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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and best friend messaging

189 replies

flowersintheattic2 · 01/02/2025 09:10

In a nutshell - 'D'H talks with a mutual friend of ours (I met her originally and would consider her one of my closest friends). H is really struggling with his mental health at the moment, currently being seen by a psychiatrist for suspected bipolar - hyper-sexuality is a feature. Friend works in mental health field. I know they talk - no problem. In many ways they are similar. Our marriage is struggling at the moment following a ONS last year. We are working through this, rebuilding trust. No excuses - I snooped in his phone and read the conversation between H and friend. Most of it is general chit chat but my H will frequently write hyper-sexualised comments. I have spoken to him before about this, spoken about the inappropriateness of this. Friend responds with either shock or laughing emoji but doesn't respond back otherwise. H realised I snooped and now he refuses to talk with me. I feel betrayed by both parties tbh. I have spoken with my friend about it asking her opinion and she has been supportive, but shared that snooping was an invasion of his privacy. I am seeing my friend today and staying overnight. Meanwhile my relationship with my H is in tatters. Opinions and thoughts welcome.

OP posts:
feelingalittlehorse · 01/02/2025 10:01

Blaming his cheating on his Bipolar is a little offensive on other people with Bipolar imo.

In fact; according to your ‘D’H, none of this seems to be his fault. Which is odd seeing as the astray penis is attached to his body 🤔

CheekyAquaBeaker · 01/02/2025 10:01

You said suspected so he hasn’t had the diagnosis yet? Is he currently in a manic episode? Hypersexuality can be an issue then but only in a manic/hypomanic phase. Is he on treatment? I’d just be careful he’s not using it as an excuse to behave inappropriately.

Original poster
flowersintheattic2 · 01/02/2025 10:02

MySweetGeorgina · 01/02/2025 09:35

The fact that she does not stop it, shows she likes it. If a male friend started making any kind of sexual comment towards me, I would stop it very swiftly and stop responding to any of his messages.

She is not your friend . She is dvd. Trying to gaslight you

And yes, you clearly cannot trust your DH not to stray. Question is can you live with this.

All three of you clearly have issues with boundaries though! You are about to see her and play "happy friends" with her? Where is your dignity? Where are your boundaries?

They are messing with you. Telling you off for snooping is so audacious it's ridiculous

DVD?

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 01/02/2025 10:02

OtterlyMad · 01/02/2025 09:37

It’s hilarious when someone snoops and finds something incriminating and the partner acts as if their lying/cheating is now completely irrelevant because “OMG I can’t believe you went through my phone”. I don’t condone snooping but on a scale of bad things you can do in a relationship, snooping is like a 4 and cheating is a 10!!

Frankly I think you’re being too understanding of what he’s done, just because he might have bipolar… he still knows what he’s done is wrong. He has betrayed your trust, undermined your relationship and now is trying to turn the blame on you. Honestly I think you should have more care/respect for yourself and stop putting up with his bullshit.

Edited

Mumsnet is very unforgiving about posters who check their partner's phones to confirm their suspicions about their behaviour. Checking their partner's phone without their knowledge or permission becomes a far greater crime than the behaviour (no matter how awful) it reveals.

Ppzd · 01/02/2025 10:02

flowersintheattic2 · 01/02/2025 09:21

Yes, he had a ONS.

Show quote history

That'd be me out just after the ONS. I admire you working through it. Now this sexualised messaging on top, that's unforgivable again for me. If he needs to express his hyper-sexuality, he can do so with you if you consent. Why do it with someone else? To me, sexting is part of cheating, even if the recipient doesn't reply back in the same vein, HE is sexting her, that's crossing a line for me.
If hypersexuality can be a symptom of bipolarity (I don't know enough about this thoigg), I'm pretty sure sexting/cheating isn't!!!! What a lame excuse from him. Get rid!

Endofyear · 01/02/2025 10:04

It sounds like your husband has put your friend in an awkward position - it's possible that she wanted to tell you about his inappropriate comments but found it difficult to broach the subject? Yes, you invaded his privacy by looking at his messages but you had good reason to do so - he has cheated on you and broken the trust in your relationship. Do you actually want to continue being with him? This would be a deal breaker for me to be honest. If he is diagnosed with bipolar, even with medication there's no guarantee that his behaviour will improve and you could well have a lifetime of difficulties ahead 🙁

Original poster
flowersintheattic2 · 01/02/2025 10:04

Tootiredforthis23 · 01/02/2025 09:44

@flowersintheattic2 how often are these messages occurring, do they just tend to occur during manic phases? If so, then the messages themselves at the time may be caused by his bipolar. BUT outside of manic phases he should be able to recognise they were inappropriate, apologise and have the sense to stop messaging her if he valued his marriage. It sounds like he’s using the potential bipolar diagnosis as an excuse to cheat.

I would say it's all the time.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 01/02/2025 10:04

I get the medical aspect but that absolutely cannot be used to make his behaviour okay and not his fault and indeed your problem if you don't make allowances. He's cheated on you, he's writing filth to your friend, and passing this off as being hypersexualised involuntary behaviour is beyond bullshit. He can be bipolar and a cheating creep without one being the cause/excuse for the other. I'm sorry but from everything you've said, it's only you who's trying to fix things while he's still swinging his sledgehammer/dick around and the only healthy thing you can do is to step away and look after yourself. He'll destroy you both, and your friendship. Please use the support you have to take care of yourself rather than trying to work through something that is not going to work.

