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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend has gotten ex girlfriend pregnant and wants me to keep things quiet about our relationship

358 replies

Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 12:20

I’m posting this here to be told straight basically as I don’t really have any family and friends that know what’s going on in my life so please just tell me how it is Hi girls I really need some advice because I feel honestly crazy here
So me and my boyfriend have been together almost 3 years we split up a few months back for 2-3 months but was in contact with eachother throughout and had slept together a few times still..
To then for us to decide to sort things out properly things was good for a few days until I found out he had slept with his ex.. didn’t mention anything to me but when I found out said he was ‘honestly going to tell me’ was acting off anyway before I found out accusing me of not being trust worthy and that I’m acting ‘shifty’ turned out to just be him.. to then a couple of weeks later he wants to tell me something SHES PREGNANT… she still loves him and is infatuated with him and I’ve told him he’s just relit an old flame in her and she just won’t leave him alone she’s become abusive to me too.. now I was willing to forgive him and try to get over everything that’s happened (the self esteem is clearly next level for me isn’t it😑)
So again we tried again but he’s telling her we aren’t together and wants me to stay quiet about us as he has kids with her and she’ll ‘ruin his life’ so I found out yday he’s been telling her we aren’t together so obvs I’ve hit the roof and now ‘I’m done your crazy’ bla bla bla AM I BEING MANIPULATED cuz I also feel like I’m the bad person right now 😭😭😭 he’s saying that the reason why he doesn’t want her to know just yet is because of the stuff she says and causes but also so that we can have time to ‘bond’ again just any advice 😭

OP posts:
Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged · 31/01/2025 11:39

You are not coming across well here at all.

it’s not funny that his children do not see him either.

Chanjh25 · 31/01/2025 11:41

Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged · 31/01/2025 11:39

You are not coming across well here at all.

it’s not funny that his children do not see him either.

How am I not coming across well? He knows himself I've told him myself it's not something I'm happy with either he knows I think a man that isn't a proper dad to his kids isn't a man at all I've mentioned it numerous times

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock000 · 31/01/2025 11:50

He is a big baby.

I wouldn't waste anymore time on this waster.

I wouldn't keep his secret neither. Who knows what he has said to her.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 31/01/2025 11:51

Chanjh25 · 31/01/2025 11:41

How am I not coming across well? He knows himself I've told him myself it's not something I'm happy with either he knows I think a man that isn't a proper dad to his kids isn't a man at all I've mentioned it numerous times

But you stayed in a relationship with him. With a piece of shit that wasn’t a proper dad to his kids. That’s why you’re not coming across well. People have been very clear about this, so not sure what part is confusing you.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 31/01/2025 11:52

Chanjh25 · 31/01/2025 11:33

Yes we are over

Have you actually told him you’re over? Blocked and deleted him? Or are you still engaging?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 31/01/2025 11:54

But you stayed in a relationship with him. With a piece of shit that wasn’t a proper dad to his kids.
Sadly many people with trauma and loneliness often stay in terrible situations, believing it is better than being alone.

Toss this one back in the river OP.

Give yourself lots of time to process your insecurities and recover.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 31/01/2025 14:30

That whole post was full of red flags.

This creep isn’t worth fighting over. Let his ex have him while you RUN fast in the opposite direction.

Know your self worth OP, don’t settle for that kind of disrespect.

Sounds to me he’s playing you both for a mug.

BMW6 · 31/01/2025 14:33

Honestly if he continued to sleep with her was she an ex? More likely you were his bit on the side (among others)

Purplebunnie · 31/01/2025 14:41

Let this one slide back under a stone. You cannot base a relationship on lack of trust and you will never be able to trust him again.

He and his ex sound like participants on Jeremy Kyle. You are worth more than this

HolyPeaches · 31/01/2025 16:49

Twaddlepip · 31/01/2025 09:40

Gobsmacked that you think this cunt ‘barely seeing’ his kids is funny. And also that that hasn’t put you off him. You really do need some help, OP.

