Exes new baby isn't our problem?

[purplejeansandbiscoff]

My husbands ex partner has recently had a new baby around two months ago with her (now ex) partner. Her and my husband share two children late primary age.

Since her and her ex partner split she has been asking me and DH for a lot of help with things ranging from asking us to stop and pick up nappies / formula / bits of groceries like bread for her house on our way to pick up or drop off DSC to asking us to have DSC a lot more because she's tired.

I work part time around our joint child and she has asked me multiple times in the last few weeks to take DSC to school because she's had no sleep or collect them from their hobby on her nights and drop them back off with her, things like that.

I've said to DH it's getting too much now, we have DSC 50% of the time as it is, I'm trying to parent my own toddler, he's working full time and honestly I just don't see what problem it is of ours that she's tired / had no sleep / doesn't want to go and get her own nappies. I've tried to be patient because I know it's tough with a newborn but she's just text DH again and asked if I can swing by for DSC in the morning and drop them at school on my way to take DD to nursery because baby has a cold and she's not been getting any sleep.

Aibu to say no and stop doing these things now. She should be asking the child's father for help not us imo. For context, her and DH historically don't even get along that well, it goes through patches of muddling along okay but she has always been demanding and there have been some really horrible times between them in the past.

No, I’m saying that is what ‘you should do it to be one good terms or else she could choose to be difficult’ really means. As if being OP allowing herself to be burdened for fear of pissing the ex off constitutes ‘good terms’.

I don’t think it’s teaches children anything positive either, unless the lessons you’re wanting to teach are ‘hold threats over someone’s head and they’ll give you what you want’ and ‘women are there to shut up and put up for the children’.

Except it clearly isn’t nice for OP, is it?

um no . They don’t have to be best friends but personally I think when people decide to be in blended families it’s important to stay civil for the sake of the children.

i don’t know why what you said is in quotation marks when no one said that.

It’s not going to be. If you don’t establish at least a civil relationship with each other that happens.

I get it you’re one of those I have to win and have the last word types✌

It's also not going to be civil if it's all one way with OP doing everything and the ex holding her hand out. It's just going to cause OP to resent her.

So why the fuck would she do more of something that already isn’t nice for her? 😂

But surely it would be easier for OP to feel she wanted to help if ex was being a bit nicer and less entitled?

And if you're determined not to see both sides to this, cool for you.

OP is being civil. That she isn’t going to further burden herself to oblige the mother does not mean she isn’t being civil. The stepchildren have two parents responsible for them, and neither one is OP.

Because, even if not explicitly stated, that is what is meant by ‘you should do it or else she could make your life difficult’.

Agree but unfortunately the op doesn’t have control over this. Agree the ex sounds demanding I would distance myself but I’d try and be as nice as possible about it . That’s just me.

Maybe she does need lots of support. But that doesn’t mean OP should be the one to spring in to action to help her. And yes partly because the ex didn’t help her. Sometimes there isn’t that sort of dynamic between two people, and that’s ok. OP is just sticking to what she’s used to.

Even if the ex genuinely 100% doesn’t have any friends or family who she can have as a support network, there is support out there if she’s struggling with the baby.
Also Amazon and Online shops exist for nappies and groceries, and prams exist to put the baby in to when out on the school run to take her late primary school aged children to school. Not sure what she needs the OP for at all.

Assume you've never had a baby? Can take a very long time to recover not to mention the sheer lack of sleep. Can't imagine doing it all on my own. Probably not even safe for her to drive half the time.

@Bunny44 what are you on about? How do you think SAHMs, single Moms with multiple children etc cope getting their older children to school in every corner of the earth, every single day? The child is 2 months old, unless she had catastrophic birth injuries, which the OP has categorically not mentioned, she needs to just get her ass out of bed, drop her kids to school and arrange delivery service.

@Bunny44 and not that it's right, but plenty of women in the US and elsewhere are back to work and juggling childcare drops etc at this stage.

It doesn’t end though. Soon enough her baby will be a toddler who might not sleep. Should OP come to the rescue then too?

Lots of mums have to take their babies on the school run. In fact it’s something so normal and every day that I can’t understand why you are so bothered by her having to do it.

@Bunny44 You say you can't imagine doing it all on your own, well for many there is no choice. When DD was less than 2 months old her dad was working away for 2 months and his 6 year old DD was living with us full-time. Oddly enough I was still able to get DSD to school on time, go to the shops (no home delivery back then), collect DSD from school and all the other things countless many women do. I didn't have any help during the week as my parents, friends and anyone else would would have been capable (and who I trusted to look after DD/DSD), were not available has they had their own lives going on.

Edited as I forgot to quote the post I was replying to.

You still aren't explaining though why this is any of OP's problem? If this woman can't cope on her own, I still fail to understand how it's any of OP's and her husband's problem!!!

I think people are forgetting that Wife 1 and Wife 2 (and any subsequent wives) are unlikely to be friends, it's not like two neighbours/sisters/colleagues helping each other out. A very different dynamic.

And also these same people wouldn’t dream of saying wife 1 should be helping wife 2 because of that dynamic! They’d be saying it’s not her problem!

But when it comes to wife 2 helping wife 1, it’s all about thinking of others, being kind, women helping women, she’s struggling etc…

That'll be 14 months then if it's like my youngest!! Some don't for years. You are being totally unreasonable. Set yourself on fire etc etc.

My youngest was well past his second birthday before he discovered that sleep was a thing 😨
I was back at work and doing schools runs and all the stuff long before we were getting a proper sleep at night.

And how is any of this OP’s concern?

Plenty of people do it on their own just fine. She doesn’t even have her other kids half of the time, that’s more help than most get too.

She sounds pathetic, tbh.

That’s her problem, not OP’s. If she needs support perhaps she could take that up with the kid’s father.

Of course I've had a baby, including twins. I was back at work full time by 12 weeks.

Plenty of mums manage the school run, why is she so special? Why does she get to demand that someone else does it for her? Especially after 2 months.

She decided to have a 3rd baby.

@SouthLondonMum22 Yes, after DS was born, I had help taking DD to nursery for 10 days and then I did it. Most people don’t have weeks/months of help with school runs.