DH and best friend messaging

[flowersintheattic2]

In a nutshell - 'D'H talks with a mutual friend of ours (I met her originally and would consider her one of my closest friends). H is really struggling with his mental health at the moment, currently being seen by a psychiatrist for suspected bipolar - hyper-sexuality is a feature. Friend works in mental health field. I know they talk - no problem. In many ways they are similar. Our marriage is struggling at the moment following a ONS last year. We are working through this, rebuilding trust. No excuses - I snooped in his phone and read the conversation between H and friend. Most of it is general chit chat but my H will frequently write hyper-sexualised comments. I have spoken to him before about this, spoken about the inappropriateness of this. Friend responds with either shock or laughing emoji but doesn't respond back otherwise. H realised I snooped and now he refuses to talk with me. I feel betrayed by both parties tbh. I have spoken with my friend about it asking her opinion and she has been supportive, but shared that snooping was an invasion of his privacy. I am seeing my friend today and staying overnight. Meanwhile my relationship with my H is in tatters. Opinions and thoughts welcome.

She isn't your friend. If my friend's DH sent me sexualised comments i would shut it down immediately. Why isn't she telling him to stop, or saying its inappropriate ?

As for your H, frankly hes crossed so many lines I'm not sure its worth trying to salvage. If you forgave him for a ONS last year he should be doing everything he can to regain your trust and work on your marriage. He isnt, hes being a sleaze around your friend.

Yeah get rid of him, this isn’t his bipolar, I have 2 friends with bipolar and I know they have both acted impulsively and inappropriately when I’m manic phases but they’ve felt awful about it after. He’s just a cheat and using his potential mental health as a way to excuse himself.

And your friend is not a friend. She’s turned the blame onto you for ‘snooping’ rather than apologising for not telling you about the messages or continuing the conversation. They’ve both manipulated you.

A quick Google tells me this:
'Even with effective medical treatment, people with bipolar disorder may still experience hyposexuality'

Is this really the life you want OP because it sounds fucking miserable. You deserve better than this.

Wow. So he cheated on you and is now sending sexual messages to your friend.

i don’t think having bipolar is an excuse for this. If he knows he has hyper sexuality and is likely to messsage inappropriate things then he should have deleted her number. She also should have stopped the conversation and blocked him.

id be furious. I’d be leaving him and I don’t think I’d be spending the night at my friends either

This is a joke!!! Why is it all about him??? And her. They are using fancy words to dismiss your feelings. Listen to your body!

LOOK AFTER YOURSELF!!

Read the book ‘women who love too much’ and OPEN YOUR EYES. Good luck!

Our marriage is struggling at the moment following a ONS last year.
that should have been the end of the road for you, this woman is not your friend, why are you even considering visiting her? she should have shut him down right away, stop letting him blame BPD for his shitty behaviour.

She's lapping up his attention and he would actually do the things with her that he tells her he wants to do, given half the chance.

She is not your friend.

Drop her and drop him and your life will improve massively.

She's not one of your closest friends unfortunately. He is a cheat who is relying on his diagnosis to cheat. He is trying to cheat with this woman who you think is your friend. Why are you with him?

1... you looked at his phone because he is untrustworthy
2.... He is sexting your "friend"
3..... She is not your friend, she shouldn't allow it
4.... Stop being a victim of their making.

Hypersexual behaviour is not an excuse for your husband sexually harassing your friend, nor him cheating.

Your friend is so open minded her brains have fallen out. He’s behaving badly towards herself and you, and she’s coddling him and betraying you.

She knows this is wrong which is why she’s turning it back around onto you by criticising your snooping.

It doesn’t matter at all if you’ve snooped on his phone, it was warranted and deserved. He’s a serial cheat.

Whatever's going on here isn't in any way professional. If it were, a firm boundary would have been set at the first sexual comment that was directed at her personally. Ask this friend to bow out of your lives for a while so you can work on your relationship. Suggest it to H too. Their reactions will be telling

You summed it up in your opening post,you feel betrayed by them both .Why bother with either of them.

