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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD making me feel awful as I can't go to her sporting event

289 replies

Claina · 02/02/2025 09:23

DD is 21, she is a college athlete studying in the US, she loves her sport and has aspirations (and potential) to go pro. I have 2 young children who are 4 and 2, they have a different dad to DD.
When DD was a teenager I gave up everything for her sport, I home schooled her, I took her to training, I travelled all over the world for her to compete. Once she was 16 this died down a lot as she was able to handle more of the travel herself and that is when I realised that I had given up so much of my 30s and wanted more children (I was 23 when I had DD).
Until now my younger children haven't been school age so I have gone out to the US 2/3 times a year to see the most important competitions. In the summer I have gone to see the non uni related comps too.
Next week is the start of one of the most important competitions to DD, I can't go as it's not a school holiday and my 4 year old has school. There is another in May which I also can't go to.

Last night I facetimed DD and we were talking about it and she asked if I was coming in May and I said I was really sorry but I couldn't. She started crying and hung up, when I messaged her I asked if she was okay and she said yeah, but she feels like I don't care about her anymore now I have more children and that her boyfriend of 8 months is going to the tournament but i'm not and that makes her feel crap. I asked if her dad would be there and she said he is coming to the one next week but can't come to the may one.

I feel awful and I'm really proud of DD but I can't just drop everything for her now, I did for years and now I need to prioritise my younger children like I did for her for years.

AIBU not going? AIBU to think DD is being selfish expecting me to drop everything now, when she is an adult?

OP posts:
Epidote · 02/02/2025 09:37

She is 21. I did not do sports but neither of my parents came to my graduation of my degree or master, or when I moved for work etc. They even couldn't give me a lift to the airport and I did not make a drama.
She needs to understand that sometimes we can't do everything we wish.
YANBU.

Original poster
Claina · 02/02/2025 09:38

DalzielOrNoDalzielAndDontPascoe · 02/02/2025 09:35

I don't know if this is relevant to your situation or helpful at all, but IF the only thing stopping you is your 4yo at school, do they legally have to attend?

We had an important family birthday celebration when our DS was 4 and, because he wasn't yet old enough that he had to be at school, we were able to take him out for a week without any issues. The school might not have liked it, but we were perfectly within our rights.

I guess I could take DS out for the week but it ends up being I hardly see her actually competing as DS is awful at sitting still now, last year was bad but made slightly easier as it was may half term and my partner came with us so could walk him out when he got restless.

OP posts:
BarbaraHoward · 02/02/2025 09:40

Claina · 02/02/2025 09:31

She is a senior now so the May one is her last big competition before graduation.

DP is a teacher so can't take time off during term time and we would have no one to look after our 2 year old. There is also no breakfast or after school club at DS' school so that would be very difficult too.

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Given it's the last one, I'd go if you can at all. Presumably she's reaching the point where she may no longer make the grade and these big competitions will die off.

Personally I'd just take the 4yo out of school and go. I don't blame your eldest for being pushed out.

Greenbottle123 · 02/02/2025 09:41

Claina · 02/02/2025 09:38

I guess I could take DS out for the week but it ends up being I hardly see her actually competing as DS is awful at sitting still now, last year was bad but made slightly easier as it was may half term and my partner came with us so could walk him out when he got restless.

Show quote history

Tbh it sounds like you just don’t want to go. If you wanted to make it work, you could

BarbaraHoward · 02/02/2025 09:42

Also, have you asked her if she would rather you go to the competition or graduation? If her sport is so important to her she may actually prefer you to be there for that. Then you could swap the favours from June to May.

Original poster
Claina · 02/02/2025 09:43

BarbaraHoward · 02/02/2025 09:42

Also, have you asked her if she would rather you go to the competition or graduation? If her sport is so important to her she may actually prefer you to be there for that. Then you could swap the favours from June to May.

She definitely wants me at graduation, her Dad can't go to Graduation so she said she would be really upset if neither of us were there. No idea why he can't go.

OP posts:
Wonderwall23 · 02/02/2025 09:43

I think you've missed a big bit of context from your first post. Is it right that you're going in June for graduation...literally a month later? That is hugely relevant!

Pinkissmart · 02/02/2025 09:45

TickingAlongNicely · 02/02/2025 09:30

Surely when she chose to live in an another country, many hours flight away, she realised that family could not be at every occasion both financially and timewise?

What a ridiculous thing to say.

Original poster
Claina · 02/02/2025 09:46

Wonderwall23 · 02/02/2025 09:43

I think you've missed a big bit of context from your first post. Is it right that you're going in June for graduation...literally a month later? That is hugely relevant!

Yes 3 weeks later, so she wants me to fly to Texas in the May then to the West Coast/San Francisco area in the June.

OP posts:
Pinkissmart · 02/02/2025 09:48

OP this seems like an event worth going to. Can no one else look after your other children for a week?

Frostynoman · 02/02/2025 09:48

You have time to find a childminder/mothers help etc to get support for the 5 morning school runs in May for your 4 year old. Would you be comfortable taking your 2 year old with you?

I understand objectively what you are saying. Unfortunately it also sounds as if it’s slightly all and then nothing in your daughter’s eye in terms of input. You decided you wanted more children, something that couldn’t happen when you were working so hard with your eldest, and then she will be feeling dropped in favour of those two. Your needs absolutely matter however I imagine that she’s not going to understand that at this age, as a young adult without children. Telling you that a boyfriend of 8 months is attending and you’re not illustrates that she’s not grasping situation from your perspective.

Wait until she graduates to have the conversation with her and try and make the May meet - the last thing you want is to be accused of throwing her off her game because you’ve chosen your ‘new family’ (it isn’t, you’re all one family In just suggesting things to avoid hearing..!)

