DD making me feel awful as I can't go to her sporting event

[Claina]

DD is 21, she is a college athlete studying in the US, she loves her sport and has aspirations (and potential) to go pro. I have 2 young children who are 4 and 2, they have a different dad to DD.
When DD was a teenager I gave up everything for her sport, I home schooled her, I took her to training, I travelled all over the world for her to compete. Once she was 16 this died down a lot as she was able to handle more of the travel herself and that is when I realised that I had given up so much of my 30s and wanted more children (I was 23 when I had DD).
Until now my younger children haven't been school age so I have gone out to the US 2/3 times a year to see the most important competitions. In the summer I have gone to see the non uni related comps too.
Next week is the start of one of the most important competitions to DD, I can't go as it's not a school holiday and my 4 year old has school. There is another in May which I also can't go to.

Last night I facetimed DD and we were talking about it and she asked if I was coming in May and I said I was really sorry but I couldn't. She started crying and hung up, when I messaged her I asked if she was okay and she said yeah, but she feels like I don't care about her anymore now I have more children and that her boyfriend of 8 months is going to the tournament but i'm not and that makes her feel crap. I asked if her dad would be there and she said he is coming to the one next week but can't come to the may one.

I feel awful and I'm really proud of DD but I can't just drop everything for her now, I did for years and now I need to prioritise my younger children like I did for her for years.

AIBU not going? AIBU to think DD is being selfish expecting me to drop everything now, when she is an adult?

It is OK not to want to do something that would cost, what, about a grand? To be followed up by another grand or so in June. And owing a load of childcare favours. When the OP has a partner who is busy right now but will have 6 weeks' holiday Jul-Aug.

It is not realistic (unless in the world of business travel or the ultra wealthy) to keep popping thousands of miles for stuff no doubt the OP could see the main parts of online.

Of course this will cut no ice with the older DD as she is jealous and feels pushed out (which I can understand).

She's jolly lucky the OP devoted a decade to trailing the world after her though. Most parents wouldn't and couldn't!

It seems it is important to her you are there; can you do a quick trip? It looks like you were really hands on and now you are just dropping her; it has to be a slow process

Couple of things, she's 21 - an adult - and has been extremely lucky that you have been able to visit so often in the past for her competitions. She sounds to be in a very privileged position.

She must also realise that your 4 and 2 year olds need you physically more than she does.

BUT, it isn't really that black and white and does sound like she feels pushed out.

Can you take your 2 youngest out with you? I know you mentioend the 4 year old and school, but she's 4. It's hardly going to ruin her education. It would be lovely for you all I'd imagine.

Why can't people RTFT
Dad is a teacher. If Dad is a secondary school teacher then there is no way he will get out on time to pick up a primary child unless the schools are very close together. OP has already said no wrap around care at the primary school. Those saying take both - a 2 yo and a 4yo at a tennis match? Really?
Just RTFT before you make your holier than thou, Dad is useless, OP doesn't want to go, blending families don't work, bollocks.

you are not ' done ' just because your child is 21!! You clearly have young kids so have no idea. they ALWAYS need you !

I can see both sides here. She’s had lots of support from over the years and now her siblings are here she’s having to share you more. She’s bound to feel upset and a bit rejected, your support has changed and she probably wasn’t expecting it. And it’s slightly worse it’s a different father so I guess she might feel like you now have the family unit you always wanted.

However on the flip side you have given her loads and flown over a lot to support her. And now settled down / had the kids you want.

If I was in your shoes OP I would text her “I’m so sorry you feel the way you do. I can understand that you have had my undivided attention until the boys came along and it’s changed. For that I am sorry. I would love to be there for both competitions and graduation but finances and timings with your brothers are making this hard. I am asking a friend to help with the school run if I came over and they can only do one of the visits. Would you rather I came for the competition or your graduation? I am so proud of you and I love you unconditionally”

It's unfair for some posters to call her a brat, as every generation seems to stay a 'child' for longer, and I think your DD is probably not that different in expectations to her peers.

