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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husbands says his needs are not being met - I’m 8wpp!

370 replies

Stephanieava · 03/02/2025 14:59

I’ll try to keep this short

I’m currently 8wpp. I had a terrible pregnancy, sickness the entire way & just all round awful. Me & my DH had zero sexual intimacy during that 9 months, plus a couple of months before (beside the obvious) when I was also pregnant but it unfortunately resulted in a loss. Got pregnant again within a month

Anyway, today my DH has sat me down for a conversation telling me his needs aren’t being met & i’m not making his feelings a priority

We had an incident at 1wpp (section) where I had been keeping a secret from him (financial) & he was very cross when I came clean. I said i’d do anything to keep him from leaving & made a joke about BJs everyday etc (god that’s so juvenile). Baring in mind I was 1wpp, & not in the best head space anyway. We had about 2 weeks where I really made an effort… and this sounds awful… it wasn’t because I wanted to, i felt i had to to keep him here. Not that he was pressuring me into it or anything, but i was trying anything to get our relationship back to normal. Which it now feels like it is

My headspace just isn’t in the place of giving sexual favours. I’m still in pain, my boobs are hurting from BF, i’m exhausted, my MH isn’t great etc etc etc

His point is that I was doing ‘bits’ for those 2 weeks, so why was it alright then but not alright now

I said i suppose i see his point, but i don’t want to feel cooerced into doing something sexual when I don’t feel like it. It’s not the first time he’s said this to me though, he also said it when i was pregnant

I suppose neither of us are being unreasonable in our stances, we’re allowed our feelings. But a part of me feels he should swallow them as I’m still only 8wpp!

How can I explain this to him in a decent way?

OP posts:
heyhopotato · 03/02/2025 16:37

This sounds like one of the most toxic relationships I've ever read about on here.

You don't sound like a good match at all, and I feel really sorry for the baby in the middle.

ChristmasPudd1990 · 03/02/2025 16:39

And he's basically treating you like a prostitute because you owe him money. Gross...

Maria1982 · 03/02/2025 16:39

SpringleDingle · 03/02/2025 15:11

It is completely normal and totally reasonable to find sexual relations during pregnancy and pp to be a much lower frequency than "normal". You are in in no way odd or being unfair to say that you are uncomfortable, your body doesn't feel like your own and you don't want to engage sexually at this time. (Just in case you didn't know - this is NORMAL for pp women).

It is also normal for guys to feel a little sidelined at this time because the baby takes up all of the woman's attention.

What is not normal or ok is for a partner to start pressurising a pp woman into sex she doesn't want. Your H is acting like a creep. A nasty, uncaring, sexual creep.

This ! Written better than I could say it.

MLMsuperfan · 03/02/2025 16:39

There's nothing less sexy than sex with someone who isn't into it. If a partner has a lower libido then pressuring them about it is guaranteed to make the problem worse.

notacooldad · 03/02/2025 16:40

Good grief op , your dh is nasty.
After I had a baby me and dh would have a cuddle, he would bring me brews and chocolate and look after the baby so I could nap.
Sex wasn't brought up until I felt ready for it. There was no pressure.
Your dh should be treating you as if you are the most amazing person in the world and not like a hoe.
Absolutely dreadful, I'm sorry he is like this towards you.
How would he react if you said enough is enough and that you need time to recover and you that need to treated with kindness and respect.

JustMyView13 · 03/02/2025 16:40

Leave DH to breastfeed your newborn with his useless nipples for a few night shifts, and let’s see if he’s thinking about getting his end away quite so often.

MirrorMirror00 · 03/02/2025 16:42

A fantastic husband doesn't pressure his postpartum wife into sexual activity.

sociallydistained · 03/02/2025 16:43

The thread title alone gives me chills of the bad kind. This makes me so so angry (and upset for you OP). This man is awful and I'm so sorry.

lifeonmars100 · 03/02/2025 16:48

I wish that men could give birth, they would be in a wheel chair for at least 6 months afterwards and undergoing counselling to help them cope with all the physical and emotional changes. And of course the human race would die out!

