Page 15 | Husbands says his needs are not being met - I’m 8wpp!

Stephanieava · 2025-02-03T14:59:49+00:00

I’ll try to keep this short I’m currently 8wpp. I had a terrible pregnancy, sickness the entire way & just all round awful. Me & my DH had zero sexual intimacy during that 9 months, plus a couple of months before (beside the obvious) when I was also pregnant but it unfortunately resulted in a loss. Got pregnant again within a month Anyway, today my DH has sat me down for a conversation telling me his needs aren’t being met & i’m not making his feelings a priority We had an incident at 1wpp (section) where I had been keeping a secret from him (financial) & he was very cross when I came clean. I said i’d do anything to keep him from leaving & made a joke about BJs everyday etc (god that’s so juvenile). Baring in mind I was 1wpp, & not in the best head space anyway. We had about 2 weeks where I really made an effort… and this sounds awful… it wasn’t because I wanted to, i felt i had to to keep him here. Not that he was pressuring me into it or anything, but i was trying anything to get our relationship back to normal. Which it now feels like it is My headspace just isn’t in the place of giving sexual favours. I’m still in pain, my boobs are hurting from BF, i’m exhausted, my MH isn’t great etc etc etc His point is that I was doing ‘bits’ for those 2 weeks, so why was it alright then but not alright now I said i suppose i see his point, but i don’t want to feel cooerced into doing something sexual when I don’t feel like it. It’s not the first time he’s said this to me though, he also said it when i was pregnant I suppose neither of us are being unreasonable in our stances, we’re allowed our feelings. But a part of me feels he should swallow them as I’m still only 8wpp! How can I explain this to him in a decent way?

arethereanyleftatall · 06/02/2025 08:04

Your updates just make it sadder op. Every time. It seems you genuinely don't realise you're supposed to be equal. Sex should be mutually enjoyable. And equal. It isn't something you owe him.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 06/02/2025 08:16

Oh OP, I'm glad you're feeling better about it, but I think you're going to continue having problems with him in the future, and you'll just continue to minimise his behaviour. I hope that he has genuinely realised he was abusive and change his ways - for your sake and your children's sake.

Joker01 · 06/02/2025 09:54

OP your update hasn’t filled many of us with hope that you actually do have a happy marriage.

Please remember that your marriage and how your husband treats you demonstrates to your children how they should treat others and how they deserve to be treated. Would you want your children to be in a position where they feel they have to provide sexual favours to their partner just to keep them? Where their partner has been arsey because they’re refusing sex and sexual favours? Even though they only had a baby within the last couple of months?

This does not sound like a stable marriage where finances are not discussed and sex is a commodity.

Anonforthis58 · 06/02/2025 10:44

Oh OP I feel for you, I really do. Your update is still showing your dh to be awful I’m afraid. I’m sorry you can’t see this.

ACynicalDad · 06/02/2025 11:06

What an awful excuse for a human

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 06/02/2025 11:28

Well @Stephanieava , if you're happy with your relationship then great. That's what we all want for everyone isn't it.
Just make sure you speak up for yourself when needed.

HolyPeaches · 06/02/2025 12:34

@Stephanieava he also isn’t pressuring me into intercourse, he was meaning that i’m not pleasuring him by hand or mouth

This is still ABUSIVE!!!!!!!!!!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/02/2025 13:39

OP. I am glad that you have talked it through and made him see that his behaviour was not ok and that things are calmer, which will make things easier with a small baby and toddler.
It is concerning tho.. and I do think you should discuss this in real life with a qualified person, when you say things like.
"He didn’t force me into doing things, it was me who said i’d do it & initiated things to keep him sweet."

Doing things you are not keen on because it "keeps him Sweet" is actually him forcing you.
It implies fear or worry about what happens when he isn't kept sweet. You mention previously about getting him to stay. Is that one of the consequences? that he will walk? Again, that is pressurising you. Yet you are taking full responsibility for this. Every time. Maintaining that it wasn't his fault. You don't seem to see his part in this.

"I was financially irresponsible & very much in a ‘deal with that later’ head space after my miscarriage. I couldn’t work much but still needed money to live."

