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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husbands says his needs are not being met - I’m 8wpp!

370 replies

Stephanieava · 03/02/2025 14:59

I’ll try to keep this short

I’m currently 8wpp. I had a terrible pregnancy, sickness the entire way & just all round awful. Me & my DH had zero sexual intimacy during that 9 months, plus a couple of months before (beside the obvious) when I was also pregnant but it unfortunately resulted in a loss. Got pregnant again within a month

Anyway, today my DH has sat me down for a conversation telling me his needs aren’t being met & i’m not making his feelings a priority

We had an incident at 1wpp (section) where I had been keeping a secret from him (financial) & he was very cross when I came clean. I said i’d do anything to keep him from leaving & made a joke about BJs everyday etc (god that’s so juvenile). Baring in mind I was 1wpp, & not in the best head space anyway. We had about 2 weeks where I really made an effort… and this sounds awful… it wasn’t because I wanted to, i felt i had to to keep him here. Not that he was pressuring me into it or anything, but i was trying anything to get our relationship back to normal. Which it now feels like it is

My headspace just isn’t in the place of giving sexual favours. I’m still in pain, my boobs are hurting from BF, i’m exhausted, my MH isn’t great etc etc etc

His point is that I was doing ‘bits’ for those 2 weeks, so why was it alright then but not alright now

I said i suppose i see his point, but i don’t want to feel cooerced into doing something sexual when I don’t feel like it. It’s not the first time he’s said this to me though, he also said it when i was pregnant

I suppose neither of us are being unreasonable in our stances, we’re allowed our feelings. But a part of me feels he should swallow them as I’m still only 8wpp!

How can I explain this to him in a decent way?

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 03/02/2025 15:58

Stephanieava · 03/02/2025 15:51

I’ve just tried to approach the subject again

the financial incident was that i built up debts that he didnt know about on credit cards (in my sole name) whilst i was unable to work during pregnancy. They had gotten to the stage of me not being able to pay them anymore. Anyway, that side of things is sorted now

I said to him (& i think its wound him up more) that during the 2 weeks or however long it was, i was in a desperate head space and would have done anything to make our relationship normal. I didn’t enjoy it or want to do it

he’s not responded well. He said that was gross to hear and also unkind. Gross for him to think that i was pleasuring him but not enjoying it - makes him feel like he was forcing me. Which he wasn’t, it was me offering it. Unkind because i basically ‘pulled that out of the bag’ as a weapon to keep him but then took it away now i feel our relationship is normal. He said it was like dangling the carrot and then taking it away and is confused how i can’t see his point of view. I can to a degree but i also can’t understand how he doesn’t see mine

His end point is why would i not want to be pleasing my partner when it would make him happy. I said it doesn’t even cross my mind and again to him that’s what upsets him, that im not even thinking about it

I don’t really know where to go from here

i’ve definitely made him sound worse than he is, he’s not abusive, he is a fantastic father and husband (most of the time!). But does get moody from time to time i must admit

Why are you building up debts on Matt Leave ? Why was this Prince you are married too, not picking up the financial burden?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/02/2025 15:58

How were you supporting yourself during pregnancy? Do you have equal access to money? Did you feel unable to ask him for financial support?

Bluntly do we need to add financial abuse to the bullying for sex?

mathanxiety · 03/02/2025 15:59

MerlotMisery · 03/02/2025 15:49

What was your response to that? It's a good point.

Despite what the other posters here are telling you, a year without any intimacy is not at all normal or healthy, pregnancy or not.

Show quote history

Are you serious?

MerlotMisery · 03/02/2025 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ThatFluentTiger · 03/02/2025 16:01

Did you build up debt during pregnancy because he kept you short of money?
Outside of this period of time, is his moodiness connected to not having sex?

Notimeforaname · 03/02/2025 16:01

Unkind because i basically ‘pulled that out of the bag’ as a weapon to keep him but then took it away now i feel our relationship is normal. He said it was like dangling the carrot and then taking it away

So the only reason he decided to stay with you was for the daily blow jobs? He based the future of his marriage on daily blow jobs?

