DD making me feel awful as I can't go to her sporting event

[Claina]

DD is 21, she is a college athlete studying in the US, she loves her sport and has aspirations (and potential) to go pro. I have 2 young children who are 4 and 2, they have a different dad to DD.
When DD was a teenager I gave up everything for her sport, I home schooled her, I took her to training, I travelled all over the world for her to compete. Once she was 16 this died down a lot as she was able to handle more of the travel herself and that is when I realised that I had given up so much of my 30s and wanted more children (I was 23 when I had DD).
Until now my younger children haven't been school age so I have gone out to the US 2/3 times a year to see the most important competitions. In the summer I have gone to see the non uni related comps too.
Next week is the start of one of the most important competitions to DD, I can't go as it's not a school holiday and my 4 year old has school. There is another in May which I also can't go to.

Last night I facetimed DD and we were talking about it and she asked if I was coming in May and I said I was really sorry but I couldn't. She started crying and hung up, when I messaged her I asked if she was okay and she said yeah, but she feels like I don't care about her anymore now I have more children and that her boyfriend of 8 months is going to the tournament but i'm not and that makes her feel crap. I asked if her dad would be there and she said he is coming to the one next week but can't come to the may one.

I feel awful and I'm really proud of DD but I can't just drop everything for her now, I did for years and now I need to prioritise my younger children like I did for her for years.

AIBU not going? AIBU to think DD is being selfish expecting me to drop everything now, when she is an adult?

YANBU. She's 21 and in the US. Most parents wouldn't be able to go over there repeatedly to watch her compete. As an athlete she surely needs to be a bit tougher and more focused on herself in the sport and not whether her mum's watching for the nth time. I get it, it's lovely that she values your support, but she's also on a different continent now and if she's wanting to turn pro, this will be her job. We don't have our mums watching us at work all day. It's gone way beyond going along to your kids' sporting even at this stage. It's a shame ofc, but it's in no way abandonment and I'd not even get into that level of drama. Hopefully she just over-reacted because she wasn't expecting it but will reflect and feel more resilient and mature about it and see you in the holidays rather than expect your calendar to be forever fixed around her sporting pursuits.

I thought it might be something like lacrosse

is this the last big competition then before she may have to quit?

It's a long way and very expensive. The journey would be very hard with two young children just for a few days. Whilst it would be lovely if you were there, that should be a bonus, not an expectation considering the distance and the fact that she is 21. If she is going to go professional then there will be lots of important events in the future and you will be having this conversation again some time soon. She does need to understand the realities of it all.

It being tennis makes a difference IMO - in a rowdy kind of game maybe you could be there with two toddlers, but tennis I think you do have to be quiet for certain times? It sounds like you've done a lot and what she's really struggling with is the transition. Perhaps commit to watching on the livestream and a video call before and after? She chose to go overseas for this and while I'm sure it was the right choice and a great opportunity, she has to realise you can't do it all.

Careful OP, you’re starting to make it sound like you have an excuse for everything. People have suggested taking your toddler but you say no one to do the school run, just take both children and you say 4 year old won’t sit still. Get dad to look after his children and you say he can’t because he’s a teacher, ask someone else to look after them and you say there is no one.

It may just be the way you write, because you almost make your 16 year old sound spoilt and entitled.

Reality is, times have changed. You’ve helped make your daughter into this international athlete but can no longer be at her beck and call. You have two younger children to bring up now.

Either, say this is the last year you can run around for her (and take both children to see her in May) as well as her graduation the following month. Or accept you’re going to upset her and stick to just seeing her in June.

There's no reason why a 4 year old can't miss a bit of school tbh. Don't even get fined until they're legally at school age at aged 5. I think YABU and you could go to this one

I think there are possibly 2 things you can do.

Be very factual with your daughter. Tell her how important she is to you and that you are proud of her and that you would love to be there for her at all her events. Then present the facts of your situation to her and explain how hard it is to visit the US twice in a short space of time. Tell her you understand how difficult this is for her, and that you are upset too but the domestic arrangements at home have changed for you.

The second thing is to take some of the advice of PP above and see if there is any way you could arrange to be there for her last 2 important events. Are there any friends or relatives that could travel with you and support you with the two younger kids? Or anyone in the US who could help, your DD’s boyfriend’s family? Or hiring a nanny for a few days to help out?

I kind of see this from both your perspectives, I can see that for your DD this is an important time and she had envisioned you being there with her so was understandably upset when she realised you couldn’t. And for you, this must be so hard to balance the needs of children at very different stages of life.

