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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husbands says his needs are not being met - I’m 8wpp!

370 replies

Stephanieava · 03/02/2025 14:59

I’ll try to keep this short

I’m currently 8wpp. I had a terrible pregnancy, sickness the entire way & just all round awful. Me & my DH had zero sexual intimacy during that 9 months, plus a couple of months before (beside the obvious) when I was also pregnant but it unfortunately resulted in a loss. Got pregnant again within a month

Anyway, today my DH has sat me down for a conversation telling me his needs aren’t being met & i’m not making his feelings a priority

We had an incident at 1wpp (section) where I had been keeping a secret from him (financial) & he was very cross when I came clean. I said i’d do anything to keep him from leaving & made a joke about BJs everyday etc (god that’s so juvenile). Baring in mind I was 1wpp, & not in the best head space anyway. We had about 2 weeks where I really made an effort… and this sounds awful… it wasn’t because I wanted to, i felt i had to to keep him here. Not that he was pressuring me into it or anything, but i was trying anything to get our relationship back to normal. Which it now feels like it is

My headspace just isn’t in the place of giving sexual favours. I’m still in pain, my boobs are hurting from BF, i’m exhausted, my MH isn’t great etc etc etc

His point is that I was doing ‘bits’ for those 2 weeks, so why was it alright then but not alright now

I said i suppose i see his point, but i don’t want to feel cooerced into doing something sexual when I don’t feel like it. It’s not the first time he’s said this to me though, he also said it when i was pregnant

I suppose neither of us are being unreasonable in our stances, we’re allowed our feelings. But a part of me feels he should swallow them as I’m still only 8wpp!

How can I explain this to him in a decent way?

OP posts:
Megifer · 03/02/2025 16:12

"i’ve definitely made him sound worse than he is, he’s not abusive, he is a fantastic father and husband (most of the time!)"

You've not made him sound worse, he sounds exactly what he is, an utterly vile grubby little man who is now upset he's no longer number 1 in your life. I think he's actually made my hymen spontaneously grow back.

OriginalUsername2 · 03/02/2025 16:16

I think if you look deeper, you’ll find he isn’t a great partner or dad. He has a partner in pain and a tiny baby and all he cares about is blowjobs.

He’s a massive baby. You should be livid.

He’s doing a lot of twisting things around. I’ve seen it all before.

babyproblems · 03/02/2025 16:17

I’d be telling him to pack a bag and F off to be honest. Don’t accept this. What kind of partner is he really.. he’s clearly not one at all.

SheridansPortSalut · 03/02/2025 16:17

"I felt i had to, to keep him here."

Why do you want to keep him there?
He's awful. Let him go.

MyDeftDuck · 03/02/2025 16:18

What an absolute disgraceful specimen he is! Sounds like my ex who demanded penetrative sex two days after my C section because 'I hadn't pushed a kid outta my fanny so it won't hurt'!!!! One of the reasons he is now my ex

whatistheworld · 03/02/2025 16:19

Bubblegumtatoos · 03/02/2025 15:07

I cannot believe men like this still exist. How did you find him?

Have you ever said no in the past and been made to go along?

Tell him to fck off and leave you alone. He is repulsive.

This has got to be a joke because I’ve just read about him leaving and you giving him BJ’s to stop him. This is deranged.

Edited

of course they are! They are also all over social media expressing their misogyny and their love for Farage. They think they are a knight with a flag on their backs, protecting us women! who are they protecting us from? men like them!!!

IsThePopeCatholic · 03/02/2025 16:20

Revolting specimen. He’s treating you like shit, op.

Twaddlepip · 03/02/2025 16:22

Oh my god.

What the fuck is wrong with the utterly despicable men I read about on here?

ThatEllie · 03/02/2025 16:22

Did he refuse to support you financially during pregnancy when you were so ill that you couldn’t work? If so then he is financially abusive as well and responsible for you having to go into debt. It couldn’t have been that much of a surprise to him, which means he was deliberately using it as a stick to beat you with. One week postpartum and he’s threatening to leave? Absolutely not. He’s a manipulative scumbag.

It’s obnoxious that he keeps saying that you can’t see his perspective when he is the one with zero ability to comprehend that you are your own person that doesn’t exist for his gratification. Don’t let him keep turning things back on you, that’s another abusive tactic. In fact, stop trying. He’s not going to comprehend that he is wrong because he is incapable of understanding or caring about anyone’s needs or wants but his own. He’s clearly not thinking or caring about his child at all.

Can you go stay with your parents for a while?