You are right, you gave up a lot, for many years, for your DD and her sport, but I don't think it's right to quit that now that she's at the finish line. This is her last big competition before graduation and I can see why it looks to her that you're just making excuses not to come. You have several options; you just would rather not go.

You could go and take your toddler with you, arranging for someone (or, heaven forbid, expecting your equal partner in parenting to arrange) to do school drop off for the older child; you could take both children with you; you could go alone and pay for (or ask your eldest DD's dad to pay for) an emergency nanny to care for the toddler and take the 4 year old to/from school for a few days. There are solutions, you just seem to prefer the one where you don't travel to see eldest DD. I think, given all you've sacrificed for her, it would be sad for it to end on such a sour note. It's one more competition and her graduation, both of which are incredibly important to her. Whilst you are obviously very important to your 2 and 4 year old, they won't care as much that you're gone for three or four days. You've got years to show them the same support you gave your eldest DD. (And who cares if your ex is smug about loaning you money? Accept the offer if money is actually the issue and enjoy supporting your DD and the happiness it will bring her.)

If you cant, having really tried as hard as you can, make it work to go to support her then you can’t and that is the end of it.

Reassure her kindly, that yes, you do care every much as evidenced by all your support in the past but try as you might, you can’t make it work this year.

Once you have reassured, explained and asked for her understanding, you have to leave it to her to find the maturity to accept it. It may take time. But that’s your job as a parent, even with an adult dc, to say no sometimes.

She has her bf, her dad and actually, I’m sure it doesn’t hurt not to always have an audience. Her self esteem to compete shouldn't really always be dependent on her mum being there.
There has to be a first time for everything OP.
Try not to feel bad about it. She will hopefully grow from it.

This is great advice .

She's 21 and used to being an only child, and she's a long way from home and feels how she feels.

But she's also old enough that you can talk through all the reasons why you coming out to this event isn't possible, and that you tried to find a way but couldn't and tell her you will be thinking about her and plan something to do together after she graduates.

Also one day she may have kids of her own and then perhaps she'll understand that you can't just leave the little ones.

She's not 'making' you feel awful. Don't load your emotions on someone else, they're yours.

She's an adult, with support from boyfriend and father.

A very young adult though, who was used to having ALL your attention, sacrifices and support. It's not easy when that declines and is given to others. Jealousy is hard.

Living solo on the other side of the planet from her family and making her own way must be a huge change. Her reaction does make her seem younger than she is.
Hope all is well for her?

I wonder if she truly realises what you did for her? It could be taken the wrong way, be careful, but set it all out, reminding her that there are now two more very young children who need you - and that you're twenty years older than you were then.

Now you're giving your all to two more dependent children who need you, just as she did.

Is this how you see yourself? As the giver of everything to dependent children?

To be honest, I'd be making arrangements for the children, pulling their dad up and having him take annual leave and caring for his own kids, then going out to see her compete and having a fun trip, if only for a break from the self sacrificing mumming.

If this is the type of solution you choose, I have to say, you should NEVER say something like "I'm sorry you feel that way". It's like a 'sorry, but [not sorry]' apology. Her feelings are her own and you have no right to apologise on her behalf for her own feelings. At least own the results of your choices. "I am sorry I made you feel that way."

You are going to graduation and that is enough , it sounds like you gave your daughter a more than adequate upbringing and now she needs to realise that she is not the only one in your universe .

@C152 good spot it’s that I meant I’m far too tired today 😂

Isn't a single flight to the US like £500? That alone would be my excuse for not being able to make every tournament!

I think as a pp said, this is more about her feelings surrounding you having another family now when previously it was just you and her. You need to reassure her and tell her you understand but that she was your no.1 who had all that time of having you to herself and focused on her and her alone. Your younger two likely won't get that much individual attention. But no YANBU.

op already said the money not an issue.........

It's not unreasonable that you can't go. My parents didn't even visit me that much when I was studying in France

But I don't think her feelings are unreasonable either. In her eyes, she moved away and you started another family - that must have stung. Yes, she's an adult and living independently, but she grew up with you all to herself and as an only child, and now she's moved away, you have a new partner and she has two younger siblings. I'm not surprised she's a bit confused and overwhelmed - and probably a bit homesick too.