Another blended family that doesn't work

What the actual fuck? I think this really is the hobby horse some people are trying to flog to death. The OP's DD1 is an adult living in another continent crying because her mum isn't flying across the world twice in a month. And her dad isn't attending either BTW for reasons unknown but likely isn't feeling half the guilt about it or being berated by strangers on the internet enjoying an opportunity to have a dig.

@gallic oh don't start with this ridiculous MN anti blended family bollocks.
What an ill informed comment

I don’t think your daughter’s being selfish, she probably does feel left out. It’s all very well to say she’s an adult but at 21, she’s still young. She’s in a strange country and clearly feeling emotional so I think your partner should step up with the young kids so that you can go.

If you do end up pulling out the stops to go out there, I'd be really clear it's a special thing you've done and manage future expectations to be more realistic. Things do change with or without more DC in the mix. She can't be top priority in her 20s.

This 💯. You have provided her with an exceptional level of support up till now to pursue her aspirations and now she's a young adult capable of living her own life and following her dreams by herself, she needs to give you a break.

You can’t make a 2 year old or 4 a year old to sit silently through a 3 hour tennis match. Just talk to her again in a day or two and explain that you love her and wish you could come but it just won’t work. Either that or pay for a nanny for a few days, if you really want to go.

Sorry id make arrangements to go to at least 1 of them, surely you can arrange for your partner or other family to look after the younger child?
I dont beleive your partner cant take time off, course he can with enough notice!

You don't mention cost so financially not an issue?

She is allowed to be upset, but YANBU to not go, especially with graduation so soon after. She is 21, so should be grown up enough to understand how real life works.

Also I agree with PP, she must have realised when she moved to a different country that you would not always be able to be there.

I would give her a choice, and say that you can attend the event or graduation, but not both (assuming that you can switch plane tickets etc).

You need to make it clear that you are proud of her, and its not about putting the others first, but that you also have a life and school etc that has to be attended.

Just reassure her. She's used to very hands on support from you and it's vanished. Tell her you care as much as ever, you are massively proud and longing for her to do well. Ask her not to mistake you having less time with less love. You have more commitments now, and she must appreciate that you have to put the needs of your young children before your own desire to see her compete, just as when she was young, you put her needs before your own.

She can't ask or expect you to be a less good mother to her siblings than she was to you. Explain your time is in very short supply but your love and your desire for her to do well is as strong as ever.

She needs to grow up and accept this.

This

Can I ask a question @Claina given it is tennis (and not a sport that gets drafted after college) and that she is now unlikely to go pro how will you feel if the May competion is the last time she plays professionally and you miss it.

having made many others how will you feel

YANBU

How can the pp's on here be saying you are when you're going there weeks later for graduation! Jeez!

Agree with this. I will go, even if it means taking kids out of school?, leaving them with their dad. They are not going to miss much of school at that age. You can’t definitely go as often but can’t completely abandon her; she is only 21; she will start getting more independent now she has a boyfriend

It does very much sound like you could make it happen but don't want to, May is ages away and you could find a solution to the childcare.

I agree with the pp that the choices to prioritise her sport for years, and then have more children with a big gap were your choices, not hers.

She's obviously upset and hurt and feeling pushed out. Hope you find a solution.

i agree , the OP doesnt really want to, if you cant make the closer date thats fine but loads of time to organise for May , no excuse and my dd would be upset too

She needs a reality check. She wouldn’t be where she was without you.

The thing is, that cuts both ways. The OP's daughter literally could not be in the position she's in without the OP putting her there. And having put her there, the OP changed her focus and started something new, and now the older daughter is at a crunch point where her sporting career may well end, and possibly wondering what next and what was this all for. Which doesn't mean the OP can or should magically hop back and forth to the US but I do think this is a difficult time for her daughter.

Because she's 21.
OP is done. Free.
She's done the gard work, the dedication. The eye watering boredom.

And now she gets to release herself from tennis

I would very bluntly tell her.
Thank you but no thank you. That's not something I want to do right now
If you play locally give me a heads up.

But otherwise at 21 OP no longer needs to force herself to pay in multiple ways for this adult.

Maybe you can’t go.
there certainly will be times when you can’t. or course.

but I imagine your daughter also feels a bit sidelined by your second phase of parenting .

if this is a significant event surely your partner (4yo father) can parent them whilst you are away.

and maybe you also need to -when your daughter is less upset/calmer- have a conversation about a strategy for attending events- looking at the whole year etc,