DD making me feel awful as I can't go to her sporting event

[Claina]

DD is 21, she is a college athlete studying in the US, she loves her sport and has aspirations (and potential) to go pro. I have 2 young children who are 4 and 2, they have a different dad to DD.
When DD was a teenager I gave up everything for her sport, I home schooled her, I took her to training, I travelled all over the world for her to compete. Once she was 16 this died down a lot as she was able to handle more of the travel herself and that is when I realised that I had given up so much of my 30s and wanted more children (I was 23 when I had DD).
Until now my younger children haven't been school age so I have gone out to the US 2/3 times a year to see the most important competitions. In the summer I have gone to see the non uni related comps too.
Next week is the start of one of the most important competitions to DD, I can't go as it's not a school holiday and my 4 year old has school. There is another in May which I also can't go to.

Last night I facetimed DD and we were talking about it and she asked if I was coming in May and I said I was really sorry but I couldn't. She started crying and hung up, when I messaged her I asked if she was okay and she said yeah, but she feels like I don't care about her anymore now I have more children and that her boyfriend of 8 months is going to the tournament but i'm not and that makes her feel crap. I asked if her dad would be there and she said he is coming to the one next week but can't come to the may one.

I feel awful and I'm really proud of DD but I can't just drop everything for her now, I did for years and now I need to prioritise my younger children like I did for her for years.

AIBU not going? AIBU to think DD is being selfish expecting me to drop everything now, when she is an adult?

Well, it's clearly not about the tournament is it? I am sure you can find other ways to show her that she has not been replaced.

You are giving your younger dc exactly what you have given your dd, unconditional support.

She is being unreasonable but perhaps she needs time to adjust, she's had 20 years of it being all about her. Give her time to get use to things, reassure her that you love and support her and try not to feel guilty.

I'm just amazed that you can afford all this flying....does your dd understand the financial cost?

Personally I wouldn’t want a long flight with a 2 and 4 yr old and then be wrangling them whilst trying to watch your eldest perform.I can imagine it being very stressful for all concerned and I think your daughter needs to mature a bit more and realise how much you have already sacrificed for her.Her father is going to see her as well as re boyfriend and the fact you are going out there for Graduation is far more important. She doesn’t realise his lucky she is to have such a supportive Mum!

Of course you can’t go to both. You have helped her with her dream. You can’t do it all. I can’t imagine how expensive this has all been already too.

Yes she is a bit sad. But she needs to be more mature. I have a 21y old. They would be grateful I was coming in June and not expect a May visit too.

Tell her you love her. But keep boundaries firm. She needs to grow up a bit and appreciate all you have done.

You are not being unreasonable. My son (20) plays a lot of sport at uni and I haven’t been to any matches. He is an adult now, and I have a job / my own hobbies etc. He doesn’t ever expect me to go, his dad does sometimes but he enjoys the sport, and doesn’t have a dog so easier for him to travel (said dog needs meds 3 times a day).

Hire a babysitter for 2 days. Sitters.co.uk is great for this.

This gets trotted out all the time.
Absoulte BS up there with take in the ironing.

This ?

How is it a lovely trip for a 2 year old to sit quietly for hours in the sun watching a tennis match ? Rinse and repeat for a few days if DD makes it to the final.

I can see bringing young DCs to the graduation as it's one event and the impact if DCs lose patience isn't much and can be bolt ended with trips to fun places, but DD 21 wants her DM there to support her in the competition, not to play patty-cakes with her half sibling. Imagine if the 2 year old had a tantrum - as they sometimes do when bored - at an important part of the match. What's the DM meant to do in that rather likely scenario ?

You’re already going once this year. Thats a massive undertaking. You would be unreasonable to go to the us several times a year at her beck and call because you have other kids to think about now

I can understand how your dd is upset because once she was your only focus and of course she isn’t now. But you sacrificed so much when she was younger. She will eventually realise this. In the meantime she needs to grow up a bit.

@Snoopdoggydog123

This gets trotted out all the time.
Absoulte BS up there with take in the ironing.

Can I ask why you think that? We've used a sitter from there a number of times when we've needed childcare during the day all day for something like this. Would cost about £80 for the day. It's very easy to organise, you just put the dates on the website. I'm not sure how it's akin to taking in the ironing?

You're not being unreasonable in saying you are not going, however given she burst into tears (a very emotional response), it sounds like there is more going on with her feelings than just wanting you to attend the competition, and for that reason alone, I would move heaven and earth to go and spend some time with her. Especially as she's overseas and is perhaps feeling a bit lonely/unsupported.

I would either see if the younger DC Dad could somehow call in favours from friends to help/other school parents, and failing that, take the 2 youngsters with you (this would be a last resort as you won't get much time to focus on your DD if you take the little ones, knowing how little ones are!).

I love how everyone's still arguing, even though OP ducked out days ago. 😂