Exes new baby isn't our problem?

[purplejeansandbiscoff]

My husbands ex partner has recently had a new baby around two months ago with her (now ex) partner. Her and my husband share two children late primary age.

Since her and her ex partner split she has been asking me and DH for a lot of help with things ranging from asking us to stop and pick up nappies / formula / bits of groceries like bread for her house on our way to pick up or drop off DSC to asking us to have DSC a lot more because she's tired.

I work part time around our joint child and she has asked me multiple times in the last few weeks to take DSC to school because she's had no sleep or collect them from their hobby on her nights and drop them back off with her, things like that.

I've said to DH it's getting too much now, we have DSC 50% of the time as it is, I'm trying to parent my own toddler, he's working full time and honestly I just don't see what problem it is of ours that she's tired / had no sleep / doesn't want to go and get her own nappies. I've tried to be patient because I know it's tough with a newborn but she's just text DH again and asked if I can swing by for DSC in the morning and drop them at school on my way to take DD to nursery because baby has a cold and she's not been getting any sleep.

Aibu to say no and stop doing these things now. She should be asking the child's father for help not us imo. For context, her and DH historically don't even get along that well, it goes through patches of muddling along okay but she has always been demanding and there have been some really horrible times between them in the past.

absolutely this

Even when that's enabling the ex to sideline her two older children? Not sure I agree that's a fair precedent to set. Fair on the kids, I mean.

I'm baffled as to why the ex chose to have a third child tbh, she must have known life was going to get a lot harder bringing up three as a single mum (although not as hard as if she had 100% custody, let's be fair). The older two seem to be getting penalised for her choice at the moment.

Or their mother could just look after the kids she chose to have 50% of the time like OPs husband is doing? She's had a baby, not curing cancer worldwide on her own.

Of course, and he still has responsibilities towards his child. I just meant that the ex might be having difficulty getting him to step up.

Agree plus there are 2 men
The baby's father
The DSC father -her DH who should be stepping up before Op does
What an absolute cheek!

Which is a shame for her but doesn't mean that OP or her ex should step up instead. It isn't their responsibility.

Hmm it’s a hard one because on one hand you could say that it’s polite to help someone in the newborn stages… however, she will have to adjust to getting up out of bed regardless if the baby is ill or no sleep and do the school runs herself. I’d probably inch a bit more on the harsher side and agree with you OP.

Absolutely. I'm just wondering if he's honouring his responsibilities.

Where is the df and his family?

Polite?
Eh?
It's nothing to do with Op !

Id maybe cut some slack with helping with the sc. No way would i be buying her groceries though.

The only issue is the as long as you keep agreeing, it will become expected...

No, ex's new baby isn't your problem. But it is your DSCs 'problem'. And then therefore your child's 'problem' if their siblings are unhappy etc. It's important they have a happy home life and if short term help creates stability and a happy home for them, then it does sort of become your problem. Draw boundaries now which you are both happy with and stick to them, but be the bigger person here and don't deny help to someone who needs. Perhaps, agree a set day once per week where you can do a school run, but say you can't agree to last minute request because you have your own child and job? Agree to extra days but suggest this is only workable for X amount of weeks/months because it puts a lot of pressure on your schedule etc.

A one off for running out of nappies etc is OK. Regular requests are not. The baby has 2 parents to support it and neither are you or your dh.

However, supporting your dsc, absolutely reasonable for her to ask for help with them til she establishes a routine. The onus is on your dh, but doesn't stop being their dad just because it is "her days" with them.

Imagine how you would feel in her position and have some compassion.

And I say that as a step mum twice over.

Agreed. As much as I disagree with the ex potentially making her older DC feel pushed out, I'm just trying to figure out why she is struggling to this degree when she's only got 50% custody to start with, it could well mean her ex isn't stepping up. But I'm not saying it's OP's and her DH's problem - they're doing plenty.

So let the DSC suffer the consequences is your view. What a nasty mentality.

A good parent would step up and have his children more. For their sake, not the ex' s. None of this shit show is their fault.

It's not your problem. You do more than enough.

Then it’s up to him to sort it out, without dumping it on OP. Having compassion doesn’t require OP to accept responsibility for solving this woman’s problems.

We don't actually know she is struggling, we are are assuming this because she has a newborn (which can be a struggle for many of us) and she keeps asking for stuff.

She might just be chancing it for all we know.

One thing I'll mention here as I'm not sure it's been mentioned. It might not necessarily be in the SDC best interests to have the slack picked up by SM.

Unless there is a genuine struggle at mum's, they might feel a bit pushed out by their mum by SM doing stuff DM normally does. Ideally they should get the attention from a parent otherwise they might feel a bit second best.

YANBU. You have enough to deal with, your own child and SC 50% of the time. Yes, she's a single mother with a young baby and sometimes that can be shit, but plenty of us cope. She has a baby who has a father, responsibility for helping out falls with him (or his family), not you. I hate the way women are always supposed to pick up the slack, make sacrifices. Also if it was man complaining about having a new baby with his partner and was now struggling to deal with the children he already had, we know what the MN faithful would be saying.

Because they want them?? It’s hardly the children’s fault, is it, if it all goes wrong?

Why? The OP isn't the mother of any of these children. The DH is and there's also another father so they need to help support their own children. Why does OP have to reframe anything? The ex chose to have more children. That's on her if she's struggling.

It's easy enough to order online with her weekly shop. You can even order groceries on Uber eats just eat and Tesco Whoosh. Why doesn't she ask the childs father for help? It's her responsibility to make sure she has enough nappies and milk for her child. Does she give you the money back when you get stuff for her?

Wild that only a few weeks ago a step mum got flamed for asking her step kids mum to have the kids for a couple more days after she had given birth but it’s fine on this one for the dad and step mum to have them extra days to accommodate the mum 🤔

I would talk to the kids and see how they feeling at mums and go from there. Your DH needs to have a chat with her, she’s now a single mum regardless so is going to have to figure out what her new normal is

If your husband can facilitate any extra time or pick ups/drop offs for his children and wants to then fine, I personally wouldn't be doing anything to help a person that had been disrespectful to myself. This is her third child, she isn't a new 1st time mother, she knows what it's about and she has the benefit of 50:50 so has more than enough times to organise the shopping so she's stocked up.
She also has her own family and the father of the new baby to ask for help if she needs it.

You are right, this isn't your problem at all, you're already doing enough.

Still not the OP's problem, if the OP gives in to her demands now they'll never stop, there'll always be something else.