JenniferBooth · 03/02/2025 16:02

Quinlan · 03/02/2025 15:58

Honestly OP, it was stupid and manipulative of you to use blowjobs to distract him from your lies about finances. That really isn’t OK. It also isn’t OK to lie about finances. And it seems like you’re sweeping that aside with “it’s all sorted now” because you manipulated him with sex.
If you felt the need to lie about finances then your marriage is not solid and there are problems which have not been fixed by 2 weeks of blowjobs. You need to sort that out through couple therapy.

But, now that you’ve told him how you feel, the only response from him should be “of course we won’t have sex until you’re healed and ready.” His response is the issue. That’s what makes him coercive and sexual abusive. You’ve told the truth (finally) but he wants to punish you and make you keep doing it. That’s not ok.

The whole thing is a shit show to be honest, and you’re not going to fix it quickly or by yourselves. Get some help.

He expected her to pay for her own maternity leave.
the financial incident was that i built up debts that he didnt know about on credit cards (in my sole name) whilst i was unable to work during pregnancy. They had gotten to the stage of me not being able to pay them anymore

You do know there is no such thing as an Immaculate Conception right?
Attitudes like this are one of the reasons i chose not to have children.

Devilsmommy · 03/02/2025 16:02

SpringleDingle · 03/02/2025 15:11

It is completely normal and totally reasonable to find sexual relations during pregnancy and pp to be a much lower frequency than "normal". You are in in no way odd or being unfair to say that you are uncomfortable, your body doesn't feel like your own and you don't want to engage sexually at this time. (Just in case you didn't know - this is NORMAL for pp women).

It is also normal for guys to feel a little sidelined at this time because the baby takes up all of the woman's attention.

What is not normal or ok is for a partner to start pressurising a pp woman into sex she doesn't want. Your H is acting like a creep. A nasty, uncaring, sexual creep.

He's being a rapey cunt is what he's doing. How fucking selfish can you be when your wife has had such a hard time through pregnancy and birth and rather than helping her to recover you're trying to coerce her into having sex that she's blatantly not ready for. I honestly felt like crying when I read about the blow jobs to keep him there. OP you deserve so much more than this rapey twat. Please don't let him make you do things you aren't comfortable with

takealettermsjones · 03/02/2025 16:02

MerlotMisery · 03/02/2025 15:49

What was your response to that? It's a good point.

Despite what the other posters here are telling you, a year without any intimacy is not at all normal or healthy, pregnancy or not.

Show quote history

What? Who cares if it's not normal - they're not normal circumstances. She was having a tough pregnancy and now she's recovering from a C section! After my third pregnancy and childbirth I was sore, exhausted, had PND, birth injuries, breastfeeding every minute of the blessed day... if my husband had started whining at me about me not "pleasing" him you'd have seen me on the news for being the first woman to McGyver a murder weapon out of a Medela Swing!

ExtraOnions · 03/02/2025 16:02

MerlotMisery · 03/02/2025 15:49

What was your response to that? It's a good point.

Despite what the other posters here are telling you, a year without any intimacy is not at all normal or healthy, pregnancy or not.

Show quote history

It is possible to be intimate without a cock being shoved in you.

takealettermsjones · 03/02/2025 16:03

PhyllisWallet · 03/02/2025 15:52

Twat, creep, cunt, selfish, repulsive, deranged, pig, vile, coercive, revolting, rapist, grim, twit, nasty, uncaring, abusive, controlling, disgusting, arsehole, dick, horrible.

Really excelling yourselves today ladies 😳

ETA Nob (sp).

Edited

We're great, aren't we? So creative 😊

mathanxiety · 03/02/2025 16:03

@MerlotMisery

You read the bit about the horrible pregnancy she had, right? She had to leave work because of the issues she was experiencing.

Hence, perhaps, no sex?

ThatFluentTiger · 03/02/2025 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Really? You need to go back and read the original post again and stop the Handmaiden-ing. Did you miss the bit about the previous miscarriage and awful pregnancy.

MerlotMisery · 03/02/2025 16:05

ExtraOnions · 03/02/2025 16:02

It is possible to be intimate without a cock being shoved in you.

Show quote history

Exactly my point!

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/02/2025 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

It says right there in the OP that she had an awful pregnancy with sickness the whole time. That will be why it didn't happen during pregnancy.

takealettermsjones · 03/02/2025 16:05

MerlotMisery · 03/02/2025 16:05

Exactly my point!