He is a cheater. She is not your friend. They are not trustworthy people. It is as simple as that.

You don’t need to get drawn into all the angst and why he does this and is it his illness and are the messages ok if she has a background in mental health and should you have snooped etc etc. Just remember the above.

Not sure I'd blame the friend. She obviously isn't encouraging the sexual comments and isn't reciprocating. It's all coming from the husband. She probably thought that telling Op would breach his confidentiality not to mention putting her in an awkward position.

Op writes Friend responds with either shock or laughing emoji but doesn't respond back otherwise.

The husband is the problem here. Op why are you still with him? You can't trust him.

LOL - your friend told you it was an invasion of privacy? So your DH is sending sexualised messages to her and she wants you to leave him to it? Because I hate to point out, that if you hadn't 'snooped', there was no way you were finding out. Because your FRIEND certainly wasn't telling you. So regardless, I can see who she values and it isn't you.

Do not allow yourself to be the person who hasn't been understanding enough or the one who has broken the trust. Put your boundaries in place and fix them, this is not acceptable. X

It doesn't really matter that she works in this field. She is your friend and she is not treating him professionally so she shouldn't be facilitating this sort of comment. It may well be that she feels she can't tell him to stop because that would upsest him or cause problems, but that's not okay.

Meanwhile, your H. might be seeking help but in the meantme his behaviour is completely not okay and I'd be suggesting that until he's got on top of his illness, the relationship needs ot be paused.

IGuessIllbetheFirst · wrote:
He is a cheater. She is not your friend. They are not trustworthy people. It is as simple as that

This is spot on!!!

I would consider reporting your friend to the professional body she belongs to. At best she is conning herself. He cheated on you and part of his making good will be to allow you unfettered access to his phone.

I would meet the friend talk about the messages and suggest that she needs to terminate her contact with your husband for professional reasons.

Also, as PP have pointed out. This is not client confidentiality. It's her friends husband. If she wants to look at it in a professional capacity then she has actually taken on a case with a conflict on interest as well as breaching moral boundaries by private messaging a client and allowing sexual innuendo. So that's absolute bogus about protecting confidentiality.

Do you want to be married to someone who cheats on you and sends sexual messages to your mutual friends, or not? That's your only choice. If you do want to stay married it will probably be easier if you don't go looking for the sexual messages. Also, get regular sexual health checks and use barrier protection. If you don't want to live like that you have to leave him.
I'm sorry you're going through this.

I couldn't be with him even if his behaviour is caused by his bipolar/hyper sexuality. It would just make me feel so betrayed and disrespected. And disgusted that my DH would be writing such things to my 'friend'. And her letting it happen is not necessarily the right thing to do either. She should shut it down.

OP, Bipolar does produce hyper sexuality in some people but generally its not uncontrollable, unless they are going through a bad manic episode (but if your partner was manic, his texts would be the least of your worries). Bipolar sufferers still have a choice, and they can decide what to do. I would never trust anyone who uses their mental health as an excuse for shitty behaviour - your friend including. Seems like she is as bad as you husband, and quite likes the attention. Her fake outrage of you "snooping" says it all! I think you are being gaslighted here. Your other half's "personal space" is not as important as your relationships surviving, and I bet you the only reason you "snooped" as you felt something was seriously off.

I would say dump them all, and at least distance yourself from both of them until they sort themselves out. Your husband needs to show you, clearly, that he is doing everything to get sorted and is doing everything to make sure your relationship survives. Your "friend" needs to back off and know her place.

But - relationship with a bipolar person is not a walk in the park (personal experience). Even if they are 100% devoted and want to be with you, its still hard, there are so many challenges and heartache(( And your DH is not even that committed, he is a cheat and a liar. I would let go, tbh.

Can you go somewhere away from the pair of them for a few days to think? It doesn't sound like either of them have your best interests at heart. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

He’s a creepy perv, and she is no friend. Cut them both loose. Neither of them respect you at all

They’re both taking you for a fool.

Your husband is a creep & your mate is no mate & not his saviour.

If she works in mental health services she knows there are boundaries between professional & friends