

I'd guess he's trying to shift her out whilst she is low effort and he can sell the plus sides of her being around. He can see what's coming down the line and doesn't want to become the carer by default.

We took my fil in, and it was a big factor in my marriage breakdown. It was always them against me, I spent many evenings in my bedroom and it was awful.
My advice is don't do it

In that case he's talking utter bollocks about it being tradition. Not in the UK. Not since at least Amglo Saxon times. If you look in the historic records it's always been the norm for people to leave their parents' home when they married and to live as separate households.

There were exceptions, of course - extreme poverty, or elderly parents needing care, for example, meant some people didn't move out, or they did but parents later moved in with them. But it was very much the exception to the rule (and bear in mind that caring for an elderly parent in the past usually meant a few months or a year - not decades). On grand estates it was common for the eldest son to move back into the main house when inherited and for his widowed mother to stay on the estate. But she was then in a separate dower house. Shared, multigenerational housing is not and has never been the tradition here.

If you and he were from a shared culture where it actually was tradition, you would at least all 3 be starting from a point of similar expectations about how the set up would work. You still wouldn't be obliged to do it, but it would have a slightly higher chance of being successful.

As it is, you don't have a set of shared expectations and rules. You don't have the space. And 2 out of the 3 of you don't want to do.

It has disaster written all over it.

Slightly different situation for me.
My father in law was hospitalized with health issues, so we moved in with them so that we could be more available to help out. It worked for us, because its a large house, so we all had our own areas (bedrooms and lounge), and just shared the kitchen and bathrooms. This meant that everyone had a quiet space for some much needed privacy. All chores were shared, so it was a lighter load for everyone really. We lived together for a few years until they moved to a smaller house just before covid. We still get on well.

Oh God, that's the stuff of nightmares, esp if the DIL tries to move on and meet someone else.
You can't exactly bring a new man home when you MIL is in the house.

I also know someone who moved her mother in when she was widowed young decades ago to help with the children. I know she struggled in the teen years normal teen stuff (makeup, fashions, late nights) and her mother trying to put her nose in.

I'd say to him that you MIGHT consider it, if your parents can move in too. See what he thinks of that idea 🤣

Im joking by the way. Don't consider it for a second!

No don’t do this for your own sanity, the sake of your sex life, marriage and your relationships with your children. It’s a recipe for disaster. A weeks visit and little comments is more than I can handle any longer and I would be moving out.

Maybe if you worked full time, it was your idea, if you have a granny flat (so you could both have own space, have a fantastic relationship already and know she would be the type to also have her own life, encourage and support you and knew how to respect boundaries which most MIL’s don’t.

I love my mother dearly, and we get on really well (I take the boys to stay with my parents regularly, sometimes DH comes too, perhaps 25 nights a year in total?) but this wouldn't work for me with my own mother as a full-time thing. The nicest mother-in-law would be an extra step, too. Fortunately my mother lives quite happily with my Dad, and my sisters are very close to my parents. It would be a "no" from me.

She won't be forever though, if she lives in your house now you will end up the default carer as she ages, unless you literally kick her out.
Hell would freeze over before I agreed to this, how about your DH helps manage his own kids and household and not think he can shelve off his responsibilities by bringing his mum in to 'help'.
100% no, do not do this

Let me guess. Does being traditional include you being the primary caregiver, cook, cleaner etc? Did you agree to being a 'trad wife' (barf)? Honestly this screams red flags for flexing his misogynistic values and seeing how far it will go.
Hard pass

"If the mother needs help with the DC we should bring in another Support Human, aka Woman".

She’s 60. She could be living with you for another 30 years. Your children will move out before she does. No.

Traditional your backside.
Did his Granny live with them growing up?

I think it will cause far more issues than it solves for a young family.

I think the best solution would be for her to find her own place as it sounds like the Ops BIL isn't 100% happy with the Mum staying with him either. Or he needs to move out if I'm reading it wrong.

It's a bit like living with your parents he can't exactly be a single young man, inviting dates back after the dancing.

Multi generational/extended family home worked when the whole family was involved in some sort of collective business: farming, a trade. All those extra hands provided cheap labour.

Does DH plan on/fantasise about moving you all to some sort of farm? Where you will all work and live together? Is he thinking he would give up his job and become the leader of this commune? Or is he more fantasising about all the men going out to work leaving behind the women and children to run the farm?

OP, don't do it, at least not without very serious consideration.

My parents came to live with us because we had a separate annexe and mum couldn't handle the stairs in their home.

Mum died, but dad is still here - 18 years later.

DH feels resentful, we often have terse words between us about him, we both feel trapped and unable to move on.

Ah, this will be the age old tradition of setting his wife up to be his mother's carer. It will absolve him from guilt - which will all be shifted firmly onto you. Under no circumstances agree to this OP. You will regret it forever more. It won't work. It hardly ever works, even in cultures where this is the norm. Tell your DH to move in with her if he's that keen and leave you out of it.

Don’t do it.

MIL lived with us during the first COVID lockdown. I was furloughed, DH wasn’t, so I ended up resentfully cooking and cleaning for everyone. We had no privacy.

I get on with MIL but having her living with us was an entirely different kettle of fish.

100% no. My ex mil and my own mum have forever hinted at living next door or in same house, on one hand it's a compliment that we were the chosen ones over other siblings, on the other hand I found it offensive that they think I'd want that. That I wouldn't need my own space, have visitors round, want to be fully relaxed and in control of my own home.
Hell no.
And I get on with them all.. but we get on BECAUSE the visits come to an end so energy can be given to the visit for a few hours. It's always a relief to say goodbye.

Its a definite no from me. My mum had both her MIL and FIL move in with us for a time when I was growing up.

It was awful as kids we all played musical bedrooms DM my was always upset and whispering in the kitchen about them. FIL used to storm off he didn’t get his choice of TV in the main living room. MIL was a very fussy eater and she became incontinent. We had lots of disapproving looks and ‘in my day comments’. It wasn’t good.

You could still be caring for her when you are her age! No way!

And even then, it really wasn't common in the UK. When children married, they moved out - as a minimum to another house on the farm, and mostly to somewhere else entirely.

NO!! Don’t do it OP.

My MIL is a really lovely woman, but living with her permanently would, without a shadow of a doubt, end my marriage and destroy my mental health and my relationship with my children. Maybe I’m horrible and selfish, but I’d strongly advise against this unless you are very similar in personality and your general approaches to life are closely aligned.

We lived in with my in-laws and two children under 3 for six months. It was so kind of them to let us stay, and I was so grateful. But, simultaneously, I found unbearable. I could never do it again.