Can you afford to pay for her to come home for a week or long weekend maybe? Get your partner to look after the little ones and have some quality time just the two of you?

Of course you are!
You don't see a difference between a small dependent child being actively parented and an adult who is independent?

She can want OP there but, no she doesn't NEED OP there.
And it's beyond fine for OP to tell her that's her days of spending a fortune and a lot of time watching tennis is over.

That again, if it's local and convenient, great. But she is not the centre of the universe and OP has her own 1 life to live.

Far far to many young adults re being raised entitled.
It's OPs life as well.

This is so sad - you bent over backwards to enable her sport career - I assume she got to the US uni on a stipend, on the back of your many sacrifices. She is used to your sacrifices now, there is nothing you can do. She feels entitled and she thinks she can monopolise you. My parents works f/t. I competed in my sport (28 years ago) and when I got to competition level, I did not dare ask my parents to attend (I think they attended once, in the same city though), because to attend, they had to take time off work - I could not fathoms saying to my mum or dad 'tell your patients you are taking a day off, because I am competing'. It just never occurred to me. Frankly, I don't remember if other competitors' parents attended, but I doubt they did all the time. I did not dare insist both my parents came to my graduations - they had work commitments and only my dad managed to attend one graduation.

This is astounding ingratitude and entitlement on the part of your daughter. How can you not see it yourself? I heard so many stories of ingratitude - towards parents, grandparents, etc. Mainly it was to do with lack of appreciation for sacrifices. So a little while ago I told my dc 'I am pulling you out of your private school, you will go to a local state school (it is a very badly academically performing school with drug-dealing and discipline problems) and it will be easier for your to apply to university (no bias) and I shall save a lot of money, because frankly, as the only bread-winner and self-employed, it is very very very hard for me to earn this money to send you private, and I am tired to be working all hours, and frankly I can use this money to buy things for myself, to upgrade my work equipment, and would you believe it - to buy myself some nice clothes and jewellery and a better car, etc. I was very measured and serious. You would not believe the begging and crying and begging that ensued. I have never seen dc like that - promises of better academic performance, promises, promises, promises. And tears, horrified tears. I never intended to pull them out, I just wanted to have this picture framed clearly in THEIR brains, that they were begging me to send them to their private school for final school years - because I knew, that if I had not done that, sometime down the line, I would be told 'Nobody asked you to sacrifice, nobody asked you to pay for private school'. I am saying this because you have 2 more children - don't make the same mistake with them - REMIND THEM about what you are doing for them, maybe not as radically and cruelly as I did it, but nevertheless.

I hope her dad is getting as much stick from her as you are. That being said she is your firstborn and should still get some priority. This is her final year and the most important. It should have been sorted and pre arranged ages ago. If you definitely can’t go her dad needs to step up. She’s not being a brat, she’s your daughter and effectively feels pushed out because you chose to have further children.

Oh, sorry OP, this must be hard.
Just one more reason for me not to like competitive sport.

I'd say try to find a way to do one of them.

It isn't her fault that you new partner is unable to resolve the school run for your new children without your presence/you calling favors.

If your children needed you home for some specific reason, I'd say tough. However this is about setup of your everyday operations, and it seems your current setup really doesn't count with her (by not allowing you to go for a few days)

Sorry, forgot to mention I never competed abroad and I would not dare disrupt my parents' work to invite them to the competing events on home soil (never even Scotland or Wales).

I don't understand how people think it's reasonable to drag a 2 and 4 year old on a long flight to watch a tennis match. My kids would not have sat still throughout a tennis match (although to be honest I don't think I would either), and then what happens if they start getting restless and OP has to leave?

It's not as if it's a few hours drive away plus you've got the graduation a few weeks later. I'm sorry but if your daughter decided to go to college in another country then she can't expect everyone to be there for every event. If her father isn't going then I don't understand why everyone is guilt tripping the OP, parents have equal responsibilities.

Reading all your updates, yanbu. Your 21 year old is being unrealistic and selfish expecting you to go twice in a month.
After all you've done for her, she needs to realise there are two other children now who can't just be dropped whenever she needs you. She's an adult now.