Show quote history

Right so why isn't he offering to massage her feet??

mathanxiety · 03/02/2025 16:06

StormingNorman · 03/02/2025 15:57

This is awful all round OP. Offering sexual acts to smooth over difficulties in your relationship possibly speaks to a power imbalance in your relationship. But I completely understand - you would have said or done anything to keep your family intact.

But I cannot believe he accepted! Particularly at this point in your life with pregnancy and a new baby where your hormones and libido are all over the place.

He took advantage of you while you were in an extremely vulnerable and desperate situation, and now he wants to hold you to that bargain.

This would fundamentally shake my sense of who my husband was and what I meant to him. I would feel degraded and see him as some sort of sex pest.

He doesn’t sound easy to talk to and I’m not sure how you get through to him. Fundamentally, I would be telling him that I shouldn’t have to buy my marriage with daily blow jobs. My presence in marriage should be enough for him to want to stay in it too.

Edited

Yes to all of this.

OP, what did you spend the money on while pregnant?

EnjoyingTheSilence · 03/02/2025 16:06

What a cunt. You need to have another conversation and tell him to grow the fuck up. He has a hand, he can sort himself and make sure that he’s supporting you after you’ve grown and given birth to another human

PinkCandles · 03/02/2025 16:06

Stephanieava · 03/02/2025 15:51

I’ve just tried to approach the subject again

the financial incident was that i built up debts that he didnt know about on credit cards (in my sole name) whilst i was unable to work during pregnancy. They had gotten to the stage of me not being able to pay them anymore. Anyway, that side of things is sorted now

I said to him (& i think its wound him up more) that during the 2 weeks or however long it was, i was in a desperate head space and would have done anything to make our relationship normal. I didn’t enjoy it or want to do it

he’s not responded well. He said that was gross to hear and also unkind. Gross for him to think that i was pleasuring him but not enjoying it - makes him feel like he was forcing me. Which he wasn’t, it was me offering it. Unkind because i basically ‘pulled that out of the bag’ as a weapon to keep him but then took it away now i feel our relationship is normal. He said it was like dangling the carrot and then taking it away and is confused how i can’t see his point of view. I can to a degree but i also can’t understand how he doesn’t see mine

His end point is why would i not want to be pleasing my partner when it would make him happy. I said it doesn’t even cross my mind and again to him that’s what upsets him, that im not even thinking about it

I don’t really know where to go from here

i’ve definitely made him sound worse than he is, he’s not abusive, he is a fantastic father and husband (most of the time!). But does get moody from time to time i must admit

Christ. Is he not interested in his 8 week old baby at all. Just on sex?

SerenStarEtoile · 03/02/2025 16:07

Hi OP

Others before me have said it all really.

If a bit of “pleasuring” was being offered a couple of weeks ago but not now, can you not explain to him that (apart from anything else, like not wanting to) PP aches and pains and sore boobs take their toll and you feel much less like it than you did. I suppose that might help him understand but I’ve got my doubts.

The image of you being sat down like a naughty girl so that he could lay down his expectations is vomitous.

It’s not a good time to find out his true nature, but I hope this has shown you where you go from here; or better still, he goes…!

Please start making plans to end this relationship.

Devilsmommy · 03/02/2025 16:07

MerlotMisery · 03/02/2025 15:49

What was your response to that? It's a good point.

Despite what the other posters here are telling you, a year without any intimacy is not at all normal or healthy, pregnancy or not.

Show quote history

Considering OP's circumstances with regards to a difficult pregnancy then a year isn't abnormal at all.

iamnotalemon · 03/02/2025 16:10

How disgusting of him.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/02/2025 16:11

Call women's aid please op and detail what you've said here. I can promise you that professionals will not agree with you that this is a good man and fantastic father.

Terrribletwos · 03/02/2025 16:11

Oh for God's sake as Storming Norman said upthread he should be totally focused on you and the baby and your welfare!

I am completely nonplussed at anything else.

littleluncheon · 03/02/2025 16:12

Why didn't you have enough money when you couldn't work due to pregnancy?
Did he have money?

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