Exes new baby isn't our problem?

[purplejeansandbiscoff]

My husbands ex partner has recently had a new baby around two months ago with her (now ex) partner. Her and my husband share two children late primary age.

Since her and her ex partner split she has been asking me and DH for a lot of help with things ranging from asking us to stop and pick up nappies / formula / bits of groceries like bread for her house on our way to pick up or drop off DSC to asking us to have DSC a lot more because she's tired.

I work part time around our joint child and she has asked me multiple times in the last few weeks to take DSC to school because she's had no sleep or collect them from their hobby on her nights and drop them back off with her, things like that.

I've said to DH it's getting too much now, we have DSC 50% of the time as it is, I'm trying to parent my own toddler, he's working full time and honestly I just don't see what problem it is of ours that she's tired / had no sleep / doesn't want to go and get her own nappies. I've tried to be patient because I know it's tough with a newborn but she's just text DH again and asked if I can swing by for DSC in the morning and drop them at school on my way to take DD to nursery because baby has a cold and she's not been getting any sleep.

Aibu to say no and stop doing these things now. She should be asking the child's father for help not us imo. For context, her and DH historically don't even get along that well, it goes through patches of muddling along okay but she has always been demanding and there have been some really horrible times between them in the past.

Got the same problem with ex having new baby but you obviously live nearby. DSC live 25 miles away in the opposite direction (ex‘s choice to be near her family and back in home town) to our jobs bringing an extra hour on to commute and travelling to work in peak commuting time plus no after school care so pick up at 16:00.
We aren’t asked nicely or in advance. DP gets screaming voice messages at midday telling him what a shit father he is and that he doesn’t do anything and then she says she will leave DSC at the front door, whether someone is there or not. It can take us up to an hour to get back from our jobs because of traffic.
And it’s not your problem. I presume you didn’t ask to have DSC less when you had your baby and also the ex made the decisions that she did like having another baby.

Don’t allow it to happen. That responsibility isn’t yours, and you don’t have to take it on as if it is. You could very easily be making a rod for your own back as it becomes expected of you.

She may be struggling, but she chose to have another child, and you aren’t required to offer the solutions to her problems.

You are not doing school runs for a woman, you are doing them for your husband’s children. Why does he have a job where he can never do school runs? Nice for him.

She’s a single mum to a tiny baby who is also getting over a break up, and has two older children 50% of the time (with most of the mental load for them presumably). It’s an incredibly difficult position to be in.

I would cut her some slack but it should be down to your DP to do the extra pick ups, drop offs and nipping to the shops for her.

"she's just text DH again and asked if I can swing by for DSC in the morning and drop them at school on my way to take DD to nursery because baby has a cold"

she texted your H when she expected you to do her a favour?
that would make it a definite "no" from me.

How far out of the way is school? I personally would prefer it if she drops them over the night before, although you/ dh have to get them up it would be better than turning up there at 8.30 and finding they aren't ready and getting caught up in that sort of stress. You could say 'Hi Tina, sorry to hear you are struggling, if you drop them over tonight in the next hour we can have them but otherwise the morning would be too disruptive for dtoddler if we are out of our usual school routine'.

Having said that no you aren't obliged to help. Dh does though need to be aware of any welfare issues.

You could then trade the night a different time.

Your DH needs to offer more to support getting his kids to school, it’s his responsibility just as much as their mum’s. He should have his own children stay with him more at this time as it’s very clear that having an 8 week old and two other children is pretty tough for a single mother. You need to talk to him about his responsibilities in this.

You understand the meaning of 'baggage', right?

For the sake of maintaining decent relations due to DSC I'd suggest you and DH say that you can offer some flexibility helping out more with the kids for the next month. But that she'll need to get herself sorted with arrangements for her ex partner/family after then. I'd not do the shopping though.

I would also offer to have the kids more for the next few months. I wouldn’t be getting the groceries though.

For a nice person I'd be happy to help out. For someone who isn't and who you say has always been very demanding I would say no. "That won't be possible" repeat. You're not her friend so she's taking the piss. If your DH can help her that's one thing but you owe her nothing. Next thing you know she will ask you to take her baby as well.

Does she appear grateful to you? Is there any humility when she asks or does she seem entitled?

I would say personally that I think she is taking the piss to be honest.

