Husbands says his needs are not being met - I’m 8wpp!

[Stephanieava]

I’ll try to keep this short

I’m currently 8wpp. I had a terrible pregnancy, sickness the entire way & just all round awful. Me & my DH had zero sexual intimacy during that 9 months, plus a couple of months before (beside the obvious) when I was also pregnant but it unfortunately resulted in a loss. Got pregnant again within a month

Anyway, today my DH has sat me down for a conversation telling me his needs aren’t being met & i’m not making his feelings a priority

We had an incident at 1wpp (section) where I had been keeping a secret from him (financial) & he was very cross when I came clean. I said i’d do anything to keep him from leaving & made a joke about BJs everyday etc (god that’s so juvenile). Baring in mind I was 1wpp, & not in the best head space anyway. We had about 2 weeks where I really made an effort… and this sounds awful… it wasn’t because I wanted to, i felt i had to to keep him here. Not that he was pressuring me into it or anything, but i was trying anything to get our relationship back to normal. Which it now feels like it is

My headspace just isn’t in the place of giving sexual favours. I’m still in pain, my boobs are hurting from BF, i’m exhausted, my MH isn’t great etc etc etc

His point is that I was doing ‘bits’ for those 2 weeks, so why was it alright then but not alright now

I said i suppose i see his point, but i don’t want to feel cooerced into doing something sexual when I don’t feel like it. It’s not the first time he’s said this to me though, he also said it when i was pregnant

I suppose neither of us are being unreasonable in our stances, we’re allowed our feelings. But a part of me feels he should swallow them as I’m still only 8wpp!

How can I explain this to him in a decent way?

OP I am so horrified I can't even vote, nothing about this is OK. Wouldn't your life be better without him in it?

Oh god this made me feel quite sick

OP, you don’t need to be meeting any “needs” of his.

Whatever the financial thing was, it wouldn’t be possible for it to be as bad as pressuring a recently pp woman for sexual “favours”. Even theft wouldn’t be as bad as his behaviour!

I’d be making moves to get away from his asap. Anyone this disgusting isn’t someone I would want my child growing up around.

He’s not answering your question. Surely he’s not daft enough to not realise why pleasuring the person you love is not your number one priority when you’ve just had a baby. I am now 100% sure YANBU regardless of the difficulties of living in a sexless relationship when you don’t want to. Is he catering to your every need pp?

He's absolutely vile op.

And he means wants, not needs.

Personally I was gagging for it at 8 weeks pp, but I appreciate that everyone is different.

However, my husband would never want me to give him a BJ or otherwise "meet his needs" if I wasn't enjoying it myself or he thought I was only doing it out of some kind of obligation.

Please show him this thread and help him to realise how unreasonable he is. You aren't a machine. Perhaps show him some pictures of birth injuries. Most men don't have a clue.

I was sexually active during pregnancy, but it was 6 months before we dtd after ds arrived. That is not unusual. It takes time to heal, and it has to be right for you too.

I don't really think there's any point in the op doing that.
her DH knows she's had a miscarriage then another pregnancy in quick succession, he knows she's had a section and is breastfeeding. He knows she has just made a whole new human that she is trying keep alive. He knows she's knackered because he lives with her.

he still thinks his sexual "wishes" must be fulfilled as a priority over everything else.

he's not interested in her point of view and I doubt he would give a shit what people said on Mumsnet.

Pls show him this comment.

Because your wife is IN PAIN and EXHAUSTED from carrying, birthing and feeding the EIGHT WEEK OLD baby who is COMPLETELY dependent on her and her body, and until that pain and exhaustion and dependency wanes it's up to YOU to do the heavy lifting when it comes to partner-pleasing. So get over yourself, have a wank, and then try being a fucking MAN and a PARTNER rather than a whiny little arsehole who can't get his leg over.

Sorry op but he's being abusive to think that he can override your feelings in these circumstances. Do you have family you can talk to. What he is doing is not right.