My thoughts exactly.

A woman must have extremely low self worth and even lower standards to even entertain a man who barely sees his own kids.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 31/01/2025 17:15

Deep down you know that you have to leave him. I get that it’s hard to do it when you’re actually in the middle of the situation. It’s brave to post on here, and I think you were looking for someone to give you a kick up the bum to actually get rid of him, and it looks like a lot of people have.

The thing you need to realise is that the man you are in love with literally does not exist, he is a fictional character. The man you are actually involved with is a nasty selfish lying cheat. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t like you. He doesn’t care about you in any way at all. He doesn’t view you as a person, you’re just a pawn in his game.

I honestly think your best course of action is to completely cut him off. Block his number, no communication whatsoever. Call the police if he comes round. Ideally you’d move house, but I appreciate that is not straightforward. If you let him speak to you there’s a risk you’ll fall for his lies again. He’s obviously an incredible actor.

I know you have the strength to walk away because you’ve already proven that you have the strength to endure all this abuse and keep on trying to make things work. You just need to redirect all your energy onto yourself instead of him.

Imagine how your life could be a year from now. Imagine you’ve been a year free of him, and you’re moving forward with your life with confidence. Because if you don’t leave him, I absolutely guarantee you that a year from now you will be every bit as miserable as you are now, if not more so.

This man is never going to give you want you want, he’ll just keep stringing you along for his own enjoyment for as long as you let him. Please don’t let him do this to you any more.

And please get some counselling to try to address the issues that have left you with so little confidence and self respect. You deserve so much more than you are settling for.

Gymnopedie · 31/01/2025 17:49

OP please realise that the most important thing to this man is his ego (2nd most important - his dick). He doesn't care in any real way about you or the ex, but boy does it make him feel good to have two women loving him and happy to have sex with him. So when he begged and pleaded with you to get back together, it wasn't because he really wanted you. It was because he couldn't stand to see you happy, strong and independent without him. That was a blow his egocentric self just couldn't stomach. How could you possibly be absolutely fine without HIM? How dare you... But he knew you loved him and that if he kept on at you for long enough you'd give in. And when you did, he had the satisfaction of knowing that he'd reeled you in and proved that he was ultimately irresistable.

Stop playing his game. He doesn't care for you. You're a trophy, a notch on the bedpost. You don't need him you know that already. Tell him that and don't waver when he makes all the promises in the world to try to get you to go back again. He doesn't mean them. He's just affronted that you have the audacity to leave him. He actually can't believe it, who would not need or want someone as amazing as him??

Answer - YOU!!!!

GottaShiftThesePounds · 31/01/2025 17:53

Run. An obsessed ex with a dc involved is always going to cause issues.

We had no end of issues with dh ex , using child as a weapon as he'd moved on . Took years for her to stop being so controlling and obsessive. It took going to court and the court ordering the contact she kept withholding and stated all contact to go via me not dh.
It soon stopped then as she lost all power

Poppyfun1 · 03/02/2025 07:37

Get out. NOW.

FlyingFox · 03/02/2025 07:41

Get the hell out of there, run for the hills. You deserve better than this.

fairydustt · 03/02/2025 07:45

He slept with another woman whilst you were on a ‘break’ and got her pregnant. That would be enough for me to be physically repulsed by him, there’s nothing less attractive than shagging another woman.

Summerlovin24 · 03/02/2025 07:45

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 31/01/2025 17:15

Deep down you know that you have to leave him. I get that it’s hard to do it when you’re actually in the middle of the situation. It’s brave to post on here, and I think you were looking for someone to give you a kick up the bum to actually get rid of him, and it looks like a lot of people have.

The thing you need to realise is that the man you are in love with literally does not exist, he is a fictional character. The man you are actually involved with is a nasty selfish lying cheat. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t like you. He doesn’t care about you in any way at all. He doesn’t view you as a person, you’re just a pawn in his game.