BryceQuinlan · 03/02/2025 16:24

In all seriousness, this would have been the end of my marriage/relationship. The utter selfishness is appalling and I wouldn't be able to get past it. Really disgusting behaviour

MsPavlichenko · 03/02/2025 16:25

Stephanieava · 03/02/2025 15:51

I’ve just tried to approach the subject again

the financial incident was that i built up debts that he didnt know about on credit cards (in my sole name) whilst i was unable to work during pregnancy. They had gotten to the stage of me not being able to pay them anymore. Anyway, that side of things is sorted now

I said to him (& i think its wound him up more) that during the 2 weeks or however long it was, i was in a desperate head space and would have done anything to make our relationship normal. I didn’t enjoy it or want to do it

he’s not responded well. He said that was gross to hear and also unkind. Gross for him to think that i was pleasuring him but not enjoying it - makes him feel like he was forcing me. Which he wasn’t, it was me offering it. Unkind because i basically ‘pulled that out of the bag’ as a weapon to keep him but then took it away now i feel our relationship is normal. He said it was like dangling the carrot and then taking it away and is confused how i can’t see his point of view. I can to a degree but i also can’t understand how he doesn’t see mine

His end point is why would i not want to be pleasing my partner when it would make him happy. I said it doesn’t even cross my mind and again to him that’s what upsets him, that im not even thinking about it

I don’t really know where to go from here

i’ve definitely made him sound worse than he is, he’s not abusive, he is a fantastic father and husband (most of the time!). But does get moody from time to time i must admit

Moodiness can be a sign of abuse as is coercion ( which is what he is doing here re asking you for blow jobs ). Abuse often starts in pregnancy, or after children arrive.

Glittertwins · 03/02/2025 16:26

He's a disgusting excuse of a human being.

Teenyweenytinytrees · 03/02/2025 16:26

Gross. I literally can't with these stories on Mumsnet. OP please open your eyes, have a bit of self respect and tell him to leave you alone, or just leave.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 03/02/2025 16:27

I'm not going to comment on the sex issues only the finances. How dare he guilt you over credit cards, he should have been financially supporting you!!!!!!
What a fucking prick. Speak to family and get some proper advice

ThisFluentBiscuit · 03/02/2025 16:28

Awwww, hugs to you, OP. This sounds tough. I'm not surprised you don't want sex at 8wpp. I guess I can see how he'd be a little frustrated after over a year with not much intimacy, but he needs to be more understanding about the absolute sea-change you've gone through in that time. It's not like there was no reason for the lack of intimacy! Maybe you could sit him down and explain how exhausted you are and how depleting the last 14 months or so have been for you and your body, with a miscarriage and then a pregnancy and C-section. And that your MH has suffered. I think you're just going to have to tell him that you've been through a life-changing experience and that you need more time. And more non-sexual cuddles, it sounds like. He should be maintaining emotional intimacy by supporting you and being understanding. He has no problem advocating for his needs, so you do the same! Tell him what YOU need.

OriginalUsername2 · 03/02/2025 16:28

MsPavlichenko · 03/02/2025 16:25

Moodiness can be a sign of abuse as is coercion ( which is what he is doing here re asking you for blow jobs ). Abuse often starts in pregnancy, or after children arrive.

Show quote history

This. The mood is unbearable so you do what he wants. The mood becomes a tool.

thestudio · 03/02/2025 16:29

We're all entitled to feelings.

We're not entitled to act on them - or to make others do so.

Guiltypleasures001 · 03/02/2025 16:31

Phone his mum up tell her what he said, see what she says

AnonymousBleep · 03/02/2025 16:32

He thinks you owe him sex. You don't. You've just had a baby, you're knackered and your body isn't back to normal and you don't feel like it. Any half-decent guy wouldn't be ignoring your needs for sleep and for your body to heal in order to get a shag. Grim.

He's a misogynistic prick. Sorry, but he is.

AnonymousBleep · 03/02/2025 16:34

Teenyweenytinytrees · 03/02/2025 16:26

Gross. I literally can't with these stories on Mumsnet. OP please open your eyes, have a bit of self respect and tell him to leave you alone, or just leave.

There's so many of them! So many absolutely dire men out there. I think my vagina might be permanently retracting into my body as a result of reading them all!

muggart · 03/02/2025 16:34

What a shithead, why didn't he step up financially when you were pregnant?? the baby is his responsibility too.

I feel genuinely angry reading this.

Anothermathstutor · 03/02/2025 16:34

You’re wrong OP, he’s 100% BU!

RatedDoingMagic · 03/02/2025 16:35

This miserable excuse for a human being is not a worthwhile partner or father so what is the point of him exactly?

Anothermathstutor · 03/02/2025 16:36

I’m 6m pp. My DH is a bit of an idiot but if I’d said I’d give him BJs to stop him being mad at me at 1wpp, he’d have said no. He’d know I was sleep deprived, in pain, mentally unwell, this is an easy way to PND OP, please be careful. He is forcing you in a way.

RaveToTheGrave1 · 03/02/2025 16:37

I want to batter this man with a shovel, no he isn't a bloody priority right now the absolute child