Don’t want MIL living with us

[Justlivelovelaugheat]

I feel awful writing this. My MIL is the loveliest. I feel like the grinch. My husband really wants to move her in to help with the kids and have a closer family unit but I feel like it’ll be more of a hindrance than a help. I love my privacy. Walking around, hair looking a bit crazy, don’t have to worry about nobody judging me and my parenting skills. And above all I feel like if husband and I disagree then it won’t be 2 against 1. Has anyone ever had a successful story with any in laws moving into your gaff?

sorry to hear that… did
you divorce in the end?

Don't do it! In years to come I'd be willing to bet that you would also become your MIL's default carer as she ages.

You are happy with things so don't change them. Your home would not remain your sanctuary if you do.

I'd be putting my foot down hard on this. Hard NO to MIL (or any other in-laws/family members) moving in and also to moving house to facilitate it! If he tried to force it then I'm afraid it would become divorce territory for me.

I would have no problem with MIL coming over for the odd day or two to visit or to take care of the children in an emergency, but absolutely NOT to move in!

Stick to your guns here and do not back down.

Not sure why you are posting on Mumsnet TBH.

You don't want her to move in. Therefore she doesn't move in. You get a right of veto on this. Your husband can go swivel.

Or you can separate and he can move back in with his mummy.

You are not the Waltons op. Your dh’s expectations are unrealistic.

Can you make a self contained area in your house for the mil? That way there's less day to day contact with her?

Is there any possibility of a granny annexe for your MIL?
This would be a compromise in which everyone had their own space/privacy

NO.

It would be a fuck no from me 😂

Worst nightmare. Fine for a 2 night visit. Over Christmas it was 4 nights. It was not good for our marriage!!

My MIL is a nice person I’d happily be friends with (same interests etc), but to live with nope nope nope. She’s a fair bit older than yours and very set in her ways.

That is moving her in. Annexe or not.

Maybe a self contained annex with it's own front door or a separate property at the bottom of the garden would be a good compromise.

Is he actually just jealous of her being close to his brother? Or is his brother fed up? Cheaper than her renting.

You need to say, "I don't care how sold you are on the idea, DH, I don't want her to move in so it won't be happening. Please don't bring this up again unless you really want to hear the word "no" a thousand different ways."

I’d consider it if she was in an annex. I love my PILs and would live right next to them but couldn’t actually live in the same space as them long term. This would be the same as with my own parents and I think DH would say the same.

maybe suggest an annex to DH or she moves in next door? But if that’s not possible then it’s got to be a no surely?

No!!! Terrible advice. DO NOT DO THIS!!

No not anytime soon.

Also, if you’re a SAHM, your DH is looking to absolve himself of his share of parenting by moving in his mother.

It might be different to have extra help if you both had busy careers.

That would annoy me. It’s not a help for you, but a help for him!!

Hi @Justlivelovelaugheat why did you DH suggest that? Where does your MIL currently live?

Speak directly to your MIL and say you value your good relationship too much to risk it changing due to her moving in together.

10 minutes away! We see enough of her

MIL lived with us for 2 years when our DC were small. She did help out with the DC but once they started nursery and kept bringing home colds etc her health rapidly declined (she developed COPD and after one particular hospitalisation left to live with BIL). We also had NO privacy and she didn't feel confident enough to join in anything outside the home so made no new friends and we became her sole entertainment. Did I mention the lack of privacy? And lack of kitchen space?
Just nope. And I wouldn't move in with my DC either unless it was a seperate annex and I was fit and able to make new friends and have a seperate social life.

Absolutely not from me. MIL suggested moving in during lockdown, but even before then DH understood that if she moved in, I moved out.

I do think you need to be really frank with your DH, but is he coming up with this idea because you are struggling with the dc?

This. Every time.

I think you’ve got to say really clearly, I don’t want this. It wouldn’t feel like my space, I want my home to feel like my space. You need to stop pretending you haven’t heard me and stop talking to her about it, as it will be shit for you to then have to say to your mum actually no you can’t live here I have to choose between you moving in and my marriage.

This is a really bad idea.

The OP would still suffer from a lack of privacy because her MIL would be able to come and go between the house and the annexe as she pleased. Unless she didn't have a key to the main house and had to make an appointment/knock on the door to come in, which doesn't sound like her DH's intention.

And then in later years if MIL needs care, the OP is lined up to do it. The fact that MIL has her own front door won't make the blindest bit of difference.

Once you've spent thousands building an annexe for someone you can't then say, "Actually, this doesn't work for me, please move out."

I worked full time with an hour commute (very little wfh then) and DH was in the forces and away. Kids were in nursery all day but there was no logistical way I could manage without APs. No family support but fortunately we were fairly well paid. Despite niggles I’d do the same again.

In-laws wreck lives. You can't have two queens on one throne.