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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD making me feel awful as I can't go to her sporting event

289 replies

Claina · 02/02/2025 09:23

DD is 21, she is a college athlete studying in the US, she loves her sport and has aspirations (and potential) to go pro. I have 2 young children who are 4 and 2, they have a different dad to DD.
When DD was a teenager I gave up everything for her sport, I home schooled her, I took her to training, I travelled all over the world for her to compete. Once she was 16 this died down a lot as she was able to handle more of the travel herself and that is when I realised that I had given up so much of my 30s and wanted more children (I was 23 when I had DD).
Until now my younger children haven't been school age so I have gone out to the US 2/3 times a year to see the most important competitions. In the summer I have gone to see the non uni related comps too.
Next week is the start of one of the most important competitions to DD, I can't go as it's not a school holiday and my 4 year old has school. There is another in May which I also can't go to.

Last night I facetimed DD and we were talking about it and she asked if I was coming in May and I said I was really sorry but I couldn't. She started crying and hung up, when I messaged her I asked if she was okay and she said yeah, but she feels like I don't care about her anymore now I have more children and that her boyfriend of 8 months is going to the tournament but i'm not and that makes her feel crap. I asked if her dad would be there and she said he is coming to the one next week but can't come to the may one.

I feel awful and I'm really proud of DD but I can't just drop everything for her now, I did for years and now I need to prioritise my younger children like I did for her for years.

AIBU not going? AIBU to think DD is being selfish expecting me to drop everything now, when she is an adult?

OP posts:
Penguinmouse · 02/02/2025 10:02

She needs to get a grip a bit - presumably you are UK based so making a trip to Texas in May and then a trip to the West Coast in June is both a big expense financially and on your time. You’ve got two other children and a partner who is a teacher, you’re already going to the graduation. You’ve been supportive of her going out to a different country for college but making that decision comes with trade offs - she can’t expect you to come out for every competition and be there at the drop of a hat.

SquishyGloopyBum · 02/02/2025 10:03

I was with her until you said you are going out for her graduation 3 weeks later! I think you need to say you can only do one and not both.

Why can't her dad go to the one in may? He's going to neither that or the graduation as it stands. I bet he's not getting as much grief for it either!

RegimentalSturgeon · 02/02/2025 10:05

I disagree that Sporty Daughter ‘isn’t being unreasonable or spoiled’: she’s being both. She clearly doesn’t care about her ego’s carbon footprint, but isn’t the cost of the extra trips she has expected her mother to make also an issue?

musicforthesoul · 02/02/2025 10:06

I don't think you're unreasonable, especially as you're flying out for graduation a few weeks later, but I understand her being upset and disappointed if neither parent is going to the May competition.

You say she's got aspirations to go pro, if she's graduating in a few months is it looking likely? Or is it more likely that May is going to be the last big competition ever? She may be looking at this as you missing her final competition, rather than you just missing a competition, which will feel much bigger.

AnnaBegins · 02/02/2025 10:06

Blimey! You're going out for her graduation just a few weeks later! She's been so lucky and had all the advantages, and now expects your younger kids to be disadvantaged so she can continue to be the focus?! She's 21!
Multiple trips to the US must be bankrupting you! I studied abroad, my parents came out once, and that was in Europe. She will cope.

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 02/02/2025 10:07

I think your explanation of why you can’t go is the part that upset her. Not fully rationally. But in her eyes the only thing stopping you being there is your younger children.

When actually, it is because there are 2 big trips to the states only 3 weeks apart. That is a huge cost. Maybe explaining that you can’t afford it will help her put this in perspective.

What are her plans post graduation - could she have some fears over this and is projecting.

diddl · 02/02/2025 10:08

If you are going in June why isn't that enough for her?

Don't think many people would be "popping over" to USA a couple of times in succession!

Soo her Dad is going to the next one, no one in May & you in June.

I'm guessing there's no Gps who could go for the May one or that her dad can't swap & go in May instead?

Would she rather you not be there if you were taking the kids?

Original poster
Claina · 02/02/2025 10:08

Money isn't the issue really as her dad has made it clear he will pay for me to out and watch her compete whenever. I just hate asking him as I feel like he gets smug about it!

OP posts:
RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 02/02/2025 10:09

Pinkissmart · 02/02/2025 09:45

What a ridiculous thing to say.

Show quote history

How on earth is this ridiculous?

Bunnycat101 · 02/02/2025 10:10

It is a massive ask that she’s expecting you to go the states twice within a month. Does she not realise the potential expense of that let alone the logistics with small children?

I studied abroad for a year. I came home to visit my parents but they didn’t come out to me. That seemed fairly typical of the time based on my peers. I think she is a little bit deluded re what most other families would be doing in the same circumstances. I bet she has friends from the US whose families couldn’t manage 2 flights and visits in a month.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 02/02/2025 10:10

I’m astonished at how many people think the OP should be moving mountains at enormous cost to get there.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 02/02/2025 10:11

Claina · 02/02/2025 09:56

I should also say, the whole tournament is live streamed so I will still watch, just from home.

Have you told her that?
Presumably as she's in America this will involve a very late/into the early morning time period and she may think you won't stay up for it.

I think the sending flowers thing is a good idea.

