Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exes new baby isn't our problem?

545 replies

purplejeansandbiscoff · 02/02/2025 18:34

My husbands ex partner has recently had a new baby around two months ago with her (now ex) partner. Her and my husband share two children late primary age.

Since her and her ex partner split she has been asking me and DH for a lot of help with things ranging from asking us to stop and pick up nappies / formula / bits of groceries like bread for her house on our way to pick up or drop off DSC to asking us to have DSC a lot more because she's tired.

I work part time around our joint child and she has asked me multiple times in the last few weeks to take DSC to school because she's had no sleep or collect them from their hobby on her nights and drop them back off with her, things like that.

I've said to DH it's getting too much now, we have DSC 50% of the time as it is, I'm trying to parent my own toddler, he's working full time and honestly I just don't see what problem it is of ours that she's tired / had no sleep / doesn't want to go and get her own nappies. I've tried to be patient because I know it's tough with a newborn but she's just text DH again and asked if I can swing by for DSC in the morning and drop them at school on my way to take DD to nursery because baby has a cold and she's not been getting any sleep.

Aibu to say no and stop doing these things now. She should be asking the child's father for help not us imo. For context, her and DH historically don't even get along that well, it goes through patches of muddling along okay but she has always been demanding and there have been some really horrible times between them in the past.

OP posts:
DragonFly98 · 02/02/2025 19:49

Stepmum2111 · 02/02/2025 18:55

Got the same problem with ex having new baby but you obviously live nearby. DSC live 25 miles away in the opposite direction (ex‘s choice to be near her family and back in home town) to our jobs bringing an extra hour on to commute and travelling to work in peak commuting time plus no after school care so pick up at 16:00.
We aren’t asked nicely or in advance. DP gets screaming voice messages at midday telling him what a shit father he is and that he doesn’t do anything and then she says she will leave DSC at the front door, whether someone is there or not. It can take us up to an hour to get back from our jobs because of traffic.
And it’s not your problem. I presume you didn’t ask to have DSC less when you had your baby and also the ex made the decisions that she did like having another baby.

Kind of fair enough she needed the support of her family now she doesn’t have their father at home.

Tractorsanddiggers · 02/02/2025 19:49

I see your point but a single mum to an 8 week old and 2 primary children sounds incredibly difficult

Moonshine5 · 02/02/2025 19:50

To preface this all I would help a struggling new mum for a few months even if it was a neighbour.

Person1234 · 02/02/2025 19:50

Your husband should be doing more for his children.

murraymcgill · 02/02/2025 19:51

@purplejeansandbiscoff she really isn't your problem if you look after the kids when there in your care your doing plenty

GoldFishPocketWatch · 02/02/2025 19:52

I am very curious about the replies on this thread and who has any experience of step parenting or blending families. There are some very particular dynamics at play here. OP is being asked to take on a large amount of care for children who she has no parental responsibility over. There is no reason at all why the DSC mum won't revert to being difficult when it suits, then where does that leave OP?

There is also OP's DC. Changes to contact patterns can have an impact on younger DC, too. For example, younger DC may get used to having SDC around more and be devastated when DSC mum decides she's having them back again more. Or wants several weeks with them to make up for lost time or whatever.

It's best to be boundaried and consistent about these things. Especially when you have a younger child who is your first priority.

Unfortunately I've learned this the hard way.

PassingStranger · 02/02/2025 19:54

REDB99 · 02/02/2025 19:01

Your DH needs to offer more to support getting his kids to school, it’s his responsibility just as much as their mum’s. He should have his own children stay with him more at this time as it’s very clear that having an 8 week old and two other children is pretty tough for a single mother. You need to talk to him about his responsibilities in this.

Why do people keep.having children?

Neodymium · 02/02/2025 19:55

REDB99 · 02/02/2025 19:01

Your DH needs to offer more to support getting his kids to school, it’s his responsibility just as much as their mum’s. He should have his own children stay with him more at this time as it’s very clear that having an 8 week old and two other children is pretty tough for a single mother. You need to talk to him about his responsibilities in this.

If this was the other way round and the dad had a new baby and needed his older kids to go to their mums more to cope everyone would be piling on him saying he chose to have another baby and he can’t just shove his other children aside.

suppose it’s ‘different’ when it’s the mum with a new baby not wanting to be a parent to her existing children.

also op says that they have dsc 50% so presumably they are doing 50% of the school runs. Not sure why more than 50% is their responsibility.

ruethewhirl · 02/02/2025 19:55

Tractorsanddiggers · 02/02/2025 19:49

I see your point but a single mum to an 8 week old and 2 primary children sounds incredibly difficult

Her choice, her responsibility. It might be tough but the older DC didn't ask for their sibling to be born.

NancyJoan · 02/02/2025 19:55

Your DH needs to step up and have his kids a bit more. That doesn’t mean you need to be ferrying them out, but he needs to make changes at work so he can have them a bit more.

