Husbands says his needs are not being met - I’m 8wpp!

[Stephanieava]

I’ll try to keep this short

I’m currently 8wpp. I had a terrible pregnancy, sickness the entire way & just all round awful. Me & my DH had zero sexual intimacy during that 9 months, plus a couple of months before (beside the obvious) when I was also pregnant but it unfortunately resulted in a loss. Got pregnant again within a month

Anyway, today my DH has sat me down for a conversation telling me his needs aren’t being met & i’m not making his feelings a priority

We had an incident at 1wpp (section) where I had been keeping a secret from him (financial) & he was very cross when I came clean. I said i’d do anything to keep him from leaving & made a joke about BJs everyday etc (god that’s so juvenile). Baring in mind I was 1wpp, & not in the best head space anyway. We had about 2 weeks where I really made an effort… and this sounds awful… it wasn’t because I wanted to, i felt i had to to keep him here. Not that he was pressuring me into it or anything, but i was trying anything to get our relationship back to normal. Which it now feels like it is

My headspace just isn’t in the place of giving sexual favours. I’m still in pain, my boobs are hurting from BF, i’m exhausted, my MH isn’t great etc etc etc

His point is that I was doing ‘bits’ for those 2 weeks, so why was it alright then but not alright now

I said i suppose i see his point, but i don’t want to feel cooerced into doing something sexual when I don’t feel like it. It’s not the first time he’s said this to me though, he also said it when i was pregnant

I suppose neither of us are being unreasonable in our stances, we’re allowed our feelings. But a part of me feels he should swallow them as I’m still only 8wpp!

How can I explain this to him in a decent way?

I think this is one of the saddest threads I've ever read on MN.

A woman, posting about her husband's needs not being met, and her explaining it all in great detail to the point this is is taking up so much of her headspace.

Whilst she has a newborn that she should be utterly absorbed and besotted with.

This man is literally stealing your attention away from a defenceless BABY, because he is so DAMN selfish and thinks that HE, a grown ass man should take your priority over this wee baby.

You need to wake up and tell this horrible, grim, selfish cunt to fuck off. Then divorce his selfish, creepy, GRIM ass.

Do you seriously have any respect for a man like this? I actually feel physically sick at the thought of a woman 1WPP, after having had major abdominal surgery aswell, giving a man several blowjobs because he's crying that he's not getting attention because that selfish baby is taking it all.

I really want to vomit. If you stay with this selfish disgusting cunt, this will be your life - FOREVER.

So many posts recently on MN are turning me into a man hater. I have to remind myself that there are actually decent men out there and not all of them are like those posted about on here. Thank fuck I married well - second time round.

It seems to me that you're sexual activity with your husband is because he wants it, not you and it's been that way for a long time.
Do you still want to have sex with him at all, ever again?

What's wpp?????...🤔

Women having sex they do not want is a repetitive theme on Mumsnet and so depressing.

I've been on mumsnet 15 years and every day of that there's been posts of fathers/husbands who are absolutely useless in terms of 'help' but described as fantastic fathers.

But. This past month it has suddenly switched to sexual abuse being accepted as the norm for some poor women.

I am worried for my daughters. I hope I've taught them well enough that you pack up your children and walk away from a man like this.

Weeks Post Partum, i.e. how many weeks after giving birth

Weeks post partum

Thanks for explaining,I've not heard of that before lol

Sounds like a healthy marriage in some ways because at least you are having good open conversations. Sometimes no one “wins” and it’s just about being heard. All couples go through dry spells and no one, except a very small handful of couples, are having sex for months after a new baby. I can really relate to this, for me it wasn’t after a baby though. We focussed on intimacy in other ways. Holding hands and cuddling. It all worked itself out and from about 6 months pp our sex life is the best it has ever been. Be kind to yourself. I’m wondering if you will have had time in your old body to fully process the loss of your previous baby and now you have a completely new body where nothing feels as you remember it. You are essentially trying to stitch together a different person after having a baby that you won’t even recognise. Ah newborn days. It gets better. Men… they don’t always get it at first because you look like the same person but I’m sure he’ll get there. X

