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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD making me feel awful as I can't go to her sporting event

289 replies

Claina · 02/02/2025 09:23

DD is 21, she is a college athlete studying in the US, she loves her sport and has aspirations (and potential) to go pro. I have 2 young children who are 4 and 2, they have a different dad to DD.
When DD was a teenager I gave up everything for her sport, I home schooled her, I took her to training, I travelled all over the world for her to compete. Once she was 16 this died down a lot as she was able to handle more of the travel herself and that is when I realised that I had given up so much of my 30s and wanted more children (I was 23 when I had DD).
Until now my younger children haven't been school age so I have gone out to the US 2/3 times a year to see the most important competitions. In the summer I have gone to see the non uni related comps too.
Next week is the start of one of the most important competitions to DD, I can't go as it's not a school holiday and my 4 year old has school. There is another in May which I also can't go to.

Last night I facetimed DD and we were talking about it and she asked if I was coming in May and I said I was really sorry but I couldn't. She started crying and hung up, when I messaged her I asked if she was okay and she said yeah, but she feels like I don't care about her anymore now I have more children and that her boyfriend of 8 months is going to the tournament but i'm not and that makes her feel crap. I asked if her dad would be there and she said he is coming to the one next week but can't come to the may one.

I feel awful and I'm really proud of DD but I can't just drop everything for her now, I did for years and now I need to prioritise my younger children like I did for her for years.

AIBU not going? AIBU to think DD is being selfish expecting me to drop everything now, when she is an adult?

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 02/02/2025 10:24

Four year old's below compulsory school age.

You could take both children with you?

Tiswa · 02/02/2025 10:24

@musicforthesoul i imagine it is a US based sport which follows the collegiate system so going professional happens after and you can be drafted - American footballers tend for example to go pro around 22 when finished college football

different from how football is here

lazyarse123 · 02/02/2025 10:25

You are definitely not being unreasonable. She obviously chose to go to America for her sport. Well done to her it's a great opportunity but she has to realise you now have other commitments. Millions of people have 2nd and 3rd children so things have to change. You haven't replaced her just added to your family. Time for her to grow up.

Original poster
Claina · 02/02/2025 10:25

Timetochillnow · 02/02/2025 10:23

I agree especially if this is expected to be the last event.
when you travel alone you have the luxury of some time alone and separately with just your eldest and I feel you are reluctant to take the little ones as it will make the whole trip so much harder - but if it’s the last one I’d do it but your 21 yr old needs to understand that it’s the last time

what sport is it? How long is her participation in each event?

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Tennis so anyones guess between 45 minutes and 3 hours, she plays doubles too, so sometimes this, twice in one day.

OP posts:
Zippedyzip · 02/02/2025 10:25

I think at her age she is expecting too much. You can't expect you parents to travel across the world multiple times a year. Explain to her that you are so proud and rooting for her, keep in communication on important days. But she should be making the leap towards adulthood now and not expecting so much.

BunnyLake · 02/02/2025 10:26

Pinkissmart · 02/02/2025 09:45

What a ridiculous thing to say.

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How is it ridiculous when a lot of parents can’t even make it to their kid’s sports day locally?

OP is going to see her dd in June but dd also expects her to go over in May and is having a childish strop over it. That is what is ridiculous.

sparkellie · 02/02/2025 10:27

I think it depends on the discussion when she moved. Did you tell her you would be at all these big occasions or that you would go when you could? What was her expectation when she made the decision to go?
I understand you're going for her graduation and you have 2 younger children, but it sounds like these may be the last 2 things she's going to want you to see for a while, so I would do everything I could to go to both, on the understanding you wouldn't be able to go back for x number of months.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 02/02/2025 10:28

I don't think either of you is being unreasonable. If you can't manage it then you can't - most ordinary people can't be jetting back and forth to the US.

But I also don't think she is unreasonable to be upset, and I wonder whether people saying that she is quite understand what a tricky point she is at. She has made it this far in her sport but now she is graduating and there is effectively a cull. She may have a lot to process before graduation and be worried about doing that without support.

Original poster
Claina · 02/02/2025 10:28

Tiswa · 02/02/2025 10:24

@musicforthesoul i imagine it is a US based sport which follows the collegiate system so going professional happens after and you can be drafted - American footballers tend for example to go pro around 22 when finished college football

different from how football is here

Not quite, it's tennis, so some do go pro after working through the college system (some big names like Danielle Collins did for example), she will have to play up through the ITF events first though and while she has played some before, results have been very mixed and it's TBC on if she will make any real moves on the pro circuit.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/02/2025 10:28

If money isn't an issue, could you speak to her dad and explain, would he pay for a temporary nanny for your children

Funderthighs · 02/02/2025 10:29

I’d go and take the children with you. The 4 year old can miss school or your DH can sort out the school run. I know he’s a teacher but it’s his child too and it’s as much his responsibility as yours. I appreciate that you’re in a difficult situation but if I were you I’d go.

adviceneeded1990 · 02/02/2025 10:31

Your DD is being a bit unreasonable with her expectations here but if I’m doing the maths right she was the centre of your entire world for 17 years? Then two babies came along in quick succession in your 40s and now she feels pushed aside? Yes she’s being a bit bratty and not understanding that your priorities have to change but she’s probably feeling incredibly pushed aside. Have an honest chat about her feelings.

