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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4 year old daughter upset with her birthday party idea

207 replies

Orangeandpinknails · 01/02/2025 08:06

Put this on AIBU because it's more likely to be viewed.

My little girl is 3 and will be 4 end of Feb. She has been so excited for a birthday party and we booked her one last night in a cheaper place that she has been to before for a friend's party. It's all we can really afford at the moment and I've just told her about it. She started crying saying it's a baby play area and she doesn't want to go there for her party and that she wants to go to another certain play area for her birthday. We've already paid now so not sure if can cancel and get a refund but also, this other place will cost us about £60 more which we can't really afford right now.

What would you do?

OP posts:
KilkennyCats · 01/02/2025 14:07

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 01/02/2025 08:57

As disappointing as her reaction is to you this is a essential parenting experience which you can learn a lot from. Now she is able to use words to express her feelings and wants more clearly you are going to have things like this said again and again in the future.

References to friends holidays, toys, technology. What kind of shows they are allowed to watch. My latest issue with my 7 year old is make up to school and crop tops for example. Two things I don't allow currently but two of her best friends are allowed.

Yes it's difficult when they get upset. Yes we can feel guilty. But it's up to us as parents to draw the boundaries on what we can or will do and what we will or will not allowed.

Yes DD that softplay is really cool! You had a great time there. Your party is booked at X softplay. What party bags will be pick? Get her involved in what she can choose.

My latest issue with my 7 year old is make up to school and crop tops for example. Two things I don't allow currently but two of her best friends are allowed

What on earth?? 😵‍💫

OOlivePenderghast · 01/02/2025 14:38

I don’t see why the £60 is relevant now. Obviously if the OP could go back in time ask and what party her daughter wanted, she may have been able to scrimp and save the extra £60. Instead she chose the £60 cheaper venue because it’s an appropriate soft play for a 4 year olds birthday and saves a bit of money. Now the other venue is paid for, she would have to pay the equivalent of two parties to go for the more expensive soft play.
I would just really big up the party and decorations etc like other people have said.

twoshedsjackson · 01/02/2025 14:58

@KilkennyCats , have you considered telling your daughter that you are calling the mummies of the friends who are allowed to wear crop tops and makeup to school, to find out how they got permission for this?
The whizzing sound you will possibly hear is the desperate backpedalling.
"Everybody else is allowed" is an oft-repeated complaint.

Notimeforaname · 01/02/2025 14:59

Ffs, she's three. She gets what she gets and that's it. You tell her it's this, or no party at all.

cherish123 · 01/02/2025 15:08

Cancel and tell her it's now cake and games in the garden.

mikado1 · 01/02/2025 15:12

We had home parties (small house) from 1-5. I just went about the planning and organising with them with the understanding it was at home. Did old style games etc and those parties were a big hit! One of those years I did meet 3 pals separately in a play centre and paid for them in and brought a bought cake and blew out candles at our table. So it felt like two parties, as such.
With your situation, I'm sure she will be happy on the day and enjoy it. I wouldn't be talking about money at that age really, just were not able to go there so were going here.

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 01/02/2025 15:21

@KilkennyCats I know!! I cannot understand why other parents would think this is ok. My daughter cried and felt it was unfair. I had to explain in the best way possible why she couldn't be like her friends. It upset her. My point I hoped I made to the OP was we will upset our children at times with our choices and that is ok.

NiftyKoala · 01/02/2025 15:45

KittyPup · 01/02/2025 08:09

Kindly, if it’s so tight that £60 makes such a difference, maybe don’t have a party. It’s not a necessary expense. Do a smaller something at home with a few friends and family.

Agree. Of maybe take them to a park if weather is nice.

SpiderPigSpiderPigDoesWhateverASpiderPigDoes · 01/02/2025 15:46

Where on earth did you get that conclusion?

Probably from you saying that this three year old was 'lucky to be having a party' and that she should appreciate it.

Presumably the OP has arranged a party in the first place for her child because she actually likes her and wants her to have a lovely birthday.

stichguru · 01/02/2025 15:51

There are lots of things that children shouldn't get a say in, but where they have their own party is actually one of the few they should. It sounds like you booked the party without consulting her. I think you should re-plan the party. Obviously you don't just have to do whatever she wants, if X party is too expensive then you can tell her that. Give her a few reasonably priced options X play area, or a party at home for example. Or X play area or Y trampolining place or whatever. It IS about her, and so it should be.

Didimum · 01/02/2025 15:53

Don’t let your 3yr old call the shots.

stichguru · 01/02/2025 15:58

SpiderPigSpiderPigDoesWhateverASpiderPigDoes · 01/02/2025 08:55

I think having a party where she doesn't want to go or telling her it's that or nothing is madness. It's supposed to be a good thing, a birthday party.

Ive got two adult children who are perfectly rounded people and are not spoiled but I have treated them nicely. Why wouldn't you?

It's OK to issue ultimatums over important things. Brushing teeth, crossing the road, behaving in china shops, but 'have your party here or no party at all you spoilt brat' isn't one of them.