I understand you you're feeling muddled and overwhelmed but I do think YABU and you've created a lot of mess yourself here. I can't understand:

Why you'd not just communicate about money in the first place- tell him your income has reduced and it's not covering cost and he needs to step in

Why when it came to light you'd think you can fix things with him by being sexual with him in a way which wasn't natural to you rather than explaining yourself and rebuilding trust in 'normal' ways.

Now he's confused wondering why everything sexual has stopped again. I know that's not a priority when you have a newbrn but I don't blame him for being a bit bemused.
Hope you can work through it.

If I'm reading this right he doesn't want you to do anything against your will, he wants you to want to do it. It's kind of problematic for him to express this though because it's hard not to then feel pressured. You ended up pretending to want to because you were desperate to make up after an argument about finances so now it feels like a bit of a mess and understandably it's not increasing intimacy for you at the moment.
I'd suggest taking a break entirely from anything sexual for now. Your mental health needs to be a priority. Lots of couples don't have much sex for 6 months or more, some get back to it more quickly, but it can depend on how much sleep you're getting and how well you have healed from the birth. Encourage him to take care of his own sexual needs and give you some time and space to heal.

Please do post less and less on this thread. (It's fine to have an opinion about there being too much bad language on Mumsnet but this post really isn't the place to post it. The vast majority of us on this thread are deeply concerned for OP - it is frankly weird and tone deaf to be posting about bad language in this context.)

OP didn't say he pressured her into the BJs. She suggested it as a joke and he went along with it.
Yes, she didn't want to and shouldn't have done it. In hindsight, "I was joking" or "I wasn't being serious, I've just had our baby" might have been better than to go along with it but it is what it is.

Also, @Stephanieava , do you know for sure that he would stop the marriage just because he's not getting his sexual needs met?

Now he's asking her why has it stopped?
She needs to tell him it's because she her head was all over the place when baby first came along what with the debt and that she was joking about the blowjobs but as he was serious about it, she felt like she couldn't back down because she didn't want him to get mad.

Then see how DH reacts.

@Stephanieava

I had sex with my ex when I didn't want to many times to 'keep the peace'.
It feels weird to say aloud that I was raped because it's not how you expect rape to be. But I had sex with him when I really didn't want to and I'd told him that I didn't but we'd end up doing it anyway.

You need to be concentrating on yourself and your needs and that of your DC. If your DH gives you a hard time, the silent treatment, manipulates in any way that makes you feel like you have to do something that you don't want to... Then he is abusing you darling and you must finish the marriage because you have to take care of yourself and pop it yourself first for the sake of your child. You are the most important person in your life because if you're not ok, you won't be 100% for the baby.

Good luck x

Just to point out, OP had built up debt because she was paying for things for baby and herself while not working in self-employed job. So it's not understandable that he should be annoyed - he should have been supporting his DW while she was pregnant with his DC! Why did he not wonder how she was able to pay for these things without an income coming in?

As so many have said here, OP, please please see that your husband is not treating you well. He should have been supporting you financially when you couldn't work, not happily cashing in on BJs when your understandable debt was discovered. He should not be pestering you for sex or handjobs and blowjobs when your body and mind are recovering from childbirth. It is so unreasonable of him - he's not putting your needs anywhere on his list of priorities.

It's easy for PPs to tell you to leave him etc, and I know that's not what you need to hear either when you're 8 weeks post partum. But please at least try and get him to see just how absolutely unreasonable he's being, both as regards sex and the lack of financial support before. And if he can't see it then maybe you need to plan for the future that one day sooner or later you will need to leave. I do really worry for you too about the financial stuff. He really should have been supporting you financially with stuff for baby and you and I hope he is now. I hope he's also paying off the credit card debt as if he had stepped up before it wouldn't exist.

