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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend has gotten ex girlfriend pregnant and wants me to keep things quiet about our relationship

358 replies

Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 12:20

I’m posting this here to be told straight basically as I don’t really have any family and friends that know what’s going on in my life so please just tell me how it is Hi girls I really need some advice because I feel honestly crazy here
So me and my boyfriend have been together almost 3 years we split up a few months back for 2-3 months but was in contact with eachother throughout and had slept together a few times still..
To then for us to decide to sort things out properly things was good for a few days until I found out he had slept with his ex.. didn’t mention anything to me but when I found out said he was ‘honestly going to tell me’ was acting off anyway before I found out accusing me of not being trust worthy and that I’m acting ‘shifty’ turned out to just be him.. to then a couple of weeks later he wants to tell me something SHES PREGNANT… she still loves him and is infatuated with him and I’ve told him he’s just relit an old flame in her and she just won’t leave him alone she’s become abusive to me too.. now I was willing to forgive him and try to get over everything that’s happened (the self esteem is clearly next level for me isn’t it😑)
So again we tried again but he’s telling her we aren’t together and wants me to stay quiet about us as he has kids with her and she’ll ‘ruin his life’ so I found out yday he’s been telling her we aren’t together so obvs I’ve hit the roof and now ‘I’m done your crazy’ bla bla bla AM I BEING MANIPULATED cuz I also feel like I’m the bad person right now 😭😭😭 he’s saying that the reason why he doesn’t want her to know just yet is because of the stuff she says and causes but also so that we can have time to ‘bond’ again just any advice 😭

OP posts:
jenesaispaspourquoi · 30/01/2025 13:49

Have you had therapy?

TragicMuse · 30/01/2025 13:49

You know, you can love someone with every atom of your being and still make a decision not to be with them.

Loving someone doesn't carry any imperative that you must have a relationship with them.

Personally, he doesn't sound like a person who is ever going to put you first - he isn't doing that now - he doesn't sound caring or like he makes a positive contribution to your life.

So, what do you love about him that is making it so important to hold onto him?

StupidBitchy · 30/01/2025 13:49

You're better off on your own. There's no way this can end well for you. You need to look out for yourself because clearly no one else is.

Original poster
Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 13:49

catlesslady · 30/01/2025 13:17

He sounds like the sort of man who initially makes you feel amazing but then gradually undermines your self esteem until you feel you have no choice but to put up with his shitty behaviour. It's not your fault- they can be very convincing and when you're feeling low it's hard to see a way out other than trying to change yourself and/or be more accommodating in the hope that if you try hard enough they will go back to being the seemingly lovely person you first met. You need to cut contact with him completely and in time you will see that you do not love the person he actually is, you loved the person that he pretended to be to reel you in. In time you will regain your self esteem and wonder why on earth you even considered being with this weasel.

You are probably not the first person he has done this to. His ex probably feels the same way. When you broke up he may have told her it was because he wanted her back and he probably told her that you are the crazy ex who won't let him go. What he wants now is to be able to play happy families with the ex for a while but with you as a secret on the side. He may even want to convince the ex that they are back together as a family so that she goes ahead with the pregnancy, making her more reliant on him. No doubt if you let him he will eventually come back to you for a while (probably when the mother of his new baby is too tired to run around after him) but he will never treat you well and there will be others. You deserve more.

That's what I mean I've changed myself so much I'm actually sat here having no idea who I am anynore or the things I'm allowing in my life.. he doesn't want her he's shown me over and over that he doesn't want her but then goes and sleeps with her? And she ends up pregnant, I know he's not with her and is having me on in that way but is expecting me to be okay with all this shit and then when I react cuz it's been shit on shit on shit on shit this whole month! 2025 new year honestly this last month has been the worst in so long!!

OP posts:
Scentsitive · 30/01/2025 13:49

Such a loser thing to do, making up crap like this.

SlightlyJaded · 30/01/2025 13:51

He is your priority
You are not his.