Dreammouse · 02/02/2025 10:11

You didn't prioritise her over your other children, you didn't have other children back then.

Presumably OP prioritised her over herself- the time, money and emotional cost of supporting a child in a sport to that level is high. Sure it was OPs choice, just as DD evidently chose she wanted to continue to pursue it once old enough and decided to live across the world.

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 02/02/2025 10:12

Get the siblings to make a good luck banner.. Face time dd and get them to cheer her on... Even people with 2 dc to the same df have to pick 1 over the other sometimes when things clash.

Mumof1andacat · 02/02/2025 10:13

4 years old is not compulsory school age, so if you did go, it would be unauthorised but you wouldn't get fined

GreenTeaLikesMe · 02/02/2025 10:13

I can't believe there are people who want the OP to drag her toddler over to the US on a plane to do this.

It is really, really expensive to spend time in the US because of the strength of the US economy and dollar. Hotel prices have gone up alarmingly - even Americans on American wages are complaining of sticker shock when they travel within the US. On UK wages, I don't even want to think about it. Plane tickets are very expensive and she will need to pay for a seat for the 2yo. 2yos are horrible on long flights and dragging through airports and dealing with jetlag. I know all this because I've done it with both my kids when they were toddlers.

The OP's eldest daughter is an adult. She has chosen to live overseas. I also went to live far away from the UK when I was 21 and accepted that visits would have to be occasional because of the cost and hassle of traveling. The fact that the OP has already been two to three times a year is already really, really over the top and well beyond what most young expats could possibly expect.

Original poster
Claina · 02/02/2025 10:14

Bunnycat101 · 02/02/2025 10:10

It is a massive ask that she’s expecting you to go the states twice within a month. Does she not realise the potential expense of that let alone the logistics with small children?

I studied abroad for a year. I came home to visit my parents but they didn’t come out to me. That seemed fairly typical of the time based on my peers. I think she is a little bit deluded re what most other families would be doing in the same circumstances. I bet she has friends from the US whose families couldn’t manage 2 flights and visits in a month.

The way her sport works at the college level is they play both a league and then championship tournaments.
The league takes them across the country so most of her friends who's parents can't come to a home match can go to one of the away ones.
The championships has 3 big (trophy) events, one in September, I didn't go to this, this one in February and one in May. The League runs through the spring so most of her friend will have their parents at a couple of the events between now and graduation, but they live in the US and I try to point out that there is a massive difference between transatlantic flights and going from LA to San Francisco for example!

OP posts:
Maboscelar · 02/02/2025 10:14

I've read the whole thread and you've said money isn't an issue, and your eldest is 4 therefore not CSA so you can just take them out of school so I think YANBU

She wants you there and you could easily be there if you really wanted to be. This is her last big event before graduation and I think you should go and support her. It's important to her and you can make it work so why not?

Just take a tablet for the little ones and let them play games and watch stuff if they get bored.

This could affect your relationship with her going forward, why risk it?

The only barrier in the way is your attitude towards her.

Maboscelar · 02/02/2025 10:15

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 02/02/2025 10:10

I’m astonished at how many people think the OP should be moving mountains at enormous cost to get there.

She has said her ex will pay so it won't cost her.

Octopies · 02/02/2025 10:17

YANBU, it sounds like an impossible situation with her being so far away and you having young children. I assume her Dad lives over in the US and he's only attending 1 in 3 of her upcoming events, just like you are? I would arrange a nice surprise for her like flowers (or something she'd like better) for each of the sporting events you can't make.

Phineyj · 02/02/2025 10:18

YANBU and she sounds very demanding!

I studied abroad in Canada for a year and my parents came once and my sister came once.

It's expensive and bad for the environment and I wouldn't want to supervise a 2 year old through this either.

SoupDragon · 02/02/2025 10:20

I voted YABU not because I think you're unreasonable for not going but because your DD hasn't behaved selfishly. She's just told you how she feels. There doesn't seem to be "expectation" on her part, she is just upset that you can't make it or something that is important to her because of the younger siblings.

I'm not sure there is an easy fix though.

NormaleKartoffeln · 02/02/2025 10:21

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 02/02/2025 09:30

She’s being daft and you’re absolutely not being unreasonable.

I do wonder if her massive overreaction is a sign that she’s generally a bit unhappy/homesick though.

This.

Timetochillnow · 02/02/2025 10:23

Maboscelar · 02/02/2025 10:14

I've read the whole thread and you've said money isn't an issue, and your eldest is 4 therefore not CSA so you can just take them out of school so I think YANBU

She wants you there and you could easily be there if you really wanted to be. This is her last big event before graduation and I think you should go and support her. It's important to her and you can make it work so why not?

Just take a tablet for the little ones and let them play games and watch stuff if they get bored.

This could affect your relationship with her going forward, why risk it?

The only barrier in the way is your attitude towards her.

I agree especially if this is expected to be the last event.
when you travel alone you have the luxury of some time alone and separately with just your eldest and I feel you are reluctant to take the little ones as it will make the whole trip so much harder - but if it’s the last one I’d do it but your 21 yr old needs to understand that it’s the last time

what sport is it? How long is her participation in each event?

user1492757084 · 02/02/2025 10:24

I think you should prioritise going to one sporting event per year.
Could you and the two year old go in May?