Husbands says his needs are not being met - I’m 8wpp!

[Stephanieava]

I’ll try to keep this short

I’m currently 8wpp. I had a terrible pregnancy, sickness the entire way & just all round awful. Me & my DH had zero sexual intimacy during that 9 months, plus a couple of months before (beside the obvious) when I was also pregnant but it unfortunately resulted in a loss. Got pregnant again within a month

Anyway, today my DH has sat me down for a conversation telling me his needs aren’t being met & i’m not making his feelings a priority

We had an incident at 1wpp (section) where I had been keeping a secret from him (financial) & he was very cross when I came clean. I said i’d do anything to keep him from leaving & made a joke about BJs everyday etc (god that’s so juvenile). Baring in mind I was 1wpp, & not in the best head space anyway. We had about 2 weeks where I really made an effort… and this sounds awful… it wasn’t because I wanted to, i felt i had to to keep him here. Not that he was pressuring me into it or anything, but i was trying anything to get our relationship back to normal. Which it now feels like it is

My headspace just isn’t in the place of giving sexual favours. I’m still in pain, my boobs are hurting from BF, i’m exhausted, my MH isn’t great etc etc etc

His point is that I was doing ‘bits’ for those 2 weeks, so why was it alright then but not alright now

I said i suppose i see his point, but i don’t want to feel cooerced into doing something sexual when I don’t feel like it. It’s not the first time he’s said this to me though, he also said it when i was pregnant

I suppose neither of us are being unreasonable in our stances, we’re allowed our feelings. But a part of me feels he should swallow them as I’m still only 8wpp!

How can I explain this to him in a decent way?

How is he meeting your needs op? Is he pulling his weight with the baby and the home? Is he giving you space to still be 'you' even with a small baby, is he doing some of the night feeds etc etc. it works both ways and you being rested and feeling loved and looked after will do wonders for your sex drive

If he were remotely capable of seeing what a repellent pig he is being he wouldn't need to see this thread.

It will make absolutely no difference.

Flip it around on him. Why would he put all this pressure on making someone he supposedly loves,do something she really doesn't want to do. He's vile 😞

What was your response to that? It's a good point.

Despite what the other posters here are telling you, a year without any intimacy is not at all normal or healthy, pregnancy or not.

He sounds like a total prize nob

Ugh, what every woman wants, especially post baby, to be treated like a piece of meat. Vile man

I’ve just tried to approach the subject again

the financial incident was that i built up debts that he didnt know about on credit cards (in my sole name) whilst i was unable to work during pregnancy. They had gotten to the stage of me not being able to pay them anymore. Anyway, that side of things is sorted now

I said to him (& i think its wound him up more) that during the 2 weeks or however long it was, i was in a desperate head space and would have done anything to make our relationship normal. I didn’t enjoy it or want to do it

he’s not responded well. He said that was gross to hear and also unkind. Gross for him to think that i was pleasuring him but not enjoying it - makes him feel like he was forcing me. Which he wasn’t, it was me offering it. Unkind because i basically ‘pulled that out of the bag’ as a weapon to keep him but then took it away now i feel our relationship is normal. He said it was like dangling the carrot and then taking it away and is confused how i can’t see his point of view. I can to a degree but i also can’t understand how he doesn’t see mine

His end point is why would i not want to be pleasing my partner when it would make him happy. I said it doesn’t even cross my mind and again to him that’s what upsets him, that im not even thinking about it

I don’t really know where to go from here

i’ve definitely made him sound worse than he is, he’s not abusive, he is a fantastic father and husband (most of the time!). But does get moody from time to time i must admit

But that’s a discussion you have during a time when she was in less of a vulnerable state. Maybe during the pregnancy, it’s normal to continue a sexual relationship during pregnancy so he should have talked about it then. But what he is doing now is absolutely not Ok. No matter how much you love your spouse, a few weeks after giving birth is not the time. She doesn’t want to. That’s the end of it. Let her heal. Instead, he is forcing her.

They should have discussed this before. They didn’t. So now, he needs to wait until she has healed and isn’t exhausted from a new baby.

Sounds like he's your biggest baby

Twat, creep, cunt, selfish, repulsive, deranged, pig, vile, coercive, revolting, rapist, grim, twit, nasty, uncaring, abusive, controlling, disgusting, arsehole, dick, horrible.

Really excelling yourselves today ladies 😳

ETA Nob (sp).