A favour isn’t a favour if it’s done under duress

As the stepparent you have to set your own boundaries. I wouldn't expect you or your dh to be buying nappies even ad hoc for her child. She should order a shop online just like everyone else. For school runs if I was in your position I'd want a more formal arrangement so you'd at least know you were doing them for a set period and then she has to get it together. If she was expecting me to do drop offs then I would expect her to speak to me but perhaps you prefer communication to be kept to a minimum.

Presumably the early morning shift means he finishes earlier so can do more afternoon evening? It isn't unusual for people to make arrangements so they have flexibility in different parts of the day.

I assume my bin men don't work to 5pm as they will come and collect my rubbish before 6 some days. I imagine they can't really say they don't want to do early mornings but I imagine school pick ups would be fine.

Ofgs, some of us aren’t able to find jobs that have ideal hours. Life’s not like that. I imagine the op and her husband organise their lives as they need to. I did many a school run for my stepson on the days he was with us (which was a 75 minute round trip) because it worked better around my hours. Equally my husband mucked my horse out for me some days because he was able to. We both did what was needed…. I think the issue here is the op is now being expected to do more than just the days they have the step children, and that’s the problem. We had something a little similar with my husband’s ex. My stepson went to school 40 mins away across the moor, and occasionally it was iffy weather. She started asking my husband to take him to school on her days too if it was bad weather because we had a4x4 and she didn’t. I had to point out to my husband that his ex had chosen the school 45 minutes away without any discussion with him, and she was able to afford a 4x4 herself, so he shouldn’t get into the habit of doing extra journeys for her. She was the type that would take a mile if you gave an inch and wouldn’t do favours for us.

Absolutely not!!! If your DH is working mornings then it’s a no, these kids are not your responsibility. I know that sounds harsh but it’s the reality. I have my own 2 DCs with my DH & I would not be ferrying around my DSS to help out his Ex. Newborn or no newborn.

Why does he have a job where he can never do school runs? Nice for him.

@SchoolDilemma17

Oh come on! Can you not think of a single job where doing the school run isn't possible? Especially the morning one?

Seems like she needs some more help with the children she shares with your husband. Is he doing at least 50% for those kids? I mean him, not you.

OP, what's standing out for me here is that the ex is asking you and your DH to have the DSC a lot more, when you're already 50/50... I know it's not what you asked, but do you think they might feel pushed out by this?

Don't get me wrong, if that's happening it's not your responsibility to resolve it, it's your DH's and his ex's. It just jumped out at me because I remember the same thing happening to my DSD when her mum had a new baby, all of a sudden she wanted us to have DSD more and more, and while it was lovely having her, I think DSD felt pushed out and placed second to the baby. Her behaviour and emotional expression changed markedly and it was actually quite upsetting to witness. Again, I know it's not what you came on here to ask, but if I was your DH I'd be concerned about that and keeping an eye on how his DC seem to be feeling about everything.

Yanbu. Having a baby doesn’t mean she no longer has responsibilities to her existing children, which includes getting them to school when it’s her 50% of the time. Doing shopping for her as well -she’s taking the piss a bit. Her baby has two parents and if she is struggling, babies dad should be stepping up to give her a break. And should certainly be the one going for nappies etc.

I personally think it's a bit cheeky that she is expecting you to help out. If it was your DH able to help with his child then maybe it would seem a bit more reasonable, but considering the arrangement is already 50:50 she should be considering alternatives. You say she can't ask her parents as they work, but assuming you also work too, why is it you that has to be impacted and not them? She made a choice to have another child and it's sad that he didn't stick around but that really isn't your problem. I get the feeling the more you do the more she will want.

As others have said how much of an issue is it to take DSC to school? If it's on route then maybe say you can do an extra day but you cannot do any more, especially if you already do so many days anyway. If it's out your way you need to say no, unless DH can change his morning then it's not convenient.

If you were struggling would you expect your DH to step up and do more for your joint child? If so why shouldn't he do the same for his other child when their mother is struggling?
I don't think it's your responsibility to take on but it is definitely your DHs.

You're all a big blended family now and will be in each others lives probably forever. So just do what you can, it's a new baby and that is really hard.
How you play things now, in a time of need, will come back to you for better or worse so put your compassionate hat on and suck it up a bit.