4 year old daughter upset with her birthday party idea

[Orangeandpinknails]

Put this on AIBU because it's more likely to be viewed.

My little girl is 3 and will be 4 end of Feb. She has been so excited for a birthday party and we booked her one last night in a cheaper place that she has been to before for a friend's party. It's all we can really afford at the moment and I've just told her about it. She started crying saying it's a baby play area and she doesn't want to go there for her party and that she wants to go to another certain play area for her birthday. We've already paid now so not sure if can cancel and get a refund but also, this other place will cost us about £60 more which we can't really afford right now.

What would you do?

Disappointments I mean.

I really don’t think she sounds spoilt. She sounds sad that she’s been booked a party she doesn’t want. Kids are too little to mask and fake through their disappointment and arguably you wouldn’t want that for her? I would feel rubbish following through with a party she didn’t want; but if there are no other options then I guess can just treat the venue as a space to host people and the kids will be happy running around with balloons. Nice cake and presents she will still be happy.

She is 4. Start as you mean to go on.

She doesn’t sound spoilt. Your mistake was booking it without asking her first. If she said it’s babyish it must be.

Has she picked a theme? If not then I'd maybe get her to pick a theme and get her really excited about that, involve her lots with it, and just focus on the parts which make a birthday special; the friends, cake, games, presents, balloons, decorations, music... Maybe get her a special big girls party dress that's on theme, too (eBay will have lots of great second hand ones). She does seem a bit worried her friends might think it's babyish, so if you make sure all of the party sundries are very cool and trendy (but age appropriate, obv) then she might get her head around the location being less important.

Not saying that's a perfect solution, but I'm pretty sure it's all my 3.5 YO would care about... Although maybe in 6 months time he will get a bit more particular 👀

Good luck, hope she enjoys herself!

I'd say "DD, we can't have the party at that place as it costs too much money. Do you want the party you can have, or not?" I think its absolutely fine to be honest with DC from a young age about financial limitations. It's going to come up at some stage when Jane is going to Disney for three weeks or John has a swimming pool in his garden. It's nothing to be ashamed of and doesn't need to be concealed.

Really not an option for a lot of people, hence having to shell out for a party outside the home, or not have one.

My son had a party at a small soft play area when he was 4. We'd been to bigger ones before but he had a great time at this one with all his nursery friends there. A lot of babies also went there as part of it was suitable for them too and it was ideal for children up to 6 with smaller siblings. No one wanted to go home at the end. Can you just push the idea that it will be so much fun with all her friends there?

It’s important to teach kids to reason: i.e. be reasonable, hear others’ points of view and suggest compromises.

In restrospect, it would’ve been better to discuss the different options with your DD before you booked. Listen to her reasons for wanting a certain place, acknowledging them, then explaining there isn’t the budget for it and suggesting a compromise. Also explaining that not all kids have birthday parties in venues that have to be paid for, to give perspective.

Given it’s already booked, I’d have a calm chat with your DD. Listen to her concerns and again ask for ideas to compromise. For example, ways the party could feel less babyish (e.g. via the cake, her party outfit or playing some more grown up games in the food area). Maybe she’s worried her friends will tease her, in which case you should let her know that’d be ungrateful and mean of them.

I bet they’ll have a great time when they’re there. You can have fun anywhere with good mates.

My tip: first, empathise empathise empathise. You say, I hear what you are saying. the she feels listened to. you say, we can cancel and have a little grey boring party at home, with 3 people. We can all have a quite time, with a sandwich and a cup cake to celebrate. So now you as mum big up the real party, go supersonic, on your description.

You say so-and-so (you, before she was born?) went to the place, and loved it. Father Christmas told you about it in a letter. Whatever you think wld resonate with your daughter. Build an exciting picture of it. Say how the party is different from what she’s done before there, for instance…. Massive chocolate cake, all your best friends, granny will be there, you get to wear your party dress, anything different you can call on! Anything. at that age, they know so little.

ultimately you’ve also given her the choice, if she doesn’t want the outside party, then have a little party at home. But I bet she’ll want the big bright party.

Wise advice from @Canthelpmyselffromjoiningin.

Kids are so fickle at that age. They always want the last thing in their mind.

