DH and best friend messaging

[flowersintheattic2]

In a nutshell - 'D'H talks with a mutual friend of ours (I met her originally and would consider her one of my closest friends). H is really struggling with his mental health at the moment, currently being seen by a psychiatrist for suspected bipolar - hyper-sexuality is a feature. Friend works in mental health field. I know they talk - no problem. In many ways they are similar. Our marriage is struggling at the moment following a ONS last year. We are working through this, rebuilding trust. No excuses - I snooped in his phone and read the conversation between H and friend. Most of it is general chit chat but my H will frequently write hyper-sexualised comments. I have spoken to him before about this, spoken about the inappropriateness of this. Friend responds with either shock or laughing emoji but doesn't respond back otherwise. H realised I snooped and now he refuses to talk with me. I feel betrayed by both parties tbh. I have spoken with my friend about it asking her opinion and she has been supportive, but shared that snooping was an invasion of his privacy. I am seeing my friend today and staying overnight. Meanwhile my relationship with my H is in tatters. Opinions and thoughts welcome.

He’s broken your trust and doesn’t appear to be bothered about fixing it. I think you should put yourself first and walk away. MH problems do not excuse mistreating your spouse.

He doesn’t care about your feelings. He’s already had sex with someone else and now he’s trying to hook up with your friend.

You deserve much better than this.

This is true and I’m sorry you are so low that you can’t see this. Get some support today for yourself x x

Your friend is not your friend. She is allowing your husband to make sexual comments to her unchallenged, allowing an inappropriate intimacy to continue, which is she is any sort if MH professional she will recognise as such; and to top it all, she is trying to divert attention from what's going on by focusing on his privacy. She is manipulating you so she can continue this relationship with your husband for her own reasons. You shouldn't trust her.

As for him, he has cheated and is now being inappropriate again. Whatever help he's getting clearly isn't working. If his behaviour is caused by his MH, then that's unfortunate for him, but the outcome for you is the same. You can't trust him. He has betrayed you and is still on that same path.

Omg there is no way I would continue texting my friend's husband if he was sending me sexual messages. OP - find your anger! She is no friend and they are both treating you like a mug!

What are they actually up to? It’s ridiculous they are texting and he is making sexual comments. What is she getting out of it? Obviously something. Highly inappropriate and I wouldn’t trust either of them.

So she confides in him aswell ,Think your being taken for a mug

I said in other posts he’s to blame for sending the messages. Not excusing his behaviour at all.

But the friend has convinced the OP she’s being helpful and helping him with his mental health issues. She’s not, she’s allowed him to behave inappropriately knowing he’s married (to her friend!). If she had wanted to stop the messages she should have, at the very least, stopped the conversation and all contact between them. She’s clearly enjoyed the attention. The OP also says the ‘friend’ has family issues of her own at the moment. It sounds like the classic beginning on an emotional affair, that he wants to be sexual.

And there’s no question of confidentiality at all. She is not acting in a professional capacity, he’s not on her caseload at work, he’s simply a friends husband. She is not bound by any confidentiality regulations. And as someone who works in the field she should know better than to be providing emotional support and mental health advice outside of work without the safeguards and support her workplace provides.

She's certainly dabbling with a moral grey area. However, he isn't her client and the friend isn't at work, she doesn't necessarily need to uphold professional boundaries in every single aspect of her personal life.

I have a friend who's husband made me uncomfortable with his 'harmless' sexualised comments and behaviour towards me, and he definitely tried (and failed) to spark up a close friendship with me when they were having difficulties in their marriage. She was aware of it, it wasn't just me but with almost all of her female friends. Everything I replied to him went through a filter of "How would my friend feel about my response?". However I didn't want to lose my friendship with her because of her dumbass husband, so I didn't get overly involved by telling her of every instance he did something that made me feel uncomfortable. I just wouldn't entertain it. On the other hand, if my friend looked at my 'conversations' with him, I would be absolutely perfectly happy for her to do so, and tbh I assumed she would. I'd never call her out for 'snooping'.

OP, this is all to say that your friend is in a difficult position BECAUSE OF YOUR HUSBAND and HE is the one who's behaviour is in question here. Although, it is not okay that she made a comment on you 'snooping' - that's none of her fucking business!