I honestly think your best course of action is to completely cut him off. Block his number, no communication whatsoever. Call the police if he comes round. Ideally you’d move house, but I appreciate that is not straightforward. If you let him speak to you there’s a risk you’ll fall for his lies again. He’s obviously an incredible actor.

I know you have the strength to walk away because you’ve already proven that you have the strength to endure all this abuse and keep on trying to make things work. You just need to redirect all your energy onto yourself instead of him.

Imagine how your life could be a year from now. Imagine you’ve been a year free of him, and you’re moving forward with your life with confidence. Because if you don’t leave him, I absolutely guarantee you that a year from now you will be every bit as miserable as you are now, if not more so.

This man is never going to give you want you want, he’ll just keep stringing you along for his own enjoyment for as long as you let him. Please don’t let him do this to you any more.

And please get some counselling to try to address the issues that have left you with so little confidence and self respect. You deserve so much more than you are settling for.

This
Redirect the energy into yourself.
Love that 100% that is what you should do
Block him
I did it and my head is clear. Worked overtime for 6 months not for him to squander but pay for the holiday I have always wanted to go on

mummybear35 · 03/02/2025 07:46

Love yourself enough and value yourself enough to drop this loser. Life is short and often hard enough without carrying the deadweight of a man that you can never trust, who is clearly not a particularly nice person or a decent dad. You deserve better and I think deep down you know it. I’d rather be on my own for the rest of my days than with someone like him!

BaileyHorse · 03/02/2025 07:46

You know the answer…leave him and never ever go back. You’ve said he already has kids with this woman, she’s now pregnant again. She will always be in his life. Plus the lies…god knows what else he is lying about. Get out, now. And be done with him.

BlondeAussie · 03/02/2025 07:51

Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 12:26

Yeah there was many reasons why we split the main one was because I felt invisible to him he'd give me the silent treatment constantly for no reason, barely spoke to me touched me or was engaging

You felt invisible to him, now he wants you to BE INVISIBLE to his former wife and his children.

Make this "Boyfriend" an "Ex-boyfriend" ASAP :)

1989whome · 03/02/2025 07:58

Oh god! Love your self more for goodness sake! Flip it, if your sister or dear friend said this to you, what would advice be? Run for the fucking hills no doubt! He sounds like a reject of life, no interest in making you feel loved. Getting his ex pregnant then having the audacity to make you lie and say you're not together. Why do you think so little of your self? Imagine a world with a man, who doesn't knock up his ex and actually treasures you? Aim for that, you deserve it. Run and don't look back.

awaynboilyurheid · 03/02/2025 07:59

Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 12:26

Yeah there was many reasons why we split the main one was because I felt invisible to him he'd give me the silent treatment constantly for no reason, barely spoke to me touched me or was engaging

Oh want to give you a huge hug honestly that’s not love, move on have a good life you can do this .

NewFriendlyLadybird · 03/02/2025 08:07

You don’t love him. You love the idea of him or the odd moments when he’s nice and it’s working.

Dump this one. Chalk it up to experience and find someone with less baggage who’s proud to be with you. You don’t ever want to be anyone’s little secret.

Mydietstartstomorrow · 03/02/2025 08:07

rubyslippers · 30/01/2025 12:21

Leave him!!
there’s probably a million reasons you split up initially
why are you thinking of settling for such a shitty boyfriend?!

First comment usually nails it. ⬆️

Phthia · 03/02/2025 08:22

Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 12:43

And deep down I know there is better men but I've given everything I am to this man and it's not something I'm willing to start all again with somebody else I'm not interested in anybody else but him but I know I need to do the right thing because I'm just thinking like what's next?

What is next is more of the same, if you stay with him - silent treatment, fucking other women and trying to make out it's all innocent, telling you you're crazy if you dare to complain.

You don't need this man in your life, you don't need any man in your life. Get out there and live it.