Naunet · 03/02/2025 16:49

Sorry but why the fuck does he think his penis needs to be prioritised above you and a new born right now? How does he prioritise you? Why can't he just have a wank and stop harassing you if he loves you?
He's an entitled prick.

outerspacepotato · 03/02/2025 16:49

Good husbands don't tell their wives their "needs" aren't being met 8 weeks post partum.

Good fathers don't complain that their feelings aren't prioritized 8 weeks post partum.

You are married to a selfish waste product. You are keeping your baby alive.

Namechange305050 · 03/02/2025 16:57

Blueberrymuffin8 · 03/02/2025 15:17

Feel like I need to have break from mumsnet. It's honestly making me LOATHE men.

This. I've been here on and off for 10+ years and am shocked every day by the stuff I read on here of women having to put up with vile, abusive behaviour from men. It's all too believable though unfortunately as I know many women dealing with shit like this in real life.

Many men are extremely entitled and see women as commodities there only to fulfil their needs.

PaperbackWrighter · 03/02/2025 17:01

PhyllisWallet · 03/02/2025 15:52

Twat, creep, cunt, selfish, repulsive, deranged, pig, vile, coercive, revolting, rapist, grim, twit, nasty, uncaring, abusive, controlling, disgusting, arsehole, dick, horrible.

Really excelling yourselves today ladies 😳

ETA Nob (sp).

Edited

And that's what you wanted to say about this really despicable situation OP's DH is putting her in?

PassingStranger · 03/02/2025 17:02

Stephanieava · 03/02/2025 14:59

I’ll try to keep this short

I’m currently 8wpp. I had a terrible pregnancy, sickness the entire way & just all round awful. Me & my DH had zero sexual intimacy during that 9 months, plus a couple of months before (beside the obvious) when I was also pregnant but it unfortunately resulted in a loss. Got pregnant again within a month

Anyway, today my DH has sat me down for a conversation telling me his needs aren’t being met & i’m not making his feelings a priority

We had an incident at 1wpp (section) where I had been keeping a secret from him (financial) & he was very cross when I came clean. I said i’d do anything to keep him from leaving & made a joke about BJs everyday etc (god that’s so juvenile). Baring in mind I was 1wpp, & not in the best head space anyway. We had about 2 weeks where I really made an effort… and this sounds awful… it wasn’t because I wanted to, i felt i had to to keep him here. Not that he was pressuring me into it or anything, but i was trying anything to get our relationship back to normal. Which it now feels like it is

My headspace just isn’t in the place of giving sexual favours. I’m still in pain, my boobs are hurting from BF, i’m exhausted, my MH isn’t great etc etc etc

His point is that I was doing ‘bits’ for those 2 weeks, so why was it alright then but not alright now

I said i suppose i see his point, but i don’t want to feel cooerced into doing something sexual when I don’t feel like it. It’s not the first time he’s said this to me though, he also said it when i was pregnant

I suppose neither of us are being unreasonable in our stances, we’re allowed our feelings. But a part of me feels he should swallow them as I’m still only 8wpp!

How can I explain this to him in a decent way?

Awww diddums, this man child's needs aren't bring met. Get put the violins..

I can't think of anything so unimportant on the world right now.

DowntonNabby · 03/02/2025 17:04

He's treating you no better than a common prostitute by accepting sexual favours in return for forgetting about your debt. Let's be real – you didn't offer because you wanted to, you offered because you felt you needed to pay him back for your financial mistake. A decent husband/partner would've been horrified at the suggestion straightaway, not reaching for his bloody fly! I know you've just had his baby but it would seriously have me heading for the door.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 03/02/2025 17:05

He’s being selfish.

When you become a parent, your priority is the baby and sometimes meeting the baby’s needs takes up all of your time and energy. Especially in the early days, with broken sleep and cluster feeding, recovering from pregnancy and allowing your body and hormones time to adjust.

of course, consider his needs and feelings. But not over those of you and your baby.

Cherrysoup · 03/02/2025 17:07

He’s asking why you don’t want to pleasure him? Because it’s doing fuck all for you and I bet you’re uncomfortable, knackered and at the end of your tether! He’s a fucking idiot. You have an 8 week old. Swap to formula and let him crack on with the night feeds. Every night.

Hwi · 03/02/2025 17:07

He is vile

DazzlingCuckoos · 03/02/2025 17:09

"His end point is why would i not want to be pleasing my partner when it would make him happy."

