DD making me feel awful as I can't go to her sporting event

[Claina]

DD is 21, she is a college athlete studying in the US, she loves her sport and has aspirations (and potential) to go pro. I have 2 young children who are 4 and 2, they have a different dad to DD.
When DD was a teenager I gave up everything for her sport, I home schooled her, I took her to training, I travelled all over the world for her to compete. Once she was 16 this died down a lot as she was able to handle more of the travel herself and that is when I realised that I had given up so much of my 30s and wanted more children (I was 23 when I had DD).
Until now my younger children haven't been school age so I have gone out to the US 2/3 times a year to see the most important competitions. In the summer I have gone to see the non uni related comps too.
Next week is the start of one of the most important competitions to DD, I can't go as it's not a school holiday and my 4 year old has school. There is another in May which I also can't go to.

Last night I facetimed DD and we were talking about it and she asked if I was coming in May and I said I was really sorry but I couldn't. She started crying and hung up, when I messaged her I asked if she was okay and she said yeah, but she feels like I don't care about her anymore now I have more children and that her boyfriend of 8 months is going to the tournament but i'm not and that makes her feel crap. I asked if her dad would be there and she said he is coming to the one next week but can't come to the may one.

I feel awful and I'm really proud of DD but I can't just drop everything for her now, I did for years and now I need to prioritise my younger children like I did for her for years.

AIBU not going? AIBU to think DD is being selfish expecting me to drop everything now, when she is an adult?

My ds admittedly lives at home.

But he has competed abroad for GB a number of times and I've never been able to go and watch.

I can't afford it for a start as well as not being able to get the time off work.

But I do watch British champs etc.

I really don't think it's common for children/young adults who are moving from junior to elite ranks of sport I have their parents travel the world with them.

I'm sorry, but I don't understand why you're not doing this.
It matters to her that you're there.
If you take both your kids, you can be

I feel really sorry for the kids of all the commenters on here that think just because OP's daughter is an adult, she doesn't need her mum anymore? You're a mother for life, it doesn't just end when your child is an adult. OP your daughter is obviously feeling very left out and seeings as she's been an only child for that amount of time, I'd say it's completely reasonable for her to feel that way. If money isn't an issue then why can't you go and support your daughter? Your other children surely can be looked after by their dad for a day or two?

OP - just to flag that it’s probably quite easy for anyone to identify your daughter off this thread. There are a finite number of universities in California with women’s NCAA tennis teams, and they all publish their rosters online, including players’ home towns, and its unlikely there are many British-born seniors…

Why can't you do May instead of June or did I miss a bit?

We're not suggesting she disinherit her.

Its one thing she can't attend after a lifetime of dedication.

I am struck by how many variations there are, on here, of "The problem is that THE SECOND BATCH OF CHILDREN are the reason for the OP's not going! It's clear that she's not going because she's got these other kids now."

Uh yes? And? So?

The new kids are people and they have needs too; the OP has two small children and that means she has needs too, like rest and relaxation and not making stuff unnecessarily difficult for herself all the time. She has a right to have her current relationship and she has a right to have more children. It is normal for an older sibling to discover that what their parent is able to do for them will have to shift a bit once there are other siblings (or half siblings) in the family. That is just life.

A lot of people on Mumsnet seem to be wildly against ANY form of second family (I'm not even going to use the term "blended family" here - does it really count as "blending" in the true sense when the eldest was 17 when the first was born and is in her 20s now?)

I'd be the first person to advise caution about dating while children are little, rushing to introduce new partners and blend families with primary school age children etc. But this is a much older elder child. Her mother also deserves the right to have relationships and be happy in her 40s, not resign herself to a nun-like existence at 23 and forevermore. She has already gone above and beyond for this first child of hers.

Even in past centuries, it was accepted that women often went on to have another relationship and new children with that relationship; divorce was seldom a thing, but premature death certainly was. "Second families" are not a new phenomenon and human beings have always had to deal with them.