I suggest you talk to your friend about it honestly, she is in a difficult position with it too... ask her how SHE feels about it? She might drop you as a friend if you make her feel like she's responsible for this. Edit: particularly if she's going through a hard time herself, and just wants a friend, but he's sabotaging it by objectifying her and sexualising it.

But if she seems to want to protect hers and your husbands 'friendship' over hers with you, then cut her off. Any true friend would say "I don't give a toss about a friendship with your husband, I'm your friend, not his..." Etc.

Well your friend would say that, wouldn’t she. Wouldn’t trust her either. She’s supposed to back you up and be understanding as she knows what happened last year.

I don’t think she’s your friend.

Your friend is not your friend. No, he’s not a client or a patient but she should not be messaging him now he has made sexual comments. She is not telling him to stop, so she’s entertaining it.
It is absolutely gross, and she’s not helping either of you. She’s encouraging this by not blocking him, and she needs to block him.
Your husband is appalling. To blame you for going through his phone. And all this business about your friend supporting him, he will just see her as another target.
Why go and stay with her?
If you stay with him, and continue with her, you are in for a world of pain.

He's a cheat and mental health is not an excuse to behave the way that he is doing!

Your friend may not judge him for his "hyper sexualized behavior " but you should.

Now he won't talk to you because you have caught him for a second time doing something appalling?

My ex-husband had a "sexting" obsession and it was the tip of the iceberg. Justified it because of past abuse etc. The reason is irrelevant. I should have walked the first time it happened. It destroyed my mental health and my relationships with my children from that marriage. They are clever these men. He is now stonewalling you to punish you for holding him to account. Now you are the one on a forum distressed and he has violated your friendship with this woman - so isolated you. Is he on a forum distressed OP? I bet not.

Is he suckjng up all the energy, sympathy and support in the room while doing exactly as he pleases? I bet he is.

Get rid!

WTF??

Cut them both out of your life.

How did you find out about the ONS OP?

I mean given the circumstances you weren't wrong to 'snoop' were you so your so called friend can get to fuck with that. She shouldn't be messaging with your H and whatever her professional background she isn't messaging in a professional capacity nor is she acting professionally because if she was, she wouldn't be putting laughing or shocked emojies whenever he writes sexual stuff to her - she'd be shutting that shit right down. But she isn't.

It never fails to amaze me how many men seem to have 'sex addiction' or hypersexuality whenever they get caught for being complete scutters. Yet women don't seem to suffer with the same conditions...🙄

She is not your friend OP. And he shouldn't be your H either.

He's already cheated OP and he's still doing it.

Someone said earlier in the thread your friend didn't encourage him. I disagree with this. She didn't shut him down immediately, she didn't stop talking to him, and she didn't come to you about it. That's encouragement enough for most men.

I'd actually say that the sexualised comments might be his way of avoiding true intimacy. He's clearly got issues, and maladaptive ways of behaving. Her friend will be aware of that. Perhaps she's hoping he will calm down once he's in therapy, and they can have a normal friendship group in the future. If she starts blowing everything up now, she risks her friendship with OP. She's having a difficult time herself, and is likely in no hurry to go losing any friendships.

He's too much trouble, OP. And it sounds like she is gaslighting you. Say your goodbyes and go look for healthier people, you do not deserve to be treated this way 💐

what actions has this partner done to regain your trust since the ONS?

Has he offered his phone up for example so you don't have to snoop?

been more open about his whereabouts or what texts he sending

what work has he put into the relationship to make and regain your trust?

She is not your friend (that's not what a true friend does).

I didn't know that we could just go around cheating and saying any sexual thing to anyone, and then call it 'being hyper sexualised'. I'll try this and see how that goes with my DP

I know he values talking with her. I know this is mutual because she is also having family issues at the moment

I haven't read the full thread but this line jumped out at me. What value is she, working in mental health, getting with her family issues from someone who is not a MH professional (I assume) but who has a host of problems himself?

This

How has your friend been supportive OP? She simply hasn't- she's been going along with it - to be honest I wouldn't give a shit if he has some underlying mental health issues that are making him like this I would just end it - because before you know what 'you' will have mental health issues too - caused totally by him. I know several bi polar people who to be honest are both very kind people at times but incredibly self centred and just hard work to be around but neither of them are hyper sexualised in communications - he is using medicalisation to try and excuse shitty behaviour -

Where is your self respect?! Hyper sexuality my arse. He's not only cheating on you he's laughing at you for it.