Exes new baby isn't our problem?

[purplejeansandbiscoff]

My husbands ex partner has recently had a new baby around two months ago with her (now ex) partner. Her and my husband share two children late primary age.

Since her and her ex partner split she has been asking me and DH for a lot of help with things ranging from asking us to stop and pick up nappies / formula / bits of groceries like bread for her house on our way to pick up or drop off DSC to asking us to have DSC a lot more because she's tired.

I work part time around our joint child and she has asked me multiple times in the last few weeks to take DSC to school because she's had no sleep or collect them from their hobby on her nights and drop them back off with her, things like that.

I've said to DH it's getting too much now, we have DSC 50% of the time as it is, I'm trying to parent my own toddler, he's working full time and honestly I just don't see what problem it is of ours that she's tired / had no sleep / doesn't want to go and get her own nappies. I've tried to be patient because I know it's tough with a newborn but she's just text DH again and asked if I can swing by for DSC in the morning and drop them at school on my way to take DD to nursery because baby has a cold and she's not been getting any sleep.

Aibu to say no and stop doing these things now. She should be asking the child's father for help not us imo. For context, her and DH historically don't even get along that well, it goes through patches of muddling along okay but she has always been demanding and there have been some really horrible times between them in the past.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. But, I'd cut her some slack. She's navigating a newborn on her own after going through a breakup. I think asking you to pick up nappies and groceries is a bit cheeky, but helping out a bit more with DSC in the short term (like you already have been) might go along way to building bridges in the future.

If the DSC are late primary age you've still got another 8-9 years of having contact with this woman. Not to mention joint events like graduations, weddings, christenings etc when the DSC are adults.

I've been where you are, and at the time it really pissed me off. But, I grinned and bared it whilst venting to my mum. It did really help with relations with the ex in the future. She appreciated that we'd gone the extra mile and was a lot more amenable when we needed. DSD is an adult now, so our contact is minimal but we're pleasant and friendly at joint events.

Good grief, say no. The cheek of it! From your post it sounds like the child isn't even your partner's?

It is out of my way by about 10 minutes but when the traffic is bad it can add up and I end up rushing to my own job.

Shouldn't she be asking for favours from the actual parents of these children, not expecting it from you?

The thing is it should be 50/50 and the school runs should be shared between parents

it partly becomes your responsibility becuase of your DH not her

the rest though is too much

I think its been VERY kind of you to run errands and so on for her but me personally I wouldn't of done it. I had a 2 year old then a newborn I did everything for myself husband or no husband as im 'miss independent' Also this could potentially cause your step child to feel a little jealous or resentful of new sibling because it sounds like hes constantly being 'palmed' off your direction by mum because shes 'tired' My only other thought is, is there another issue at hand here for example is she depressed /PND, has she developed a phobia of going out and hasn't voiced it these kinds of things. You sound like a lovely kind caring step mum the family are lucky to have you 🙂 x

DH does do school runs, but he's arranged his work based on the days he should usually be having the kids. Which is why he can't often do them when she asks at the last minute.

This

It may not be your problem now but it will absolutely become a problem should she become unable to cope. Surely your DH wants to act in the best interests of his children? That means trying to ensure their other parent is capable of looking after them safely.

This new baby is absolutely not your problem and it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. It is completely your call. If it were me (and I had capacity!) then I would help as it is your child's sibling and on a human level it sounds like a tough situation. But you need to put the needs of yourself first and if it is too much then don't help.

How tired is she? Is she asking you to take DSC to school because she's sufficiently tired that she doesn't feel safe driving in the morning? If so, I'd suck it up. With DC1, I was so tired that I started having hallucinations that I'd dropped them out of a window and would start crying really believing this (I've posted about this before). There was no way I would have been safe behind a wheel.

Can she get the kids to school without driving?

I assumed it would be something like that. So basically she should be asking him if he can pick up some slack with his own kids more and if he can, he should - it shouldn't be your responsibility. Similarly, the baby's dad should be helping with baby!

If your husband wants to pick his children up and take them to school. Nip to the shops and buy nappies etc then that’s absolutely his prerogative. However I would not be doing any extras for an ex that isn’t mine and children that also aren’t mine

Interesting reading the conflicting replies. While it's nice to show empathy, it also sounds like she's being taken for granted at this point. The child has a father and grandparents nearby. How many of us went through sleepless nights without so much help? I know that doesn't mean she deserves to struggle, but if it makes OP's life harder, who is helping her out?

But it's not HIM doing the work is it.

I'm the one left doing school runs for a woman who is not really anything to do with me.

would it help you to reframe it that you’re not doing it for her, but for the DSC who very much do have something to do with you. I guess it must be galling but it won’t be forever (hopefully).

And yes, where is the baby’s father in all this?

Thing is she is something to do with you.

Your children and her children are siblings. That's what happens when you marry someone with children.

You can be an arsehole if you want of course, but it would make her life a little easier, your step kids life a little easier, and she might remember the kindness.

There's also the risk that if she really isn't coping and ends up in real trouble you'll end up with your step kids a heck of a lot more.

In which case, you are absolutely right to say that it’s making you late for your own job and you can’t do it. It’s quite normal to be tired and fed up when you’ve got a sick small child but she’s off in between drop offs.

At least to the extent it is for the benefit of his children, I would say he should do it. Those children are his children 100% of the time, not just the 50% they are officially with you. I wouldn't be running round doing her shopping but school, clubs etc, yes I think he should do it as otherwise it's his children that suffer.

Cue all the 'it would be a nice thing to do' messages flying around. On threads like these they've become inevitable, not to mention predictable.

Some women are excellent at volunteering other women's time and energies in situations which don't affect them one iota. Whether they would be this eager to volunteer their own is less certain.

Yes it should be him.

I have a baby, a child and a DH. The DH leaves for work early every morning so I still have to take older child to school when I have had no sleep or baby has a cold etc. Like millions of other parents. It would be nice to have someone else to swing by and pick them up but that’s the reality of life. She can have a nap once she’s dropped kids off at school?

Very interesting take that OP would be an arsehole to not seemingly take on majority care of these children when actually there are 3 actual parents involved who apparently are not arseholes for palming them off.

Being a single mum with a newborn must be very stressful, but there are two dad's in this picture who could be adjusting their own schedules.

Knock this nonsense firmly on the head now, otherwise there will be no end to it.

You're not helping her, it may seem that way because she is the one asking. You are taking your husband's children to school.

Step kids 50 percent of the time? Your partner is responsible for 50 percent of their existence.