DH and best friend messaging

[flowersintheattic2]

In a nutshell - 'D'H talks with a mutual friend of ours (I met her originally and would consider her one of my closest friends). H is really struggling with his mental health at the moment, currently being seen by a psychiatrist for suspected bipolar - hyper-sexuality is a feature. Friend works in mental health field. I know they talk - no problem. In many ways they are similar. Our marriage is struggling at the moment following a ONS last year. We are working through this, rebuilding trust. No excuses - I snooped in his phone and read the conversation between H and friend. Most of it is general chit chat but my H will frequently write hyper-sexualised comments. I have spoken to him before about this, spoken about the inappropriateness of this. Friend responds with either shock or laughing emoji but doesn't respond back otherwise. H realised I snooped and now he refuses to talk with me. I feel betrayed by both parties tbh. I have spoken with my friend about it asking her opinion and she has been supportive, but shared that snooping was an invasion of his privacy. I am seeing my friend today and staying overnight. Meanwhile my relationship with my H is in tatters. Opinions and thoughts welcome.

So he broke your trust and is making amends by sending sexualised messages to your ‘friend’.

And then trying to blame you for looking at his phone.

This relationship is dead in the water. The trust is gone. Find a way to move on and don’t waste any more of your life on this loser.

And hyper-sexualised my arse.

Makes me wonder if your 'friend' is keeping you close so she can see what's happening in your relationship before she makes her final move on him.
It all seems a bit fucked up. You're having issues with him and she's also having issues in her personal life.
There absolutely NO WAY I would trust either of them! It's an emotional affair at the moment that will progress as she's not shutting him down.

As she works in mental health services she should be aware that the partners of the mentally ill need support. If she was my friend I would expect her to be supporting me not him. If he is getting professional help he doesn’t need her. I don’t see how laughing, even if only with an emoji, at his hyper sexualised comments is professional or helpful to him. I think she’s just enjoying it.

Honestly I'd get shut of both of them. She can support his mental health permanently if she's so bloody good!

You can't trust him love. Thats the bottom line.

Just leave. It's OK 💐

Dump them both.

He's obviously a prick.

She is not innocent. Any decent friend (or person!) who starts getting sexual messages from a married man simply stops the contact. It's not difficult.

Continuing the conversation and simply going 😲😂 when he says something filthy is her lapping up the attention/drama/risqué aspect of it. She's a prick too basically. DEFINITELY NOT your friend op.

Imagine how much better your life would be without these 2 sleazy twazzocks in it.

Sod that, I think you’re making far too many excuses for his behaviour………why do you need to be treated like this?

That's not good. I would not stay with him. God knows how many times, he's messaged women in general saying those things. Your relationship is over. He could direct his sexual energy towards you or at porn, not your friend! It's over now.

Sorry but she is not your friend. I could not accept this situation. If he needs counselling he should get it from a professional.

Frankly, I think you’d be better off without either of them in your life.

It all sounds like such hard work.

What, if anything, are you getting out of this relationship?

Bipolar doesn't make you cheat or be inappropriate. That's on your husband.

You can feel hypersexualised but you don't have to act on it.

@flowersintheattic2 Most of it is general chit chat but my H will frequently write hyper-sexualised comments. I have spoken to him before about this, spoken about the inappropriateness of this. Friend responds with either shock or laughing emoji but doesn't respond back otherwise.

Your friend could say it's inappropriate, but writing back with a negative response could risk the friendship, which isn't a good thing to do to someone with mental health issues. So your friend chooses to respond with a single emoji which is a why of shrugging off the comment without explicitly calling them out on it.

In other words, your friend hasn't done anything wrong. So why do you feel betrayed by her?

Oh Jesus.

do you think you’ll ever get the trust back? 100%??? Is there anytime you think you’ll be like Yep. Never worry

if not then you’ll never ever have the same relationship.

him talking about being sexual with your best friends is fucking horrific. Please see that….

Totally inappropriate of her to be engaging. She’s apparently enjoying the attention.
I would be very wary of her too… and you already know your husband can’t be trusted.

Exactly, police snoop massively if someone is under investigation…….private investigators snoop to find requested information…….snooping through a phone when you suspect them of foul behaviour is pretty low on the scale of finding out information, tell him you’ll hire someone next time lol but on a serious note get rid and find your self respect……..

If she works in mental health she has atrocious boundaries. She is not his therapist. She needs to stop this. She thinks she is being supportive but look what it's led to. And he is a knob.

I'm a "mental health professional" (RMN) I also have bipolar so probably have reasonable insight here.

If in a professional capacity someone made sexual comments towards me I would tell them that that was inappropriate. I might explore why they felt they could / wanted to / needed to make those comments but my first step always wouldn't be to brush it off but to be clear that that's not OK, boundaries matter for both me and the person.

If a friend wants support and advice about their mental health, I give that as a friend. I say things to friends I wouldn't say to people I'm working with (because it's a different relationship). I might use some of my professional knowledge to signpost if it's helpful, not like I can unknow things, but I absolutely wouldn't be "working" with a friend.

If a friend made sexual comments towards me I would ask them wtf they were doing? And tell them to stop. If they didn't I would stop talking to them. If I genuinely thought the comments were because they were unwell I would still tell them to stop and not have private conversations with them.

Mania can make you less in control of what you do (because it can affect the whole way you think so what seems real to you is different, including how things might impact others or yourself and how important that might be) but those symptoms would usually be noticeable in everything- how you speak to everyone, how you manage at work, day to day tasks, planning etc. If symptoms are lower level, you likely have enough control and awareness to chose not to do things that will cause issues. You might want to do it, when your "normal" self wouldn't even think of it, but you can probably still decide it's a bad idea and not do it.

I know it’s easier said than done but I’d be preparing to end the relationships you have with both of them.
She is not being professional and she is most certainly not being a friend to you.

That's not on. It really isn't. If it was a therapist he was doing this to, then hopefully the therapist would use it as part of their work, but this woman is a friend and also his wife's good friend. She should be refusing to have private conversations with him now that he's shown he can't or won't stop himself making sexual advances. I'd be annoyed with her as well as him.

Actually, it very much does compel you to be inappropriate, take risks and behave destructively when in the grip of a phase.

But you're right to an extent, when not in a manic phase he should be desperate to recognise and address his behaviour. How much effort he puts in is a fair reflection on how much he cares about how his behaviour affects people around him.

As a lifelong sufferer I'd advise OP to walk away and, this sounds bad, it's hereditary so he's at risk of passing this on.

She’s right - snooping through his phone is an invasion of his privacy and it isn’t acceptable, regardless of whether he’s cheating/cheated or not.

You can’t trust him. The second you thought snooping through his phone was a good idea the relationship was dead in the water.

He doesn't need counselling; you do.

The fact that you can even consider accepting his poor behaviour shows that your boundaries are non-existent, but you are oblivious to this.

You need help to work out why you have become so pliable. You need help to look at this relationship through fresh eyes and see that it is not healthy and not sustainable. You also need help to examine all aspects of this relationship to see the other (doubtless ways) he is capitalising on his bi-polar.

You will get a lot of sound advice on here if you carry on posting, but you should also talk to a family member or trusted work colleague about the situation.

This is not on op at all and who is she to tell you that looking on your own dh's phone is a breach of privacy, cheeky cow.

Do you have kids, can you leave? I would ask this so-called friend to block him. The only thing is he'll soon find someone else to flirt with and probably do it more secretly with hidden apps.

I think a ons is forgivable depending on circumstances, not however when the culprit seems to be after a repeat performance. Sorry .