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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4 year old daughter upset with her birthday party idea

207 replies

Orangeandpinknails · 01/02/2025 08:06

Put this on AIBU because it's more likely to be viewed.

My little girl is 3 and will be 4 end of Feb. She has been so excited for a birthday party and we booked her one last night in a cheaper place that she has been to before for a friend's party. It's all we can really afford at the moment and I've just told her about it. She started crying saying it's a baby play area and she doesn't want to go there for her party and that she wants to go to another certain play area for her birthday. We've already paid now so not sure if can cancel and get a refund but also, this other place will cost us about £60 more which we can't really afford right now.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Iwanttoliveonamountain · 01/02/2025 08:47

She is 3.

FanofLeaves · 01/02/2025 08:47

needhelpwiththisplease · 01/02/2025 08:34

She has two choices....
This party or no party
She is 4!
When did pre schoolers get to dictate what they want and how much money parents should spend on something?
This is batshit

At three-four they don’t get to have preference for what they like or what they might enjoy? Really? people attach too many adult behaviours onto what is essentially just a small child having a clear idea of what they want but haven’t learnt all the social skills to be completely reasonable about it yet.

Rosybud88 · 01/02/2025 08:48

I’d tell her it’s that or no party. She doesn’t get to dictate to you and she is lucky to have a lovely mum like you who has booked her a birthday party in these difficult times.

BananaSpanner · 01/02/2025 08:50

You could tell her that you’ve tried to book the other place and it’s fully booked so it’s the one you’ve chosen or no party.

Or you can just say the other place is too expensive, this is what you’ve booked and she’ll have a wonderful time with her friends.

MargaretThursday · 01/02/2025 08:51

It's not being spoilt for her to have a preference. She has no concept of money so as far as she can tell it's her choice.

Parties are a big thing at that age, and they do remember (heck, I remember my 3yo party, and yes I know it was that one because we moved house shortly after. I also remember my dsis party when I was 3yo, because I had measles so it had to be postponed and she was cross 😂)

Explain to her that once a party is booked it can't be changed for another place, so she can have this party, a party at home or a day out with one friend, or something similar.
But also say that next year you'll talk to her before booking. And next year give her a choice - if you can save up over the year for the place she wants this year, then that's lovely.

Next year she'll have more concept of money, so you can show her:
"We have £200 for a party. This place cost £150 so you then can only have this cake/this in party bags/ Or we can go to this place for £100 and then also have..."
Use counters for every £10 so she can see them being used up. It's a good lesson for them.

Calliekins · 01/02/2025 08:53

Whilst she may have initially been upset I think once there with her friends she will have the best time! Us mums can over worry in these situations and your daughter is only 3 rising 4. Personally I'd stick to the plan and just put my energy into ensuring it's lots of fun!

skippy67 · 01/02/2025 08:54

Tell her that if she wants a party, that's where is going to be. Then get on with your day.

SpiderPigSpiderPigDoesWhateverASpiderPigDoes · 01/02/2025 08:55

I think having a party where she doesn't want to go or telling her it's that or nothing is madness. It's supposed to be a good thing, a birthday party.

Ive got two adult children who are perfectly rounded people and are not spoiled but I have treated them nicely. Why wouldn't you?

It's OK to issue ultimatums over important things. Brushing teeth, crossing the road, behaving in china shops, but 'have your party here or no party at all you spoilt brat' isn't one of them.

Rachmorr57 · 01/02/2025 08:55

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

fourelementary · 01/02/2025 08:56

She’s not being spoilt, she’s being age appropriate tbh. It’s a lesson for you to not book things for someone without their input surely?
I have four children and I think we’ve had maybe 8-10 parties across all kids over the many years- as they had a choice of a “big” gift OR a party due to the expense. So most years most kids have chosen the present over the party… money does matter and kids need to learn we don’t have unlimited funds. Also with a party they get x number of extra presents so that meant less from us if we were paying for a party.

The parties were always discussed though- well maybe not the baby ones obviously…

Soontobe60 · 01/02/2025 08:56

TwentyTwentyFive · 01/02/2025 08:20

Did you discuss with her what kind of party she would like before booking? Yes she's only 3 but it is a party for her and it sounds like she isn't interested in this venue and would have probably preferred an alternative like a hired hall or smaller tea party at home which would probably have also been cheaper.

