DH and best friend messaging

[flowersintheattic2]

In a nutshell - 'D'H talks with a mutual friend of ours (I met her originally and would consider her one of my closest friends). H is really struggling with his mental health at the moment, currently being seen by a psychiatrist for suspected bipolar - hyper-sexuality is a feature. Friend works in mental health field. I know they talk - no problem. In many ways they are similar. Our marriage is struggling at the moment following a ONS last year. We are working through this, rebuilding trust. No excuses - I snooped in his phone and read the conversation between H and friend. Most of it is general chit chat but my H will frequently write hyper-sexualised comments. I have spoken to him before about this, spoken about the inappropriateness of this. Friend responds with either shock or laughing emoji but doesn't respond back otherwise. H realised I snooped and now he refuses to talk with me. I feel betrayed by both parties tbh. I have spoken with my friend about it asking her opinion and she has been supportive, but shared that snooping was an invasion of his privacy. I am seeing my friend today and staying overnight. Meanwhile my relationship with my H is in tatters. Opinions and thoughts welcome.

Honestly I'd stop trying to be the cool and understanding wife and just divorce him. I couldn't live under that kind of cloud that consumes me. He sounds like an asshole.

You are spending too much of your life an energy on him, you are not his support human.

@flowersintheattic2 how often are these messages occurring, do they just tend to occur during manic phases? If so, then the messages themselves at the time may be caused by his bipolar. BUT outside of manic phases he should be able to recognise they were inappropriate, apologise and have the sense to stop messaging her if he valued his marriage. It sounds like he’s using the potential bipolar diagnosis as an excuse to cheat.

OP … come on. You are medicalising his shitty behaviour away with, quite frankly, bullshit symptoms that ‘absolve’ him of blame and in an attempt to dampen the pain you must feel at his blatant infidelity.

Hyper-sexuality may indeed be a thing, bipolar is absolutely, but since when does that excuse you, in any way, for being a disrespectful, shitty human and husband?

He’s making choices here and he does not love or respect you. Stop explaining it away.

If she works in MH and is professional, she should have professional fucking boundaries and cut shit like this dead in its tracks. She should tell him that texting him behind your back is inappropriate and an act of betrayal. She should tell him that sexual conversation is inappropriate and unwelcome. She isn’t doing this because she’s getting off on it. She isn’t your friend and he isn’t loyal. You need to get out.

So your “friend” is telling you that looking at his phone is an invasion of privacy but she is not shutting down his sexual comments?

Oh Op. Stop with the delusional patter.

He's cheated before
He's sexting your friend
He's blaming you about trust

This is only the stuff you know about! Get rid.

This. This in spades.

"I have spoken with my friend about it and she has been supportive". Supportive how?

It’s always men who seem to be sex addicts and the like. Just an excuse to stick their cock elsewhere and blame it on MH. Get rid.

And does she every reply and tell him to stop? That it's inappropriate?

They are having an “open” emotional affair. Sharing problems over text that are now becoming sexual comments.

Bipolar or not - it’s very disrespectful to you. But you’re the one in the wrong for snooping. They’re are both treating you like shit.

Just get out.

It’s inappropriate for them to be chatting like this and she sounds a bloody awful friend. Why are you letting them walk all over you?

I have a policy of never chatting to any of my friend’s partners privately. I’ve seen others do it and it never works out well. It’s trampling all over boundaries. She’s either your friend or she’s his if you’re going to be discussing intimate/personal things.

I think I’d have to let them both go and chat themselves into oblivion but I realise it’s easier said than done.

Mannnnn the pair of them have done a number on you. Like fuck would I be going to hang out with her. If she’s really a MH professional she would be cutting the comments dead but she’s loving it. You’re being spectacularly gaslit

Came on to say what @Fraaances has said. It's not a case of friend understanding his MH problems but that she didn't immediately shut him down when he made inappropriate comments.
She shouldn't be laughing at it. By doing that she's giving the message it's ok. They are both culpable.

And just to clarify - I'm not saying you should put the blame on her. He's scum and I think you should leave.

I also think she should have said something about it being inappropriate.

OP, you yourself will end up with anxiety and depression if you carry on in this triangle of gaslighting.

I can’t believe you looked at his messages and saw inappropriate comments between them, and they’ve said oh but you are the problem, the snoop. Tell you “friend” to get to F. With friends like that, one who is getting some kind of ego massage by accommodating his selfishness, who needs enemies.

What pops out here is, WHAT DO YOU WANT OUT OF LIFE? Do you have DC? Do you want to travel? Do you want to laugh, and have fun and be supported? Can this man do this for you, or is he a hoover, vacuuming the joy out of you?

If so, cast him off and her.

If a crime was committed, or a breach of some sort happened at work, there would be an investigation. People who say you are invading someone’s privacy if they suspect an affair, a breach of marital contract, by looking for the evidence are obviously gaslighters and manipulators themselves.

You are being a doormat op. Your husband's behaviour is inexcusable, bipolar or not.
Your 'friend' is a disgrace to her profession, and she is gaslighting you. They are both making a fool of you.
You need to start making steps to divorce him before things get worse. I wouldn't want any further contact with this 'friend'.

Your DH is a cheat - his MH struggles don't make that OK, or mean you should put up with it.
Your friend is a disgrace. As a MH professional, she knows exactly how to immediately shut down this type of behaviour. She isn't doing so because she likes it, on some level. She is NOT a friend to you.
Start putting yourself first and ditch these two gaslighters OP. Start by cancelling your stay. Please don't put up with this for a moment longer. As a retired health professional, my blood is boiling reading this.

He’s just a sex pesty philandering perv - and your friend has no boundaries.

Bipolar or not is irrelevant.

He sounds awful. He has been unfaithful, is sending sexual comments to your friend and he is refusing to talk to you. Why on earth would you want to stay with him?

What is your situation? Do you have children together? Do you work? Start making plans to separate.

When you say he’s being seen by a psychiatrist for “suspected” bipolar - how many times had he seen the doctor? It doesn’t take long to make a mental health diagnosis.

Oh I would be bored trying to analyse him.

Just LTB. There’s no trust, so no relationship.

I have a few good male friends as I attended a university that had quite a male bias. All are married, with families. One of my friends started sending IMs to me, reminding me of things from the past, catching up etc, which then turned leery and eventually sexual in nature.

My first response was not to respond, but to ask "How are the wife and kids?"

After bleating on about struggles in his sexless marriage I just responded that he should set his focus on fixing that, and not sending me sexual requests that I'm not going to accept, and that if I was his wife, I wouldn't be happy.

I don't understand why she's just replying with emojis and not nipping it in the bud. How does brushing over it help him realise that it's unacceptable to be a bloody sex pest. I'd be having words about it with your friend.

On his side though... With that knowledge, and the previous cheating you must completely have the ick. Would you even want to have sex with his man again? There's no trust there at all for you. I'd be reviewing whether I wanted to be in a relationship with him at all.

He's a liar and a cheat, and you're not his psychologist, you're his doormat. Up to you if you want to stick around for more abuse.

He has done a real number on you. Forget the suspected Bi polar. Your husband cheated on you and is now sending sexually explicit messages to one of your closest friends who isn't shutting it down. What does the man have to do for you to leave?!

Why in the absolute fuck is she not stopping him/telling him to stop?

And she works in the field of mental health?!

Nah.

He’s trying to cheer again and she’s enjoying it.