DD making me feel awful as I can't go to her sporting event

[Claina]

DD is 21, she is a college athlete studying in the US, she loves her sport and has aspirations (and potential) to go pro. I have 2 young children who are 4 and 2, they have a different dad to DD.
When DD was a teenager I gave up everything for her sport, I home schooled her, I took her to training, I travelled all over the world for her to compete. Once she was 16 this died down a lot as she was able to handle more of the travel herself and that is when I realised that I had given up so much of my 30s and wanted more children (I was 23 when I had DD).
Until now my younger children haven't been school age so I have gone out to the US 2/3 times a year to see the most important competitions. In the summer I have gone to see the non uni related comps too.
Next week is the start of one of the most important competitions to DD, I can't go as it's not a school holiday and my 4 year old has school. There is another in May which I also can't go to.

Last night I facetimed DD and we were talking about it and she asked if I was coming in May and I said I was really sorry but I couldn't. She started crying and hung up, when I messaged her I asked if she was okay and she said yeah, but she feels like I don't care about her anymore now I have more children and that her boyfriend of 8 months is going to the tournament but i'm not and that makes her feel crap. I asked if her dad would be there and she said he is coming to the one next week but can't come to the may one.

I feel awful and I'm really proud of DD but I can't just drop everything for her now, I did for years and now I need to prioritise my younger children like I did for her for years.

AIBU not going? AIBU to think DD is being selfish expecting me to drop everything now, when she is an adult?

I voted the wrong way sorry you really are NOT being unreasonable. She's had a lot of support and sounds rather ungrateful for the opportunities she's had that you've had to make a lot of sacrifices for. It's the turn of the younger children to have their needs met now and so she needs to buck up and stop having a tantrum!

You didn't prioritise her over your other children, you didn't have other children back then.

You can't blame her for the choices you made when raising her, and you certainly can't blame her for having needs and claim a gold medal for catering to them! She's your child!

You now have to prioritise your younger children and, for you, that leaves no room to support your eldest. Maybe you can't get their dad to take care of your younger children whilst you fly out for a few days. Maybe that's just the way it is. Wait, why can't you do that again? Is he utterly useless?

She may be an adult but she’s feeling pushed away now by your younger children. She’s seeing this as abandonment. Could you review the completion schedule with her. Decide how many trips you the US is feasible and pencil these in. Could your Partner not do the school runs, etc for a few days ?

He can't take time off and we have no one to look after our 2 year old while he works.

Just reassure her. She's used to very hands on support from you and it's vanished. Tell her you care as much as ever, you are massively proud and longing for her to do well. Ask her not to mistake you having less time with less love. You have more commitments now, and she must appreciate that you have to put the needs of your young children before your own desire to see her compete, just as when she was young, you put her needs before your own.

She can't ask or expect you to be a less good mother to her siblings than she was to you. Explain your time is in very short supply but your love and your desire for her to do well is as strong as ever.

She needs to grow up and accept this.

Leave the 4 year old with their dad and go see her?

She’s being daft and you’re absolutely not being unreasonable.

I do wonder if her massive overreaction is a sign that she’s generally a bit unhappy/homesick though.

Why can’t you make arrangements to go in May , even fly in and straight back ?
The father of your younger children can surely cover for a few days ?

Even if it’s West Coast USA , while tiring can be done in 3-4 days .
I have done that a few times for different reasons .

my DD is the same age and I wouldn’t hesitate to do this .

You can easily change your vote by clicking on the one you actually want.

I'd say this probably isn't about the competition but generally how she feels with your new family set up and her being out of sight out of mind even if she decided to go to the US herself. She's probably a bit homesick and feeling disconnected.

YANBU not flying to the US though, that's a massive ask in the first place but perhaps you could book some time just you and DD somewhere in the summer for a week

Can’t you take the 2yr old? Sounds like a lovely trip if you can afford it, some alone time with the 2yr old and they can spend a little time with their older sister.

Surely when she chose to live in an another country, many hours flight away, she realised that family could not be at every occasion both financially and timewise?

She is a senior now so the May one is her last big competition before graduation.

DP is a teacher so can't take time off during term time and we would have no one to look after our 2 year old. There is also no breakfast or after school club at DS' school so that would be very difficult too.

Can’t you take your 2 year old with you and leave the 4 year old with their father then?

I don’t believe you are in the wrong in anyway.

But I can see how it might look/feel to her.

Shes 21. She’s old enough for an open and honest conversation. Tell her what you did here.

Bit you are choosing your younger children over her.

I'm not saying it's the wrong choice but it is the facts.

Do your younger children not have a father who could look after them?

She clearly wants you there. If I were you I would donwhat I could tonat least be at 1 of them.

Also assuming you are in the UK compulsory school age is the term after they turn 5 so if your eldest is 4 you camnremove from school without fines.

She’s in college there, so may not have realised the enormity of being in living in the US at age 18. Then she had a Mum that spent a lot of time with her.

Do you have other family who could help for a couple of days? If that's not possible then I agree with the poster upthread that you tell her you do not love her any less, you just cannot be there in person for this.

can you take both little ones with you - the four year old likely doesn't 'need' to be in school? Bit of a trek, but possible?

The issue with going and taking just my toddler is we struggle with school run. She graduates in June and I am doing that then but we have had to ask friends to help with school run for the week and it's not feasible to do it 2 times in the space of 4 weeks.

I don't know if this is relevant to your situation or helpful at all, but IF the only thing stopping you is your 4yo at school, do they legally have to attend?

We had an important family birthday celebration when our DS was 4 and, because he wasn't yet old enough that he had to be at school, we were able to take him out for a week without any issues. The school might not have liked it, but we were perfectly within our rights.

She could well be feeling left out, new family, new kids, mum no longer coming to watch her compete, she's wondering where she fits in your life. They're not instantly grown up at 21. Did you think to give her a heads up this was coming so she'd be mentally prepared or just last minute?

Take the 2 year old with you.

DH sorts out the 4 year old, there are plenty of teachers that have to do the school run and nip to their own school afterwards. You can get a childminder / friend / private nursery that does breakfast club and school drop offs.

If the May one is her last one you should go it's a big deal. When will her graduation be? Because you have to make time for that too

Is she intending to move back home after graduation? She is probably wondering how she fits into your new life. Does she have a bedroom waiting etc?

It's quite a way until May still, is it possible husband can take annual leave?

I think I’d go. You’re not unreasonable for not wanting to go , but as she’s a senior, it’s the last chance. That’s possibly why she’s upset. Logistics are stopping you but I’d try to find a way round if I could.