She is his priority
And the children and the unborn baby.

He is not even your 'boyfriend' if you have to hide it.
You are literally an afterthought and a bit of an inconvenience.

Harsh, and I'm sorry for that.

The sooner you leave, the sooner you can start the grieving of the relationship bit and come out the other side.

Shmee1988 · 30/01/2025 13:51

I would simply say 'you keep telling people we aren't together, it's no longer a lie because we aren't!' .... turn on your heel and walk away. He will ruin your life.

Original poster
Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 13:53

catlesslady · 30/01/2025 13:17

He sounds like the sort of man who initially makes you feel amazing but then gradually undermines your self esteem until you feel you have no choice but to put up with his shitty behaviour. It's not your fault- they can be very convincing and when you're feeling low it's hard to see a way out other than trying to change yourself and/or be more accommodating in the hope that if you try hard enough they will go back to being the seemingly lovely person you first met. You need to cut contact with him completely and in time you will see that you do not love the person he actually is, you loved the person that he pretended to be to reel you in. In time you will regain your self esteem and wonder why on earth you even considered being with this weasel.

You are probably not the first person he has done this to. His ex probably feels the same way. When you broke up he may have told her it was because he wanted her back and he probably told her that you are the crazy ex who won't let him go. What he wants now is to be able to play happy families with the ex for a while but with you as a secret on the side. He may even want to convince the ex that they are back together as a family so that she goes ahead with the pregnancy, making her more reliant on him. No doubt if you let him he will eventually come back to you for a while (probably when the mother of his new baby is too tired to run around after him) but he will never treat you well and there will be others. You deserve more.

Also forgot to add she'll never get tired of him he doesn't even want the kid but she's choosing to keep it in the hope he'll get back with him after 3/4 years of them splitting and then I'm involved in all this madness it's just become too much and I feel constant anxiety and worry and I know it's because my body is telling me how fucked uo this is and I'm just continuing it

OP posts:
LongStoryLong · 30/01/2025 13:53

There must be someone else you could go out with.

Original poster
Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 13:54

PennyApril54 · 30/01/2025 13:20

I think if you're honest with yourself this is never going to make you happy and you do deserve better. This situation is only going to cause more and more grief to you over the years. Do yourself a huge favor and end it now. Don't waste more time on this. I know you've invested a few years into this and you love him but I remember a phrase saying 'dont cling on to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it' and I think that applies here.
I'm sure there's something better out there for you, you seem to nice and above this shit show. Take care.

Don't get me wrong I have my flaws and I know I have issues I've not dealt with but everything in me is screaming at me constantly but I've been pushing it down and I've got nothing to show for it other then tears sat on a park bench freezing

OP posts:
mummytrex · 30/01/2025 13:55

"she still loves him and is infatuated with him and I’ve told him he’s just relit an old flame in her and she just won’t leave him alone"

He is no doubt telling her a similar story about you where you're obsessed and can't let him go.

He probably can't believe his luck with 2 women vying for him. Honestly walk away. Yes you'll be sad initially but honestly long term you'll be fine and relieved you're not tied to this idiot forever.

Good luck op. You deserve better so make sure you get it!

ExtraOnions · 30/01/2025 13:57

He had unprotected sex with (at least) one other woman, and you are willing to just jump back on.

i hate the way people use “love” as a way of defending their inability to make a decent decision. Love isn’t an unstoppable force, that controls you - you still have free will.

toomuchfaff · 30/01/2025 13:57

Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 12:41

Yeah it wouldn't let me post on the relationship thread but I guess the AIBU part is if I am actually going about over board by shouting and screaming and acting 'crazy' I mean who wouldn't but he's making me feel like it's only me that is feeling like this and anybody else would have a 'calm' approach

Show quote history

That's gaslighting 101. Don't believe him for a second. No one would remain calm.