I also think digital payments don’t help kids learn about money. Can help if you count out the real money, so they can see how much it is in real life. Or do some maths with them by writing down how much it is per child multiplied by the number of children. Then add the cost of party bags, food etc. That way they feel move involved in planning, more grown up, they’re learning how to plan and budget and practising some real-life maths without even realising.

I have 4 children, admittedly much older than yours, but we did home parties until at least 8-9yo. Also, we only had a birthday party every second year for each child, but they might get a bigger birthday present instead.
Parties at home are fun, nobody notices the state of your house if you put streamers and balloons everywhere. Pass the parcel is actually really good. Pinatas. A few times we hired someone ( like a reptile handler) to keep the kiddies entertained for a bit. Other times just games ( musical chairs, statues, mr wolf etc). Then after some food and the cake it's time to go.Always only did 2 and a half hours max). Hand out the lolly bags - I did go big on them, but never accounted for siblings. I also didn't cater for adults as I pretty much pushed them out the door "see you at 3" Close the door on the last to leave and open some chardy. Job done.

Sorry but what? This is total bollocks. Some children remember things much earlier. I clearly remember my third birthday. My mum got me a cake from the bakers and it had chocolate sprinkled on the cream on the sides. I was so excited but was on strict orders to not touch it. I waited all day and then my cousins turned up and David ( the little turd) stuck his dirty finger right in the side of my cake and scooped a load of cream and sprinkles out and I burst out crying.

I’m not saying you need to up your party game though. A party is a lovely thing, just manage her expectations and basically tell her is this party which will be great fun or nothing.

Tell her that she can have the party there or she doesn’t have a party .

To be honest, I'd just say that if she doesn't like the place you've chosen, there won't be a party. I know she's only 3, but she does need to know that a party isn't an entitlement.

DD is 4, nearly 5, and last year she had a huge party in a hall with bouncy castle, almost 50 friends (she's very sociable and at the time was spending some days at preschool and others at nursery so she knew a lot of people). This year, we're taking her and a friend for a day out at a children's museum, because we don't have much spare money right now and we also have a lot going on and I don't have the bandwidth for party planning.

We've explained that some years she will have a party and others she won't and she understands that.

I agree with both pps, yes.

Oh well, as you are acting like a spoilt brat not wanting to come, you can stay with the childminder and we'll go without you...

She is 3. She’s a little person who is a bit disappointed, and she can’t hold it in. She’s built up her birthday so much already it’s a bit overwhelming. She’s not ‘spoilt’. Honestly for all those posters saying (basically) my way or the highway put a sock in it. She isn’t throwing a hissy fit. There are adults who put on a bigger show than this little one.
I’d talk to her and let her know that the bigger one is too much money for mum & dad, and that the one you’ve booked will make sure that ALL her friends can have fun (some will be a bit small for the bigger one). Remind her of the fun she had at the other child’s party. Talk about what theme she wants and look at the options for the food with her. Start making a list of the things you’re both deciding on. She will be fine. (Im having my little ones 4th party a month later. I know there’ll be some big emotions, just like yours).

When a child whines about something, it’s your job as the parent to help change their mindset by distraction and the power of suggestion.

Talk about how much you’re looking forward to the party, leave it a bit then mention what activities she’ll be doing, what food you’ll be eating and basically turn it into an event that she’ll look forward to.

Drip feed little nuggets of information rather than including everything at once, works best in my experience.

I have to agree - I am a shameless drop and go-er.
Will do a playdate at home but not parties. Too much work and cleaning up. Home is our relaxing place.

Do not let your 4 year old decide on your debt!

I’ve literally never known anyone do this.

sorry, edit to clarify I’ve never known anyone go for a party at home: it’s soft play or a hired hall.

As an aside I wish posters would stop saying ‘she is 3.’ The thread is full of it and I know they think they’re making a clever perceptive point but they aren’t, not least because some are ‘she is 3 why didn’t you ask her’ and some are ‘she is 3 why did you tell her.’

The OP knows how old her daughter is!

If you cant afford it, you can't afford it, it's as simple as that. Give your little girl the option , either she has the party at the place you've already booked, or not have a party this year and try and save up for a party at her chosen venue next year. Maybe you can take her somewhere instead this year , so you'll still be doing something nice for her birthday . If you think you'll be able to afford it, you can tell her that youll try and have her 5th birthday party at the place she wants x

I don't think she's being bratish, she doesn't understand the cost of living crisis etc, she's just being 4. Little things don't have a clue 😊