DH and best friend messaging

[flowersintheattic2]

In a nutshell - 'D'H talks with a mutual friend of ours (I met her originally and would consider her one of my closest friends). H is really struggling with his mental health at the moment, currently being seen by a psychiatrist for suspected bipolar - hyper-sexuality is a feature. Friend works in mental health field. I know they talk - no problem. In many ways they are similar. Our marriage is struggling at the moment following a ONS last year. We are working through this, rebuilding trust. No excuses - I snooped in his phone and read the conversation between H and friend. Most of it is general chit chat but my H will frequently write hyper-sexualised comments. I have spoken to him before about this, spoken about the inappropriateness of this. Friend responds with either shock or laughing emoji but doesn't respond back otherwise. H realised I snooped and now he refuses to talk with me. I feel betrayed by both parties tbh. I have spoken with my friend about it asking her opinion and she has been supportive, but shared that snooping was an invasion of his privacy. I am seeing my friend today and staying overnight. Meanwhile my relationship with my H is in tatters. Opinions and thoughts welcome.

You need to dump the both of them.

Your friend knows that she should have shut him down with regard to sexual messages. Your husband knows that he should not have sent them. They have both been caught out and are now blaming you for exposing their behaviour.

Just because your friend works in mental health doesn’t mean that she will conduct herself appropriately in her personal relationships. You sound like a very supportive person and obviously are worried about blaming your husband for his behaviour because of the suggestion that he could be bipolar. The question is whether it is common, or garden, cheating behaviour, rather than the overt and problematic sexual behaviour of someone in an episode of mania. The latter generally results in a great sense of shame and embarrassment in the sufferer because they don’t themselves approve of their actions.

If your friend believes the sexual messages are down to illness then she would know it wouldn’t be helpful to him to allow them to continue.

@Ceecee2422 I never ever snooped until there was reason to do so. Pretty sure there's plenty of crapped on people out there who wished they had snooped-

I'm no mental health expert but normally I'd expect if someone does something that's part of a compulsion, or as part of a manic phase, and their actions are something they're actively trying to manage...that they'd be regretful and apologetic afterwards. It doesn't sound like that's the case here, it sounds consistent

If he wanted to stop this behaviour but seek support surely he would recognise that it's best to confide in a male friend so there is not any temptation.

Mental illness or not, any fool can see that getting support for sex addiction, from someone pf the opposite sex that you'd consider sleeping with, that is your partners friend, outside of official channels that would protect both parties, is a fucking awful idea. And both of them should have put a hard stop to it the first time something inappropriate happened.

'Your friend knows that she should have shut him down with regard to sexual messages. Your husband knows that he should not have sent them. They have both been caught out and are now blaming you for exposing their behaviour'

This.

And agree your friend is not a friend. To either of you.

I think he needs to cut contact with her and seek professional help elsewhere either that or id leave. You can't possibly be happy with this and it's clear you deserve better. Maybe it's time to move on for your own good . If friend is a friend she should be suggesting they cut contact herself.

They are angry you ruined the fantasy.

Invasion of privacy.. he cheated on you, you knew the signs and caught it.

She is no friend if she didn't not stop the inappropriate comments, she's already teetering on the edge of professional misconduct if she is a medical position, she knows what she is doing.

I understand that he suffers from MH issues - However that shouldn’t be a blank reason to that what he wants - what about you and your MH? Specially as the background is that he already had a ONS. And if he’s on with her all the time - could it be an emotional affair?
you are probably trying to hold on I understand that but if he’s not all in with you is that even possible to heal from the infidelity?My limited experience with MN is that people would be against going through his phone - and whilst I don’t go through my partner’s phone this is because I have trust. He completely broke that trust - so for rebuilding being able to access his phone is crucial - I say this so you don’t get to hung up on the fact that your “supposed” friend has told you this. Not sure how your friend is justified this. Does she know about the ONS?

The thing is, he might have mental health problems and be a cheat.
This sounds more likely and that is something that mental health services cannot fix.
A single one night stand is dificult enough to get passed and you seem to have accepted the excuse that it was caused by his mental problems but this proves he has not changed and if he can't be 'fixed' then what's the point either way?

I am sorry, but as a mental health nurse I have supported a number of friends and their partners, but this is done in an open and transparent way. It is about listening, signposting and supporting- it’s about trying to find solutions to help with side effects and symptoms.

It is not about accepting sexualised messages - it is not about excluding the people that love them and it is not about overstepping the friendship boundaries. She is out of order, as is he!

For me there are still professional boundaries that need to be adhered to.

Kindly, this man has had an ONS previously, is sending sexual messages to another woman and is not meeting your needs. They are bring secretive and devious. Please re evaluate what you want and what you need.

I am also not sure I would be staying with her tonight- she doesn’t appear to be a good friend!

Indeed. And invites inexplicable comments such as, "Why not just ask him outright if he is cheating?"

No one with any degree of professionalism would be texting your husband like this. Inappropriate behaviour and plain wrong.
And he’s just another common or garden cheat using his diagnosis as an excuse.

It's not fair on this female friend to have to listen to his filth. If she's encouraging it then even worse. But I'd say you can't trust him talking to any women if he's obsessed with declaring he wants graphic sex with them at every turn.
He's a cheat, and he is using his mental illness as an excuse. If he's so horny, why not just direct it at you. Not women who have no interest or are not his partner.

You have MUG stamped on your head @flowersintheattic2 he’s cheating on you and will find every excuse under the sun to make sure you allow him to do so.

Her husband is the problem here but surely her friend should respond to his sexual comments by saying that he is being inappropriate and shutting it down. A laughing emoji doesn't scream disapproval.

A shock emoji does.

Not really.

Mental illness is no excuse to cheat. He has slept around on you in the past and now he's making gross, explicit advances toward another woman and you're blaming the mental illness instead of the man.

I have absolutely no means to leave. I have nowhere to go.

@JockTamsonsBairns yep- because of course every sleazebag or cheater is just going to say 'yep, it's a fair cop , you got me there' - my own view is if you are at the level you have tied up long term commitments, be it a home, children, finances - you have every right to know what's going on under your nose that might affect you or your families security and particularly if your partner has already proven themselves before as not that trustworthy. It's different if it's someone who is just a boyfriend you've known for a short time/don't live together etc -

Lawyer up - where there is a will there is a way

@flowersintheattic2 please work towards a position where you can leave , be it via work or a social referral etc - get yourself on the housing list pronto etc. you haven't mentioned children so am presuming there are none to consider. Are you fit and well and work ?

Sorry but he's using his bipolar as an excuse for being a fucker!

His mental doesn't matter. Yours does. Send him on his way. Living this way will be a slow death you deserve more.