Don’t want MIL living with us

[Justlivelovelaugheat]

I feel awful writing this. My MIL is the loveliest. I feel like the grinch. My husband really wants to move her in to help with the kids and have a closer family unit but I feel like it’ll be more of a hindrance than a help. I love my privacy. Walking around, hair looking a bit crazy, don’t have to worry about nobody judging me and my parenting skills. And above all I feel like if husband and I disagree then it won’t be 2 against 1. Has anyone ever had a successful story with any in laws moving into your gaff?

Indeed. When my close school friend was a young teenager, she had her grandma move in with them and she absolutely hated it.

@JimHalpertsWife

😂. I have to say that I'd have a lot less sex with my husband if my MIL lived with us, even if I had less tidying up!

Absolutely not.
I'm 45, different situation (one abusive parent living in another country, LC, no PiLs, no kids, reasonable husband).
However, if my circumstances, I would absolutely make this ground for divorce, and VERY happily live by myself.
Your husband can move in with his Mother and juggle his "business" and her, the crafty little bastard.

i wouldn't do it if i were you

My mil stayed with us for about 3 months due to a personal issue in her life. She's a lovely person, was super helpful, was on her best behaviour, is extremely independent.
Even now, 3 years later, I still feel tense thinking about that time

she might be able to be helpful now, but that's only going to become less so with time and you are going to have an additional person you end up responsible for.

Is he British? You will become her carer if you let her move in .

Not a chance I'd consider this and I have a huge house with an annexe .. I just don't like people in my space !

Op it would be a hard no from me.

We stayed with ILs for about 6mths between houses. And DH was travelling for work. I with baby ended up travelling with him to get out the house.

Lots of tension, over cooking, shopping, noise, washing machine, dryer, putting my baby 70s style in the garden, we managed to be polite and avoid a full blown argument. But that is partly, we were in THEIR house not a shared house and were trying to 'keep the peace'.

I think it would have been full blown arguments if it had been a shared house.

Your children are preschool picture the scene Granny moaning about toys everywhere, then in 10 years time when you have tweens / teens playing on Fortnite, gibbering with pals, lots of noise. No you can't get a electric guitar to wake up Granny.
Or a bit beyond that 18 year olds going out and coming home at daft o'clock and Granny moaning because it wasn't like that in her day. Or them waking her up.

I know that seems a lifetime away but really it's only 15 years. Childhood is very short.

Absolutely not. I wouldn’t even move in my own mother.

Why isn't your DH stepping up and doing more of the childminding or putting a reasonable arrangement in place that doesn't rely on relatives (who have a surprising habit of changing their minds when it comes to looking after little children, in comparison to someone who is being paid in a professional capacity to look after them)?

Don't allow your MiL to move in. Don't allow any relative to move in.
I'd sooner see my husband move out than a relation move in!

How much parenting and household chores does your DH do? How much does he see his mum?

Does MIL have social life of her own?

So I'd imagine that the brother here is asking your DH could he not have Mum to stay for a while and not your MiL asking her son.

I don't get how these women get to be so reliant on their adult children. I am (quietly) looking forward to the time when I don't have kids in the house and my DH has his own interests and I have mine and we can all get along merrily because we're not living under each other's feet. I could not imagine a day will come where I'm asking to stay with one of my adult children and their family. I would not ask to live with them either and would prefer if they didn't put me in a position where I would have to either accept or turn down an invitation to move in - I don't ever want that situation to arise. Ever.

My friend moved in with her MIL - sadly and unexpectedly her husband died in a car accident so my friend has had to continue living with her elderly MIL and be her carer whilst they both grieve.

Your gut says "No" - dont 'jade' your feelings/decisions (justify, argue, defend, explain) - just continue to listen to it.

@Justlivelovelaugheat is this a reverse? "now I’m ready for the snip"

Although all comments still valid, even if so

I wonder if the son she currently lives with wants her to move out and has told his sibling its your turn?

He's preempting her later life care needs & lining you up now so she'll be your 'natural' responsibility & priority. Sneaky.

As a MIL, I'd hate to live with my DC's families.
No privacy, little control over food and eating times, being forced into family time I don't enjoy and potentially having to take sides in any disagreements.
I adore them but it's an absolute no from me.
For your own sanity say NO.

There was absolutely no way I would have had my parents or my in-laws living with me 🤬
And I’ve assured my DCs that I definitely wouldn’t expect them to care for me r have me live with them when I’m unable to live at home. I’m 71 and reasonably fit at the moment.

Your life your choice!

Honestly, stick to your guns and insist she is too young, and needs her own social circle. What will she do all day when your out at work but she doesn't drive any more? The main criteria for McCarthy Stone type places is must be on a bus route!
You and your DH can support her with eg taking food shopping or to doctors etc when she can no longer.

No I would not do this. It will be unfair on you,your children and your marriage. I know a lady who has lived with elderly relatives for years. Her children are now adults and are married with their own kid's. Her husband is retired and when they should be going on holidays and enjoying life they have to take into consideration who will mind x who is in their early 90's.
X is still driving but there health is declining. The lady I know is doing all the cooking, cleaning and washing. They get very little time away from x.

I have seen several men and women I know who were in good health up till say the mid 70's and next thing they started to have health issues or were diagnosed with life limiting health issues. There adult children were trying to get there parents house changed IE put in a wet room or stair lifts, sorting out career's or steeping up to help out more so the parent/parents could stay living at home. At least when this happened they could go back to their own home and space. 2 friends of mine ended up carrying for elderly parents with either altizmers or a number of health issues and it was both physically and mentally very stressful. There lives were put on hold for a few year's until after their parent/parents death.

In your situation I would say no and I would also go back to work when your youngest child is a bit older. I have seen families where one person is expected to drop all and look after elderly parents who need help and you don't want to be to available at that stage.

Absolutely no. It is lovely that you have a good relationship with her, but I would explain to your husband that this would likely change that relationship, not to mention the change in your relationship with him.

I wouldn't want anyone moving in with us, I'd feel like I had a guest living there - even if they were helpful etc. And their helpful actually may be very different to yours and if like me, you like the way you do your thing, then it would be very annoying to have someone trying to help but just being annoying - even if they don't mean to.

I grew up in a multi-generational household and loved it. My DM, DDad, DGrandma, were all easy going and helpful to each other. It worked really well.

Edit to say we kids loved it too. A grandparent is different to a parent. I loved her and used to spend a lot of time with her.

This is a conversation I wouldn’t even entertain. I hear the phrase “No is a complete sentence” on here all the time and IT IS.

This would destroy your relationship. My grandparents lived next door to us growing up and I really feel like they played a huge factor in my parents divorce. Yes, I had a really close relationship with them but it was very much at the expense of my parents marriage. My Dad felt they were interfering (rightly so) and he always felt ganged up on. The only thing I remember them arguing about was my grandparents. My Mum told them everything. You wouldn’t be able to hide anything with her living in the house! Now they still live next door and my Mum is single with no kids and she hates it as she has no privacy. She’s constantly complaining about how they are spying on her out the window.

If my DH brought this up I would say no and refuse any other conversation about it. If he wants to move in with his mother he can feel free to move out imo.

Is you husband's brother trying to move his mum out? At 60 she should be perfectly capable of living on her own anyway. Your husband probably loves the idea of 2 women looking after him and thinks not only will he not have to lift a finger but automatically will have someone to take his side in any argument. Tell him no, it won't be happening and that's it. Don't give him any reasons or try to explain this or that, it's no because it's no, end of.