At the risk of banging on a bit: the OP's daughter may at some point come to be very glad that her mother went on to have two more children, especially if she ends up living overseas long term.

An older single mother who is all by herself can become a source of great worry to adult children, especially if she is lonely or if there is a cloud of resentment/guilt hanging over the whole situation ("I'm starting to realize that my mum basically gave up her whole life for me and now she's alone..."). The adult child may feel under pressure to live close to the lone parent as they age, or the older single parent may remain overinvolved in their child's life or live vicariously through their activities.

I've lived overseas all my adult life, and I've seen how hard things are for friends who have no siblings and are living outside their home country where their aging parents still live, especially if the parent is alone. There can be a lot of guilt about living such a long way away and depriving the parent of the experience of having their adult child and their grandchildren living in the same country. Eventually the parent starts to need support due to getting older, and a crisis situation can develop. Or the adult child may give up the dream of living in the US or wherever they are and go home "because otherwise it's too hard on mum." Resentment often develops.

I know it's easy to think of the OP's daughter as a small pouting child, but she's an adult with responsibilities and choices that will grow as time goes on. Especially if she decides to stay in the US, she will soon come to realize that she has more freedom to follow her choices if her mother is happy in a relationship in the UK and there are two other sibs living there.

It will take at least "a day or two" simply to travel there and back. We aren't talking about hopping on a train or flying to Europe, this is a full blown transatlantic flight.
Unless the OP is superwoman she will need some rest at the end of each flight. We don't know how many days the tournament is, she would presumably need to stay for all of it in case the DD gets into the final.

I agree that just because technically DD is an adult she still wants her DM there, but let's not minimise the journey to suit the narrative.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 02/02/2025 18:00

Her parents could attend if they could be arsed to go.
If she were in hospital from an accident or in jail, I’m sure they’d find a way to fly out.

Have you missed the bit where dad is going to the tournament in May and OP is going to the graduation in June, just a couple of weeks later? Or are you deliberately ignoring that. Flying out twice to the States in a four week span is just not realistic.

OP has made reasonable adjustments but cannot just drop everything at home with two toddlers and a hardworking DP with a schedule which has to be planned in advance. All arrangements are in place for OP to attend the graduation, which the dad is not going to, it's sad for DD but her parents are doing the best they can to support her.

No, he’s a teacher. He doesn’t get to choose the dates of his holidays

Are they really doing their best?

The three main tournament dates were known well in advance, and the OP "can't go" to any of them because her new partner can't be asked to solve his child's school run for a few days.

The OP practically acknowledges that she prioritises her new family. It is her choice, but the daughter isn't wrong feeling it.

The OP could prioritise sewing club and still be in the right.
Its a 21 year old playing tennis on another continent.

The OP has done more than enough time in the audience.

She could prioritise sewing club - and her daughter would be correct to realise the sewing club was prioritised over her.

Yeah, it technically is another continent, but from the UK it isn't that far, it isn't Australia. And it isn't daughter's random whim, the daughter is on a path which was absolutely predictable since the family decided to let her focus on junior tennis.

The OP had a choice - make an effort this year and naturally finalise the journey she started together with her daughter (and I am talking about even one of the three big tournaments this school year before the graduation, not necessarily all/the May one) or saying she can't be bothered because it would slightly inconvenience her new partner now.

It is her right to choose the second option, but it is unreasonable to be surprised that her daughter sees it for what it is .

You do not have to go. You will not always be able to be there for her matches in future and she is going to need to get used to that. It’s not about putting the other children above her, it’s about recognising that younger children have more immediate needs which require your presence, while she is now at the stage where she can be much more independent. If she is going to try to go professional, she’s going to want to build up some kind of team who can travel with her to tournaments, but at this stage, you aren’t able to be part of that.