BleachedJumper · 01/02/2025 10:07

Am I correct in reading that you are actually going to see this particular ‘friend’ today @flowersintheattic2?

Why?

Gymmum82 · 01/02/2025 10:07

Being a support to your husband I would say is pushing it but ok. Not shutting down any sexual comments is absolutely not.
She is not being a friend to you. Your husband is a cheat and is actively looking to cheat again and she is acting like she’s open to it. I would be getting rid of the pair of them

converseandjeans · 01/02/2025 10:07

I think he is using or exaggerating his MH issues to keep you in line. Your friend & DH are having regular chats with him sending sexual comments & she hasn't discouraged it has she?

I don’t think I would want ti be friends with her tbh.

Hellohelga · 01/02/2025 10:08

Dump them both. He’s a cheat. She’s no friend of yours.

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 01/02/2025 10:09

MarzipanAndFrenchFancies · 01/02/2025 09:29

It feels like your friend isn't a friend and has over stepped boundaries.

I work in a 'profession' and I wouldn't use my professional knowledge to advise or advocate for friends, because I don't have those systems and processes at home, which would make my advice safe.

Likewise your 'friend' is being incredibly unboundaried by supporting your husband and conflating her personal and professional life

It might be acceptable for a Mental Health Professional to overlook sexualised comments, (I genuinely dont know) but, it is definately not OK for your friend to do this.

Do you have other friends or family you can speak too? They might have tgr measure of both your husband and friend.

Edited

This. Your friend sounds like she is enjoying the attention under the guise of helping. She clearly isn't helping though and she knows this is affecting your relationship. She says you shouldn't have snooped but hasnt admonished him for what he is saying to her. She is no friend op

User67556 · 01/02/2025 10:10

flowersintheattic2 · 01/02/2025 10:04

I would say it's all the time.

Show quote history

Honestly fuck this - kick him out. What an absolute twat. I've known and worked with a few people with bi.polar and they were lovely. The mental health issues are a red herring here - he is a seedy creep who has cheated on you once already. Get rid.

BilboBlaggin · 01/02/2025 10:10

I think she is too close to you both to be having these discussions with him. She's not his doctor and it'd be awkward if he's telling her any personal details about your relationship. I'd also expect her to tell him his comments are inappropriate towards a friend and not "flow with it".

If he can make comments like this towards a mutual friend without any guilt then I'd be reconsidering the relationship as there would be no trust left.

healthybychristmas · 01/02/2025 10:11

It's one thing for a psychiatrist to look at a patient and think oh that it's hyper sexualised behaviour e.g. rubbing himself up against a lamppost. It's completely different if it's your partner who is chatting up your friend and telling her that he wants to have sex with her. Can't you see that? He's just a cheat who is relying on a diagnosis for really bad behaviour. You are accepting the diagnosis as well. I would dump him and be very wary of her. I think she should stop those conversations altogether and the fact she hasn't tells you a lot.

Unforgettablefire · 01/02/2025 10:15

Your "friend" should have stopped talking to him the minute he started making passes at her and she should have told you about it.
They're both shitty.

bottlemom · 01/02/2025 10:16

His bipolar diagnosis is doing a lot of heavy lifting here to excuse his shitty behaviour. Regardless of his MH difficulties, he has already had a ONS, you'll never be able to trust him again. Why stay and waste your time always having to look over your shoulder.

wrongthinker · 01/02/2025 10:17

Dump them both. Pair of gaslighting cheats.

RitaFromTheRanch · 01/02/2025 10:19

He's cheating on you

Missionimprobable · 01/02/2025 10:20

Remove the MH from the issue.
He's a cheat who doesn't value you or your marriage, not once but twice.
Cancel your plans today.
She is NOT your friend.
As pps have said, if she's a professional, she knows how to shut it down.
As friend/woman she knows none of this is appropriate.
She's getting something out of, enjoying the attention?
Are you seriously going to spend the day and have a sleepover with the OW?
If he again raises the fact that you've snooped through his phone, the only correct response would be.
"You're a serial cheat, fuck off out of my life "
Kick them both to the kerb ❤️

OpalSpirit · 01/02/2025 10:20

Shadesofscarlett · 01/02/2025 09:11

So he cheated and now you can't trust him.

This.

Also, your husband and friend are now gaslighting you.

Duckswaddle · 01/02/2025 10:20

Oh love, stop being so naive. This guy isn’t worth your time.

Tootiredforthis23 · 01/02/2025 10:20

Endofyear · 01/02/2025 10:04

It sounds like your husband has put your friend in an awkward position - it's possible that she wanted to tell you about his inappropriate comments but found it difficult to broach the subject? Yes, you invaded his privacy by looking at his messages but you had good reason to do so - he has cheated on you and broken the trust in your relationship. Do you actually want to continue being with him? This would be a deal breaker for me to be honest. If he is diagnosed with bipolar, even with medication there's no guarantee that his behaviour will improve and you could well have a lifetime of difficulties ahead 🙁

Shes not in an awkward position. She’s obviously enjoying the attention. She told the OP that she was invading his privacy by looking at his phone, when a friend would have apologised and said, sorry or I didn’t know how to broach it. She’s worried because she got caught and is trying to deflect blame onto the OP.

Plus she’s apparently a mental health professional, she could have just raised it as a concern about his mental health if she had wanted an easy way to talk about it.

Deesmond · 01/02/2025 10:21

Can you leave op? My mum is like your H. It is a misery. Life is short. I hardly see my mum now. We cannot change them. We just get caught in the slipstream of their shit. Especially if we are compassionate and kind. Which is how you sound.