Let her fkin have him shitbag if a man, she's welcome to him.

its2025 · 30/01/2025 13:58

Is it me or is anyone else thinking of Ross screaming "We were on a break!" 😵

OP - Honestly - this guy is no good for you - you deserve so much more. I think if you end things permanently you will realise you got a lucky escape.

anothernameanotherplanet · 30/01/2025 13:59

Looks like you'll be having half a child without you giving birth.

I can't see this having a happy, resolved ending.

Quit now before it gets too bad and you get dragged down.

FartyBrainedHippo · 30/01/2025 13:59

This is not the man for you.

Imagine your life a year, or five years from now if you stay with him. His ex will ALWAYS be in your life. He will have children to provide for, and I bet he's as useless a dad as he is a partner. He'll mess you around. He'll let you dow, he'll cheat on you, he will never be solvent, or responsible, or carefree or loving or generous or honest.

Every day you spend with him is a day you could be without the drama and the pain and the confusion. This might be with someone else, or it might be with friends, or, yes, it might be alone for a while. These are all better options than being (and you're not really anyway) with him.

I really wish the best for you, I hope you do too.

HollyKnight · 30/01/2025 13:59

Can you not see it? He is treating her the same way he is treating you. Sleeping with you both and telling you both the other means nothing. If she wasn't pregnant, you wouldn't have known he was doing this. He would have just pretended she was a crazy jealous ex. But her being pregnant has done you a favour because this is undeniable proof that he is a liar and a fuck boy. He's going to try to keep stringing you both a long.

WearyAuldWumman · 30/01/2025 14:00

He wants to have his cake and eat it. Leave him.

flippinnorra · 30/01/2025 14:00

I suspect he's been stringing her along, or hasn't really broken up with her.

I'd have to tell her yourself that you're together - give her the truth.

And then walkway.

Starlightstarbright4 · 30/01/2025 14:01

You need to use your head not your heart .

The reasons you split up are reasons alone never to go back .

He tells you he doesn’t want the baby- does he tell her that ?

You are never going to have value here . New baby will arrive he will be there with her seeing new baby .. honestly you won’t like it .

He isn’t even bothering love bombing more gas lighting you ..

You need to be alone for now . You do deserve more .

NewHeaven · 30/01/2025 14:01

Run for the hills! You don't want to get lumbered with babysitting his baby by an ex. While he's off down the pub with his mates and potentially shagging another woman.

Make this nice and simple and leave the pair of them to play happy families while you enjoy your freedom as a single woman.

gallic · 30/01/2025 14:03

If you stay it'll be doubly beneficial for him! He gets a girlfriend and a clown for his kid's birthday!

YourHappyJadeEagle · 30/01/2025 14:03

Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 12:28

The thing is I was actually willing to adapt to it all, but then me finding out he's telling her yet again tbag we aren't together and this is something I've told him I am not willing to do he's still doing it anyway so I'm going mad about it but I'm crazy and all this and that

Show quote history

Walk away. You never “adapt yourself” to please a dickhead.
Actually, don’t walk —- run. This is one huge mess and you can do so much better.

CagneyNYPD1 · 30/01/2025 14:04

SlightlyJaded · 30/01/2025 13:51

He is your priority
You are not his.

She is his priority
And the children and the unborn baby.

He is not even your 'boyfriend' if you have to hide it.
You are literally an afterthought and a bit of an inconvenience.

Harsh, and I'm sorry for that.

The sooner you leave, the sooner you can start the grieving of the relationship bit and come out the other side.

This is spot on.

You have 2 choices @Chanjh25:

  1. Stay with him and put up with this shot show of a relationship dragging you down.
  1. Walk away now and salvage a bit of self respect and sanity.

The choice is in your hands. You have no real ties to this man. If you want a better life, you have to make it happen because he certainly hadn't got your best interests at heart.

towelsandsheets · 30/01/2025 14:07

So you know you need to walk away

You know that you deserve better

But you have invested in the relationship and will be sad to see it go; there is lots you like about the guy; you are scared you won't find a better relationship. We know - many have been there

Head high, walk away , you have a whole life in front of you and things get so much better

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