You were still suffering a miscarriage and didn't have the funds to pay for living expenses. And here you blame yourself again! There are TWO of you in this household. You needed money to live and OK he pays some bills, but when you are short of funds due to pregnancy and miscarriage - a normal person doesn't "forget" its going on. They pick up the slack. They realise that you are not all there (no fault of your own) They realise that you may not be earning as much.

In a functioning partnership, you don't get one person saying "I can't afford to live" because their partner supports them, or helps them find a way to deal with it. They don't just not bother to think about it and let them get on with it, and then get angry when the inevitable happens.
Why do you assume all the guilt for this yourself? Again, can't you see that he had a part to play in this?
I'm glad you've sorted the debt out now but it is concerning that you taken on full responsibility. Is this one of the areas where you feel the need to "keep him sweet"?

It is good that you are communicating and starting to stand up for yourself. But it seems that all the blame is falling on you and you are accepting it, when it's 50/50 at the very least, which is why I think you need an outside person in RL to talk to. Wishing you all the best with your lovely DC x

MsPavlichenko · 06/02/2025 15:52

Stephanieava · 05/02/2025 22:14

I really do appreciate the support, thank you guys. I really have painted him in a worse light though & not sure how to rectify it.

He really isn’t a bad person. We have been together 15 years now. He has always been a very hands on Dad, with our eldest and now with our newborn. The only thing he doesn’t get involved in is the night feeds as that’s when i exclusively breastfeed. When I pump during the day he is bottle feeding baby. He also keeps on top of the house, we split chores. I cook, he cleans etc

I will admit, sex has been a sticking point throughout the years of our relationship. There was about a year where I wasn’t very interested. Then there was about a year where he wasn’t really interested. Our libidos have never really matched up, aside from the first 5-6 years of us being together. Then it was on & off for both of us. Then after our eldest was born, we both got our mojo back. It’s dipped again since last year & all that happened. He also did bring up the lack of intimacy during this pregnancy, which wasn’t appreciated & was swiftly rebuffed. We had a few days of him being arsey but that is what it is. It’s not my favourite trait of his, but he has never once physically forced me into anything, he has just sometimes got in a mood because he’s sexually frustrated

We’d had a bad argument when i posted the original comment. We’ve since spoken & he’s acknowledged- although this was also a long conversation & it made me pissed that I had to explain to him how unfair he was being & that he didn’t come to the realisation himself. He was still being off with me until he said ‘look i don’t want you to be upset’ & i said well im sorry but that’s not good enough & talked him through what most have said on here. He used words in the original conversation like telling me I was snide, unkind, manipulative…. Which he has since apologised for & i told him I would not stand for

In regards to the financial situation, i take full responsibility for that. That’s not on him. He was paying the majority of the bills. I was financially irresponsible & very much in a ‘deal with that later’ head space after my miscarriage. I couldn’t work much but still needed money to live. My Husbands wages wouldnt have covered everything

The other thing is the accepting the sexual favours so soon after me giving birth. I have thought about this in the way some of you have talked about & it does actually make me feel icky. I was extremely vulnerable & the more i think about him accepting it it makes me feel not very good. He didn’t force me into doing things, it was me who said i’d do it & initiated things to keep him sweet. as i say he did mention about the lack of intimacy during pregnancy too, so i thought if i changed that, he’d have more of a reason to stay. Thats on me, not him

We’re doing ok now, i have made it clear i have no interest in being sexual at the moment, especially after this, & he seems to have accepted it

thanks all x

It’s not about him being a good or a bad person. It’s about his behaviour. Which is abusive regardless of how much he does domestically. Otherwise he would not behaved the way he did

2025willbemytime · 06/02/2025 17:25

A good person doesn't control his partner.

Diddlyumptious · 06/02/2025 17:51

Stephanieava · 03/02/2025 15:22

i have asked him why he would want me to do something i don’t want to do. Not sex, but pleasure him. And he asked why would i not want to pleasure my partner, the person i love

My DH has said the same over 30 years, wished I'd had the strength to leave years ago. Leave and dont look back it won't get better.