Because his dick doesn't come before your baby's wellbeing or your physical and mental wellbeing. Tell him to go and get 3 hours sleep a night for 8 weeks, run a marathon then get kicked in the balls and see if he'd still want to "pleasure" you!

He has no realisation that he is no longer top of your priority list.

Is he still a horny 15 year old, because he's acting like one!

Thedogscollar · 03/02/2025 17:10

takealettermsjones · 03/02/2025 15:32

Pls show him this comment.

Because your wife is IN PAIN and EXHAUSTED from carrying, birthing and feeding the EIGHT WEEK OLD baby who is COMPLETELY dependent on her and her body, and until that pain and exhaustion and dependency wanes it's up to YOU to do the heavy lifting when it comes to partner-pleasing. So get over yourself, have a wank, and then try being a fucking MAN and a PARTNER rather than a whiny little arsehole who can't get his leg over.

Show quote history

Absolutely show him this. This is exactly what you need to say. Some men are so bloody pathetic and selfish. It is horrendous that you actually have to pander to this shit.

DazzlingCuckoos · 03/02/2025 17:11

Namechange305050 · 03/02/2025 16:57

This. I've been here on and off for 10+ years and am shocked every day by the stuff I read on here of women having to put up with vile, abusive behaviour from men. It's all too believable though unfortunately as I know many women dealing with shit like this in real life.

Many men are extremely entitled and see women as commodities there only to fulfil their needs.

Show quote history

Yup - I bet OP's H thinks Kanye's wife's "outfit" was brilliant too.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 03/02/2025 17:12

I remember bickering with DH after DC1 was born because he felt I wasn’t paying him as much attention. Not regarding sex but just more focused on baby instead of what he was saying etc.

I had to remind him that the baby was 100% dependent on us to meet all of its needs and that I am literally biologically programmed to respond to it. Whereas he is an independent adult who can meet his own needs when necessary.

I think it’s just a shock to the system and they need reminding that they’re not your only priority. But pressure for sex is awful and I’m thankful that DH never did that.

HolyPeaches · 03/02/2025 17:13

Stephanieava · 03/02/2025 15:22

i have asked him why he would want me to do something i don’t want to do. Not sex, but pleasure him. And he asked why would i not want to pleasure my partner, the person i love

He is a slimy, coercive, abusive piece of shit.

I’m so sorry he’s treating you like this when you’re at your most vulnerable.

If it were me, I would no longer want to be a in a relationship with this man.

Mischance · 03/02/2025 17:15

Oh just bin him --- there are so many threads like this on this site and it beggars belief that women put up with it. Send him on his way. You can argue yourself round in circles but will never get him to give it a rest.

Jerabilis · 03/02/2025 17:16

Stephanieava · 03/02/2025 15:51

I’ve just tried to approach the subject again

the financial incident was that i built up debts that he didnt know about on credit cards (in my sole name) whilst i was unable to work during pregnancy. They had gotten to the stage of me not being able to pay them anymore. Anyway, that side of things is sorted now

I said to him (& i think its wound him up more) that during the 2 weeks or however long it was, i was in a desperate head space and would have done anything to make our relationship normal. I didn’t enjoy it or want to do it

he’s not responded well. He said that was gross to hear and also unkind. Gross for him to think that i was pleasuring him but not enjoying it - makes him feel like he was forcing me. Which he wasn’t, it was me offering it. Unkind because i basically ‘pulled that out of the bag’ as a weapon to keep him but then took it away now i feel our relationship is normal. He said it was like dangling the carrot and then taking it away and is confused how i can’t see his point of view. I can to a degree but i also can’t understand how he doesn’t see mine

His end point is why would i not want to be pleasing my partner when it would make him happy. I said it doesn’t even cross my mind and again to him that’s what upsets him, that im not even thinking about it

I don’t really know where to go from here

i’ve definitely made him sound worse than he is, he’s not abusive, he is a fantastic father and husband (most of the time!). But does get moody from time to time i must admit

Simple question - why does he not want to "pleasure my partner, the person I love" by not pressing her for sex she doesn't want? Why is he not listening to your needs but prioritising his own?

He's absolutely gross and I'm sorry you're having to deal with him