Ace56 · 02/02/2025 09:48

Claina · 02/02/2025 09:46

Yes 3 weeks later, so she wants me to fly to Texas in the May then to the West Coast/San Francisco area in the June.

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Oh this is quite a big point! You are absolutely not being unreasonable then. How can she honestly expect this?!
You need to sit down and have a proper talk with her about expectations of you flying out, how many times you can really do this a year etc.

moose62 · 02/02/2025 09:51

Sorry but I think most people on here are bring ridiculous. You have given your DD everything in your power to give her snd she is successful in what she loves doing. She has a boyfriend who is attending her events and a father who is also attending various events. You have also attended 2 or 3 events. Unfortunately you can't attend the one in May and she hangs up on you! She is behaving like a spoilt brat, she is an adult and must learn that things can't always go your own way and to deal with disappointment. If it wasn't for you, she might not be in the USA doing what she loves. It is a shame but don't be quilted into making your life difficult and not putting your other children first for once.

grace2025 · 02/02/2025 09:51

TickingAlongNicely
Surely when she chose to live in an another country, many hours flight away, she realised that family could not be at every occasion both financially and timewise?

What a ridiculous thing to say.

Actually that's true and realistic!

longestlurkerever · 02/02/2025 09:53

Totally disagree with PPs. Of course you can't be expected to fly to the US for every competition, small dc or not. How many of those posters making you feel bad have the time and funds to do what theyre suggesting? Give her a metaphorical hug, ask her boyfriend to film it for you and move on.

Crumpies · 02/02/2025 09:53

She is in college in the US. Even if you had no children it would be a big ask to expect her parents to attend her events and incur the travel costs. My parents wouldn’t have considered it.

I would just say to your DD that you are very proud of her, make the point that the support she got growing up has led to you being able to give her this incredible opportunity but that level of support isn’t sustainable, young children or not.

You love and miss her but that is one of the sacrifices when going to uni in the US and it’s part of growing up.

Elite athletes are extremely selfish , they have to be, but she needs to understand that you can’t support to the same level at this stage of your life.

She’s being selfish, maybe understandably so, but selfish all the same

VickyEadieofThigh · 02/02/2025 09:53

I have some relevant experience here - my eldest niece is also on a sports scholarship in the US (her second postgraduate year). Her parents, who used to watch her compete as much as possible in the UK, have Bern completely unable to do so since she went to the states (she has a younger sister at university here AND for work and cost reasons, it's just not possible).

My niece has absolutely no notion that they should. This is because she's an adult and understands the sacrifices they've already made for her sporting career and her education.

OP, I think your daughter needs a bit of a chat about this...

purpleme12 · 02/02/2025 09:54

Pinkissmart · 02/02/2025 09:45

What a ridiculous thing to say.

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How is this ridiculous?

purpleme12 · 02/02/2025 09:55

She can't expect you to go there for this and her graduation in quick succession.

But she's probably feeling upset still. Talk to her. Reassure her you love her no less etc

LeMoo · 02/02/2025 09:55

Yanbu but she isn't either to be hurt & upset. All these people saying she should grow up and stop giving a tantrum, she's not- she's young and away from home with half siblings, her feelings are valid and you can't expect her to magically know how to deal with them.

As a pp said, give her lots of reassurance. Tell her you understand how she feels, but it really isn't the case that you favour your youngest children, not being able to attend is simply and unavoidably down to logistics. You wish it wasn't. Make a big deal of your regret and do everything you can to follow the game from home. Send good luck flowers etc.

Don't tell her she's being unreasonable or spoiled, etc. She isn't, she's just young and wants her mum. We all feel crushing disappointment at times, this is where you help her through it, not berate her for natural feelings.

Poddywod · 02/02/2025 09:56

Don't feel guilty about it. She's an adult, you have sacrificed a lot for her and you are going out 3 weeks later. Sometimes life is shit and we don't always get what we want. She can't always be your number one priority.

Also, it's ok to say no sometimes, you can't always make everything work for everyone all of the time. You have needs and wants too, you can't be expected to drop everything at a moments notice.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 02/02/2025 09:56

From her POV, when she got to the age where she wasn't "cute and dependant" you replaced her. She went from being an only child who got all your attention to being a sibling to a child she was much older than and who only half shared her DNA. And then you had another. And you no longer support her the same because of them.

It might not be intended that way (although some of your wording does sound a bit like that is partly the case) but that's how she'll see it.

Original poster
Claina · 02/02/2025 09:56

I should also say, the whole tournament is live streamed so I will still watch, just from home.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 02/02/2025 09:59

LeMoo · 02/02/2025 09:55

Yanbu but she isn't either to be hurt & upset. All these people saying she should grow up and stop giving a tantrum, she's not- she's young and away from home with half siblings, her feelings are valid and you can't expect her to magically know how to deal with them.

As a pp said, give her lots of reassurance. Tell her you understand how she feels, but it really isn't the case that you favour your youngest children, not being able to attend is simply and unavoidably down to logistics. You wish it wasn't. Make a big deal of your regret and do everything you can to follow the game from home. Send good luck flowers etc.

Don't tell her she's being unreasonable or spoiled, etc. She isn't, she's just young and wants her mum. We all feel crushing disappointment at times, this is where you help her through it, not berate her for natural feelings.

Edited

This sometimes there are no right or wrongs just emotions and she is feeling this

she had 17 years of you and now others have come along and it means compromise and sharing you - just becuase she is old enough to be able to rationalise doesn’t mean she isn’t going to feel this emotions and bring it back to being younger

is there any grandparent or other relative who coild go

Truth25 · 02/02/2025 10:00

Yanbu. Don't indulge her tantrum. You gave up work and your life to ensure she pursued her dreams, remind her of that. She might be disappointed but she doesn't get to behave like a brat at her age.