ChonkyRabbit · 06/02/2025 17:59

Bumblebeestiltskin · 06/02/2025 08:16

Oh OP, I'm glad you're feeling better about it, but I think you're going to continue having problems with him in the future, and you'll just continue to minimise his behaviour. I hope that he has genuinely realised he was abusive and change his ways - for your sake and your children's sake.

I have hope. Most abuse victims don't accept it right away and say the same things as the OP - I made him sound bad, he's a great dad, he's really good in other areas. But the seed is sown and it will get harder and harder for her to ignore over time.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/02/2025 18:03

Can you leave now @Diddlyumptious ?

CestLaVie123 · 06/02/2025 19:14

The more I read your posts OP, the more I despise your selfish misogynistic scumbag of a husband. His mindset is just vile. When you were so soon out of childbirth, with a new baby to keep alive, your hormones all over the place and trauma to deal with - and all he cares about is you sexually servicing his penis. Absolutely sickening. I really hope you leave him.

Nationsss · 06/02/2025 19:23

God help you OP, he's a very ugly little man.

However you try and spin it, coercive sexual force was put upon you, a newly pp mother.

God love you.
Remember Women's aid is for women just like you.
Mind yourself.

Isthisit22 · 06/02/2025 20:04

Yeah, he was happy for you to service him like some kind of sex worker to pay off your debts. He’s only begrudgingly agreed not to coerce you anymore and hasn’t felt bad about what he’s done. It’s just a matter of time before he starts trying to use your body again as deep down he’s a misogynist pig.

mathanxiety · 06/02/2025 23:23

Stephanieava · 05/02/2025 22:14

I really do appreciate the support, thank you guys. I really have painted him in a worse light though & not sure how to rectify it.

He really isn’t a bad person. We have been together 15 years now. He has always been a very hands on Dad, with our eldest and now with our newborn. The only thing he doesn’t get involved in is the night feeds as that’s when i exclusively breastfeed. When I pump during the day he is bottle feeding baby. He also keeps on top of the house, we split chores. I cook, he cleans etc

I will admit, sex has been a sticking point throughout the years of our relationship. There was about a year where I wasn’t very interested. Then there was about a year where he wasn’t really interested. Our libidos have never really matched up, aside from the first 5-6 years of us being together. Then it was on & off for both of us. Then after our eldest was born, we both got our mojo back. It’s dipped again since last year & all that happened. He also did bring up the lack of intimacy during this pregnancy, which wasn’t appreciated & was swiftly rebuffed. We had a few days of him being arsey but that is what it is. It’s not my favourite trait of his, but he has never once physically forced me into anything, he has just sometimes got in a mood because he’s sexually frustrated

We’d had a bad argument when i posted the original comment. We’ve since spoken & he’s acknowledged- although this was also a long conversation & it made me pissed that I had to explain to him how unfair he was being & that he didn’t come to the realisation himself. He was still being off with me until he said ‘look i don’t want you to be upset’ & i said well im sorry but that’s not good enough & talked him through what most have said on here. He used words in the original conversation like telling me I was snide, unkind, manipulative…. Which he has since apologised for & i told him I would not stand for

In regards to the financial situation, i take full responsibility for that. That’s not on him. He was paying the majority of the bills. I was financially irresponsible & very much in a ‘deal with that later’ head space after my miscarriage. I couldn’t work much but still needed money to live. My Husbands wages wouldnt have covered everything

The other thing is the accepting the sexual favours so soon after me giving birth. I have thought about this in the way some of you have talked about & it does actually make me feel icky. I was extremely vulnerable & the more i think about him accepting it it makes me feel not very good. He didn’t force me into doing things, it was me who said i’d do it & initiated things to keep him sweet. as i say he did mention about the lack of intimacy during pregnancy too, so i thought if i changed that, he’d have more of a reason to stay. Thats on me, not him

We’re doing ok now, i have made it clear i have no interest in being sexual at the moment, especially after this, & he seems to have accepted it

thanks all x

He doesn't get into a mood "because he's sexually frustrated".

He gets into a mood because he holds a belief that you owe him sex, and is angry when it isn't available on tap.