JLou08 · 02/02/2025 10:32

Yanbu to not go. YABU thinking your daughter is selfish. Her feelings are valid, she should be able to communicate them without worrying about how you will take it. Just as you are valid to communicate that you can't drop everything and go to the US when you have young children.

swingandtrampoline · 02/02/2025 10:34

Plaided · 02/02/2025 09:30

Can’t you take the 2yr old? Sounds like a lovely trip if you can afford it, some alone time with the 2yr old and they can spend a little time with their older sister.

Yes take the two year old and leave your DH behind to take the 4 yo to school.

Hobbitfeet32 · 02/02/2025 10:35

YANBU however if you do really want to go and it sounds like you do if you're feeling guilt about it, then take the 2 yr old and get husband to sort the school run for a week. If he genuinely can't do it (which I don't believe unless there is no wraparound) then there's plenty of time to find someone -childminder etc- to do it for the week.

SemperIdem · 02/02/2025 10:36

Pinkissmart · 02/02/2025 09:45

What a ridiculous thing to say.

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Why is that ridiculous?

She was 18 making the choice, not 8.

ilovesushi · 02/02/2025 10:36

I don't think you are unreasonable at all BUT it sounds like if she doesn't go pro, then this might be the culmination of her sporting career. Sounds like it is a huge deal and she wants you there. You've been a huge part of her success when she was growing up and she wants you to see where it has taken her and celebrate with you. I think I'd do everything to get there. Sack off school for the little ones. It is not compulsory until 5 anyway. Even if your little one turns 5 then, it's a few days at most. What will they miss, the letter P, some colouring? Weighing up one against the other, the daughter with the big comp would win for me.

Hope you can resolve. I think she is disappointed, not a spoilt brat. She's shown amazing bravery and work ethic getting to where she is. Show her you are proud.

ilovesushi · 02/02/2025 10:38

And your DH needs to well and truly STEP UP!

SnoopysHoose · 02/02/2025 10:38

I think it's a bit much that she expects you to always be affording flights to the US, be different if it was somewhere nearby.

mitogoshigg · 02/02/2025 10:39

Sometimes we have to remind our your adults that they are adults now and we have lives of our own. I have to say no to my dd, it's not easy but there comes a point where this happens. Be kind but remind her you are coming for graduation

Velmy · 02/02/2025 10:39

You're not being unreasonable, and if DD is going to be a professional athlete she'll need to 'toughen up' if there's going to be tears before bedtime every time you can't drop everything and travel halfway around the world.

If this competition is such a big one, how much notice did you have? Would more notice have made things easier for you, arrangements wise? Other family who could have helped with the kids?

I understand her position with regards to you focusing on the younger kids now, but surely she understands that even without children, a trip to the US isn't the same as hopping in the car for a couple of hours at the the weekend?

She's very lucky that you've done so much for her over the years, much more than many parents are able/willing to do. She'll understand that in time :-)

Dramatic · 02/02/2025 10:42

I'm wondering how you're meant to finance all of this too, unless you're a high earner then two trips to America within a month is surely too much for most people to afford.

I think if there's any way of working it out so you can go then you should try, but if it really is impossible then she needs to try and understand that.

muggart · 02/02/2025 10:45

She's being a brat.

Rocksaltrita · 02/02/2025 10:45

1 - she isn’t making you feel bad, you feel bad because you know you’re letting her down
2 - you encouraged and supported her with this sport all the way, she isn’t wrong to expect that support to continue
3 - you chose the life you have - both back when she was younger and now. You’re the author of your own destiny. It’s a bit rich feeling sorry for yourself now.
4 - surprise surprise, her new step dad doesn’t want to step up so you can go watch her. Tale as old as time!
5 - personally, I’d to all I could to attend. But it sounds to me like you’ve made your choice. You could go if you wanted to with a bit of effort. You’ve decided it’s too much like hard work.

ttcat37 · 02/02/2025 10:47

She needs a reality check. She wouldn’t be where she was without you. She’s being very bratty.
I was good at sport at school, but my mum refused to pick me up late after matches because she had her hair done on a Saturday. She never watched a single match and I could only play if someone else’s parent took me home. Your daughter is being ungrateful.