Exactly. There are many, many situations where children SHOULD go with what adults think is best for them, because adults know best, but YOUR party is something YOU get to chose, obviously within adult budgets and stuff, but these people saying allowing a kid to have a say in their own party is spoiling them are crazy!

Neveragain35 · 01/02/2025 16:04

I would tell her the other place is fully booked, and then distract her with things like what kind of cake does she want, come up with a theme for the party, ask what shall we put in the party bags etc etc. She’ll get over it!

You could also offer to take her and a friend to the other place she likes another time?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 01/02/2025 17:10

Tekbrobillionaire · 01/02/2025 13:30

Some of these ridiculous responses illustrate perfectly why we have ungrateful teenagers who are dissatisfied with life.
Also it’s lazy parenting which results in depressed teenagers as they’ve not had parents who bothered to teach them they can’t have everything they want and they can’t handle it as they’re so used to getting their own way.

It’s not being nasty to teach them that money is tight and that parties are not an essential or to make them aware that many children cannot have a party at all. Doesn’t mean you don’t love them or care ffs.

I was thinking this. I mean, yes, this might not be the party she wants right NOW, but ask her again tomorrow or next week and the answer will be something else, especially if she goes to a party in the meantime - she will then want whatever she has just seen. At this age they are influenced by the last thing they see/do, they don't have long held desires,they are ephemeral little beings.

But the tripping over themselves of some people saying they should be consulting what is basically a toddler makes me wonder when this would end. Yes, give the little one a say, but over small things like which cake or colour of candles, the rest they will change their minds about more often than they change their socks!

Hillarious · 01/02/2025 18:46

Snugglemonkey · 01/02/2025 09:59

And 3 year olds do not have opinions? It is her birthday party, it should be a happy thing. Now there are tears, people even calling it brattish. She is being expected to be happy about something she doesn't want and she is tiny. Her input was required.

Show quote history

To reiterate what @Soontobe60 said, she’s 3.

TammyJones · 01/02/2025 18:52

KittyPup · 01/02/2025 08:09

Kindly, if it’s so tight that £60 makes such a difference, maybe don’t have a party. It’s not a necessary expense. Do a smaller something at home with a few friends and family.

This.
I don't think she's been bratty at all.

YourOwnPersonalCheeses · 01/02/2025 18:56

Overthebow · 01/02/2025 08:21

Why wouldn’t she remember the party? My 4 year old talks about her birthday parties she’s had all the time, and plans her next ones. Birthday parties a big deal at this age.

Show quote history

Parties? Plural? She’s had 4 birthdays in her life so far and you say she remembers at least two of them?

Cool story.

Filed under “things that didn’t happen”.

MumChp · 01/02/2025 18:59

I would never consult a 3/4 years old about what venue we booked for a 4 yo party.
Game over.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 01/02/2025 19:00

We are the same op! My daughters 4 in march and wanted soft play and also wanted all 18 kids from pre school there - the price got out of control ! I’ve scaled right back now and got a function room in our local pub (they let us have it free) and my friend is going to face paint and we are going to have a little disco and games !

I just can’t afford anything else as my husband got made redundant last week.

we sat her down today and explained and are trying to get her involved in the planning and choosing games and stuff - she was disappointed as she said her friends soft play party was the best party ever 😫 so I feel your pain!

but I think at this age they can be talked round easy enough

good luck

xmaspomanon · 01/02/2025 19:01

If you can cancel you could go to the bigger area but she can only pick one or two friends. That's the reality for her. Don't feel bad.
We have a tiny house and can squeeze 6 around a table so that's the party guest limit.

creamsnugjumper · 01/02/2025 19:01

Wasn't there an option to just have some friends over and do the old fashioned house party?

Could you cancel and revert to that?

starsinthedarksky · 02/02/2025 17:44

If you’re able to refund, I would do that and then have a party at home. You can get some craft bits from the works/hobbycraft/supermarkets and do your own lunch (a buffet or little packed lunches) for way cheaper!

starsinthedarksky · 02/02/2025 17:50

rainbowstardrops · 01/02/2025 09:20

To be fair, we always had a conversation with our children re what they'd like to do for their birthday. If it was too expensive, we'd tell them that wasn't an option!
As you've already booked the soft play though, I'd just try to big it up and make it sound more appealing to her

Always ask my eldest daughter too (youngest is only one so can’t tell us yet😂). She picks bloody peppa pig world every time😂

laraitopbanana · 02/02/2025 18:52

Hi,

tell her the other place is fully booked until this summer and so she can have the party for her birthday at the place she « doesn’t want » OR a summer party in the place she wants.

She gets to choose and you have time to spare money.

Good luck 🌺

longerdaysinspring · 02/02/2025 20:05

YourOwnPersonalCheeses · 01/02/2025 18:56

Parties? Plural? She’s had 4 birthdays in her life so far and you say she remembers at least two of them?

Cool story.

Filed under “things that didn’t happen”.

Show quote history

?

I am not the poster you replied to but I have a four year old who remembers the party we had for him when he turned three and the one we had for him when he turned four.

Why wouldn’t he? I mean, I only have vague memories but I do have a few fleeting memories of when I was three and when I was four!

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