The fundamental issue is his belief about your role in the sexual aspect of the relationship. Does he think that doing the cleaning and whatever other stuff he does around the house means there's a sexual quid pro quo expected on your part? He certainly accepted sex in the wake of the financial problem you had...

Mervyco · 07/02/2025 09:20

I love my wife. Because of medication her libido is zero and we have not been intimate for years. I would never think of saying my needs are not being met. He is just being selfish. He is the reason you got preggie, and he should take that into consideration.
I thought you married for better or worse, and having a baby comes in the better section If you are not in the "come get me" mood, as you are only 8wpp, that comes in the little bit worse section.
In a couple of months you may be at it like rabbits again. But this is your time to recover and adjust: if he cannot put up with those facts, do you really want to spend any more time with him????

Mischance · 07/02/2025 09:31

JuneySunshine · 05/02/2025 10:35

I understand you you're feeling muddled and overwhelmed but I do think YABU and you've created a lot of mess yourself here. I can't understand:

Why you'd not just communicate about money in the first place- tell him your income has reduced and it's not covering cost and he needs to step in

Why when it came to light you'd think you can fix things with him by being sexual with him in a way which wasn't natural to you rather than explaining yourself and rebuilding trust in 'normal' ways.

Now he's confused wondering why everything sexual has stopped again. I know that's not a priority when you have a newbrn but I don't blame him for being a bit bemused.
Hope you can work through it.

A lot of "whys" which tell us much about this man. If he was a decent person the OP would have been able to have these conversations with him and trust he would respond in a decent way .... and there would be no problems and she would not be on here seeking help.

Redruby2020 · 08/02/2025 16:48

Stephanieava · 05/02/2025 22:14

I really do appreciate the support, thank you guys. I really have painted him in a worse light though & not sure how to rectify it.

He really isn’t a bad person. We have been together 15 years now. He has always been a very hands on Dad, with our eldest and now with our newborn. The only thing he doesn’t get involved in is the night feeds as that’s when i exclusively breastfeed. When I pump during the day he is bottle feeding baby. He also keeps on top of the house, we split chores. I cook, he cleans etc

I will admit, sex has been a sticking point throughout the years of our relationship. There was about a year where I wasn’t very interested. Then there was about a year where he wasn’t really interested. Our libidos have never really matched up, aside from the first 5-6 years of us being together. Then it was on & off for both of us. Then after our eldest was born, we both got our mojo back. It’s dipped again since last year & all that happened. He also did bring up the lack of intimacy during this pregnancy, which wasn’t appreciated & was swiftly rebuffed. We had a few days of him being arsey but that is what it is. It’s not my favourite trait of his, but he has never once physically forced me into anything, he has just sometimes got in a mood because he’s sexually frustrated

We’d had a bad argument when i posted the original comment. We’ve since spoken & he’s acknowledged- although this was also a long conversation & it made me pissed that I had to explain to him how unfair he was being & that he didn’t come to the realisation himself. He was still being off with me until he said ‘look i don’t want you to be upset’ & i said well im sorry but that’s not good enough & talked him through what most have said on here. He used words in the original conversation like telling me I was snide, unkind, manipulative…. Which he has since apologised for & i told him I would not stand for

In regards to the financial situation, i take full responsibility for that. That’s not on him. He was paying the majority of the bills. I was financially irresponsible & very much in a ‘deal with that later’ head space after my miscarriage. I couldn’t work much but still needed money to live. My Husbands wages wouldnt have covered everything

The other thing is the accepting the sexual favours so soon after me giving birth. I have thought about this in the way some of you have talked about & it does actually make me feel icky. I was extremely vulnerable & the more i think about him accepting it it makes me feel not very good. He didn’t force me into doing things, it was me who said i’d do it & initiated things to keep him sweet. as i say he did mention about the lack of intimacy during pregnancy too, so i thought if i changed that, he’d have more of a reason to stay. Thats on me, not him

We’re doing ok now, i have made it clear i have no interest in being sexual at the moment, especially after this, & he seems to have accepted it

thanks all x

When I have read your update my first thought was 'for how long'.