What an absolute arsehole.

Leave him. You're better off without him. How can anyone be so selfish? It's repugnant. He doesn't care about you OP. He only cares about himself. I'd bet money he doesn't do his share of the chores or childcare either.

I rarely say LTB on here but for the love of all things holy OP... LTB.

Tell him you have just pushed something the size of a watermelon out of a hole the size of a ping pong ball. Would he like to try it and see how he feels?

Plus breastfeeding, would he like someone at his chest for hours a day, not to mention crying, nappies and the ret

I would say to him that you feel you are being forced into doing something you don’t want to do and don’t have the capacity for and actually that’s rape

He can sort himself out

Obviously this guy needs to be told to give it a break or leave. He has no right to pressure you for sex.

But you used sex to manipulate him, you have not covered yourself in glory here either.

He is abusive and the sooner you realise that the better. He isn't a good husband, not at all.

"why would i not want to be pleasing my partner when it would make him happy"

Why does he not clean the entire house because it would make you happy?

Why will he not give you oral sex on demand because it'll make you happy?

Why will he not do all the night wakings with the baby because it would make you happy?

See how ridiculous this is if you say it back to him - you're not his slave OP!!! What about your happiness?

Be honest and tell him what you told us.

If you feel you can't talk to him, and need to keep having sex to keep the peace, when you are PP, OP that's awful coercion. Any moron knows that getting sexually serviced isn't a priority or even on the bloody list for a women who has just been pregnant, given birth, is looking after a newborn, sleep deprived, while her body is still repairing itself. I mean FGS. He knows that. Sounds like he just wants to pressure you into sex because he feels entitled to it which is so horrible for you.

Just so sorry you have this man treating you like this. He doesn't sound like a loving partner at all. Does this have legs long term? He doesn't deserve you.

Because he’s behaving like a cunt ? My DH ever spoke to me in that way, he would be lucky to still be living in our house, never mind getting a hand job.

He is a disgusting sex pest.

This is in no way what a loving and supportive husband and father does op.

is there a reason you felt you couldn’t go to him regarding needing things to be different financially when you were pregnant?

I ask because I would never be in a situation with my spouse where I felt I had to get into debt because I couldn’t say hey we need to relook at our financials because our situation has changed.

obviously hiding debt is not good and it was probably a shock to him but I question why you were in that situation in the first place?

It isn't a good point at all, especially when she's just had a baby. It's about the worst possible time to bring it up.

It's also all about OP meeting his needs. What about him meeting her needs? Why is it all about what OP can do for him?

Urgh. Odious little man.

This is awful all round OP. Offering sexual acts to smooth over difficulties in your relationship possibly speaks to a power imbalance in your relationship. But I completely understand - you would have said or done anything to keep your family intact.

But I cannot believe he accepted! Particularly at this point in your life with pregnancy and a new baby where your hormones and libido are all over the place.

He took advantage of you while you were in an extremely vulnerable and desperate situation, and now he wants to hold you to that bargain.

This would fundamentally shake my sense of who my husband was and what I meant to him. I would feel degraded and see him as some sort of sex pest.

He doesn’t sound easy to talk to and I’m not sure how you get through to him. Fundamentally, I would be telling him that I shouldn’t have to buy my marriage with daily blow jobs. My presence in marriage should be enough for him to want to stay in it too.

Honestly OP, it was stupid and manipulative of you to use blowjobs to distract him from your lies about finances. That really isn’t OK. It also isn’t OK to lie about finances. And it seems like you’re sweeping that aside with “it’s all sorted now” because you manipulated him with sex.
If you felt the need to lie about finances then your marriage is not solid and there are problems which have not been fixed by 2 weeks of blowjobs. You need to sort that out through couple therapy.

But, now that you’ve told him how you feel, the only response from him should be “of course we won’t have sex until you’re healed and ready.” His response is the issue. That’s what makes him coercive and sexual abusive. You’ve told the truth (finally) but he wants to punish you and make you keep doing it. That’s not ok.

The whole thing is a shit show to be honest, and you’re not going to fix it quickly or by yourselves. Get some help.

I agree with all of this, sadly.

What a disgusting man.

Tell him that sounds as if he believes you owe him sex or a BJ.

Then pack your bags and move in with your parents/ siblings/ friends.

I'd call this bloke a pig but I think pigs are a higher form of life than he is.