Exes new baby isn't our problem?

[purplejeansandbiscoff]

My husbands ex partner has recently had a new baby around two months ago with her (now ex) partner. Her and my husband share two children late primary age.

Since her and her ex partner split she has been asking me and DH for a lot of help with things ranging from asking us to stop and pick up nappies / formula / bits of groceries like bread for her house on our way to pick up or drop off DSC to asking us to have DSC a lot more because she's tired.

I work part time around our joint child and she has asked me multiple times in the last few weeks to take DSC to school because she's had no sleep or collect them from their hobby on her nights and drop them back off with her, things like that.

I've said to DH it's getting too much now, we have DSC 50% of the time as it is, I'm trying to parent my own toddler, he's working full time and honestly I just don't see what problem it is of ours that she's tired / had no sleep / doesn't want to go and get her own nappies. I've tried to be patient because I know it's tough with a newborn but she's just text DH again and asked if I can swing by for DSC in the morning and drop them at school on my way to take DD to nursery because baby has a cold and she's not been getting any sleep.

Aibu to say no and stop doing these things now. She should be asking the child's father for help not us imo. For context, her and DH historically don't even get along that well, it goes through patches of muddling along okay but she has always been demanding and there have been some really horrible times between them in the past.

Better an arsehole than a doormat, if that’s the case.

She isn’t responsible for her stepchildren’s mother’s problems, and nor is she responsible for her stepchildren. They have two parents, and OP is neither.

If it was on my way, I would take your step child to school. I would prioritise that child because I can imagine home life with the mother is a bit strained and chaotic at the moment.

Regarding the groceries, easily fixed by getting a quick Tesco or Deliveroo order so I would mention that to her in case she isn’t aware.

No, this isn’t your responsibility but if you are able, it would be the decent thing to do.

@purplejeansandbiscoff

I think if it didn't inconvenience me or cost me money I might be inclined to 'help' a bit. If dropping DSC off at school is in route to nursery (or a couple blocks out the way) I wouldn't have a problem, on occasion. If it was in the opposite direction or a mile of my way, then no. And I certainly wouldn't do the school run on my days off.

As far as picking things up for her, again, if it didn't discommode me or take me out of the way I wouldn't mind an occasional quick 5-10 minute stop at a shop for ONE necessary item, but she better have the cash to pay me when I to got her house. And I wouldn't be doing 'shopping' for her even if it was just bread, milk and eggs. And again, not every time.

I wonder what she thinks others do when they have a small baby. Does she think everyone has someone at their beck and call? Most of us just got on with it.

I'm not saying you should though. If it doesn't work for you or she's a real pisstaker then just say no. If your DH wants to run her errands, that's up to him.

Going against the grain and if you have reached your limit you can say no I am not able to, no need for judgement or excuses. You have helped when you can and now you are not available.

Your partner then sorts it out with her.

Nah, I’d be a doormat all day long.

100%

She should be welcomed to the real world - she decided to have the baby, she can sort it without asking her ex-husband's partner for help!!

I would love to read an AI generated overall picture of responses on this thread. You know like they do for Amazon reviews? It’d be something like

“posters are saying that the OP should be a kind arsehole and help the struggling newly single mom by refusing to buy her nappies and having the step DC all the time. The dad’s job needs to change and also the other dad’s job needs to change and the OP’s job needs to change and they should all move in together so that they can get on when everyone has moved out”

Hang on a minute - if a step mum finds it hard to cope with her new baby AND the Stepkids, she gets annihilated on MN, and told she must ensure the Stepkids don’t feel pushed out, no matter what the needs of the new baby.

Yet somehow it’s fine for a bio mum to have her older children elsewhere for a while, til she gets sorted with the new baby. Isn’t that a double standard????

It sounds like your DH is unwilling to step up for his children. You have a DH problem.

I feel for her, she's been left with a new baby on her own, with hardly any support with 2 older children, I know you and your DH have the older children as well but I can't imagine not helping her out even if I didn't like her.
I do agree it shouldn't ALL be left down to you but put yourself in the same situation, I'm sure you'd be glad of the help.

Lol. Rather you than me!

Just tell DH to reply that you're not able to help tomorrow.

Single parenting is tough, but her 2 older dc are not there 50% of the time. So it really shouldn't be too hard. She needs to be more organised in terms of getting shopping/ nappies delivered.

For those blaming OP's DH - he has his children 50% of the time as agreed. This situation is not DH's problem. The new baby is not his responsibility.

It sounds like this woman has been difficult in the past as well.

OP - don't put yourself out to make her life easier. You have your own dc and job.

I think it will make everyone's life better in the long term if you help out a bit here.

this!

He's stepping up for his own children. He's not stepping up for another man's child.
What if this woman goes on to have 2 or 3 more dc with useless men? Should OP's DH keep 'stepping up?'

It really doesn't work like that. What if they lived an hour away, she'd have to get on with it then wouldn't she?

Very difficult.

I'd be inclined to do it on this occasion, since the baby is tiny and the dad has done a runner, but send a message saying can x and y be ready at [whatever time] as it'll be quite a rush for me to get to work on time.

It's difficult because if her and your dh fall out, then his access to his children could be compromised by a difficult relationship. They aren't quite old enough to really know too much different to what their mum says.

8 weeks and she just went through a break up? i get not wanting to start habits, but i would be inclined to help with small things if it benefitted my kids. she must be at her wits end.

YANBU. She needs to be able to start managing and I certainly wouldn't be running around buying nappies for her.

Start saying no and stick to it. This is her third child, she knows how often she needs to buy nappies for a two month old.

She only has her older kids half the week, she can handle half the school runs even if she’s tired or the baby has a cold.

The people telling you to #bekind and pander to her would be telling a step mum with a new baby that she was a heartless monster if she wanted to see her step kids less and to suck it up. These are this woman’s actual kids and she’s taking the piss leaning on you when you have a toddler of your own, your step kids more than 50/50 and your job.

She won’t adapt unless she has to and she can start getting used to it now, or find other doormats to do her shopping and school runs for her. She knew what babies were like. She knew what she was getting into.

Depressing.
Where is the dad and his family. Dosent he have parents who are interested in their gc.
Neighbours/friends.

Would I help a new mum for a few months who appears to be in struggling even if I hated her? Yes probably I would. Especially given her partner has left her. I don't consider myself particularly kind or giving - I think it would be the right course of action. But that's me, you do you.

Assuming that you are happy having your SC more just get your husband to tell her that he will have the kids full time until she can cope and she can pay him child maintenance accordingly. Unless of course your husband wants to keep helping her out in which case he can be inconvenienced and do it , not you .

Not doing it wouldn't make OP an arsehole. Her new child isn't a sibling to OP's child. When the traffic is bad, OP is worried that she will be late for work after dropping off her step-children. She has already helped a lot.

This is what I'm wondering ! Why is everyone talking about what OP and DH could be doing rather than the new baby's actual father ! He should be helping the mum to cope with the baby