DH and best friend messaging

[flowersintheattic2]

In a nutshell - 'D'H talks with a mutual friend of ours (I met her originally and would consider her one of my closest friends). H is really struggling with his mental health at the moment, currently being seen by a psychiatrist for suspected bipolar - hyper-sexuality is a feature. Friend works in mental health field. I know they talk - no problem. In many ways they are similar. Our marriage is struggling at the moment following a ONS last year. We are working through this, rebuilding trust. No excuses - I snooped in his phone and read the conversation between H and friend. Most of it is general chit chat but my H will frequently write hyper-sexualised comments. I have spoken to him before about this, spoken about the inappropriateness of this. Friend responds with either shock or laughing emoji but doesn't respond back otherwise. H realised I snooped and now he refuses to talk with me. I feel betrayed by both parties tbh. I have spoken with my friend about it asking her opinion and she has been supportive, but shared that snooping was an invasion of his privacy. I am seeing my friend today and staying overnight. Meanwhile my relationship with my H is in tatters. Opinions and thoughts welcome.

Bipolar affects people differently of course. My sister has type 2 and was never sexually inappropriate to males.

That's why I'm saying you can have those feelings but that doesn't mean he has to act on them. It takes proper therapy, medication and self help to make it right. But that doesn't automatically make them cheat or have no morals.

I understand what you are saying of course. I just feel like people generalise so much on here about conditions saying it makes them do so and so. Not you, I mean some people on mumsnet and it makes me sad as it perpetuates false myths about behaviours. People do it on here with ND and BPD as well.

Gut instinct - he said he way going to a specific place. I used find my phone to see where he was - it was nowhere near where he said he was going.

So, what’s your plan, OP? You don’t trust him, he’s a cheater (and, tbh, I’d consider hyper sexual messages to another woman to be cheating).

So, either you’re fine with all of the above (totally your decision) - in which case, stop snooping on his phone and stressing out about it. Or you’re not fine with it, in which case you need to make a plan to leave. Those are your options.

If you want help and guidance re getting your ducks in a row, start a separate post and ask for it. MN is a surprisingly fantastic resource for practical advice around that sort of thing. Commenters really pull together to support women who need guidance on how to leave.

I have absolutely no means to leave. I have nowhere to go.

I understand it feels like this but it is possible. Perhaps start a thread in Relationships for longer term advice and support. There are many, many women there who have felt trapped in such toxic set-ups with no clear way out but they've found it's possible and made their way to a better place. You must not feel this is your life now and your only option is to put up with it, while they make you feel more and more powerless and (wrongly) at fault. Put yourself first.

@flowersintheattic2
Women have left with the clothes on their back and started a new life rather than be stuck with an abuser.
There is help out there, don't stay for the sake of a house or money.
He likely knows that and hence his shitty behaviour.

Let's all bear in mind he doesn't have a diagnosis!!!

@DonnyBurrito really appreciate your response and I feel it reflects what's going on.

I think a lot of women here have been cheated on and so they will find all this particularly triggering, and will be projecting some of their feelings onto the situation. I've not been cheated on (as far as I know) but I have some experience of this situation from the side of your friend.

I wondered where the behaviour of my friends husband came from, as like I say it wasn't just towards me. He clearly loves my friend, though, and she clearly loves him. It was just weird what he did, and it wasn't a secret either. Me and my friend discussed it quite a bit, and pulled him up on it directly together a couple of times.

I wondered whether he tried to test her all her female friends to see if we would betray her, or something. Or just to test our mettle, to see if we had 'banter' or insecurities, or other weaknesses. It always felt like some kind of test, but I could never figure out what exactly he was trying to achieve. Sometimes I thought he was trying to isolate her by making her distrustful of all her female friendships. I just felt on guard all the time, though. I imagine your friend might feel the same.

Could you and your friend could speak to your husband about it together, to show a unified front? It just needs to not be anything resembling therapy. Once the problem has been identified, he needs to take that to his own therapist for further support and exploration.

Could you afford for him to go private?

...because it's the only poster not telling you to dump his ass.

@flowersintheattic2

I have absolutely no means to leave. I have nowhere to go

Could he not leave? How would he react if you called it off & co-habit until one of you finds a place?

I mean, she can dump his ass if she wants. It's totally up to her to decide what she can deal with, and make the best choice for herself.

He has agreed to therapy to get to the bottom of things, and lot of people stay with someone who is harmful once they promise that. It is a last resort before divorce, but it can work.

There's only so much shitty behaviour that can be blamed on mental health.
Start looking for a way out of this relationship

Add in -

Your friend is blurring boundaries and blaming you about trust.

To the list. She is toxic to your relationship and his MH, their sexting needs to stop. Don't accept anything less than an apology from both of them and him working hard to regain your trust.

Uh…as a mental health provider myself I would say your “friend” has crossed so many boundaries inappropriately “supporting “ your dh that “go with the flow” doesn’t begin to describe it. More like a tsunami of bad faith emotional cheating and flirting under the guise of counseling and helping.

Stop. Get yourself into therapy to figure out why you think something can be salvaged from this wreck of a marriage.

Ultimately a marriage to a specific person is like choosing a car. You choose one you like, that runs reliably, and you drive it around. Some people—as was pointed out on another thread—like volvos, some people like ferraris. Whatever he was when you picked him this car husband is no longer fit for purpose. A tyre blew and fell off when he was unfaithful. Then he shamefacedly but rather proudly explained that because he is bipolar and hypersexually focused he can’t manage to function as a car at all.

The steering is whacked, he guzzles gas and the car itself won’t go since the tyre fell off. All you can do is sit in the seat and pretend to drive (live your life) while the car revs its engine at hot babes, flashes its lights, and then plays dead when you need it.