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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and disregarding boundaries

217 replies

TTCagain85 · 29/01/2025 14:48

RANT INCOMING- AIBU?

What would you do if your MIL consistently oversteps boundaries and your husband won't speak to her about it as he has been brought up emotionally emeshed and parentified by her.

For context, he is an only child. She is married and has stepchildren.

Me and husband have agreed to have a weekend free of visitors before the arrival of our second child next week. MIL was supposed to visit last weekend but cancelled due to weather. She lives an hour away, and i don't blame her for not travelling when the weather wasn't pleasant. Cut to today, announces she is visiting on Sunday, and I had responded to say this doesn't suit that we have plans Saturday and Sunday, but offered an alternative day. Her response was that she will be dropping stuff off to our house on Sunday anyway.

😡😡😡😡😡 we will most likely be in the house as we want to relax, and if she arrives, we will have to host her against our wishes. She isn't one for stopping by for a quick cuppa, it's always a 5/6hr visit.

Husband refused to address this with her.

What would you do?

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/01/2025 14:50

All you can do is say to her - please don’t drop anything this weekend. We will not be at home to visitors this weekend.

Anything she wants to “drop off” can wait for another day.

And then don’t open the door if she comes anyway.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/01/2025 14:50

BUT you also have a DH as he needs to address it with her.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 29/01/2025 14:54

I'd honestly go away for the weekend. Or at least out for the day on Sunday.

You shouldn't have to but unless you can guarantee your dh won't answer the door when she arrives it's the best option

Cleansharp · 29/01/2025 14:58

My in-laws are serial drop inners even though they know we hate it - we try to make mutually convenient plans regularly but sometimes they decide they need to come that day to drop something off or are passing so thought they'd call in. I meet them at the door and don't invite them in. I don't care if that's rude, I find it rude to turn up when we've told them we're busy or don't want visitors or have tried to make other plans.

WorldKeepsSpinningRound · 29/01/2025 14:58

If you open the door and host her then you are actively allowing her to trample over your boundaries.

I would have a chat with DP and explain this is not acceptable and either the doors are locked and not answered or you will make yourself unavailable by lounging upstairs watching TV or going out.

Bristolinfeb · 29/01/2025 15:00

DH needs to tell her that you will be busy and won’t be answering the door then don’t.

harriethoyle · 29/01/2025 15:16

I'd close the curtains, lock the door and ignore the bell.

Gymnopedie · 29/01/2025 15:17

You need to ask DH a simple question - 'Which of us are you happiest to upset? Me or your mum?'

And if the answer is you, you need to think. This won't get better. I bet she trampled over a lot of boundaries with your first DC and will do so again.

TomatoSandwiches · 29/01/2025 15:19

Go and pick up the things she was going to drop off before the weekend?

HowToSaveAWife · 29/01/2025 15:24

TTCagain85 · 29/01/2025 14:48

RANT INCOMING- AIBU?

What would you do if your MIL consistently oversteps boundaries and your husband won't speak to her about it as he has been brought up emotionally emeshed and parentified by her.

For context, he is an only child. She is married and has stepchildren.

Me and husband have agreed to have a weekend free of visitors before the arrival of our second child next week. MIL was supposed to visit last weekend but cancelled due to weather. She lives an hour away, and i don't blame her for not travelling when the weather wasn't pleasant. Cut to today, announces she is visiting on Sunday, and I had responded to say this doesn't suit that we have plans Saturday and Sunday, but offered an alternative day. Her response was that she will be dropping stuff off to our house on Sunday anyway.

😡😡😡😡😡 we will most likely be in the house as we want to relax, and if she arrives, we will have to host her against our wishes. She isn't one for stopping by for a quick cuppa, it's always a 5/6hr visit.

Husband refused to address this with her.

What would you do?

"As I said, this weekend doesn't suit. We can arrange another time."

Then just don't answer the fucking door. And DH needs to buck up.

nahthatsnotforme · 29/01/2025 15:25

I'd assume she has things for you, your child or the new baby that she wants you to have before the birth, so is dropping them off.

Is that so awful?

username299 · 29/01/2025 15:25

Tell her where to drop it off eg behind the bins, in the porch etc and thank her for doing it. I would not open the door, after all she knows you have plans.

Nellienooiloveyou · 29/01/2025 15:27

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/01/2025 14:50

All you can do is say to her - please don’t drop anything this weekend. We will not be at home to visitors this weekend.

Anything she wants to “drop off” can wait for another day.

And then don’t open the door if she comes anyway.

This completely. You don’t have to wait for your husband to put the boundaries in

Vaxtable · 29/01/2025 15:28

I would send your DH to collect the stuff one evening this week as he can’t step up and tell his mum no

KingTutting · 29/01/2025 15:32

nahthatsnotforme · 29/01/2025 15:25

I'd assume she has things for you, your child or the new baby that she wants you to have before the birth, so is dropping them off.

Is that so awful?

She doesn’t want to just drop off though. She wants to stay the whole day.

id text and say ‘well be out and you’ll have a washed journey’ then don’t answer the door. Sometimes you have to waste someone’s time
to get them to listen.

PerambulationFrustration · 29/01/2025 15:32

Remind her again that this weekend is not convenient and to please offer another day.
If she refuses then do as a pp suggested and tell her to leave the stuff somewhere.
Do not answer the door.
If dh insists on answering the door and letting her in, then he can deal with her while you relax upstairs and do whatever you want.

toastofthetown · 29/01/2025 15:37

It’s time to bring out the classic ‘you don’t have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem’. If your husband is never standing up to her, he isn’t setting boundaries and as such she’s just doing what she wants as your husband is happy for her to do. The question is why is he consistently prioritising his mother’s happiness and wishes above yours.

Cabinqueen · 29/01/2025 15:57

Clearly your husband struggles with saying 'no' to his mum. However he needs to be putting you first and he still finds that difficult too, so I'd be asking her son to go drop in on her and collect anything she's hoping to drop off before Friday night. Then, your husband can come home.

cleanasawhistle · 29/01/2025 16:02

If my MIL responded to me like that I would reply with...

I have said no,up to you if you want to waste a journey because I won't be letting you in.
If she sulks not your problem.

Orders76 · 29/01/2025 16:07

Relax on Saturday and be out for the whole day Sunday.... Walk, lunch and shopping a good bit away in a big town and simply don't bring it up.
If she wants to drop stuff on doorstep, ok.

JimHalpertsWife · 29/01/2025 16:08

So your dh is the actual problem then, isn't he.

Stay in bed, take the batteries out of the doorbell and don't answer when she knocks.

saraclara · 29/01/2025 16:09

"I'm sorry MIL but you will have a wasted journey if you come on Sunday. As I've said, we have plans and won't be available"

JimHalpertsWife · 29/01/2025 16:10

nahthatsnotforme · 29/01/2025 15:25

I'd assume she has things for you, your child or the new baby that she wants you to have before the birth, so is dropping them off.

Is that so awful?

Nothing that she can be dropping off is so essential that she should disregard the fact the OP said "we have plans".

It's just rude.

comedycentral · 29/01/2025 16:13

There is nothing so urgent that she needs to drop off, I feel this is a crucial point in establishing your boundaries before baby arrives. Your partner needs to deal with her.

mummytrex · 29/01/2025 16:21

Honestly your husband needs to put his foot down. She is only like this because HE allows it and she knows it.

I'd be making clear to husband that if he doesn't deal with her that you'll arrange to go away for the weekend without him. Or that you simply will not engage with either of them if she does turn up.

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