Exes new baby isn't our problem?

[purplejeansandbiscoff]

My husbands ex partner has recently had a new baby around two months ago with her (now ex) partner. Her and my husband share two children late primary age.

Since her and her ex partner split she has been asking me and DH for a lot of help with things ranging from asking us to stop and pick up nappies / formula / bits of groceries like bread for her house on our way to pick up or drop off DSC to asking us to have DSC a lot more because she's tired.

I work part time around our joint child and she has asked me multiple times in the last few weeks to take DSC to school because she's had no sleep or collect them from their hobby on her nights and drop them back off with her, things like that.

I've said to DH it's getting too much now, we have DSC 50% of the time as it is, I'm trying to parent my own toddler, he's working full time and honestly I just don't see what problem it is of ours that she's tired / had no sleep / doesn't want to go and get her own nappies. I've tried to be patient because I know it's tough with a newborn but she's just text DH again and asked if I can swing by for DSC in the morning and drop them at school on my way to take DD to nursery because baby has a cold and she's not been getting any sleep.

Aibu to say no and stop doing these things now. She should be asking the child's father for help not us imo. For context, her and DH historically don't even get along that well, it goes through patches of muddling along okay but she has always been demanding and there have been some really horrible times between them in the past.

Glad you ‘pointed’ that out, Cornflakes 😂. Sorry, couldn’t resist!

Because they are her husband's kids. It shouldn't be OP's problem but certainly her husband's to at least look after his own kids.

Tbh I just think from reading this tread, too much is lumped on women in general. We take on too much of the load and expect too little from men. The OP's husband would expect his ex to do more if he had a new baby. I see threads like that all the time, and he's not even the one who is physically recovering.

FWIW I am a single mum but I had a lot of help from family when my DC was born and think I wouldn't have coped at all on my own even though I'm normally a very independent and capable person. I had a lot of physical issues afterwards which made every day life hard, and from what I understand they're pretty common. Yes lots of women do it in the UK and the USA, but it would have been brutal. I don't think the woman in question is being lazy, she just needs some temporary respite. Not OP's responsibility but at least her DH could help for the sake of his kids wellbeing.

He already does his fair share and looks after them 50% of the time, including school runs. When he doesn't have them, he needs to be at work, as does OP without rushing around constantly.

She already gets a break from her older children for 50% of the time which is more than many single mums get. They've also helped for 2 months which is more than enough.

But it’s in now way OP’s job to help. The ex has to find her own help if she can’t cope with her own DC on her own time. Being single doesn’t mean OP is any more bound to help her; it’s her own issue, no one else’s.

The father of the OP's SC does his fair share.....it's odd that you seem to be more focused on the dad who is doing his bit whilst ignoring completely the father of the ex's baby. If the ex can't cope then she needs to ask HIM for help not someone with no biological connection to the baby.

I think I’ve walked into the twilight zone. Why on earth should op and her DH jump every time his ex-wife clicks her fingers. Sure, they can help out from time to time, or in an actual emergency- but this is not that at all. It is excessive and she is absolutely taking the mickey. I bet she COULD do these things- it might not be fun, it might even be jolly hard, but lots of people do just have to get on with things in similar situations. Is suspect she just prefers not to and it’s easier to get OP’s DH (or more specifically OP) to jump to her tune. It’s worked so far, because they have been accommodating up until now. If they don’t put boundaries in place, nothing will change and probably will worsen. To be clear, I’m not saying the OP’s DH should never help out his ex, of course he should, but this is too much.

OP’s husband’s ex-wife has no right to demand anything from OP. She can ask for extra support with her older children from their father- but there are still limits on that when there is shared custody, and she can’t go around making last minute demands because OP and her DH have their own lives/ work/ responsibilities etc. It is not their responsibility to mitigate the impact of her having a baby and becoming a single mother. If she genuinely cannot cope, then perhaps a longer term solution needs to be looked at, where the 50/50 custody is revisited (with all the implications, including financial, that go with that), If not, she needs to respect that Op and her husband do have commitments of their own and cannot just drop everything whenever it suits her and be mindful of that. She needs to find other support systems.

Additionally, her baby’s father is still in the picture, even though they are not together. So why can he not help? OP says the excuse given is because he works. So does OP and her DH. So why is she asking them to do things for her, but not him? I don’t mean with school run for the older children or collecting from hobbies- I mean caring for the baby to allow her to rest so she can do the things she needs to, or go out to collect her children or even do some shopping (though surely she could use home delivery if she genuinely feels unable to get out). It’s not right to demand the father of one child to do more, but not the father of the other.

I thought this too. There seems to be no obligation on the baby's father, or the baby's grandparents. Just the ex husband and his wife! Odd

I don’t mind helping anyone (as long as they’re not taking advantage and are in genuine need), but it’s her impoliteness and entitlement that would really get to me.

