Exes new baby isn't our problem?

[purplejeansandbiscoff]

My husbands ex partner has recently had a new baby around two months ago with her (now ex) partner. Her and my husband share two children late primary age.

Since her and her ex partner split she has been asking me and DH for a lot of help with things ranging from asking us to stop and pick up nappies / formula / bits of groceries like bread for her house on our way to pick up or drop off DSC to asking us to have DSC a lot more because she's tired.

I work part time around our joint child and she has asked me multiple times in the last few weeks to take DSC to school because she's had no sleep or collect them from their hobby on her nights and drop them back off with her, things like that.

I've said to DH it's getting too much now, we have DSC 50% of the time as it is, I'm trying to parent my own toddler, he's working full time and honestly I just don't see what problem it is of ours that she's tired / had no sleep / doesn't want to go and get her own nappies. I've tried to be patient because I know it's tough with a newborn but she's just text DH again and asked if I can swing by for DSC in the morning and drop them at school on my way to take DD to nursery because baby has a cold and she's not been getting any sleep.

Aibu to say no and stop doing these things now. She should be asking the child's father for help not us imo. For context, her and DH historically don't even get along that well, it goes through patches of muddling along okay but she has always been demanding and there have been some really horrible times between them in the past.

Does she have any other support? Family? Friends?

where did the father go?

Not your issue at all but nice to help when/if you can.

How old are the sc?

How are they doing with all the changes?

I think with an 8 week old baby, and at this depressing time of year, I’d cut her some slack for at least a couple more months.

But I would be thinking about what help is reasonable. And might be more inclined to have DSC more of the time rather than do her errands

Buying nappies definitely isn't something I would get into doing for her. Could you offer to have the DSC for extra days if she's struggling with a sick baby? At least then it would be easier to drop them off at school. It does sound like the baby's dad needs to be pulling his weight more.

Hmm. I think if the relationship is amacable then it's a lovely thing to do to help her and maintain the relationship but yanbu to put boundaries in place. Especially if it is putting YOU (someone she has no relation with) out.

Do you do the lion share of caring for the dsc too? Is this how this strange co parenting relationship between the women has happened.

I would speak to DH about boundaries and that as stepmother you are feeling taken advantage of. If DH wants to help out the ex then he can do so.

I imagine that if your DC is in nursery then you work? I might feel a bit different if you were a full time sahm being financially supported by DH and therefore taking a share of 'his' responsibilities.

Very good suggestions

Did she offer to help out your DH when he had a newborn by doing more school drop offs and pick up’s etc?

Personally I wouldn’t be super accommodating if she’s been difficult in the past. She’s had kids before, she knew what she was getting into, which is what every second poster on this board would be saying if it were you needing help as a step parent.

Not your problem, no.

But helping her is presumably helping SDCs have a happier home life with her as she's less stressed. If she were to get full blown PPD or have a breakdown then I guess you'd have to have them full time.

Depends if you think she's genuinely struggling or taking the piss. Does she not have anyone else around who can help?

What is your DH saying about it when you talked to him it ?

Have some empathy and cut her some slack.

I wouldn't help with groceries etc because she can just get it delivered.
I would help with DSC where you can (e.g. not gong completely out of your way in heavy traffic), because it's the kind thing to do.

But you're right it's not your problem in the end.

I’d have the dsc more just so that they dont have to be so badly affected by their mum who is clearly struggling. I wouldn’t be running around the shops and giving lifts for her though.

Not your problem and if you don’t have a good relationship already then I wouldn’t be going out of my way at all to help her.

I’d leave it to DH if he wanted to do anymore for her but I wouldn’t be.

You’d want to be pretty cold-hearted IMO to say ‘not my problem’ to a single mum of an 8 week old.

This woman is alone. OP and her DH had each other.

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask your DH with help getting their joint children to school - that's his responsibility too.... Push it back to your DH if you don't want to do it.

But if you are going that way anyway, it seems petty not to take the kids in. They can spend more time with you and their half-sibling on the journey.

I would probably start telling her to do an online shop if she is struggling to get out to the shops, I wouldn't really want to be doing someone else's shopping on a regular basis.

Sounds like she is really struggling, if she has no other support, why wouldn’t you help for a few weeks.

I agree with this. It will be hugely beneficial to your stepchildren as well, so I'd give her some grace.
I can't imagine she has much support otherwise if she's relying on you so heavily.

Not your problem. It’s burdening you already, and you’ll end up growing increasingly resentful.

Id help out with the DSC or at least your DH should, it’s not their fault. I wouldn’t be going to the shops for her.

What's the logistics dropping dc to school? Is it massively out of the way?

Perhaps dh needs to step up more with his dc and take them to more activities and afteschool pickups for a while.

She most likely didn't offer, as she wasn't needed. She's now left alone with a 2 mth old - not something most people plan for, as it's not a position you normally expect to be in.

I'd do school pick ups and drop offs but I wouldn't be grabbing bits for the new baby.
If she's struggling I'd suggest your DH revisits the custody arrangement.

No we haven't had a good relationship in the past. I'm at the 'grin and bear' her stage now because the kids are getting a bit older and the need for close contact has (until now) dwindled slightly in the last year or so but none of us our each other's best mates.

Having DSC more isn't necessarily a problem but I do find it annoying that the responsibility then becomes mine because DH works early mornings so I'm the one left doing school runs for a woman who is not really anything to do with me.

And no, she didn't do anything extra when we had our DD which I'd never have expected of her anyway!

Dad is around but works a lot i think. Her parents are also close by but they also work Monday- Friday.

I would offer to have the children more rather than support a situation at her house that isn't working. That way if it continues not to work and the whole thing blows up in your face, you have the children safely with you more.

I agree with this. PP is hard and she has no partner and doesn’t sound like a good support network. It’s easy to say it’s not your problem, but if the mother of your SC falls into postpartum depression or is struggling it will affect the children and your family too.
just be a bit compassionate in the early months, have the kids more for example. Sounds it’s very tough for her. School runs with little sleep and no help is very hard.