CovertPiggery · 02/02/2025 19:56

Errors · 02/02/2025 19:31

I would love to read an AI generated overall picture of responses on this thread. You know like they do for Amazon reviews? It’d be something like

“posters are saying that the OP should be a kind arsehole and help the struggling newly single mom by refusing to buy her nappies and having the step DC all the time. The dad’s job needs to change and also the other dad’s job needs to change and the OP’s job needs to change and they should all move in together so that they can get on when everyone has moved out”

I was bored 😁

Overall, the consensus leans towards the idea that while maintaining amicable relations is important, the OP and her partner are not obligated to take on childcare responsibilities for the ex-wife's new baby. Clear communication and setting boundaries are deemed essential to navigate this situation effectively.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 02/02/2025 19:57

Nope, not your problem. She has to work it out herself.

LAMPS1 · 02/02/2025 19:58

A really difficult situation, let’s hope it’s only temporary.
The thing is, if she is suffering on her own with the baby and getting little sleep, your poor DSC will also be really confused and suffering which in turn means trouble for all of you.

It might be more prudent to think of it as helping the DSC rather than helping her out.

You could discuss with your DH what he could do to help the situation for the sake of his children and if at all possible with your schedule, you could offer extra school runs for the next couple of weeks if you wanted to.
I really don’t think she should be asking you to run shopping errands for her though. That seems very cheeky. She can ask her own family or the baby’s dad to do that.
YANBU.

ruethewhirl · 02/02/2025 19:58

Whyherewego · 02/02/2025 19:49

This is what I'm wondering ! Why is everyone talking about what OP and DH could be doing rather than the new baby's actual father ! He should be helping the mum to cope with the baby

Show quote history

Unless I misread OP's first post, she's split from the father?

TheTealLemur · 02/02/2025 19:59

What do you think her response would be if you asked her to do any of these favours for DH, OP? There’s your answer.

YANBU at all. I’d probably make up excuses rather than tell her to sort herself out though.

ArtTheClown · 02/02/2025 19:59

Your children and her children are siblings. That's what happens when you marry someone with children.

The OPs child is not related to the new baby in any way.

And the OP is not responsible for her DH ex's poor life choices and unwise pregnancy.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 02/02/2025 19:59

Sapienza · 02/02/2025 19:32

It sounds like your DH is unwilling to step up for his children. You have a DH problem.

Nope sounds like the ex can’t cope with her own children. Pathetic.

She wanted more kids, she deals with that.

Bleachbum · 02/02/2025 20:00

Reframe it into thinking you’re helping the DSC out as they have a mum who is struggling. Not you helping her out.

Floralnomad · 02/02/2025 20:00

ruethewhirl · 02/02/2025 19:58

Unless I misread OP's first post, she's split from the father?

Show quote history

That doesn’t mean he can just negate all responsibility for his baby . The baby wasn’t made by the OP or her husband .

BrendaSmall · 02/02/2025 20:00

purplejeansandbiscoff · 02/02/2025 18:52

No we haven't had a good relationship in the past. I'm at the 'grin and bear' her stage now because the kids are getting a bit older and the need for close contact has (until now) dwindled slightly in the last year or so but none of us our each other's best mates.

Having DSC more isn't necessarily a problem but I do find it annoying that the responsibility then becomes mine because DH works early mornings so I'm the one left doing school runs for a woman who is not really anything to do with me.

And no, she didn't do anything extra when we had our DD which I'd never have expected of her anyway!

Dad is around but works a lot i think. Her parents are also close by but they also work Monday- Friday.

Having DSC more isn't necessarily a problem but I do find it annoying that the responsibility then becomes mine because DH works early mornings so I'm the one left doing school runs for a woman who is not really anything to do with me

when you take on a partner with children, then you’re accepting the child to, so you then take on responsibility of the child, !!

obviously this doesn’t include the new baby as it’s not your partner’s bany

ArtTheClown · 02/02/2025 20:00

It sounds like your DH is unwilling to step up for his children. You have a DH problem.

No, the DH does his 50% of the responsibility and then some. It's not his fault his daft ex had another baby in an unstable situation and then couldn't cope with her existing children.

Whyherewego · 02/02/2025 20:01

ruethewhirl · 02/02/2025 19:58

Unless I misread OP's first post, she's split from the father?

Show quote history

Yes but he has a responsibility still towards the new baby. Just like DH has responsibility towards OPs DSC.
I'm just saying it's odd that they are the only ones being asked to help regarding the new baby. The baby father still could and should be helping ...even if it's just paying for maintenance so she can afford to buy nappies

SouthLondonMum22 · 02/02/2025 20:01

ruethewhirl · 02/02/2025 19:58

Unless I misread OP's first post, she's split from the father?

Show quote history

So? He is still the baby's father.

Mumof2girls2121 · 02/02/2025 20:01

I don’t think you are being unreasonable or reasonable, just maybe be kind, she’s just had a break up and a baby in 8 weeks.
Maybe their father should step up and take his kids more at this point for their well being if not the mother.

MaggieMistletoe · 02/02/2025 20:01

I've had 5 children with DH working away a lot. Never once asked anybody to buy nappies for me. Has she never heard of amazon next day delivery? Never got down to the last one without realising I needed to pick up my phone and click a couple of buttons to have them at my door next day. I'm sure she's exhausted but seems a bit weak to run out of nappies.