4 year old daughter upset with her birthday party idea

[Orangeandpinknails]

Put this on AIBU because it's more likely to be viewed.

My little girl is 3 and will be 4 end of Feb. She has been so excited for a birthday party and we booked her one last night in a cheaper place that she has been to before for a friend's party. It's all we can really afford at the moment and I've just told her about it. She started crying saying it's a baby play area and she doesn't want to go there for her party and that she wants to go to another certain play area for her birthday. We've already paid now so not sure if can cancel and get a refund but also, this other place will cost us about £60 more which we can't really afford right now.

What would you do?

Of course it’s a choice.
Many children have parties at home. OP doesn’t want to do that. That’s her choice.
3/4 year olds are in preschool with friends every day, it’s not abnormal for them to know about birthday parties or want one for their birthday nor is it a new thing.

I've got an almost 3yo and a 5yo and don't think this necessarily makes her spoilt, they just have no concept of money and live in the moment at this age. Speaking of which, 2 weeks ago, my 5yos bike was the biggest heap of junk EVER (it's not it was brand new in October) and we were the WORST parents making him ride it when his best friend got a new one for Christmas. He loves his bike again now.
Try not to be too hurt, she doesn't understand you've dug deep for the best party you can afford, she's just caught up with the image in her head. I'd take her to the soft play on a play date with an enthusiastic child, point out how fun it was, explain how much more fun it will be with all her friends there for the party, if they've got a party room, point out that and where she'll sit when her friends sing happy birthday, cake etc.
When my now 5yo was 3, him and his friends would play planning their birthday parties every day at nursery so we got some weird and wonderful suggestions and every party he went to, he wanted that party. In reality at that age any soft play (most of the party soft play places here are smaller than you describe but kids that age make their own games when they are all together) cake and a party bag will be perfect.

For some context, my kids didn’t have parties until they started school. Before that it would be a day out and family round for cake.
one year my son wanted a laser tag party, but the age limit was 8, it was his 8th birthday and most of his friends were still 7, so I booked a popular soft play instead. Well, this was not well received by him and yes, there were tears. When it actually came to it, he had the best birthday ever. Whatever you end up doing, she will have a lovely time.

Why didn't you ask her before you booked?
She is only 3!

I think you just need to press ahead with the one you’ve booked. If she makes a fuss just say the other one was booked and not available. I think she’ll firget about it tbh once she’s having a lovely time at her own party . I had an almost 5 year old who suddenly said he didn’t want the party we’d booked (which we had chosen). We went ahead and he had a great time

Because 4 year olds are actually people with their own minds and preferences. At this age they know about birthdays and parties, will usually have been to lots of their friends parties and know when their birthday is. Things like this are a big deal to lots of them.

I wouldn’t be engaging in this, she’s 3! I’d honestly just say ‘ ok that’s fine, we will have your party without you then’ and leave it at that. It’s not a drama it’s a party, she’ll soon change her tune.

It sounds like you're projecting.
She's 3 years old.

That's vile. 🤬

All those saying chat to her before you book, make sure she's all right with the decision...this is a three/four year old. She will likely have changed her mind about what she wants by the end of the week. And what if she sets her heart on a real unicorn, or she wants a party exactly the same as her friend (whose parents have millions and had a swimming party at their own home)? Disappointment, sadly, is a fact of real life. I know it's instinct to want your child to have everything they want, and their birthdays to be days of fun and laughter, but sometimes... sometimes you just have to say 'no'. It doesn't harm them. They learn to manage their expectations.

Three/four year olds can have VERY overblown expectations (I still remember the "I wanted a REAL unicorn!' problem). It's your job as a parent to manage that realistically.

For those going on and on about parties at home, it would be a cold day in hell before I did that. No way do I want a load of 4 year olds and their petulant parents touching my possessions, using my loo, trashing my living room and terrorising my pets.
OP she will get over it once she sees the cake and her friends. You have done your best.

Oh give over. She is 3! She has absolutely no concept of 'luckiness' or capitalism and she didn't ask to be born. Sure set her expectations and tell her if something is too expensive or not possible but you aren't going to get anywhere pinning such high expectations on a toddler. Most grown adults don't really have a fair concept of their privledge so why would we expect this of a small child?

Don’t be disheartened she just had an idea in her head and doesn’t understand why not. Her friends going will only be 3 or 4 too so they are babies in my eyes anyway haha don’t feel guilty because you’ve booked her a party even though money is tight. She will love all the fuss on the day xx

Yeah that's very poor behaviour, very ungrateful and shouldn't be stood for. My oldest did this once and got a good lecture about entitlement and relatively world poverty and gratefulness and I'm glad to say never again, from either of them. Do not cancel. She goes, and if she misbehaved, she goes home early. Simple. There's some great cheap party bag ideas too, really it shouldn't put financial pressure on you in anyway, shape or form!

Your child might be your world but that doesn’t mean you have to give her everything she wants. I have a friend who with her teenage daughter is dealing with the fall out from that and it’s not pretty.

And 3 year olds do not have opinions? It is her birthday party, it should be a happy thing. Now there are tears, people even calling it brattish. She is being expected to be happy about something she doesn't want and she is tiny. Her input was required.

Why would you have to have "loads" and all their parents?

Has venue marketing reached a point where nobody feels able to say "one friend for each year of your age plus one" for tea and games at home any more? Small children are easily overwhelmed by large numbers but with smaller numbers 3/4 year olds should be fine and there is no need for parents to stay for a hour or two of a party for that age.

3 year olds can usually make play opportunity wherever they are. These sound like the words of an adult, who has put this idea to her that it is for babies?

The OP has already explained she can't have the party at home.

There's no money to have it anywhere else.

Tell the child that she can have the other place next year but this year she will get to choose big girl decorations/cake/dress/borrow your jewellery (obv old stuff as it'll get broken) or whatever would let her feel special and grown up, and say it's so everyone knows she isn't a baby.

They will have such fun together they won't care where they are.

Tell her you do not have enough money for the posher place, so it's your choice... or nothing, because you have already paid, and they will not give you the money back, anyway... That is all. It is about time she realises that we cannot have all we want in life.

This way madness lies.

It’s ok to make a fuss of a 3 year old on their birthday but they’re at an age where they have very little life experience to know what they want and what it means. This is why adults should make decisions, not toddlers who’ve been alive for 3 years.

When she talked about the party she had an idea in her head of where and what it would be like, she is allowed to be disappointed to then be told oh that's not what we are doing. You have to understand she's turning 4 not 2, she is becoming her own person and imo a conversation about the party and offering her a choice between the play place or a party at home would have been appropriate, rather than like with a 2 Yr old that doesn't really grasp the idea of a party and is just delighted to turn up wherever and see cake. That's the problem with parenthood though we don't always realise our child has moved on to another stage until we are right in the thick of it.
Look at it this way, as an adult if I was told I was being taken out for dinner for my birthday and had it in my head I was going to X cos its my favourite but then discovered I was going to Y I'd be allowed to feel disappointed. Obviously as an adult I'd use my words and we d have a discussion about where we were going to begin with and I'd be fine with Y as I'd know from the get-go that it were the destination, and the reason X wasn't an option. She's turning 4, she doesn't have options and it's frustrating, very human reaction but also tough on you as her mum that is just trying to do her vest

I'd have said the other one was closed that day..

I would make up a story..like ah but for birthdays it’s different..even big girls go there because we put special balloons and have dancing etc. Babies can’t dance etc. Four year olds are suggestible. Another eg babies don’t have Frozen cakes or Bluey cakes or whoever.

Just help her to manage her disappointment. The first time of many 😃 in a child’s life.