DH and best friend messaging

[flowersintheattic2]

In a nutshell - 'D'H talks with a mutual friend of ours (I met her originally and would consider her one of my closest friends). H is really struggling with his mental health at the moment, currently being seen by a psychiatrist for suspected bipolar - hyper-sexuality is a feature. Friend works in mental health field. I know they talk - no problem. In many ways they are similar. Our marriage is struggling at the moment following a ONS last year. We are working through this, rebuilding trust. No excuses - I snooped in his phone and read the conversation between H and friend. Most of it is general chit chat but my H will frequently write hyper-sexualised comments. I have spoken to him before about this, spoken about the inappropriateness of this. Friend responds with either shock or laughing emoji but doesn't respond back otherwise. H realised I snooped and now he refuses to talk with me. I feel betrayed by both parties tbh. I have spoken with my friend about it asking her opinion and she has been supportive, but shared that snooping was an invasion of his privacy. I am seeing my friend today and staying overnight. Meanwhile my relationship with my H is in tatters. Opinions and thoughts welcome.

So he cheated and now you can't trust him.

He's a tosser his mental health is no excuse

Are the sexualised comments directed at her or more general? So like "I'd love the chance to fuck you" or "I'm so horny at the moment I can't stop thinking about sex"
That would make a difference for me.

@Shadesofscarlett he has taken a sledgehammer to the trust I had. In working things through, I know he values talking with her. I know this is mutual because she is also having family issues at the moment.

Towards her

You won’t be able to trust him again OP, he’s cheated once and now sending these messages to another woman.

And I’m sorry but she’s no friend, she should have told you or at very least stopped messaging with him. The fact that she carried on would suggest to me that she might like the attention. Did she even apologise for not telling you. I mean after the first time maybe she would have brushed it off but after he did it again? If she was your friend she would have told you and stopped messaging him.

Well, the first post has it really. You can’t trust him because he is an untrustworthy cheat who is still looking to overstep your boundaries and form inappropriate relationships with other women. Mental health issues or not, his behaviour is unacceptable and you shouldn’t make yourself a mug for this man.
Your ‘friend’ is no friend of yours. The first time a friends husband made a sexual comment towards me would be the last time.

I don't know much about bipolar and hypersexual behaviour. Does your friend understand it. Is she able to look past it because she understands it professionally?

If he is bipolar is there a treatment for it?

Mental health problems can have significant impact on others but if treatment can deal with symptoms might thee be a light at end of tunnel?

In which case I'd end it with him. Bipolar or not, making sexual comments to someone else is unacceptable, especially with his background of cheating.
She's not your issue, no she hasn't turned him down but she doesn't seem to be encouraging him either.

I would not trust either of them. She is not your friend; she values this communication with your DH over your friendship.

And there is no way I would be staying with her!

Just to be clear, did he have a one night stand? And is now sending sex messages to your friend?

I'd be out.

He’s a cheat with issues, you really should think about leaving him very strongly.

She isn’t your friend. This may be an unpopular generalisation, but many people I know who work in mental health have issues in abundance themselves.

Hypersexuality can be a huge part of bipolar. Yes my friend understands it and does look past it. From a MH perspective I know she wouldn't judge him for it, just flow with it.

Yes, there's treatment. We are just at the mercy of the NHS. He is seeking counselling too.

Yes, he had a ONS.

Your husband is a cheat and he's trying to cheat with this friend. I've no idea what she's playing at because she should have nipped it in the bud when he made sexual comments.

It reminds me of serial cheats being treated for 'sex addiction'. Everything nowadays has to be pathologised and the only winners are the therapists.

If you want an open relationship, then stay with him.

'We' are working through it - I would argue he is not working through anything. Except lining up his next ONS. How do you know he has not done this several times? He pouts over an invasion of privacy. Are you not allowed to be upset about him being a feckless cheat?

Honestly I would be out. Not sure why you stayed. Sounds like torture.

Wow. He's cheated on you. And is now putting the feelers our to cheat with your friend/some might say already is cheating with your friend, and you're making excuses for it? Why??
Even if this was down to mental illness, you're willing to take this? That's insane. You're self worth will hit the floor and you'll end up stuck with a guy doing this to anybody and everybody and you'll excuse it.

I think you really need to step away and gain some perspective on this situation and how you want your life to be.

It feels like your friend isn't a friend and has over stepped boundaries.

I work in a 'profession' and I wouldn't use my professional knowledge to advise or advocate for friends, because I don't have those systems and processes at home, which would make my advice safe.

Likewise your 'friend' is being incredibly unboundaried by supporting your husband and conflating her personal and professional life

It might be acceptable for a Mental Health Professional to overlook sexualised comments, (I genuinely dont know) but, it is definately not OK for your friend to do this.

Do you have other friends or family you can speak too? They might have tgr measure of both your husband and friend.

I think it’s inappropriate for him
to discuss his problems with her. She works in mental health but she isn’t his doctor.

Gosh it's hard when his behaviour is tied up with a condition. However you have to put your mental health first. It's possible with treatment he gets into a better state of mind but how long will that take and what impact on your health.

It's not straightforward. Could you get some professional advice on how to navigate this? I mean from a psychologist or similar?

Your friend is not his mental health professional or a “safe space”‘for him to make sexualised comments. She is your friend. He should not be messaging her those things and she should have cut off communication, not carried on when he’s telling her what he wants to do to her sexually. What is she playing at?
Personally I could not stay with a man who does this. It must be exhausting and you will never be able to relax or trust him. Mental health or otherwise.

The fact that she does not stop it, shows she likes it. If a male friend started making any kind of sexual comment towards me, I would stop it very swiftly and stop responding to any of his messages.

She is not your friend . She is dvd. Trying to gaslight you

And yes, you clearly cannot trust your DH not to stray. Question is can you live with this.

All three of you clearly have issues with boundaries though! You are about to see her and play "happy friends" with her? Where is your dignity? Where are your boundaries?

They are messing with you. Telling you off for snooping is so audacious it's ridiculous

It’s hilarious when someone snoops and finds something incriminating and the partner acts as if their lying/cheating is now completely irrelevant because “OMG I can’t believe you went through my phone”. I don’t condone snooping but on a scale of bad things you can do in a relationship, snooping is like a 4 and cheating is a 10!!

Frankly I think you’re being too understanding of what he’s done, just because he might have bipolar… he still knows what he’s done is wrong. He has betrayed your trust, undermined your relationship and now is trying to turn the blame on you. Honestly I think you should have more care/respect for yourself and stop putting up with his bullshit.

So he cheated and now he’s messaging someone inappropriate messages

Why stay with someone like that