4 year old daughter upset with her birthday party idea

[Orangeandpinknails]

Put this on AIBU because it's more likely to be viewed.

My little girl is 3 and will be 4 end of Feb. She has been so excited for a birthday party and we booked her one last night in a cheaper place that she has been to before for a friend's party. It's all we can really afford at the moment and I've just told her about it. She started crying saying it's a baby play area and she doesn't want to go there for her party and that she wants to go to another certain play area for her birthday. We've already paid now so not sure if can cancel and get a refund but also, this other place will cost us about £60 more which we can't really afford right now.

What would you do?

It sounds absolutely lovely. She's 3 and has a limited frame of reference and understanding. I would take what she says with an enormous pinch of salt and jolly her along by letting her choose a cake and balloon.

Is it for babies? If yes, she has a point. If definitely suitable, then tough tacky.

The fact remains that the child should appreciate it is getting a party, and no parent should be emotionally blackmailed by their child

TBH its irrelevant - you have presumably reviewed it and thought it was something she would enjoy. I can't get past this from a 3yr old:

. "She started crying saying it's a baby play area and she doesn't want to go there for her party and that she wants to go to another certain play area for her birthday".

Was she serious or was it just a momentary tantrum dealt with by early tea and bed?
You are the parent, take control, practice saying "we can't afford it". She can have the party you have organised or if you can get a refund she can have a few friends to tea at home. Those are the options.

I don’t think she’s being “spoilt”, she’s disappointed and she’s three so she’s saying it out loud. Sometimes children double down if they don’t feel heard. Say: “You like the other one and we can’t go there. That’s disappointing” in a kind way.

And instead, let her choose the “theme” (ie: Elsa paper plates / cake).

Soft play with 3 levels is perfectly fine for a party for a 4 year old! It’s not a baby play area. Tell her it’s this party, a party at home with a few friends, or no party.

Personally I don't think it's being spoilt. It's her birthday and I would have talked to her about it before booking, she's allowed to have a preference. Just telling her it's a done deal because of money reasons she won't understand at her age isn't the most fair approach.

Didn't have birthday parties until after started school with all mine you don't have to have one at all.

My 4 year old tantrums over everything and then happily forgets he tantrumed over it. I'm sure she'll forget once she's there. They are very primitive at that age and emotions rule.
We don't have birthday parties for our kids every year - they don't actually care that much that we don't. They ask if they can have one occasionally and they do but doing something with a few close friends or family makes them happier. It makes me happier too as they are way too stressful!

There's some very spiteful suggestions here. How odd when we talking talking about a very little girl.

I agree with @goldbar. Move the conversation on to bits she can have an input on. She'll love her party, she's 4!!

Please don't be ridiculous, that's not how you frame it to the chhild. However, children (and some adults, seemingly) need to learn that sometimes it is what it is, and that parents do not have endless pots of money to indulge every little whim or craze.

Parties are a big thing at that age.
I don't think so.

I’d suggest you read this post back to yourself and notice how many time you mention how you feel, what your general wants and struggles are ( not wanting to raise a spoiled child but finding it hard) and your own preferences (not wanting people in your home right now).

Your feelings are valid, but your daughter is developing into a person who also has valid feelings and preferences, but has far less experience than you in managing her own emotions and feelings.

Birthdays are a really big deal when you’re so small. It sounds like she had a fixed picture in her head about what she would like, and is now disappointed. It’s ok for her to feel disappointed, and this feeling in itself isn’t acting spoilt or broken by bratty. Going forward though, you need to focus on her and helping her to work through her feelings and enjoy her party ( which she will) rather than your own upset at her upset.

You can sympathise with the disappointment but that doesn’t mean you change the plans. Remember she’s 3 and doesn’t understand money etc and kids just say what they think/ aren’t capable of thinking about budgets and gratitude. But I’ll bet you the party is great and she loves it and you show her that she can be adaptable and sometimes she doesn’t know everything (!)

Do a sad face and say the other place is closed. She's not likely to get an Uber over there to check out if you're lying.

Preschool kids go to parties every weekend, they are a big deal.
You genuinely must not know any 4 year olds.

Birthdays are a really big deal when you’re so small.
She is only going to be 4 why is it such a big deal to have a party.

To be fair, we always had a conversation with our children re what they'd like to do for their birthday. If it was too expensive, we'd tell them that wasn't an option!
As you've already booked the soft play though, I'd just try to big it up and make it sound more appealing to her

Totally agree with @2024TN

It's totally normal and doesn't mean you've done anything wrong or that she's spoiled, you just need the help her work through her feelings.

Does she have ideas for a theme, can you show her different designs of paper plates to choose from etc?

Agree. Its only in reception parties took off for us, this whole thing where 2/3 year olds are having huge parties is insane

I see the problem as being - if you ask 3/4 year olds their opinion too often, they start to think that they have more power/responsibility than they really have or need. And they can change their minds every ten minutes, depending on what they've seen or done recently. So you could book a more expensive place/the place your DD wants to go only to have her attend another party at an even bigger or more expensive place between booking and her birthday, and then set her heart on that. Having been given the choice and decision once, she won't see why you couldn't change things continually according to her whims.

I'm all for giving children choice, but sometimes you just have to say 'this is what we're doing'. Give her choice over cake/party bag contents/games, but expensive things like venue - sometimes you just have to present them with a fait accompli, if you don't want constant prevarication.

Completely agree with this, she's not being a brat or dictating. Children that age also get get very frustrated and upset with themselves when they have an idea in mind which they can't realise. It's a deleveopmental phase, not a fault.

Offer the choice. Sometimes something completely different from their original idea (like a home party) is better than a version of what they wanted that isn't 'right'.

Not now I don't. It must be a new thing then all my 4 never went or had parties before school.

I would give my child what she wants for her birthday vision, she is only 4, it is only £60, I would eat beans on toast or toast or nothing just to give her it.

And I would love the fact that she knows what she wants. I would have discussed and agreed with her before I booked the first place (sorry to say that but I really would have).

It's up to you but this is just what I would do. What a horrid emotion some people here are suggesting you burden her with - 'it's your birthday so put up and shut up and 'enjoy' what you've got' ... that's not a great birthday feeling.