Edited

Hahaha! She’s 3!

AshCrapp · 01/02/2025 08:57

Agree with others. Tell her that she can have this party, or one at home.

Might be worth mentioning money, just to get the concept out there. When I started telling DS "that's too expensive, we don't have enough money" it was strangely liberating. Almost like I'd been contortig myself in knots making up reasons why his friends had bigger houses and better toys when actually the reason is "their family has more money"

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 01/02/2025 08:57

As disappointing as her reaction is to you this is a essential parenting experience which you can learn a lot from. Now she is able to use words to express her feelings and wants more clearly you are going to have things like this said again and again in the future.

References to friends holidays, toys, technology. What kind of shows they are allowed to watch. My latest issue with my 7 year old is make up to school and crop tops for example. Two things I don't allow currently but two of her best friends are allowed.

Yes it's difficult when they get upset. Yes we can feel guilty. But it's up to us as parents to draw the boundaries on what we can or will do and what we will or will not allowed.

Yes DD that softplay is really cool! You had a great time there. Your party is booked at X softplay. What party bags will be pick? Get her involved in what she can choose.

Completelyjo · 01/02/2025 08:58

If she was just having a tantrum that came down to “I want” it’s something to ignore but have you booked a younger babyish play space? If it’s not the type of place she would want to play in it’s understandable she wouldn’t want her birthday there when she wants to feel like a big girl.
Can you cancel the place and do a tea party at home?
Is there anything extra you were going to do that you could cut from the budget to go for the second space if you don’t have space? Party bags/ decorations?

Netmumnet · 01/02/2025 08:58

I would get her excited by going to a shop and picking out themed party decorations and plates/cups etc that she likes.

needhelpwiththisplease · 01/02/2025 08:58

@FanofLeaves she is getting a voice / preference.
This party or home

Rachmorr57 · 01/02/2025 08:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TwentyTwentyFive · 01/02/2025 08:59

Soontobe60 · 01/02/2025 08:56

Hahaha! She’s 3!

Show quote history

Not sure what's so funny. Do you think 3 nearly 4 year olds don't have ideas on what they like? She's expressing her opinion in a totally age appropriate way nothing wrong with that.

Overthebow · 01/02/2025 08:59

TheyAreNotAngelsTheyDontCareAtAll · 01/02/2025 08:23

Do you remember your 4th birthday party, or only 'remember' due to photo's of the event?
Not being goady, just that human adults rarely remember detail from that early

Show quote history

Yes I actually do! I know some adults don’t remember much from childhood but I do. And children will remember for a few years before they start to forget, especially events important to them like birthday parties.

SpiderPigSpiderPigDoesWhateverASpiderPigDoes · 01/02/2025 09:00

Netmumnet · 01/02/2025 08:58

I would get her excited by going to a shop and picking out themed party decorations and plates/cups etc that she likes.

Do people buy party decorations when the party is at soft play? And they are already struggling with money?

ServantsGonnaServe · 01/02/2025 09:00

Tell her the other one was booked so the party is here or nowhere (ideally in softer language about how much you wanted to have a party so she could have all her friends, that it's about people not places etc etc)

I'm surprised at 3/4 she's commenting on stuff being for babies 👶

TwentyTwentyFive · 01/02/2025 09:02

I'm surprised at 3/4 she's commenting on stuff being for babies 👶

I don't think that's surprising at all actually. Age 3/4 is in my experience prime age for wanting to be not seen as a baby any more.

Completelyjo · 01/02/2025 09:03

I don’t think it’s necessarily spoilt. Presumably you have been talking to her about her birthday, telling her she was having a party, getting her excited and then to a 4 year old it’s the equivalent of giving her a football party when she wants a princess party. No 4 year old wants to feel like a baby in a toddler play space.

Completelyjo · 01/02/2025 09:04

@ServantsGonnaServe I'm surprised at 3/4 she's commenting on stuff being for babies

Have you met a 3/4 year old? Being a big girl/ boy and not being a baby is basically all they talk about!

whyhere · 01/02/2025 09:04

Cancel it (if you can get a refund) and give the money to a children's charity instead. Lesson learned!