It is hard, and it’s clear that your support is really important to her, but she needs to get used to the idea that you will be supporting from a distance a lot of the time.

Of course it’s not unreasonable not to go - but I would not use a four year old missing school as the reason

@Claina Could you go to the one in Feb and then the graduation in June?

I think that's what I'd try to do, even if it meant taking the younger DCs with me.

Are you sure it’s in Texas ? Looks like Atlanta Georgia. Maybe someone could go and FaceTime you so you can watch it live but remote ?

OP's husband, DD's step-dad, is a teacher. It wouldn't 'slightly inconvenience' him, it would be a major inconvenience to him and the school he works at and the pupils he teaches. DD's own dad is going to the tournament in May and OP, DD's mum, is going to the graduation in June. Arrangements are already in place. The tournament is going to be live-streamed and OP plans to watch as much as possible of it. Meanwhile, she has the two toddlers to look after and no, it's not a great idea to take two small ones or even just one to a tennis tournament where they would have to sit still and be quiet for hours on end.

It's a pity for DD, but at 21 years old, she must surely realise her parents are doing their best to support her but there will inevitably be compromises necessary. Nothing to do with prioritising one child over another, it's just how life works out sometimes.

You are too funny. Taking a 10hr flight twice in four weeks “is just not feasible” lol. These are aeroplanes, not sailing ships. It’s feasible. It’s affordable as OP has said money is no object. The tournament is far enough in the future it can be planned for, it’s not like a hospital/deathbed situation where the OP would actually “drop everything” and go.

They aren’t doing their best. They’re doing what is most convenient for them. The choice that is the least hassle…ooo I’ll cheer you on over WhatsApp video!

It wouldn't 'slightly inconvenience' him, it would be a major inconvenience to him and the school he works at and the pupils he teaches.

Yea such an inconvenience he will have to sort his own dinners and laundry, will have to <gasp> put two toddlers to bed and get them up for all of three or four days in a row<unthinkable what sort of mother is she to abandon a hardworking man to do childcare>. So inconvenient too that he’d have to communicate with an afterschool babysitter that OP hires so he can not stoop to women’s work and do his very important man job with the least amount of inconvenience.

And on the flip side of that.

A split, entitled 21 year-old will have to gasp play a little sport in her very privileged position she only got to because of the sacrifices her mother made.

It's not so extreme that there's "no room" to support her, she's still travelling across the ocean three times a year! Give op a break. Her daughter is asking too much.

OP stated upthread that there's no wrap around care at school and no childcare for the toddler. Nurseries don't generally have space for a random child for a week. Not every area has available babysitters or childminders for a week or so.
Teachers often have to be in at 8am and school typically starts at 9am

How exactly do you propose that her husband manages to do his job when he has to be there before school starts.

Yes OP could take the 2 year old to the USA but i wouldn't say tennis is an appropriate event for a toddler, and I can't imagine the previous first born being particularly happy with her mum having to leave the tournament to change/feed/walk her youngest sibling.

Maybe eldest daughter needs to accept that she's got a parent there for at least one competition, a parent there for graduation and realise that she chose to be in the USA, and that has consequences.

I really feel for the OP's daughter because she didn't end up on this tennis track by accident. I did sport competitively at the junior level and it is sustained and relished by a certain kind of parent who also somewhat feeds off the social life and camaraderie that is part of travelling around for training and competitions. If your parents weren't pretty into it, you weren't going to be able to progress. This is one reason why it's so hard to quit this kind of thing as a young person - your parents are so invested.

And now, both her parents have to some extent disinvested right at the very end. If it was another sport, maybe it'd be easier. You'd know for sure that there'd be other matches. But she's not getting picked up by a tennis team. She has to travel round playing matches and trying to win them, from what I understand. Honestly I find tennis very dull and couldn't even manage Infinite Jest because of it, but I know enough to see that this could be the end of this young woman's sporting journey, and her parents should feel a sense of obligation to finish what they started.