However, there is no getting away from the fact that the 5 year old is your husband’s son, and if she is struggling, it could very easily have a negative impact on him.

If her parents can’t help her, I would help her to a degree but on a short term basis and kindly but firmly make her aware of that.

Always a good thing to look at the bigger picture and long term, to see how things can affect things.

I wonder if she actually asked OP's husband to do it or if her husband is shifting responsibility on OP's back

edit: I just saw latest response... I agree her asking could OP do it, isn't nice, but it also isn't nice that husband don't do school runs of his children if ex can't.

It seems to be

Ex's parents can't do it because they work = that's ok
Baby's dad can't do it because he works = that's ok
OP's DH can't do it because he works = not ideal but ok
Op can't do it because she works = how selfish, she should at least try to help out for the sake of the SC.

As you say, odd.

He can't do it because he's at work. He does the school runs when he has the kids which is arranged with work, it obviously isn't arranged when she is supposed to have the kids.

Thread has been picked up by Bored Panda 🙄😅

https://www.boredpanda.com/helping-husband-ex-baby/?cexpid=116695&cexppvar=3&f=homepageefeatured

The two DSC are late primary age as stated in the OP. There is no 5 year old.
The OP and her DH have been very accommodating so far. Picking up and dropping the 2 children off in the last 2 months. This is over and above the 50% that they are with their dad. Dad has totally stepped up and is ex is demanding more!

The number of people on this thread implying that if OP's DH won't parent properly then it's on OP to smile philosophically, murmur 'A woman's work is never done!' and uncomplainingly pick up the slack. Because, well, y'know, she's a woman so she should accept men are shit and want to pick up the slack for the kids' sake. And the ex (who appears entirely unencumbered by any such noble motives herself) is counting on OP to feel this way and fall into line, if you ask me.

If OP were male I'd be willing to put money on it that precisely no one would be taking this line. The thread is giving gender expectation in spades.

It sounds like you’ve been doing a lot to help, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling overwhelmed. But I actually feel bad for DSC – they’re probably picking up on your resentment, and that’s not fair on them. It’s okay to set boundaries, but maybe finding a way to do so without it impacting DSC too much would help. Their mum is likely struggling, but that doesn’t mean all the pressure should fall on you. Do what feels right for your family, but try to keep DSC at the heart of it ❤️💪.

I'm amazed by some less than generous comments on here. Yr dh is the father of these 2 children and he does have shared responsibility for them. You can certainly set some ground rules regarding support but these are his children and their welfare should be paramount

They have them 50/50 , on the mums week it is her responsibility to deal with them . The dad already organises his shifts to take them to school in his 50% . Yes they are his kids but if the mum no longer wants to look after them because she has a baby then she needs to give him 100% and pay him maintenance .

Absolutely this. OP and her DH have organised their lives around their current arrangement of 50/50 custody. Her DH does do the school runs/hobby pick ups and so on when he has his DC (I.e. 50% of the time)- as per that arrangement. I don’t see why it’s so surprising that he cannot change his working arrangements at short notice, repeatedly, during times he is not supposed to be caring for his children.

If his ex would like to change their custody arrangement more permanently, then she needs to discuss that with them. What she should not do is expect them to be at her beck and call in order to ferry the children around as and when it suits her during HER agreed custody times. During those times, the children are HER responsibility and it is up to HER to make suitable arrangements if she is unable to fulfil those responsibilities. For example, she could ask the father of her baby to provide support to care for their shared baby, thus allowing her time rest and therefore be able to collect her children from school when they are staying with her. Or he could rearrange work to care for his baby at the time of the school run, thus allowing her to take her children to school when it is her responsibility to do so. Her custody time = her responsibility to look after the children. Not his, except in a genuine emergency (e.g. her car has broken down and she’s stuck; a medical emergency; her parents being unwell or involved in an accident, that sort of thing).

Which is what most of MN say when a female poster isn’t happy about the father wanting to unilaterally change custody agreement for whatever reason- the answer is always “during their custody time, it’s up to them to sort out care/school run/whatever else, if they aren’t able to do it themselves”. I have no idea why it’s different in this situation.

The way some people post, you’d think he never does anything. He IS an involved parent but he cannot just drop everything, on little notice, at his ex-wife’s demand.

I understood from the post that the DH usually has his kids less than 50% of the time and it's only now the ex has a new baby he's temporarily having them 50% and OP is saying that's too much.

I don't think the ex should be asking the OP's DH for help with her new baby, but doing 50% of the time with his own kids is surely totally reasonable especially if it's needed.

OP very clearly says ''we have them 50% of the time as it is''. She is talking about having them on top of the 50%.