Husbands says his needs are not being met - I’m 8wpp!

[Stephanieava]

I’ll try to keep this short

I’m currently 8wpp. I had a terrible pregnancy, sickness the entire way & just all round awful. Me & my DH had zero sexual intimacy during that 9 months, plus a couple of months before (beside the obvious) when I was also pregnant but it unfortunately resulted in a loss. Got pregnant again within a month

Anyway, today my DH has sat me down for a conversation telling me his needs aren’t being met & i’m not making his feelings a priority

We had an incident at 1wpp (section) where I had been keeping a secret from him (financial) & he was very cross when I came clean. I said i’d do anything to keep him from leaving & made a joke about BJs everyday etc (god that’s so juvenile). Baring in mind I was 1wpp, & not in the best head space anyway. We had about 2 weeks where I really made an effort… and this sounds awful… it wasn’t because I wanted to, i felt i had to to keep him here. Not that he was pressuring me into it or anything, but i was trying anything to get our relationship back to normal. Which it now feels like it is

My headspace just isn’t in the place of giving sexual favours. I’m still in pain, my boobs are hurting from BF, i’m exhausted, my MH isn’t great etc etc etc

His point is that I was doing ‘bits’ for those 2 weeks, so why was it alright then but not alright now

I said i suppose i see his point, but i don’t want to feel cooerced into doing something sexual when I don’t feel like it. It’s not the first time he’s said this to me though, he also said it when i was pregnant

I suppose neither of us are being unreasonable in our stances, we’re allowed our feelings. But a part of me feels he should swallow them as I’m still only 8wpp!

How can I explain this to him in a decent way?

What a selfish t*! You've not long had a baby are breast feeding and are pretty tired over it all. Tell him his right hand is not just for lifting pints!

P.S - he is not the priority now you have a baby.

I cannot believe men like this still exist. How did you find him?

Have you ever said no in the past and been made to go along?

Tell him to fck off and leave you alone. He is repulsive.

This has got to be a joke because I’ve just read about him leaving and you giving him BJ’s to stop him. This is deranged.

What was the financial 'incident''?

Not that that's relevant, he sounds like a pig

I'm amazed by the amount of vile, sexually coercive men exist in the lives of users on mumsnet. Op, you know this is wrong. This isn't how husbands are supposed to support their wives pp.

He sounds like a controlling, coercive piece of shit

It is completely normal and totally reasonable to find sexual relations during pregnancy and pp to be a much lower frequency than "normal". You are in in no way odd or being unfair to say that you are uncomfortable, your body doesn't feel like your own and you don't want to engage sexually at this time. (Just in case you didn't know - this is NORMAL for pp women).

It is also normal for guys to feel a little sidelined at this time because the baby takes up all of the woman's attention.

What is not normal or ok is for a partner to start pressurising a pp woman into sex she doesn't want. Your H is acting like a creep. A nasty, uncaring, sexual creep.

He's an abusive cunt. Forget about pacifying him and meeting his "needs" (which are wants) and focus on getting in a position to leave him.

Show him the door.

Grim little twit.

Tell him that in some cases sex too soon after having a baby can cause an embolism which can be fatal. Dies he want to bring up DC alone?
Remind him that sex when one party doesn't want it is rape. A crime.

So what is he doing to put your feelings first?

Tell him to go fuck himself and that you are not a blow up doll.

I dont know why you think the OP is trolling. All too many women live with men like this. If they didn't we wouldn't be dealing with astronomical rates of domestic abuse in the police.

Any 'needs' that your DH has, he can meet himself. Healthy adults don't have 'needs' that require another person's intervention. Babies do.

Don't try to dig yourself out of trouble with sexual favours, you will permanently damage your mental health.

People need to stop troll hunting, especially when there's no reason to do so.

Lots of women face abuse like this after having a baby.

My stomach turned reading this.

I’m not sure if I’m afraid more that your baby is a boy and he’ll grow up thinking this is how men act, or a girl who will grow up thinking this is what men expect.

Fear ? Coercion ? Made to feel guilty ? Feeling it was the easiest way to get abusive man off her back ? Exhaustion ? Agreeing to anything that would be easier than the alternative ?

I can think of dozens of reasons a woman might give in to sexual demands if she is in a relationship with a domestic abuser.

some people on here really need to get some understanding of domestic abuse or they should stop posting on threads like this.

@Stephanieava is this your first baby/first with him ? Sadly stats tell us that domestic abuse often starts in pregnancy or after birth and you are at risk. Sexual coercion is a form of domestic abuse. I know from experience that that is hard to hear and lots of women don't want to admit that they are a victim of domestic abuse but look after yourself. You can always talk to your health visitor, they are trained to help new mums in DA relationships.

you don't have to accept this behaviour and it is not your fault

Feel like I need to have break from mumsnet. It's honestly making me LOATHE men.

Oh for gods sake. Another revolting man who in no way deserves either a wife or a child, with the woman not sure if she's unreasonable to object to rape. I'm not blaming you op, but there are huge numbers of women who have not been taught to say 'No, fuck off.'

Leave this man. He is utterly vile.

Dump him..I had an ex just like that and I left him, best thing I ever did. Wanted sex on tap when I was busy looking after children. My life is so much easier without him in it.

Ask him why he’d want you to have sex you don’t enjoy. Then silently let him squirm while he tries to come up with an answer.

I feel sick reading this because my ex was exactly the same and I reacted very similarly, trying to keep him happy. So much regret! I wish I had shamed him for being so selfish and immature.

Honestly I think whether he is being a twat or not depends on how he responded to your final point. I think it’s reasonable he is disappointed that after effectively a year of no sex (for understandable reasons) you seemed keen to be intimate again, and that he asks you why it’s changed.

It is not reasonable if he does not accept that you are only 8 weeks pp and leave it until you are ready.

It was unreasonable that you were only intimate because you wanted to make up for lying to him about a financial decision. If you felt coerced that is a massive problem. If you did it because you genuinely thought it would make him forgive you because you messed up, that’s messed up too.

How was he during your pregnancy?

i have asked him why he would want me to do something i don’t want to do. Not sex, but pleasure him. And he asked why would i not want to pleasure my partner, the person i love