What a dickhead (sorry I think I voted wrongly, I wasn’t sure which was which). But yes he’s a horrible selfish arsehole. I’m sorry. Most men understand, this one sounds like a 15yr old.

This would end the relationship for me.

After my last DC I had medical problems. My husband went two years without. He didn’t complain once and I do not believe he cheated (no time). He didn’t nag, complain, or threaten to leave.

This is an issue with your husband. He’s a dick.

Before six weeks pp sexual activity is not recommended. Is he so lacking in self-control, respect for you, or even self-respect to be discussing his 'needs' just now?
He could do his own BJ (vacuum cleaner?) - or use his right (or left?) hand to help himself out but a man who did either of these (or watched porn etc) would certainly lose my respect.
Bad husband, bad father.

He doesn't have 'Needs' he has 'Wants'.

You have 'Needs' because an entire human is reliant on your body for nourishment.

Your husband sounds awful and should be putting you and his child first. He is not a good husband and he is not a good dad.

"Not that he was pressuring me into it or anything"
He absolutely is pressurizing you.

His feelings aren't a priority. Your newborn's needs are a priority, and your needs. He does not bloody 'need' a BJ every day from his exhausted pp wife. And why doesn't he want to be a decent human being to the perosn he's supposed to love?

Exactly this! Well written!

Anyway, today my DH has sat me down for a conversation telling me his needs aren’t being met & i’m not making his feelings a priority.

But he is not the priority. He needs to understand that.
The baby is the priority.
The baby should also be his top priority now that he is a father.

If he won't accept not being your priority, LTB.

He's a sex pest. I wouldn't be in a relationship with him, he sounds awful.

He also doesn't have needs, they are wants.

It's sexual coercion. Unfortunately you weren't honest and hid a financial issue so he is now punishing you and coercing you into performing sex acts.

Sadly it won't get any better.

Ask him why he would want to coerce someone he loves, someone who is still physically unwell, into pleasuring him.

Sex pest.!!!

I bet the financial issue that he's punishing you for was something like using your credit card to buy the baby a pram, or something..

Yes, saying he will leave if he doens't get a BJ per day absolutely is pressuring you.

If you were lying to your spouse about finances (when about to have a new baby so it affects you both) then your marriage was already in trouble. You do not lie about finances. That is a red line which totally erodes trust, yet you did it. That’s not a solid marriage.

Then, your husband uses that to force you into sexual favours when you’ve just given birth, your body is healing, you’re exhausted with a new baby, you’re breastfeeding and probably feel pretty awful a lot of the time. Yet, he doesn’t care about your needs or the baby’s needs or what that’s doing to you. He only cares about his sexual needs being met, even if it means forcing or coercing or guilting you into it, when he knows you don’t want to. Does he need to see you crying whilst you suck him off before he’ll stop forcing you? It’s disgusting. He is disgusting. And this is another sign that your marriage is not a good marriage. You don’t force your PP wife into doing that. But he thinks it’s ok? No. This is a failing marriage and a pretty selfish, disgusting man.

You lied about finances. Right. That’s bad. But that does not equate to you having to give him sex in any form just because he demands it when you don’t want to. You do not owe him that. You don’t deserve to be abused.
You also don’t owe it just because you’re married or you love him or whatever reason he says you do. Marriages are meant to be a team and when one is struggling (which you do after having a baby) the other is meant to lift you up, not force you into sex.

You need couple therapy or you need to end the marriage. Lying and sexual abuse is not a good marriage.

Your husband is a coercive rapist.

His "needs" aren't real needs. He won't die without sex. He wants to use your body with no consideration for your physical and mental health.

You could get an infection that could affect your health for the rest of your life or others severe complications.

Why don't you want to pleasure him? Because you are still recovering from giving birth and your body needs time to heal properly, not be used as his fleshlight. Because your body is exhausted in adjusting to the physical demands of breastfeeding and sleep deprivation. Because you're a human being, not a sexbot.