Don’t want MIL living with us

[Justlivelovelaugheat]

I feel awful writing this. My MIL is the loveliest. I feel like the grinch. My husband really wants to move her in to help with the kids and have a closer family unit but I feel like it’ll be more of a hindrance than a help. I love my privacy. Walking around, hair looking a bit crazy, don’t have to worry about nobody judging me and my parenting skills. And above all I feel like if husband and I disagree then it won’t be 2 against 1. Has anyone ever had a successful story with any in laws moving into your gaff?

You, DH and the kids are the family unit. She is extended family. Hold your boundary and tell him it’s a deal breaker.

What, so he goes off to work and you're actually with her at home a lot more than he is? YANBU at all.

Simple answer: "Only if my parents can move in too, dear!'. Be firm.

What about a granny annexe?

A hard no from me. This is a deal breaker.

She’s only 60. Why would she even want to move in with you? She should be out living the high life at that age. If your husband wants to live with her that much tell him to move in with her. He can come and visit you at the weekend.

How about making a separate entrance to her part of the house - building a small unit for her with a kitchen and a bathroom? Where I come from, that is a very popular solution when your older widowed mum/dad. In that way you will still live separately but very close and everybody will have their own space and privacy. I would not underestimate free childcare - kids would love their nan around, it would be good for their development.

When my MIL died, both my husband and I hoped my FIL would move in with us. We tried to get planning permission for an extension with his own entrance and staircase to a 1st floor extension (our house is an unusual shape). Permission was denied - but he wanted to stay in his own home - nearly 4 hours drive away. Eventually he moved just around the corner from us. Even though he often ate with us and we popped in to see him every day, I think he was lonely and never got over the death of my lovely MIL. We loved him dearly, but his decision was the right one. We all had our own space and privacy. And I actually think he'd have been lonelier with us as I'm out a lot and our house is at the edge of the village with no very near neighbours. The house he bought was near the edge of the newer housing estate, and he had super neighbours, some of whom spoiled him rotten! He was nearly 100 when he died, and I still miss him.

Why suggest an alternative to just saying no? Her mum is currently fit and well, adequately housed, and most importantly, the OP doesn't want her MIL moving in.

I would do some research on 55+ accommodation locally, see if you can find a local community ideally within walking distance, or bus/short taxi. Point out to your DH that as she's moving nearer it would be helpful if MIL had her own friendship circle of likeminded similarly aged people (U3A, bridge club, knitting circle, WI or whatever) so as to bring variety into MIL life - keeping her active and busy is going to help her mental health too, and keep her younger.... does he really want to take MIL everywhere with your family? (do you have room in the car?

My dad did this after my mum died. He lived in a Macarthy and Stone flat with other oldies and enjoyed an active social life until he was too old and ill to live alone and needed constant nursing attendance. The flat was 10 minutes drive from us and we saw him a lot. I've been so blessed to have had such lovely relatives - and our children benefitted hugely from their love. When the time comes, I want to be as independent as possible, see our children and grandchildren when they have the time and live near them, but not with them.

Please don’t do this. My grandparents lived with us when I was growing up. It totally ruined my relationship for life with my mum, caused a lot of issues in the home.

Kids might not love their gran around, I hated it when our grandparents lived with us. It ruined my childhood and relationship with my mum

This is something to say a firm no to - you'll end up as her carer down the line, while your husband is busy with his 'business.' It'll without doubt be more work for you and not less. Does she actually want to move in? What is her situation?

I don't understand the 'traditional' reference really.

@Justlivelovelaugheat never in a million years!!

She's only 60?

Why would she want to move in?

I'm a bit older &wouldn't want to be living with young kids again!

I wouldn't expect to be waited on but equally I wouldn't expect to be doing childcare or cooking/cleaning regularly for everyone either!

It's man code for "my wife is too tired for frequent sex so I'll haul another woman in to lighten the load do the shit I should be doing so that my wife can have more sex with me"

Imo this only works if you have a fully self contained annex, with ground rules and not wandering accross the threshold unannounced

as someone mid 50's myself with a nearing 60 husband -and still with dependent school age kids ourselves - i kind of laugh at the idea of committing to living with a son and DIL at this stage of life!!! You have absolutely no idea of how life and health will treat your MIL going into older age or how life will treat you, DH and kids as they grow up. I have plenty of friends who have had cancer diagnoses in their 40's and 50's. Multi-generational living works fab for some family units but in many years of community nursing i can tell you who does the bulk of the work in caring for elderly relatives..yes you've guessed it, DAUGHTERS AND DIL's !!! so if that's what you are happy to accept, fair enough ...i have huge admiration for those who do wonderful caring but its not for everyone,

Does she even want to move in? I discussed it with my mother once and she said she wouldn't mind living five miles away but wouldn't want to move in for exactly the same reasons you have - lack of privacy, being on top of each other all day etc. and we would drive each other nuts.

DMIL could move in with us but prefers her own house and is turning 89 this year with health issues.

I am 60. There is no way I'd move in with my DC at the moment, and if I am incapacitated when older I'd rather move into a care home in my town with easy access to the craft groups and other activities I am involved in here rather than tie my DC up with looking after me in some new place.

His argument about his Mum being able to help with the kids doesn't even hold ground if she is only 10 minutes away, she could be helping anyway, if you really need it.

I would tell him that you love him and want your family relationships to stay positive, but if he is insistent on living with his Mother, he will be doing so alone.

She lives ten minutes away? for my dh, apart from his adult kids, living on the same continent is too close to some of his family. We are nc with most of the toxic arseholes.😁

^this.

Your husband is possibly not seeing it but what he's actually asking for now is very different than what it may look like in years to come and realistically given your set up the additional labour will fall to you by default.

I wouldn't do it either. I'd suggest as a compromise that you look for a smaller house/ ground floor flat/fold closer to you so it's easier for her to visit and for you both to respond if she needs it but I would not be moving her in if your initial reaction is trepidation.

I think you need to sit down with him and say that it's very important to you that you're home is the safe/ tension free place you both come home to at the end of the day and that you don't feel comfortable risking the good dynamics you have going now by adding another adult into the mix who will have their own ways of doing things. I'd also remind him that while right now he's thinking about her being able to help out, that this will essentially be short lived and you cannot take on the role of her carer which is what would effectively end up happening given how busy he is with work. I'd say that you love mil but you both need to put your heads together and think of another option and why don't you look at a little place for her closer by so you both still have your space and privacy but it's easier to visit each other. Then set boundaries with that.

Has mil made any mention of even wanting to move in with you? She may hate the idea of wanting to become free labour.

Absolutely baffled to see that neither of you are from a culture where this is normal. It's really really rare outside of this.
Unless you both have a really good relationship with her and are all on the same page about the logistics of this, the distribution of labour within the house etc. This will go so badly so quickly. What happens when she's older and your husband is still busy with work - are you expected to be her carer?
My husband comes from an Asian background and we have discussed the potential of my parents moving in with us to help facilitate their retirement, but only in a standalone annex type situation and only if its really the best option for all parties. But we lived with them for several years, spend a lot of time together anyway and we can both be very honest with them about anything.

And a smear test every day