It is understandable that he would feel annoyed imo. How finances are handled in a marriage is down to the partners.

The fact she hadn't been transparent with me would annoy me. But part of that feeling would be anger at us both that there was a reason she hid it, couldnt talk about it. Because you're correct HE should have been providing too. She should have been able to tell him. The fact she didn't says it all.

My point is however he felt is fine. It's behaviour that matters and his wasnt to build trust, look at how they could communicate more effectively but cash in on daily BJs from a woman exhausted and desperate to keep him. He should love and respect enough that she doesn't have to convince him to stay with favours.

I'm sorry, but he's a cunt!

So, I know I've been naughty, getting into debt,

Not even that - "I've been using the credit card to buy essentials, as I am unable to work due to pregnancy and you are not supporting me'

Please don't keep defending him! Read all the opinions on how awful and abusive he's being.

And not just the credit card, her own credit card! He's a selfish piece of work.

I really do appreciate the support, thank you guys. I really have painted him in a worse light though & not sure how to rectify it.

He really isn’t a bad person. We have been together 15 years now. He has always been a very hands on Dad, with our eldest and now with our newborn. The only thing he doesn’t get involved in is the night feeds as that’s when i exclusively breastfeed. When I pump during the day he is bottle feeding baby. He also keeps on top of the house, we split chores. I cook, he cleans etc

I will admit, sex has been a sticking point throughout the years of our relationship. There was about a year where I wasn’t very interested. Then there was about a year where he wasn’t really interested. Our libidos have never really matched up, aside from the first 5-6 years of us being together. Then it was on & off for both of us. Then after our eldest was born, we both got our mojo back. It’s dipped again since last year & all that happened. He also did bring up the lack of intimacy during this pregnancy, which wasn’t appreciated & was swiftly rebuffed. We had a few days of him being arsey but that is what it is. It’s not my favourite trait of his, but he has never once physically forced me into anything, he has just sometimes got in a mood because he’s sexually frustrated

We’d had a bad argument when i posted the original comment. We’ve since spoken & he’s acknowledged- although this was also a long conversation & it made me pissed that I had to explain to him how unfair he was being & that he didn’t come to the realisation himself. He was still being off with me until he said ‘look i don’t want you to be upset’ & i said well im sorry but that’s not good enough & talked him through what most have said on here. He used words in the original conversation like telling me I was snide, unkind, manipulative…. Which he has since apologised for & i told him I would not stand for

In regards to the financial situation, i take full responsibility for that. That’s not on him. He was paying the majority of the bills. I was financially irresponsible & very much in a ‘deal with that later’ head space after my miscarriage. I couldn’t work much but still needed money to live. My Husbands wages wouldnt have covered everything

The other thing is the accepting the sexual favours so soon after me giving birth. I have thought about this in the way some of you have talked about & it does actually make me feel icky. I was extremely vulnerable & the more i think about him accepting it it makes me feel not very good. He didn’t force me into doing things, it was me who said i’d do it & initiated things to keep him sweet. as i say he did mention about the lack of intimacy during pregnancy too, so i thought if i changed that, he’d have more of a reason to stay. Thats on me, not him

We’re doing ok now, i have made it clear i have no interest in being sexual at the moment, especially after this, & he seems to have accepted it

thanks all x

That you call intimacy with your DH 'sexual favours' says a lot about your relationship - none of it good. Wives do not give 'sexual favours', husbands do not expect them. A loving relationship involves caring and mutually happy sex lives, not 'favours'.
And if you think of a blow job as a 'sexual favour' i.e. you don't like it much, then don't do it. Say why. End of.

No-ones perfect! I wish you and family well.

Bc you’re exhausted and just had a baby and your body is still healing. If men birthed a bowling ball you’d never hear the end of their whining about how hard it was. I don’t know who came up with sex after 6 weeks is ok bc it’s not.